Honor Father and Mother (Part 1)

Introduction

English Standard Version Chapter 20

12 “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the LORD your God is giving you.

Deuteronomy 21:18–21 ESV

“If a man has a stubborn and rebellious son who will not obey the voice of his father or the voice of his mother, and, though they discipline him, will not listen to them, then his father and his mother shall take hold of him and bring him out to the elders of his city at the gate of the place where he lives, and they shall say to the elders of his city, ‘This our son is stubborn and rebellious; he will not obey our voice; he is a glutton and a drunkard.’ Then all the men of the city shall stone him to death with stones. So you shall purge the evil from your midst, and all Israel shall hear, and fear.

Ephesians 6:1–4 ESV

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

We’re continuing our series through the 10 commandments, and today we’re transitioning from the first table of the law to the second table of the law, transitioning from the first four commandments that relate to man’s duty to God, to the last six commandments that relate to man’s duty to his neighbor. Now, we don’t know whether or not these commandments were separated in this way when they were written on tablets of stone, in fact, we have good reason to think that they probably weren’t. Instead, there were probably two copies of the ten commandments, written on stone, one for each party, one to be kept inside the Ark of the Covenant and the other to be given to the people for them to remember. However, distinguishing between the first four and the last six commandments has biblical precedent and is helpful to us, in fact, this is how Jesus summarized the ten commandments, using these two categories, to love God, and to love your neighbor as yourself.

As I’ve pointed out before, the second table of the law is not disconnected from the first. In fact, the first table of the law is the foundation or reason for keeping the second table of the law. We keep the second table because of the first table. We love our neighbor because we love God. Now, there are many people in our day who will champion keeping the second table of the law while believing they can dispense with the first, but not realizing that the first table is the grounds for keeping the second. Therefore, any attempt to dispense with the first table of the law will eventually lead to us dispensing with the second table. And we can observe this in real-time as we watch our own culture increasingly depart from the law of God.

Furthermore, we should also realize that if we intend to have a proper relationship with one another, that we must first have a proper relationship with God. To think that our relationships with one another will flourish without first having a proper relationship with God is nonsensical. This is why the commandments are ordered they way they are. So, as we work our way through these last six commandments it’s important for us to keep this in mind, that all of the commandments function as a whole, and that they are not arbitrary or disconnected from one another.

5th commandment is foundational

Now, as we consider the fifth commandment, to “honor your father and mother”, it’s helpful to understand that the fifth commandment functions as a foundation for the second table of the law. The fifth commandment is the foundation upon which loving your neighbor is built. Just as the first commandment is the foundation of the first table, so the fifth commandment is the foundation of the second table.

On one hand, the fifth commandment might not seem anymore significant than the rest of the commandments of the second table, in fact, it might appear as though an argument could be made that the fifth commandment is less important than say the sixth commandment, which forbids murder. Isn’t taking another person’s life more serious than failing to honor your father or mother? Well, on the surface it might certainly appear that way. It’s hard to imagine that an act of dishonoring your parents could ever be as serious as the malice required to take your neighbor’s life.

But what I want you to see is that what makes the fifth commandment foundational, is that it lies upstream of the commandments that follow. You see, the fifth commandment refers to the fundamental relationship between parents and children, and this relationship serves as a template for every other relationship that a child will have. In other words, whether a person keeps the fifth commandment or not will likely indicate how well they keep the rest of the commandments downstream, or later on in life.

For example, if you’ve ever met a kind and capable young adult, those qualities are likely a direct result of that person’s parents. If you’ve ever worked alongside someone who is honest and hardworking you probably have that person’s parents to thank. Not that there aren’t exceptions to this principle, but my point is simply that parents play a formative role in their children’s lives, and whether those children obeyed their parents or not will likely indicate the kind of people they will become, whether they’re the kind of people who lie, cheat, and steal, or whether they will be the kind of people who are honest, responsible, and hardworking.

