Friendship Reimagined

Intro

This morning, we are going to continue our series “Life Reimagined,” in which we have been looking at different areas of life with God’s wisdom as found in Scripture. We’ve covered many different areas so far, most recently of which was suffering. This week, we are going to look at Friendship according to God’s wisdom, Friendship Reimagined.

When I was in high school, I spent two of my summers volunteering at a Summer Camp in Upstate New York…

Ill. The Missing Ingredient that Makes or Breaks the Brownie

During the camp season, I was apart of a team that helped the camp run behind the scenes, and I’ll tell you what it was a lot of fun.

And during those summers, I was able to find some really good friends!

But, that isn’t actually why I am sharing this story

But what I am about to say is…

One summer evening I was hangin out with some other of the camp staff in the kitchen, and one of the kitchen workers offered us a brownie from a big sheet pan that they had made for an event at camp.

And these brownies looked great, they looked like any other brownie I’d ever had.

So they cut a brownie for me, gave it to me

And I took a bite, and it was DISGUSTING

You see, the reason they were giving them away to us in the kitchen is because whoever had made them had accidently forget to add any sugar…. pretty bad right?

But, what was even worse is that not only had they forgot to add sugar, but they had mistakenly added salt in it’s place.

Even though salt looks very similar to sugar, there is no mistaking them when you make the mistake of eating a salt brownie

That day, I learned a valuable lesson…

Brownies need sugar to be sweet and thus to taste as they should

And that lesson is what I want to connect to friendship this morning…

Because like sugar to a brownie are friends to our lives. They are key ingredient to enjoying life in the way God intends us to

Like sugar gives sweetness to brownies, friends give a sweetness to us as we move through life

The definition of friendship that we will use during our time is this…

Definition of a Friend:

A close relationship characterized be (by?) love, trust, and faithfulness.

- Based upon Michael Haykin’s definition in his book “- Pastoral friendship

these close relationships characterized by love, trust, and faithfulness are a crucial part of living life according to God’s design

In fact, from the very beginning, we see in Adam that he was created with the need for relationship, for friendship (I’d make a note that while God is referring to Eve, it’s a paradigm for human existence)

Genesis 2:18 ESV

18 Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.”

All human beings, including us today, are needful for close relationship with God, and friendship others by design.

Yet, though friendship is a necessary ingredient to our lives, it is easy for it to be left out.

Though friendship was brought into this world by God in Genesis chapter 2 between Adam and Eve, the obstacles to friendship came into this world almost immediately after in Genesis chapter 3 when Adam and Eve rebelled against God

Need:

And ever since the fall, pride, selfishness, gossip, distrust, isolation, fear of man, bitterness, anger and laziness all create obstacles in our hearts and world to our embrace of friendship

Like my experience with the sugar being absent from the salt brownies all those years ago, friendship can often be absent from our lives.

One headline simply states: “Boston ranked among ‘loneliest’ cities in America” (Over 38% of people live alone, and 23% of those people are female)” (https://www.boston25news.com/news/local/boston-ranked-among-loneliest-cities-america/4VFFTC7V7JC4BE62LPS2GTOFKI/) - (GOOD ILLUSTRATION)

One doctor hear in the city says that “By the time the high school and college years roll around, 73% of teens and young adults (ages 16-24) report significant loneliness, he said -- more than twice the proportion of those 65 and older who say they are lonely.” (https://www.boston25news.com/news/local/teen-loneliness-growing-program-decades-boston-doctor-says/BE3UWV7MMJAUTN6EIKJAOTJVIE/)

The U.S. surgeon general released a warning last year about the seriousness and widespread danger of loneliness here in the US, equating the health risks of loneliness with the health risk of smoking up to 15 cigarettes daily. (https://apnews.com/article/surgeon-general-loneliness-334450f7bb5a77e88d8085b178340e19)

The loneliness that a lack of friendship produces is a serious issue, especially here in the city

But just as serious as a lack of good friendship is the presence of fake ones…

Like mistaking salt for sugar in a brownie, the mistaking real friendship for fake friendship is a very real thing

Friendship where people appear to love and care for one another, but they actually are just loving themselves and seeking to get something from the other person.

