Forgiveness

ME/INTRO

Good morning!!!  My name is Ryan Hanson and I serve here at Encounter on the preaching team.

As we continue our 70x7 series on forgiveness, I want to start with a question.  Have you ever seen a “guess what this is” posts on FaceBook? Here’s one for you.

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Does anyone know what that is?  It is actually dog hair.  My wife and I succumb to the pressure and got my daughter a COVID dog.  Here is ABBY, the newest member of our family, a 10 month old golden doodle.

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You may be wondering what this has to do with our current series on forgiveness, and that’s fair.

Through the first few weeks of having Abby, God has reminded me of a visual of forgiveness I heard a while ago that I think will be very helpful for us all.  God has shown me that we all have frames that we use to interpret the events happening around us.  And these frames have everything to do with forgiveness.  Let me explain.

The purpose of any frame is to direct our attention toward something.  Most of us are born with an average size frame.

[Hold up medium size frame]

We see most of what is going on.  With the example of my daughter, and her dog my standard frame would see my daughter with her dog, playing, laughing, having fun together.

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The problem is, the DEVIL temps us to zoom in.  To shrink the frame that we use, just like in that original picture I showed of just the dog hair.

[Hold up tiny size frame]

We are tempted to zoom in and focus in on only the negative interactions.  It would be like if every time I look at the dog, all I could think about is the time she peed in the house, or the time she bit me too hard.

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When we view the world through this small frame, we lose the ability put the events into perspective and every future event is defined by the one bad interaction we had that we are now laser focused on.  Nothing else matters, we see only the bad, and consequently we are unable to forgive.

WE

Some of us have probably had experiences with dogs that have been traumatic, and never want anything to do with them.  Maybe it is the messes they make, a time you were bitten, or the constant sound of barking in the middle of the night. The problem is, what do you do when it is a person that hurts you, and your frame shrinks with regards to a person?  What do you do when every time you think about, or are around, a person all you see is the one aspect of that person that has caused you pain?  How do we reclaim our ability to see that person as a wholistic individual that was created by God and bears His image? I don’t know what pain you carry. Maybe you’ve had a solid friendship that turned sour. Maybe you’ve had a rift in your family over a difference of ideology, politics, how you handle COVID, where you live, etc. Or maybe you’ve been hurt at a very deep level by someone. What I do know is that no matter how severe the offense, forgiving is hard and most of the advice we get is terrible.  I went through an especially painful incident surrounding foster care years ago where I struggled to forgive many parties involved.  When I sought counsel on how to heal from the hurts I received, universally people recommended books that I should read that reduced forgiveness down to a few easy steps. The Art of Forgiving says we need to 1. Rediscover the humanity of the person who hurt us 2. Surrender our right to get even 3. Revise our feelings toward the person we forgive Sounds easy, right.  I found it less than helpful. Soul Care lists 8 steps 1. Remember God’s grace 2. Pray blessings on your enemies 3. See yourself like your offender 4. Offer forgiveness at the level of the offense 5. Choose Forgiveness 6. Process through the forgiveness 7. Remember God is redemptive

8. Grieve your hurts and losses This one was more detailed, but was nearly impossible for me to live out. Today I want to talk about HOW do we forgive others when we can’t see past the pain that they have caused us?  How do we move past the tiny frame the devil tempts to use with people, forgive them, and start to see others with a GOD SIZED frame, as people created in the image of God who suffer from a fallen world just like each of us do? [HOLD UP HUGE FRAME] You see God wants us to see others as He sees them.  Back to my dog example.  I believe God wants me to see the dog not only as one of His creations, not just as a companion for my daughter, but through the GOD SIZED frame, I believe God wants me to see all the character lessons that Abby will teach my daughter; responsibility, caring about others, selfless decision making, etc.  She’s already sleeping in the dog’s room to take care of it at night, cleaning up the messes, and giving up quite a lot of personal activities to take care of it. 📷 📷 If all I thought of the dog was the time it messed the floor, like the devil wants me to, I’d miss the larger picture showing all the good that God is working in my daughter’s life through this dog.