Proverbs 22:6 famously says, “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” This is is why we frequently use idioms like “the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree,” or “father, like son,” or “they’re a chip off the old block,” because all of us recognize the impact that parents have upon their children. Even when parents neglect to train up their children in the way they should go, their children will often follow in their footsteps, even if it results in their own ruin. Whether parents intend or not, their children will be instructed by the conduct of their lives more than anything else.

Learning to live under authority

You see, the family is the first and most fundamental authority structure in society. It’s where children learn to live under authority, it’s where children learn to show respect and render obedience to authority. It’s where children learn to live alongside other people. The institution of the family is a training ground for children. It’s intended to train them how to be subject to authority, that they might know how to submit to authorities outside the home, such as the state, church elders, other Christians who are older in the faith, if women, their husbands, employers, and so on. The family prepares children to live under authority outside the home and to behave properly within those authority structures.

And as Augustine once wrote in the early 5th century, “If anyone fails to honor his parents, is there anyone he’ll spare?” In other words, just as the fifth commandment to “honor father and mother” is fundamental to holding the family together, the fifth commandment is ultimately fundamental to holding society together, because if children do not honor their parents not only will the institution of the family unravel, but so will society. If a child is permitted to be rebellious at home, then when he leaves he will become a menace to society. Just as honor and respect for authority is intended to hold a family together, honor and respect for authority is necessary to hold a society together. Therefore, the fifth commandment is fundamental to the rest of the second table, because it lies upstream. If a child’s rebellion within the home is not restrained, if children are not taught to honor their father and mother, then they will inevitably be a menace to their neighbors.

5th commandments is fundamental to law and order

I was telling my children just the other day that maintaining law and order in society is fundamentally dependent upon this commandment. That law and order depends upon a majority of citizens exhibiting self control, that law and order depends upon people having been taught to honor authority. That there are only enough police officers to restrain a handful of lawbreakers, and that the fundamental bulwark against anarchy and societal collapse is the fifth commandment. You see, the fifth commandment is a bulwark against evil and disorder, because it restrains mankind’s rebellious heart from the very beginning within the context of the home.

Which is why the devil makes it his aim to attack the family. If he can successfully undermine the institution of the family, then he can undermine society. If he can destroy the family then he can destroy a nation. Which is what we’re witnessing before our very eyes in our own country. While it’s easy to get distracted by the moral and political issues that boil to the surface, it’s important that we recognize the core issues, that much of the depravity we see today is the result of an assault upon the family.

Attack upon the family

Our culture has been working feverishly, for many decades, to dismantle the family, usually by incremental steps over time, but with the ultimate aim of destroying what’s often referred to as the nuclear family or the traditional family. I want you to think of all the ways the institution of the family has come under attack over the last 70 years in our culture. At first, it began with promoting sexual promiscuity (or as it was called, “free love”), divorce becoming increasingly acceptable, followed by no-fault divorce laws, children increasingly finding themselves a part of mixed families torn between fathers and step-father, mothers and step-mothers, then men and women increasing living together and having children out of wedlock, only to later separate and repeat the process all over again, then came the increasing acceptance of homosexual behavior, and eventually redefining marriage altogether to include homosexual relationships. Now we’re faced with men and women mutilating their genitals, pretending that their’s no biological difference between men and women, and hiring surrogates to give birth to their children.

Now, I think many of us have become somewhat immune to these developments, even as Christians, because it’s been an incremental progression over many years, some of us being born into these circumstances and knowing nothing different. But, as Christians, we must step back and recognize what’s happening all around us, that none of these developments are accidental or unrelated. That these developments are the result of a demonic, coordinated attack upon the family, with the objective to destroy it. And if you don’t believe me, many of these movements have become increasingly candid with their intentions.

For example, at one point, the Black Lives Matter website, on their What We Believe page, said this, “We disrupt the Western-prescribed nuclear family structure requirement by supporting each other as extended families and 'villages' that collectively care for one another...” Now, they obviously try to paint their intentions with virtue, but their ideology wouldn’t have broad appeal if they didn’t, so don’t be deceived. The devil will always appear to you as an angel of light. The Christian must not be gullible, but must be discerning.

