Honor Father and Mother (Part 2)

Jacob Whitaker

The Law • Sermon • Submitted a year ago • Presented a year ago

Honor Your Father and Mother Commandment

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Introduction

English Standard Version Chapter 20

12 “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the LORD your God is giving you.

Deuteronomy 21:18–21 ESV

“If a man has a stubborn and rebellious son who will not obey the voice of his father or the voice of his mother, and, though they discipline him, will not listen to them, then his father and his mother shall take hold of him and bring him out to the elders of his city at the gate of the place where he lives, and they shall say to the elders of his city, ‘This our son is stubborn and rebellious; he will not obey our voice; he is a glutton and a drunkard.’ Then all the men of the city shall stone him to death with stones. So you shall purge the evil from your midst, and all Israel shall hear, and fear.

Ephesians 6:1–4 ESV

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Well, this week, is part two of our look at the 5th commandment, to honor your father and mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you. And as most of you are aware, we’ve been walking through the ten commandments found in Exodus 20 and Deuteronomy 5 for several months now. We’ve already looked at the first table of the law, commandments 1-4, that have to do with our duty to God, now, we’ve reached the second table of the law, commandments 5-10, that have to do with our duty to one another, or to our neighbor. Or, as Jesus summarized both tables, 1) to love the Lord your God with all your heart, and 2) to love your neighbor as yourself.

As I pointed out in our last time, the fifth commandment plays a vital role in whether or not we’re likely to keep the rest of the commandments. That the fifth commandment lies upstream of the last five commandments. The fifth commandment is related to the fundamental relationship between parents and children, and that this relationship serves as a template for every other relationship that a child will have. In other words, whether a person keeps the fifth commandment or not will likely indicate how well they keep the rest of the commandments downstream, or later on in life. How well you love your neighbor as yourself will largely be determined by how well you’ve kept the fourth commandment to honor your father and mother as a child.

Handing down the faith

I also pointed out that the family is the fundamental building block of society, and that it’s the fifth commandment that holds the family together. Therefore, the family is always under attack, because the devil knows that if he can undermine the family, then he can undermine society. And more than that, if he can undermine the family then he can undermine God’s redemptive work, because the Gospel is more readily handed down and transmitted via the family than by any other means, so if the enemy can undermine the family, then he can undermine the transmission of the Gospel.

You see, one of the fundamental responsibilities of parents is to teach their children the law of God and the Gospel, to hand down their faith to their children. We see this expectation throughout the books of Exodus and Deuteronomy, even before the Israelites had left Egypt. For example, in Exodus 12 when God established the Passover Feast for the first time, we read beginning in verse 24,

English Standard Version Chapter 12

24 You shall observe this rite as a statute for you and for your sons forever. 25 And when you come to the land that the LORD will give you, as he has promised, you shall keep this service. 26 And when your children say to you, ‘What do you mean by this service?’ 27 you shall say, ‘It is the sacrifice of the LORD’s Passover, for he passed over the houses of the people of Israel in Egypt, when he struck the Egyptians but spared our houses.’ ” And the people bowed their heads and worshiped.

So, from the very beginning, the Israelites were instructed to teach their children of Israel’s redemption from slavery in Egypt. Then later in Deuteronomy chapter 6, after Moses reminded the Israelites of their covenant with God at Sinai, and listed for them again the 10 commandments in chapter 5, he said this, beginning in chapter 6, verse 4,

English Standard Version Chapter 6

4 “Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. 5 You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. 6 And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. 7 You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. 8 You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. 9 You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.

He then goes on in verse 12 to tell them that they must do this lest they forget the Lord, who brought them out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery. In other words, they must never forget their redemption, and therefore they must teach it to their children, they must hand down their faith to the next generation, lest the Israelites forget the Lord and their redemption.

And this model of handing down the faith continued under the new covenant as well. For example, when the Apostle Paul wrote to Timothy in his second letter to him he encouraged him to continue in the faith handed down to him by his mother and grandmother. At first,Paul writes this in chapter 1, verse 5,

English Standard Version Chapter 1

5 I am reminded of your sincere faith, a faith that dwelt first in your grandmother Lois and your mother Eunice and now, I am sure, dwells in you as well.

then later in chapter 3, beginning in verse 14, he tells Timothy,

English Standard Version Chapter 3

continue in what you have learned and have firmly believed, knowing from whom you learned it 15 and how from childhood you have been acquainted with the sacred writings, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus. 16 All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, 17 that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work.

