Do I really have to forgive others?

Matthew 18:21–35 (NLT)

21 Then Peter came to him and asked, “Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?” 22 “No, not seven times,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven! 23 “Therefore, the Kingdom of Heaven can be compared to a king who decided to bring his accounts up to date with servants who had borrowed money from him. 24 In the process, one of his debtors was brought in who owed him millions of dollars. 25 He couldn’t pay, so his master ordered that he be sold—along with his wife, his children, and everything he owned—to pay the debt. 26 “But the man fell down before his master and begged him, ‘Please, be patient with me, and I will pay it all.’ 27 Then his master was filled with pity for him, and he released him and forgave his debt. 28 “But when the man left the king, he went to a fellow servant who owed him a few thousand dollars. He grabbed him by the throat and demanded instant payment. 29 “His fellow servant fell down before him and begged for a little more time. ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it,’ he pleaded. 30 But his creditor wouldn’t wait. He had the man arrested and put in prison until the debt could be paid in full. 31 “When some of the other servants saw this, they were very upset. They went to the king and told him everything that had happened. 32 Then the king called in the man he had forgiven and said, ‘You evil servant! I forgave you that tremendous debt because you pleaded with me. 33 Shouldn’t you have mercy on your fellow servant, just as I had mercy on you?’ 34 Then the angry king sent the man to prison to be tortured until he had paid his entire debt. 35 “That’s what my heavenly Father will do to you if you refuse to forgive your brothers and sisters from your heart.”

What do we do with a story like this? And this isn’t an isolated statement. Jesus makes multiple statements in the gospels that link our forgiveness to our willingness to forgive others. For example, after Jesus teaches his disciples how to pray in what we call the Lord’s prayer, he says,

Matthew 6:14–15 (NLT)

14 “If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. 15 But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.

Series intro and this week’s question: Do I really have to forgive others in order to be forgiven by God?

Our tone changes the question - “How you doin?” - care “How you doin?” - Joey

One way - theological curiosity

At best, you see it as a theological curiosity - it’s asking “how does this work with what I know about Christianity.” At worst, it’s about trying to find the loophole so that you can do what you want, but still keep God happy. But the question said that way misses the point of our faith. It’s not about figuring out the minimum we need to do to keep God happy - our faith is about loving God with all our heart, soul, mind and strength and to love God means emulate his character in our relationships. In this case, we are to forgive to the same degree that we have been forgiven.

Another way - emotional reality

Some of you have been deeply wounded by someone and if we are being honest, you are afraid of letting go of the anger and bitterness that has become a part of you. Hurt people often want to do two things: 1) they want to protect themselves from ever being hurt again and 2) they want to hurt others, especially those who hurt them. And for some of you, withholding your forgiveness is how you both protect yourself and how you are trying to hurt others.

So this is a real question that we need to wrestle with.

So that we are all on the same page, let’s first define what forgiveness is and what it isn’t.

Forgiveness is not dismissiveness (it acknowledges a wrong done and a debt owed)

Forgiveness does not mean there are no consequences - sometimes the sin goes past the person (prodigal - “I’ve sinned against Heaven and you) and has social consequences.

Forgiveness is a release from the debt owed (car crash as an example - forgiveness means you pay the damages) // Forgiveness always has a cost to the one who forgives.

Now, before we move on, I want to make something very clear. Forgiveness and reconciliation are two different things. I wholeheartedly believe that can and should forgive everyone who has ever hurt us, no matter what was done. But I also believe that we don’t have to re-engage with relationship with everyone who has ever hurt us - especially if they are unrepentant or are toxic to you.

Renowned Biblical counsellor Dr. Henry Cloud, in his book “Boundaries” says it like this:

“The Bible is clear about two principles: (1) We always need to forgive, but (2) we don’t always achieve reconciliation. Forgiveness is something that we do in our hearts; we release someone from a debt that they owe us… Only one party is needed for forgiveness: me. The person who owes me a debt does not have to ask my forgiveness. It is a work of grace in my heart.”