Now, I understand that the vast majority of people who are being carried away by these events are unaware of these fundamental aims, that they’re merely pursuing their own sinful passions, or are merely going with the flow, but, as Christians, we must come to see that the devil has wicked intentions, intentions to see the image of God destroyed in man, and that he seeks to do this by destroying the family.

Consequences of ignoring the 5th commandment

Now, you might ask, “What changed 70 years ago that contributed to this explosion of depravity in our culture?” Well, I’m sure there are many answers we could give, but I think there’s one answer that played a fundamental role in our culture going off the rails (one that continues to play a fundamental role today). In 1946 Dr. Benjamin Spock released his extremely influential and international best-selling book Baby and Child Care. In his book Dr. Spock offered parents a humanistic perspective on raising children. In other words, the parenting advice offered by Dr. Spock was based on humanistic assumptions. His parenting advice was rooted in the assumption that man’s nature is fundamentally good.

This, however, runs contrary to the biblical teaching that man’s nature is fundamentally sinful, that we posses a sin nature, and that our wills are inclined toward evil rather than good. Consequently, Dr. Spock’s parenting advice resulted in a generation of children who we taught to “follow their heart”. That feeling good is more important than doing good, that obedience to rigid rules is to be avoided, and that parents should simply trust their parental instincts. These ideas, among others, have impacted parents to this day. Most of us are probably unaware of just how much Dr. Spock’s book influences our parenting even now, or how it influenced our own upbringing, without having read, or even knowledge of the book’s existence.

You see, basing your parenting strategy upon the assumption that man’s nature is inherently good is a disaster waiting to happen. Many parents have concluded that a hands-off approach to parenting is better than providing too much instruction, lest they interfere with their child’s natural development. This humanistic assumption reasons that most forms of discipline will actually hinder their child’s development, or even inevitably traumatize them.

But this kind of parenting puts no brakes on the sinful desires or behaviors of their children, it thinks their children’s rebellious behavior is cute, and that it promotes independence. They unwittingly throw out all forms of biblical discipline and forms of punishment that would otherwise restrain their children’s sin nature. They come to negatively perceive any attempt to require obedience from their children or for their children to submit to their authority as harmful. In short, when children aren’t required to honor their parents authority, parents tacitly give them permission to violate the fifth commandment, and as a result their children become increasingly lawless and eventually a menace to society, and with each passing generation the lawlessness increases.

Now, my goal at this point, is simply for us to see what’s at stake with the fifth commandment, to understand what’s at stake when the family breaks down. That the building blocks of society are families held together by the fifth commandment. That this is how God has designed and ordered the world. That one man and one woman would be joined together for life under the covenant of marriage, that they might be fruitful and multiply, that their children would honor their father and mother, that they might prosper.

Motivated by blessing

This is why a promise is attached to the fifth commandment, because when honoring father and mother becomes a part of a culture, God has designed the world in such a way that it will go well for them. Now, I think many of us wrongly understand this promise as an individual guarantee of long life to those individuals who honor their parents, that honoring their parents will somehow guarantee them a long life despite their surrounding circumstances, but that’s not what this text is promising. This is a broader promise given to a nation that embraces the fifth commandment.

Don’t forget, the context of Exodus 20 is a covenant between Yahweh and the people of Israel, a nation. While this command and promise is certainly directed at every individual who will eventually settle in the land of Canaan, it will take that nation, at large, embracing the fifth commandment if they intend for their days to be long in the land that the Lord their God was giving them.

You see, this promise was tied to Israel’s obedience to the covenant they made with God at Sinai, that if they kept the covenant they would live long in the land, whereas if they didn’t they would be vomited out of the land and conquered by their enemies. Now, while this is the immediate context of that promise, it still stands that any nation who keeps God law will experience similar blessings, that we will reap what we sow.

Furthermore, we learn that God’s commandments are not arbitrary, that we’re not merely intended to obey them, or else! But that there is an inherent motivation to obey God’s commands, that if we obey them we will experience blessing. In other words, the Lord has given us his commandments not because he’s mean or capricious, but because he loves us, and his desire is that life would go well for us.