GOD

But at this point, I’m sure you’re asking yourself HOW we go from the tiny frames we have been tempted to see others through to the GOD SIZED frame that we are called to use. What helped me develop the ability to see past the tiny frame and forgive was a sermon I heard by a pastor out of Tulsa, OK.  Instead of giving the easy “follow these steps” solution to forgiveness that I had found unhelpful, this pastor recognized that there are different types of offenses that need to be forgiven and our response should be different depending on the type of offense done to us.  He created a forgiveness framework that broke forgiveness down into three categories: frustrations, failures, and flagrant fouls.  I want to walk through this framework and provide the Biblical justification for viewing forgives this way. Feel free to fill it out as we go.

Frustrations Failures Flagrant fouls The Offense The Feeling The Result Biblical Antidote Biblical Answer The Reaction

The first category of offense is a frustration, and it happens during an exchange between us and someone else.

Frustrations The Offense Happens at the exchange The Feeling The Result Biblical Antidote Biblical Answer The Reaction

For me, I get disproportionately frustrated with people when they show up late to something we agreed to do together.  When frustrations happen, we end up feeling like we have no value.

Frustrations The Offense Happens at the exchange The Feeling I have no value The Result Biblical Antidote Biblical Answer The Reaction

I feel like I am not worth their time and typically this results in a petty response.

Frustrations The Offense Happens at the exchange The Feeling I have no value The Result Petty response Biblical Antidote Biblical Answer The Reaction

For me that takes the form of sarcasm.  I make a veiled joke that voices my frustration and lets everyone know I’m not happy.  For these frustrations the biblical antidote is maturity.  I have to choose to so some #adulting and recognize things happen and sometimes people are just late.  I also need to remember that at times, I am late too.

Frustrations The Offense Happens at the exchange The Feeling I have no value The Result Petty response Biblical Antidote Maturity Biblical Answer The Reaction

1 Corinthians 14:20 – Brothers and sisters, stop thinking like children. In regard to evil be infants, but in your thinking be adults

The biblical answer to dealing with frustrations is patience.

Frustrations The Offense Happens at the exchange The Feeling I have no value The Result Petty response Biblical Antidote Maturity Biblical Answer Patience The Reaction

Galatians 5:22 – But the fruit of the Spirit is; love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentles, self-control

The only reaction we can have to frustration after being mature and patience, is to react by bouncing back; not letting this frustration affect the way we interact with other people. Sometimes when people hurt us at the level of frustration, we need to just suck it up, realize things happen, and move on.  My daughter and I have developed the habit of calling out frustrating situations and naming them, “this sounds like a suck it up situation”.  The humor provides just enough pause to bounce back.

Frustrations The Offense Happens at the exchange The Feeling I have no value The Result Petty response Biblical Antidote Maturity Biblical Answer Patience The Reaction Bounce Back

But sometimes offenses are more serious, more hurtful than frustrations.

The second category of offense is a failure, and it happens due to an unmet expectation.

Failure The Offense Due to unmet expectation The Feeling The Result Biblical Antidote Biblical Answer The Reaction

The best example of this in my life is when my wife and I did foster care.  The agency decided that they wanted us to take both siblings, but the court said it wasn’t a good idea, and we (being in our 20s) didn’t think we were able to help two children with fairly high emotional needs.  We had one of the boys for a year, when the agency convinced the foster parents of the brother to take both.  Against the court, they tried to move him.  We fought, because when it comes to fight or flight, my natural bend is always fight.  I even chased a bear once through the forest, but that is a story for another day.  As part of our fight to keep him, I asked our pastor at the time (not Dirk) for a letter of recommendation.  He gladly told me he would write one, but he didn’t.  I reminded him, but he never wrote it.  A month after it was needed he apologized, but it was too late.  Not that it should matter, but I was on staff at this church, leading the youth ministry.  I had an unmet expectation of my pastor, that of all people, he should follow through on his commitments, but he did not.