Or Friendship where you don’t truly trust one another, so they aren’t willing to be honest and vulnerable about the messy parts of their lives, and they aren’t interested on truly helping and being helped by one another according to God’s truth

Or, friendships where faithfulness is absent, which may lead to information shared in confidence is wielded as a weapon again them, or an unfaithful friendship encouraging another friend to be unfaithful to God, or one or both friends abandoning the friendship as soon as conflict arises or life gets busy

These type of friendships look great, like the Salt brownie, until you actually take a bite

Yet, friendship is what we were created for, and God holds friendship up for us this morning as valuable and vital and worth pursuing

As Proverbs 27:9-10 say…

Proverbs 27:9–10 ESV

9 Oil and perfume make the heart glad, and the sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel. 10 Do not forsake your friend and your father’s friend, and do not go to your brother’s house in the day of your calamity. Better is a neighbor who is near than a brother who is far away.

In this passage, we are told of the valuable and indispensible role that friends play in our life (lives?)

And more broadly, the book of Proverbs shows us over and over again that in order to be blessed, in order to enjoy the good life God has designed us for, we must embrace friendship.

As Michael Haykin in his book on friendship so aptly states…

…based on the vision for [friendship] in Proverbs, a person would be hard-pressed to live in a spiritually, morally, or socially skillful way without the blessing of friends. - Pastoral Friendship, Pg. 90

Biblical Friendship is a good and sweet and invaluable gift from God, and we will see from Proverbs 27:9-10 why we should…

MIM: Embrace friendship, because it is a key ingredient to enjoying the good life.

Today, we will focus on three reasons why embracing friendship does lead us to enjoying the good life, and along they way to consider what it looks like to do this in our lives

Which brings us to our first reason that friends lead us to enjoy the good life, namely…

Body

Section #1: Friends Share Earnest Counsel

Look at verse 9 with me, which states…

Proverbs 27:9 ESV

9 Oil and perfume make the heart glad, and the sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel.

Ex.

Here the blessing of friendship is compared to the blessing of oil and perfume

Oil and perfume were precious commodities in the ancient world, and were valued for the sweet fragrance that they provided someone who possessed them.

When you smell the sweet fragrance of oil and perfume, you are happy

And we can resonate with that can’t we?

The excitement we feel when we smell some fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies

The warm anticipating evoked when we catch a whiff of freshly ground coffee

Or maybe, and this one might be polarizing, it is the tasty scent of a Pumpkin Spice Latte

Like the good fragrance of oil and perfume is sweet and pleasing to our senses, so the earnest counsel of a friend is sweet and pleasing to our hearts.

There is a sweetness, and pleasantness, a blessing to having a friend

And friends, according to Proverbs 27:9, give “earnest counsel” to one another

This phrase “earnest counsel” conveys the idea of heartfelt, genuine, loving guidance and direction

And, implied in this verse is that this counsel is good, wise counsel arising from a wise friend

It is in accordance with Proverbs 9:10, which states…

Proverbs 9:10 ESV

10 The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and the knowledge of the Holy One is insight.

This sort of counsel, sourced from someone who fears God and knows him and his Word, is prized through the book of Proverbs

For example, in 11:14…

Proverbs 11:14 ESV

14 Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety.

Good counsel leads to guidance, safety, and flourishing

And further, there are proverbs that also warn of the folly of ignoring wise counsel, such as 1:29-31…

Proverbs 1:29–31 ESV

29 Because they hated knowledge and did not choose the fear of the Lord, 30 would have none of my counsel and despised all my reproof, 31 therefore they shall eat the fruit of their way, and have their fill of their own devices.

Ignoring good counsel leads to folly

And lastly, listening to wicked counsel leads to deceit and destruction, as 12:5 states…

Proverbs 12:5 ESV

5 The thoughts of the righteous are just; the counsels of the wicked are deceitful.

In summary, hearing and heeding good counsel is imperative to our lives if we desire to be wise and enjoy the good life God has created us for

And Proverbs 27:9 exposes that friends are one of the main ways we receive it

They are delightful and sweet to us because we need wise, earnest counsel from them, and vice-versa

This reminds me of a dire situation Carissa and I were in a few weeks ago….Assembling a piece of Ikea furniture…

Ill. Putting together Ikea Furniture

Carissa and I were putting together a Shoe Rack

And this isn’t just any shoe rack, it is an Ikea Shoe rack, with rotating shelves to hide our shoes

We got about 90% through the assembling and it was time to put the shelves into the rack

And I just couldn’t figure it out

And I tried one way a couple of times, tried another way a couple of times - I’m sweating

And Carissa gently pointed out what I had missed in the directions

I needed her counsel, and I’ll tell you what, it was a welcomed word from her!

We all have likely had a similar situation with Ikea, and there are many other things in life in which we need counsel from a friend…

College decision

Balancing academics and personal life and church life

Conflict situation at work

Sin issue that you are battling

Difficult parenting situation

Habits and daily decisions (the small things)

Grow in your marriage

Caring for a loved one in medical decline

etc

One thing to note here, be sure you are taking counsel from someone who is already embodying good, godly, counsel in their own lives.