“Many people are too quick to trust someone in the name of forgiveness and not make sure that the other is producing “fruit in keeping with repentance” (Luke 3:8). To continue to open yourself up emotionally to an abusive or addicted person without seeing true change is foolish. Forgive, but guard your heart until you see sustained growth.” - Dr. Henry Cloud

Now that we have defined forgiveness, for the context of the question before us, of whether we HAVE to forgive others to receive God’s forgiveness, let’s look at forgiveness as three things:

Forgiveness is an expectation, an opportunity, and a gift.

Forgiveness is an expectation

The New Testament is very clear - God expects us to forgive people because we have been forgiven by Him.

Colossians 3:13 (NLT)

13 Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.

Forgiveness is a command from God - this means that this is a choice, not a feeling. God also knows that because of the pain we cause each other that this is a difficult command. I think that’s why he repeats it over and over throughout the scriptures.

A couple weeks ago I talked about how this free gift of salvation is the gift of citizenship papers and passport for our new kingdom - the kingdom of Jesus. This gift is one we receive freely - it doesn’t cost us anything to get it - but it does come with an expectation that we live out the values of the kingdom. To be a follower of Jesus is to obey his commands. You can’t be a follower of Jesus and reject his teachings.

1 John 2:4–6 (NLT)

4 If someone claims, “I know God,” but doesn’t obey God’s commandments, that person is a liar and is not living in the truth. 5 But those who obey God’s word truly show how completely they love him. That is how we know we are living in him. 6 Those who say they live in God should live their lives as Jesus did.

The parable I read at the beginning specifically addresses the idea that God expects us to forgive other because we have been forgiven. It is part of our obedience to his kingship - to his sovereignty - and so to withhold your forgiveness is to disobey God’s command.

Forgiveness is an expectation, an opportunity, and a gift.

Forgiveness is an opportunity

Working at Roofmart, I prayed for opportunities to reveal Jesus to my co-workers.

When someone hurts us, we have an opportunity to reveal Jesus to others.

Ephesians 5:1–2 (NIV)

1 Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children 2 and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

To be like Jesus is to be generous with our forgiveness and when we forgive, we do two things:

We proclaim the mercy of God in OUR lives - when we forgive others, we get to tell them why we can forgive - it’s because we have been forgiven by God.

We proclaim the mercy of God for them - you are giving them a hint of what they can experience through Jesus.

You are never more like Jesus than when you forgive and when you forgive, you reveal Jesus in a way that touches people’s hearts.

Forgiveness is an expectation, an opportunity, and a gift.

Forgiveness is a gift

Forgiveness is a gift to others - we can release them from their guilt and shame

Forgiveness is a gift to ourselves - we can release ourselves from the bitterness and anger.

Forgiveness is a gift to God - it says that you trust God despite your feelings and that His way is the right way.

Forgiveness is an expectation, an opportunity, and a gift.

Conclusion

I’m aware that I haven’t answered the question. Let me be clear:

Is our salvation dependant on our forgiving others? - No. That would move our salvation from grace to works and the Apostle Paul teaches us that

Ephesians 2:8–9 (NIV)

8 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—9 not by works, so that no one can boast.

With that said, to be saved IS to surrender your life and your will to Jesus and allow him to transform your heart so that you live and relate to others like he did.

But do we have to forgive those who have hurt us? Yes. To withhold your forgiveness violates the nature and command of Jesus, who sacrificially hung on a cross so that you could be forgiven of every sin you have ever, or will ever do.

What do we do with the teachings of Jesus that link our forgiveness with forgiving others?

The point of the parable is to move people to action. Jesus is not trying to give us a full discourse on the theological process of salvation. He’s speaking passionately so that we, his followers, get the point of what he saying - so that we do what he’s commanding us to do. The parable of the unmerciful servant teaches us that because we have been forgiven, we are to radically, graciously, and supernaturally forgive others.

Marghanita Laski, who passed away in 1988, was a journalist and  author of multiple books, including Little Boy Lost.  She was also an avowed atheist. But in a moment of surprising candor while on television, she said, “What I envy most about you Christians is your forgiveness; I have nobody to forgive me.”

We are a forgiven people. Not only do we get to experience the fullness of forgiveness from God our Father because of our faith in Jesus, we get to generously give the gift of forgiveness to others.

Forgiveness is an expectation, an opportunity, and a gift.

May we, as the body of Christ, be quick to forgive so that we can reveal Jesus to the world.

Pray.