This failure to meet my expectation left me feeling victimized.

Failure The Offense Due to unmet expectation The Feeling Victimized The Result Biblical Antidote Biblical Answer The Reaction

I felt like not only was the foster agency going behind my back to move a child that we were encouraged and planning on adopting to a place the court stated he would not be successful, but even my pastor couldn’t follow through on his commitments. The result was a feeling of pain, that I have never felt before.

Failure The Offense Due to unmet expectation The Feeling Victimized The Result Personal pain Biblical Antidote Biblical Answer The Reaction

With regards to the foster care agency and this pastor, my frame shrank very small.  All I could see were the lies they told and the hurt that they caused.  The antidote for this type of pain is ministry.

Failure The Offense Due to unmet expectation The Feeling Victimized The Result Personal pain Biblical Antidote Ministry Biblical Answer The Reaction

Matthew 18:15-17 - 15 “If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. 16 But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ 17 If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.

The reality is that healing from the pain caused by the failures of others is not easy, and requires time.  Just like my situation it requires a process.

Failure The Offense Due to unmet expectation The Feeling Victimized The Result Personal pain Biblical Antidote Ministry Biblical Answer Process The Reaction

I wrote to the pastor and explained the pain he caused and how it affected me.  I got a less than helpful response.  We walked through the Matthew 18 process together and ended up meeting with the church elders to work it out.  I voiced the pain that his lack of follow through caused.  He confessed that he is much quicker to make promises than to fulfill obligations and has been blessed by a bunch of people who have shown him more grace than he probably deserves.  Walking through the process gave me closure, but also gave him perspective and accountability from the church board to improve so he didn’t hurt others in the future.  And when done well, the reaction to a failure like this is boundaries.

Failure The Offense Due to unmet expectation The Feeling Victimized The Result Personal pain Biblical Antidote Ministry Biblical Answer Process The Reaction Boundaries

Some people can’t be trusted completely, and we need boundaries in some areas of our relationship to keep ourselves safe from being hurt.  They are great people in many ways, but to continue a relationship with them after a failure has occurred boundaries are appropriate.

Now there is one last category of offense, something that is even more painful that the failure of others.

The last category of offense is a flagrant foul, and it happens when someone exploits you.

Flagrant Foul The Offense Others exploit you The Feeling The Result Biblical Antidote Biblical Answer The Reaction

The best example of this is the parable of the Prodigal Son in Luke 15:11-32.  For those of us not familiar with this story, Jesus tells the story of a son who decides he doesn’t want to live with his father anymore and help on the farm.  He asks his father for his share of the inheritance.

Flagrant fouls of this nature leave us feeling violated.

Flagrant Foul The Offense Others exploit you The Feeling Violated The Result Biblical Antidote Biblical Answer The Reaction

He told his father in no uncertain terms, that he thinks his life would be better if his father was dead, that money was worth more than their relationship.  When we are hurt at this deep of a level the result is that it changes our programming; it changes who we are at a very core level.

Flagrant Foul The Offense Others exploit you The Feeling Violated The Result Changes our Programming – changes who we are Biblical Antidote Biblical Answer The Reaction

The father, most likely very hurt, gives the son what he wants. Jesus doesn’t say anything about the father while the boy is away but we can imagine what thoughts and feelings he is tortured by.  The boy goes out and spends all his money.  Broke, he resorts to feeding pigs, which is basically hitting rock bottom for a Jewish person.  Having a moment of clarity, he remembers his father’s servants, and comes up with a plan to go back home and ask to become one of the servants so he could at least eat, now forcing his father to confront his pain, and make a decision.  The only thing that can cure this type of violation is a miracle brought about by God’s presence.

Flagrant Foul The Offense Others exploit you The Feeling Violated The Result Changes our Programming – changes who we are Biblical Antidote Miracle Biblical Answer God’s Presence The Reaction

The parable continues that when the boy was far off, the father sees him coming.  At this point the father could have a couple reactions.  He could have a break up (finalizing the end of the relationship with his son).  He could break down (not know what to do he could become incapable of doing anything), or he could have a break through (allowing God to work a miracle in his life and forgive his son).