And sometimes, this counsel will be encouraging and exactly what we wanted to hear, but at other times, it might be discouraging and exactly what we need to hear. I’m think here of the category of confrontation or admonition

As Proverbs 27:5-6 put it…

Proverbs 27:5–6 ESV

5 Better is open rebuke than hidden love. 6 Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy.

We are need to earnest counsel found in close relationships of love, trust, and faithfulness to help us walk well in life

This is the first reason why embracing friendship leads to enjoying the good life

But before we move on to the second reason, I want to pause and point something out…

App. Humility in Receiving counsel

Proverbs 27:9 is assuming something very important, and it is this: humility in one’ heart is necessary to hearing and heading counsel from a friend

If you are not someone who listens the earnest counsel of friends, and if it accords with God’s Word, submits to that counsel, that should be a blinking warning light

As Proverbs 1:22 warns…

Proverbs 1:22 ESV

22 “How long, O simple ones, will you love being simple? How long will scoffers delight in their scoffing and fools hate knowledge?

God’s vision for our lives is not one of autonomy and private decision making. (GOOD LINE) That may be an American vision, but it is not God’s vision

Rather, God call us to receive and to give earnest counsel to friends, friends who we are close with, who we love, trust, and are faithful to.

To speak into our habits, our media consumption, our marriage, our sin struggles, our big decisions, our work-life balance, etc.

One question for us to consider is this…

Who in your life do you invite earnest counsel from? And not only are willing to hear them out, but to even change your course of action based upon their wisdom? (How do we draw this toward COAH? How do people find that here?)

And further, are you a person who gives earnest counsel to others?

A prerequisite to embracing friendship and thus enjoying the good life God has designed us for is humility in recognizing that we are needy for the help of others.

In this manner, the earnest counsel that friends share is a sweet aroma to us

And further, besides the blessing of what friends share with us in counsel, the second blessing of friendship that we see in Proverbs 27 is that…

Section #2: Friends Bear Heavy Burdens

Look with me at 27:10...

Proverbs 27:10 ESV

10 Do not forsake your friend and your father’s friend, and do not go to your brother’s house in the day of your calamity. Better is a neighbor who is near than a brother who is far away.

Ex.

Here, the writer commends the embrace of friendship to us by commanding us against the opposite

He tells us “Do not forsake” meaning don’t leave behind or abandon, “your friend or your fathers friend”

What does that last phrase mean?

“your friend” that’s fairly straightforward right? A person in your life with whom you have a close relationship of love, trust, and faithfulness.

But what about “your father’s friend”? Who is that supposed to be?

The key is in realizing that "your father’s friend” is not referring to a second friend , but rather the quality of the first friend, “your friend”

A person whose friendship to you has been tried and true for two generations

Now, to be honest, many of us likely don’t have friends who have been friends to us for two generation, yet the point is still relevant to us.

When a time of calamity strikes, don’t forsake those with whom you are close to, and who have proven to be so by the test of time

And this is complimented by the second command found in the verse…

Proverbs 27:10 (ESV)

10 Do not forsake your friend and your father’s friend, and do not go to your brother’s house in the day of your calamity.

We are not to forsake our friends (command #1 )in calamity, and we are not to go to our brother’s house (#2) in calamity.

That seems kind-of odd doesn’t it? Why must we go to our friends, but not our family?

Well, that certainly would be odd if that is what this verse was communicating, but the tail end of the verse will help us understand this prohibition more clearly

The reason we are to not forsake our friend and not go to our brother’s house is because…

Proverbs 27:10 (ESV)

Better is a neighbor who is near than a brother who is far away.

In other words, when calamity strikes in our lives those closest to us, geographically as neighbors and relationally as friends, are better able to help than even our own family if they are far from us

And this in no way is to discount the value of family, but to elevate the value of close relationships in time of need, whether they are family or not

Ill. Asheville Neighbors in the Midst of Hurricane Helene

Pooling resources - food, water, baby formula, diapers

Charging station for phones

Other things

The way in which neighborhoods through North Carolina are leaning into relationship with one another right now is a picture of how we as a local church are to embrace, rather than forsake, our friends in the midst of calamity

We are to embrace, rather than forsake friendship…

When we find out that we have been laid off from our job

When you, or someone you love, receive a devastating medical diagnosis

When you feel crushed by the ache of unmet expectations regarding your relationship status