Again, this is one of the fundamental reasons the institution of the family is under attack, and it’s why the 5th commandment is so important, because if the enemy can undermine the family, then he can undermine the transmission of the Gospel. And while this isn’t the only way the Gospel can be transmitted, the family is the primary vehicle, designed by God, to transmit his commandments and the Gospel to the next generation. In fact, looking around this room, most of you, if not all of you, are here as a result of your parents handing down their faith. This is why I stressed last week the importance of parents, that the 5th commandment should cause parents to take their parenting seriously.

Taking seriously honoring father and mother

And similarly, children must also take their responsibility to honor their father and mother seriously. While parents have a responsibility to take seriously their role, children also have a responsibility to take seriously their’s, because, as we’ve seen, there is a great deal at stake. And it’s here that I want to spend the rest of our time this morning, considering our responsibility to honor our father and our mother.

Now, as we consider our obligation to honor our father and mother, I want to begin by considering the Hebrew word translated honor. The Hebrew word translated honor is kavod (kah-vode). The word kavod means “glory” or “weight”, conveying a sense of weightiness, significance, or importance. Kavod means to give weight to something. For example, the words of those we honor should carry weight with us, that we immediately stand up straight and listen, because their words carry weight. This is how the 5th commandment is intended to hold families together, by children honoring their parents, or giving weight to the office or position their parents hold.

Honor is fundamental to every kind of relationship. Citizens honor their governments because they’re an institution established by God. Wives honor their husbands because of the authority God has given them. Church members honor the elders placed over them by God in the church. Students honor their teachers, and employees honor their managers. And the the moment honor is lost these relationships begin to fall apart. Therefore, honoring father and mother is crucial to holding the family together.

All honor due to God

And honor is due in all of these relationships and circumstances for one fundamental reason, because all honor is due to God. You see, God is the source of all authority, therefore anyone we’re commanded to honor possess delegated authority. Governments possess delegated authority, elders possess delegated authority, husbands possess delegated authority, teachers possess delegated authority, managers possess delegated authority, and parents possess delegated authority. Therefore, when we honor our parents we’re ultimately honoring God and his authority.

Which explains why a severe penalty was prescribed for extreme violations of the 5th commandment under the old covenant. Listen to what Moses wrote in Deuteronomy 21:18-21,

Deuteronomy 21:18–21 ESV

Again, we’ve seen capital punishment prescribed for violating the ten commandments before, and we’ll see it again later, but it’s important for us to remember that God’s punishments are always just, and, in fact, usually merciful. Therefore, when we see texts like these, that may seem extreme to us, this should be a sure indication that we don’t take the commandment serious enough, or that we don’t take God’s holiness seriously enough. We should always remember that we rarely take our sin seriously enough, and have a tendency to think lightly of our sin, to minimize our sin, and as a result we view God’s punishments as extreme. Therefore, we should learn from Deuteronomy 21 that we must not take the 5th commandment lightly.

Honoring parents honors God

So, when we honor our parents, we honor God. Children, when you obey your parents, you’re acknowledging that their authority comes from God, therefore when you submit yourself to your parents you’re submitting yourself to God. When we honor father and mother we acknowledge the weightiness, the significance, and the importance of their position and authority given to them by God.

And this point is crucial for us to understand, because we have a tendency to think that others must earn our respect. Therefore, we reason that if our parents aren’t honorable then we’re not obligated to honor them. That we only have to honor our parents if they’re honorable. That our honoring is somehow contingent upon whether they’re honorable or not. But this isn’t how it works.

Rather, we’re obligated to honor our father and mother because of the position or office they hold. In other words, their role as father and mother is weighty, significant, and important regardless of how well they execute that office, even if those holding it are unworthy of it. That person’s unworthiness does not diminish the value or importance of that office. We honor father and mother by showing respect for the position they hold, not whether they live up to it or not.

This is why it’s important that children understand that when you submit yourself to your parent’s authority you’re fundamentally submitting yourself to God’s authority. Or that when we honor our father and mother we’re fundamentally honoring God. Because, while our parents are sinful and fallible, God is not, while our parents may behave dishonorably, God does not, and while your parents may not know what they’re doing, God does. It’s essential that we keep this in view when seeking to keep the 5th commandment, because to rebel against your parent’s authority or to dishonor them would be to rebel against God’s authority and to dishonor him. We don’t honor our parents because they deserve it, we honor them because God does.