Flagrant Foul The Offense Others exploit you The Feeling Violated The Result Changes our Programming – changes who we are Biblical Antidote Miracle Biblical Answer God’s Presence The Reaction Break up, Break Down, or Break Through,

I don’t know about you, but left on my own, I will not have a break through in these situations.  This for me is where the easy book advice falls short.  Some hurts need God’s intervention in the form of a miracle to enable us to forgive others.  My natural lean is to cut ties, break up, and start fresh.  The problem is, that is not what God calls us to.  Having a break through may be impossible for me on my own, but…

Luke 18:27 – Jesus replied, “What is impossible with man is possible with God.”

The story of the prodigal son continues with the father having a breakthrough, running to greet the son (not something a self-respecting Jewish person would do), forgiving him, and welcoming him back with full rights within the family as his son.

YOU

I don’t know what kind of hurts you have suffered and who you are struggling to forgive.  I do think this framework gives the most complete picture of a path toward healing that I have ever seen.

Frustrations (People showing up late to a meeting) Failures (Pastor promising to write a letter of reference for my foster son and failing to do so – 2x) Flagrant fouls (Joseph Story) The Offense Happens at the exchange Due to unmet expectation Others exploit you The Feeling I have no Value Victimized Violated The Result Petty response Personally painful Programming – changes who we are Biblical Antidote Maturity (my choice) Ministry Miracle Biblical Answer Patience Process (no quick fix) ((Matthew 18)) God’s Presence The Reaction Bounce Back Boundaries Break up, Break through, or Break down

Maybe you deal with a lot of frustrations that holds you back from shining the light of Christ within your community and God is calling you to patiently respond with maturity.

Maybe you have had people fail you, leaving you feeling victimized, and you need to start the process of healing that may involve having some hard conversations, getting counseling, or walking the Matthew 18 process of dealing with sin that I had to walk.

Or maybe you have had some flagrant fouls in your life that have left you feeling violated, and you need to pray for a miracle that allows you to experience the breakthrough that God desires for your life.

WE / JESUS

What I do know from personal experience is that we can do none of this alone.  The frame that we are born with, that we view the world through is too small.  When hurt, it is far too easy for the devil to shrink our frame so the only thing we see is the faults in others.  Ephesians 4:32 calls us to…

Ephesians 4:32 – be kind to everyone, tender hearted, forgiving one another as Christ forgave you

The problem with that is, when left to my nature, I cannot be kind to everyone.  My heart is naturally not tender.  And I struggle to forgive anyone even before the devil does his work of tempting me to focus in only on how they hurt me.

Ephesians 4:32 tells us WHAT God is calling us to do.  When preparing this message, God showed me a sheep that helped me understand HOW we can actually do it.

Here is a picture of Shrek

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This is a sheep that had been lost, hiding in a cave for six year.  It turns out that a sheep’s wool will grow without stopping, and they have no way to sheer themselves.  Apparently, there are no wild sheep in the world.  Every sheep needs a shepherd, which could be a message on its own.  Typically, a shepherd sheers the sheep after they get roughly 10 lb of wool on them.  Shrek had 60 lbs.  The weight was to the point that Shrek couldn’t do anything.  The weight of its own wool was too great.

What got me, was that in John 10:14 Jesus states that

John 10:14 - “I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me

Shrek is the perfect example of how we live.  We try to do everything ourselves, all the while continuing to accumulate the weight of our decisions, eventually keeping us from doing anything.

Maybe you carry the wight of a past sin, a current sin, bitterness, anger, jealousy, or unforgiveness.  Like me, you’ve read the book, you’ve tried the advice, you have exhausted your options, but haven’t been able to shed the weight of these burdens.  For us to live out Ephesians 4:32, we need Jesus, our shepherd, to sheer the emotional weight from our lives, just like Shrek needed a shepherd to remove the 60 lbs of wool from his body.