When you are faced with bills that you don’t know how you will pay

When the cracks present in your marriage give way to a torrent of confusion and conflict

When sin has a strangle-hold around your heart and you feel hardened and hopeless

When these or other difficult, discouraging, dark times we are not to forsake those who love us and are loyal to us

And, as the proverb stress the importance of the local proximity of our friends in helping us, this reminds us of how important the local church is to this end…

App. Press into the church

The reality is, because of our sinful bent towards pride and self reliance, we so easily drift away from friend rather than run towards them

But when we commit to a local church, we are committing to befriend and allow others to befriend us, even and especially when times get tough

The friendship we were designed for in creation is what God has made abundantly possible in redemption, as we experience community amongst God’s redeemed people in the local church.

This is why community is one of our core values here at City on a Hill

Because the gospel brings us close to God and consequently to one another (like the friend and neighbor in our proverb)

And the community of the church, where we can know and be known, love and be loved, trust and be trusted, care and be cared for, is the greenhouse in which friendships can flourish.

This part of why membership is so important, because in becoming a member of a church, you are communicating that I am going to commit to this group of people to help them walk in wisdom as they follow Jesus, and this group of people is committing to do the same for me. Often, a close friendship with someone personally follows after a committed relationship to God’s people corporately.

And further, this is why leaning into a Community Group is important, because these groups are designed to help us cultivate friendship with one another as we regularly share our time and our food and our hearts and our prayers with one another. One of our main goals with Community Groups is to develop friendships.

So, let’s press into the church, and let’s do so especially in the midst of calamity…

It’s ironic isn’t it, that the burdens that should remind us most of the importance of friendship, often make us the least incline to press into our friendships.

It’s easy to go to church and to go to CG and to be transparent and vulnerable when our marriage is great and our walk with Jesus is close and when our house is in order, but man is it tough to do so when we are struggling.

Often when we need friendship in community the most, we can want it the least.

But, this proverb is so clear, when times get tough, don’t forsake your friends.

Proverbs 27:9-10 have shown us that friends help us to enjoy the good life God has created us for as they share earnest counsel with us and as they bear heavy burdens alongside us

But, we have yet to turn to our last reason we should embrace friendship, namely that…

Section #3: Friends Show The Friend We Have In Jesus

The Book of Proverbs is a book of wisdom, filled with the truths that as God’s word helps us to live God’s Way in God’s Word

And today, we have learned just that in relation to friendship, understanding better what God’s way of friendship is, and what it looks like in the world he has placed us in

But if we ended there, we would miss something incredibly important…

As God’s Word, Proverbs not only helps us to live God’s Way in God’s Word

It also sets the stage for the day when God’s Word would enter God’s world, and perfectly live out God’s way as Wisdom himself

Listen to the first verse of John’s gospel…

John 1:1 ESV

1 In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.

John 1:14 ESV

14 And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we have seen his glory, glory as of the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth.

Jesus, the eternal Word of God, came into this world as the embodied Word, perfectly revealing God the Father

And Paul, describes Jesus in Colossians 2:3 as the one…

Colossians 2:3 ESV

3 in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge.

Jesus is the perfect embodiment of the wisdom Proverbs gives us, including the wisdom about friendship

He is the Ultimate Friend who shared earnest counsel with others throughout his life

Whether it be…

Warning to the scribes and Pharisees about there hypocrisy

Encouraging the shamed, saddened Samaritan woman at the well about her true need

Challenging the rich young ruler who loved his money more than God

Listening to all he met so well that he knew there problems better than they did

And being deeply attuned to his disciples hopes and fears, knowing them better than they did, and speaking encouragement and correction into their lives again and again and again

Though we can make mistakes in the counsel we give or be misguided in our motives, Jesus counsel always was, and always is perfect…

He always said what needed to be said in love and courage, and always withheld from saying what shouldn’t have been said in patience and self-control

And through the Bible, which is His Word written by his Spirit, he continues to earnestly counsel us from it’s pages today

Jesus is the ultimate Friend who shares earnest counsel with us

And secondly…

Jesus is the ultimate Friend who bears heavy burdens for us

He did not stay far away and distant, but he drew near to live alongside us as a neighbor in our time of calamity

One of the almost comical ways that this is put on display is through one of the favorite insults levied at Jesus by the religious leaders of his day, due to his close friendship with those whose lives were a total mess

Jesus himself recounts this in Luke 7:34…

Luke 7:34 ESV

34 The Son of Man has come eating and drinking, and you say, ‘Look at him! A glutton and a drunkard, a friend of tax collectors and sinners!’