Children obey your parents

Now, at this point, we should examine what it means, in practice, to honor your father and mother, because the application of this commandment differs for young children compared to adult children. While the 5th commandment is binding on all of us, no matter what stage of life we’re in, how we keep the 5th commandment does depend upon our stage of life; in other words, the nature of honoring our parents changes when we reach adulthood. At first, while we’re children, we’re under our parent’s authority, and instructed to obey them. Listen to how the Apostle Paul applies the 5th commandment to children in both Colossians 3 and Ephesians 6, Colossians 3:20 says,

English Standard Version Chapter 3

20 Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.

then in Ephesians 6:1-3 he writes,

English Standard Version Chapter 6

6 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), 3 “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.”

The obligation of children to their parents is obedience, children are to obey their parent in everything. This is how the 5th commandment is kept while children are still under their parent’s authority within the home.

In fact, it’s interesting that, while we know very little about Jesus’ childhood, what we do know is that he obeyed his parents. Luke records the incident in the second chapter of his Gospel. He describes how it was the custom of Jesus’ parents to travel to Jerusalem every year to celebrate the Passover, but one year, when Jesus was just twelve years old, they realized he was missing from among their caravan while they were traveling home from the feast. They immediately returned to Jerusalem to look for him, and after three days they found him in the temple, sitting among the teachers, listening and asking them questions. His mother asked him, “Son, why have you treated us so? Behold your father and I have been searching for you in great distress.” And Jesus answers them, “Why were you looking for me? Did you not know that I must be in my Father’s house?” Now, if you’re not careful, you might read that as though Jesus were being snarky with his parents, but Luke assures us that he was being nothing of the sort, Luke immediately follows up in verse 51 by saying,

Luke 2:51 ESV

And he went down with them and came to Nazareth and was submissive to them. And his mother treasured up all these things in her heart.

So, even Jesus, the very Son of God, obeyed his parents as a child. Now, not only does his example reaffirm a child’s obligation to obey their parents, but this also teaches us that if Jesus can submit to his fallible earthly parents, then surely we can too when we’re children.

Good reasons for obeying parents

Furthermore, if you’re a child still under the authority of your parents, listening to me right now, I want you to know God has good reasons for you to obey your parents. And it’s important that you recognize those reasons, because your natural tendency will be to resist your parent’s authority, and to make all sorts of excuses why you shouldn’t have to. You need to know that God has put you under their authority for your good.

First, as I’ve pointed out already, when you submit to your parent’s authority you’re submitting to God’s authority, you’re honoring him, so no matter how imperfect your parents may be you need to remind yourself that you’re submitting to them because you want to submit to God’s authority. Listen again to what Paul says in Colossians 3:20,

Colossians 3:20 ESV

Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.

Why? Because it pleases the Lord. The fundamental reason you obey your parents is to please the Lord. There will be many times when you really don’t want to submit to your parent’s authority, but remember in those moments that while you may not agree with your parents it pleases the Lord when you do. Obey your parents with the intent to please your Lord. Obey your parents out of a love for God.

Second, obeying your parent’s teaches you to trust God with your circumstances. In this fallen world you will find an infinite amount of reasons to rebel against authority, but when you realize that there is no authority except that which comes from God, then you find that you can entrust yourself to him. Just before Jesus’ crucifixion, when Pilate told Jesus, “Do you not know that I have authority to release you and authority to crucify you?” Jesus answered him, “You would have no authority over me at all unless it had been given you from above.” In other words, Jesus recognized that any authority given to Pilate came from God, and knowing this Jesus was able to entrust himself to God. Therefore, as children, learn to entrust yourself to God by submitting yourself to your parent’s authority.

Third, listening to your parent’s instruction will make you wise. Proverbs 13:1 says, “A wise son hears his father’s instruction, but a scoffer does not listen to rebuke,” and Proverbs 1:8-9 says, “Hear, my son, your father’s instruction, and forsake not your mother’s teaching, for they are a graceful garland for your head and pendants for your neck.” Then listen to what it says in the next verse, “My son, if sinners entice you, do not consent.” One of he biggest difficulties children often face is peer pressure, pressure to forsake their parent’s instruction, enticed by others within their peer groups.

Lastly, I want to point out a few reasons why honoring your parent as a child is hard. First of all, all of us find it hard to show honor, whether to our parents, or to anyone else. Why? Because we would much rather honor ourselves, and honoring someone else requires that we give up honoring ourselves. Second, your pride, believing that you know more than you do, or better than your parents, will be tempted you to rebel against them, but don’t give in to those temptations. Recognize that your parents were once children just as you are now, that God has given them to you for your good and for your instruction, and that they can likely foresee consequences that you do not yet see. And third, you will be tempted to think that to escape the rules and authority of your parents will result in freedom, but nothing could be further from the truth. Instead, trust God and seek to please him by submitting yourself to your parent’s authority.