Taking parenting seriously

Now, when we realize the importance of the fifth commandment, when we come to realize everything that’s at stake, this should cause us, as parents, to take our parenting very seriously. While children are commanded to honor their father and mother, parents should also understand the weightiness and significance of the office they hold, not abusing their authority, but using it for the good of their children. This is why, for example, the Apostle Paul says to fathers in Ephesians 6:4, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord,” or Colossians 3:21, “Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.”

You see, parents are intended to represent God to their children, therefore it should be clear to your children that you wield your authority for their good, and not to abuse them. This doesn’t mean they will always like or agree with your instructions, or that you won’t spank them when necessary, but no matter how much your instructions might frustrate their sinful desires that they know, without a doubt, that you love them and that you have in mind their good. And if you don’t know whether they believe this, then you need to tell them, tell them that you love them more than anything, and that you make difficult choices for them precisely because you love them.

And when you sin against them, or abuse your authority, make sure you’re quick to repent. And don’t think that repenting to your children is surrendering your authority, no, when you repent you’re showing them how to repent, by your repentance you’e instructing them.

Furthermore, love and authority are not intended to be at odds with each another, to be loving is not to bend to the wills of your children, but to wield your authority precisely because you love them. You don’t tell your children what to do merely because you can, for your entertainment, or so that you can be lazy, rather you tell your children what to do because you love them. And love is meant to motivate and direct our authority, that we exert our authority for the good of our children, not to abuse them or for them to serve us, but for their good.

And it’s paramount, not only that love motivate and direct our authority as parents, but that our children can see it. You see, because, if they can’t see that love motivates and directs your authority over them, they will come to despise you, and to despise authority, and the minute they have the chance they will rebel against your authority. However, if your children cannot escape the fact that all of your rules and all of your instructions are given because of the deep love you have for them, they will love you for it, no matter how much their sinful flesh might want to kick against your authority. When raising children, I can’t stress this enough, even if you are diligent in your parenting (and you should be), even if you aren’t mean or abuse your authority, if your children don’t recognize that you love them, you will likely fail in your efforts.

Many have come to believe that it’s normal for teenagers to rebel, but this is only because poor parenting has become the norm. Being rebellious is not a sign of how all 16 year-olds inevitably behave, but often a sign of poor parenting. The teenage years should be an exciting time as your children begin to put into practice all that you’ve taught them as they become adults. This doesn’t mean parenting will ever be easy, but the teenage years will begin to reveal the fruits of your labors, but unfortunately it also reveals where we've likely fallen short. This is why I’m so adamant about investing heavily into your children early on, require obedience from them, don’t overlook their rebellion, discipline them consistently, play with them, have fun with them, do things together, let them know that you love them. If you’re not diligent in those early years, it will become evident as they grow older.

Now, this isn’t to say that good parenting will guarantee the salvation of your children, or that good parenting always results in children who do not rebel as young adults, but diligent, biblical parenting is the ordinary means God uses to bring our children to repentance and faith, biblical parenting is the ordinary means God uses to train our children up in that the way they should go that when they are old will not depart from it. However, we must also realize that this is fundamentally a spiritual work, that repentance and faith are a gift, and that as parents we must devote ourselves to praying for our children and their salvation.

We also, must not beat ourselves up over time lost, or mistakes made in the past, but come to God with repentance, pleading for our children, that despite our own sin and mistakes that there is no heart too hard for the Lord to change. That with God there is always hope for our children.

Conclusion

Now, so as to avoid going going to long, I want to pickup in our next time with what it looks like to keep this commandment. Now that we understand the fifth commandment’s place and it’s importance, it’s role in binding the family together, it’s significance in society, and how it should cause parents to take their role seriously, in our next time I want to consider what it looks like to keep this commandment, what it means to honor your father and mother, what it looks like in practice, both from the perspective of children living at home, and children who are on their own or may now have families of their own.

Prayer