Jesus was accused of being a “friend of tax collectors and sinners.”

Because, as we see throughout the gospels…

Jesus moved towards sinners as a friend, he broke bread with people who were broken by their guilt and shame and sorrow due to their rebellion against God, against Him.

In love and grace he received them, not because there sin wasn’t wrong, it was, but because only he could make them right as their Savior.

As Luke 5:30-32 captures…

Luke 5:30–32 ESV

30 And the Pharisees and their scribes grumbled at his disciples, saying, “Why do you eat and drink with tax collectors and sinners?” 31 And Jesus answered them, “Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. 32 I have not come to call the righteous but sinners to repentance.”

Jesus was a friendly neighbor sinners in the midst of their calamity

And further, he did the same for sufferers as well…

Toward people experiencing unimaginable physical and mental anguish, who were possessed by demons or immobile due to life-long paralysis or ostracized from society due to their incurable diseases

And even though he was the busiest person who ever lived, he never conveyed irritation or impatience towards those who needed his help.

Jesus is THE neighbor and friend to others in the midst of their calamity

But, in order to understand the friendship of Jesus, we must understand something very important....

He is a friend to us in ways that we are unable and to be a friend to him.

In other words, we have a sort of vertical friendship with Jesus as our God and Savior, that is different than the horizontal friendship that we have with one another as fellow people

He is a friend to us in ways that we can’t be a friend to him

He extends grace to us, whereas we receive grace from him

He earnestly counsels us, we listen, trust and obey

He helps us in our calamity, but he has no need of us doing the same

He forgives us, whereas we are forgiven by him

And though at first this lack of reciprocity might make it feel hard to be friends with him, the opposite is true with Jesus

Because it means that throughout his life on earth, he was able to share earnest counsel and bear heavy burdens with those who were unable to do the same (he can be friends with anyone)

And it means that towards the end of his life…

Even after one of his friends - Judas- betrayed him to be killed

And all of his other friends - the 11 disciples - forsook him in the garden

And one of his best friends - Peter - denied that he even knew him

Even then, as Jesus told his disciples he would do in John 15:13…

John 15:13 ESV

13 Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.

Jesus’ love, trustworthiness, and faithfulness as a friend are so great, that he endured the betrayal, abandonment, and denial of his friends on his way to laying down his life for them

He willingly ate the salt brownie of forsakenness by his friends, and he did so for those very friends, for us

On the cross, he took upon himself the guilt and shame of sinners, so that we could be brought near in close, friendly relationship with God

And his work was proved effective when three days later he rose from the dead

Proving to the world that he is indeed the Ultimate Friend, whose earnest counsel is worth banking our lives upon, and who is strong enough to bear our heavy weights, including the heaviest weight we have, namely our sin and condemnation before God

Now, Jesus has ascended to the right hand of the Father and there he freely offers his friendship to all who will trust in Him.

Have you taken him up on his offer?…

App. Gospel Appeal

Have you turned from your sin, turned from your self-reliance, and trusted in Him as your Lord and Savior, who lived and died and rose again so that we can be saved?

His earnest counsel to you and I from Matthew 11:28-30 is this…

Matthew 11:28–30 ESV

28 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

Will you listen to Him, and respond by coming to him, and giving to him the heavy burden of your sin, so that you can enjoy life with him?

Come to Jesus this morning with empty hands of faith, receiving him as your Lord and Savior, and thus having him as your Friend forever.

Friendship with him is foundational to the friendship Proverbs 27 has called us to this morning

And for those of hear today who have come and found our rest in Jesus, we should be encouraged….

App. Be Encouraged by Jesus as your Friend to be a friend to others

Our friendship with Jesus is what empowers our embrace of one another as friends

Because Jesus’ knows and love us, we are free to know and be known by others, to love and be loved by others.

Because our identity is secure in Him, he frees us from feeling like we need to be OK when we are NOT OK, and therefore to be honest and vulnerable with one another

Because he is abundant in patience, love, and forgiveness towards us, we are motivated to be earnest in our counsel towards others, in grace and truth, even when it is hard or uncomfortable

Because he does not forsake us in the midst of our sin and suffering, we are motivated to not forsake one another even when that requires great sacrifice on our part.

The friend that Jesus is to us is what empowers us to be friends to one another

So brothers and sisters, let’s…

Conclusion

MIM: Embrace friendship, because it is a key ingredient to enjoying the good life.

Let’s pray together…

Closing Thoughts: Somewhere in there, I think you need to make it really practical. “Here’s how you make friends”. I think you are on to something good though