Honoring parents

Now, when children become adults and leave the confines of their home, it’s God’s intention that they would start households of their own, or as Genesis chapter 2 puts it, to leave and cleave. That a man should leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, becoming one flesh, to be fruitful and to multiply, raising children of their own. And while their obligation to honor their father and mother remains intact, the nature of that relationship changes after they establish their own household. While the obligation to honor their father and mother does not change, how they carry out that obligation does.

Proverbs 23:22 says, “Listen to your father who gave you life, and do not despise your mother when she is old.” In other words, while you may no longer be obligated to obey your parents as you once did as a child, their words should still carry weight, because their position still warrants honor and respect. And while this change might seem obvious to most of us, this is often more difficult than many of us realize.

These new boundaries of authority are important for both parents and children to recognize. First, parents must recognize this, lest they try to control the lives of their adult children, as if their adult children were still under their authority at home. Parents who attempt to do this will eventually damage their relationship with their adult children, driving them further and further away.

Second, children must also recognize this, lest they allow their parents to meddle in their affairs, deferring to their parents rather than their spouse, or pitting their spouse against their parents. How many stories are their of mother-in-laws interfering in the marriages of their sons, seeking to exert her control through him, eventually ruining her relationship with both him and her daughter-in-law, and likely resulting in division between the husband and wife.

So, while it might seem obvious to most of us that only children are obliged to obey their parents, this can prove more difficult than we realize when our children leave home and seek to establish families of their own. This can prove difficult for parents who are seeking to transition their children into adulthood while their children still live under their care, knowing how to start treating their children like adults while still expecting their children to obey their instruction when necessary. Navigating this territory can be difficult for both the parents and the children. Both parties will need to have grace for one another, the children still willing to submit to their parent’s authority, while the parents begin to loosen the reigns.

Showing gratitude

Now, what does it look like, in practice, for adult children to honor their father and mother? Well, one way we do this is by showing them gratitude. Most of us don’t realize the kind of sacrifice our parents made for us until much later in life, and sometimes it doesn’t become clear just how much until after we’ve had children of our own. Children require an enormous amount of work, especially when they’re younger. If you have several small children, all under the age of five, parenting for many years just looks like triage in the aftermath of a train wreck. There’s no way to get around it. It’s just exhausting. There’s a reason people would much rather have sex without having children, because having children requires so much from you.

Most of us never realize how self-centered we are until we have children, before children the world seems like your oyster, and everything you do is usually meant serve you, but children force you to love someone other than yourself. And I know this doesn’t sound like the greatest advertisement for children, but my point is that most parents pour their heart and soul into their children, agonizing over their children’s salvation, fretting over their education, whether they disciplined them too harshly or not harsh enough. And parents come to love their children more than any of those ambitions they had in the early years, they wouldn’t trade their children for anything. So, when you ask how can I show my parents honor, tell them how grateful you are for them, tell them how much you love them, if you live far a part from them make a point to call them often. If you live close by visit with them.

Make some return to them

Another way adult children honor their father and mother is by making some kind of return to them. Listen to what the Apostle Paul says in 1 Timothy 5:3-4,

1 Timothy 5:3–4 ESV

Honor widows who are truly widows. But if a widow has children or grandchildren, let them first learn to show godliness to their own household and to make some return to their parents, for this is pleasing in the sight of God.

One of the issues of the early church was caring for widows. And while the church gladly took take care of widows, Paul told Timothy that not all widows were eligible to be cared for by the church. Later, he tells Timothy that younger widows should seek to be married, raise children, and manage their own households, so that the church wouldn’t be needlessly burdened. And he also tells Timothy that “if a widow has children or grandchildren, let them first learn to show godliness to their own household and to make some return to their parents, for this is pleasing in the sight of God.” In other words, as adult children we have an obligation to our parents to take care of them if they need us. When Paul says that we must “make some return to [our] parents” the word translated return could be translated recompense, or payback. They took care of us when we were children, therefore we have an obligation to take of them when they are in need of us.

Conclusion

Now, as we close, my hope is that you’re able see the fifth commandment now with fresh eyes, to see it’s significance to the family, it’s importance in society, how it functions as a vehicle for the transmission of the Gospel to the next generation, that the family is an essential element of God’s created order, and why it is under attack in our day, and why we must fight for it. That in light of the 5th commandment parents would take their parenting seriously, and that children would take their obedience seriously, recognizing that submitting to their parents is submission to God, and that it pleases him. That honoring our father and mother is a lifelong duty.

Prayer

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