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It is only after we allow Jesus to remove the weight that we carry that we can live out the call God places on our lives in Ephesians.

Ephesians 4:32 can only be accomplished by reading it backwards.

Ephesians 4:32 –

Only after you receive God’s forgiveness then you can forgive one another then your heart will become tender and then you can be kind to everyone

We need to first fully understand the forgiveness that God has already shown us.

Romans 5:8 - But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us

We didn’t do anything to earn God’s forgiveness.  Jesus died for our sins while we were still sinning, knowing that we would continue to sin.  Even knowing this, Jesus voluntarily died on the cross to completely forgive our sins; we were forgiven for our past sins, our present sins, and our future sins.  Only by fully feeling the depth of the price Jesus paid to forgive us, can we start to extend forgiveness to others.  By reflecting God’s forgiveness to others our hearts with start to become tender, and only then can we be kind to everyone.

You see using the frame we were born with to view the world is not good enough.  God is calling us to use HIS frame to see the world through the lens of the forgiveness that HE has already given us.

[Hold up HUGE size frame]

Not earned, but freely given.  All we have to do is accept this gift.

If you haven’t accepted the gift of forgiveness that God has offered to you, maybe today is your day.  I would love to talk to you after the service, and if you’re remote we have people monitoring the stream that would love to connect through a DM on the Church’s Facebook page.

I encourage you this week.  Whatever you’re currently struggling with, identify where you are at on this framework and take the next best step that the holy spirit is calling you to take to forgive the person that has hurt you.  Pray to God that you can move past the small frame the devil is tempting you to use, and learn how to see the world as God sees it, through the HUGE frame, able to understand, empathize, and forgive the people in your life.

Please join me in prayer.

PRAYER

God, the world is fallen, people hurt us, and we hurt other people.  It is so easy to see others only by the pain that they have caused us.  Help us to throw away the tiny frame that the devil wants us to use to see other people.  Help us to learn to see other people through your frame, as people created in Your image who suffer from the effects of this fallen world just like each of us do.  Help us to fully understand the lengths that You went to forgive us, sending your Son Jesus to die for our sins on the cross.  Help us to learn to forgive others, no matter what they’ve done to us.  If they have frustrated us, help us to be mature and move on.  If they have failed us, help us to seek help and enter into the process of healing.  If they have flagrantly fouled us, we pray for a miracle that allows us to have a break through with the person.  Help us this week to take the next best step toward forgiving the people in our lives, allowing you to remove the weight of those burdens from our life.  Amen.

SONG

Good Grace by Hillsong United (https://youtu.be/EhKSRIvDFI0)

“clean hands, pure hearts, good grace, from a good God”

BENEDICTION

As you go out this week, I want to leave you with Ephesians 4:32, read in reverse.

Ephesians 4:32 –

Only after you receive God’s forgiveness then you can forgive one another then your heart will become tender and then you can be kind to everyone

Go out this week with the truth that God has already forgiven you, receive that truth, and out of it, take the next best step toward forgiving the people in your life who have hurt you.

Go in peace.

SMALL GROUP QUESTIONS

Practice Truth When was the last time you were hurt by someone else that you struggled to forgive?  Tell the story (change the names). Did the offense change the way you look at that person?  Does the example of a shrinking frame resonate with your experience? Did you seek any advice from others to help you forgive them?  What council did they give?  Was it helpful? What are your thoughts on the forgiveness framework?  Does it help to break the offenses of others into the categories of frustrations, failures, and flagrant fouls? Read Ephesians 4:32 backwards.  We can’t forgive others until we experience and know the depth that Jesus went to forgive us.  Have you accepted that gift of forgiveness in your life?  If not, what is holding you back?  Talk to someone this week about your hesitations. Do Life Together What person is the Holy Spirit prompting you to forgive?  Identify what category their offense falls into; frustration, failure, or flagrant foul.  Taken the first step toward forgiving them this week.  As someone in your group to follow up with you next weekend to see how it went.