Marriage Legacy

Family Life

When I was a kid my parents threw a 50 year anniversary party for my grandparents.

It was small just immediate family but it was like a lunch in Santa Barbara and we all had to dress nice…

The reality is I dont remember it all that well…

What I remember thinking of was was how amazing 50 years was…

When your like 12 years old…50 just sounds like so long

And what it did in my family is re-enforce an ethic…That you get married and you stay that way

Like I said I don’t remember much about that day but I do remember wanting that…

And this is the power of a great marriage that is anchored in Jesus

Is that it sets an example for generations to follow…

So if you're here this morning, especially if you have young kids…You have to ask yourself the question…What do I want for my kids?

Because the marriage you are showing them right now will be their standard for marriage! For better or worse!

So how do you leave a legacy of marriage?

Well you adopt God’s vision for marriage…

For three weeks we talked about

God’s vision for marriage

Being Best friends

Marriage and roles

Then for the last two weeks we talked about the Biblical sexual ethic…

Now if you guys have been listening to the last two weeks then we are going to inevitably get to kids

Now, I am not sure if there is a more important role in life than being a parent. Kid’s can’t just raise themselves and unfortunately that is some of your story…

Parenting is a divine task. It is literally the first thing that God told humanity to do…

Genesis 1:28a (NIV)

God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number;

Make more humans!

BUT! Lord, it really would have been helpful if in the Bible you were to lay out like 10 or 15 basic parenting principles…

Parenting at every stage has the potential to be rough on a marriage…

The two highest divorce rates in a marriage are at 7 years and when the kids leave the house and go to college.

The first 7 years is usually a failure to connect…a failure to become selfless and put the marriage first

And the kids going off the college is almost always because you didn’t parent God’s way

So here is what I want to do with us…I am taking a risk

I have a fill in that is my first point…but in order to do it I need three people…Do we have a husband, a wife and a child.

I need to do some staging here

When you get married, its just you two. (Couple holds hands) You guys spend money on dumb things…you have a crazy life of just the two of you…

In the beginning there is even more intimacy…

And then BAM! she is pregnant! and all of the sudden there is a baby…

AWWW

So let’s go to scenario 1

So the couple’s attention goes from one another to this baby! (Baby holds hands with mom and dad)

And maybe this baby just gets used to co-sleeping…and its cute for a minute until intimacy is totally dead

And everything you do is for your kids…

as the kids grow up and they stay in this place their schooling becomes your life

their sports become your life…Ballet…Baseball…Soccer…Doctors visits…Braces…

pretty soon you stop dating…You stop texting through the day…Everything just becomes about them

and the whole time it’s all about what your kids need and then before you know it they go off to college and you are left looking at this person and your like who is this older lady and she is like who is this old guy I am with

and then you realized you centered your marriage on your kid and somewhere along the way you just became business partners running the family.

You haven’t really connected with your spouse in years…

This is why couples divorce when their kids go to college…

Its not the kids fault…But because you have placed them in the middle of your marriage you make them feel like it is your fault…But its really not…You set the foundations up wrong!

Ok…Now let me show you what I think is closer to God’s way!

Scenario 2

Ok so how do we stage this couple.

(Husband and wife holding hands w/ hand on the shoulder of the child)

The marriage is the strongest link

Kids get support! Kids are not in the middle…But they are being lovingly supported by mom and dad

Do you still do baseball and soccer and braces and all the things, of course you do but you do so together…as a married couple that is still dating!

Every single Sunday afternoon I have a standing appointment to take my wife on a date, lucky my kids are old enough that we can just ditch them!

…most of the times we get coffee and sometimes we get food…and often a kid will want to go with us…My very easy response is NO WAY!

Now my kids get everything they need, they get tons of time with us…they are not deprived…But I know that for us to have a good and thriving family my kids need to see us as the strongest link

I know for my kids to have good marriages one day they need to follow in our footsteps so not only am investing in my marriage this way….

See to live this was is to invest in your kids future marriage…you are modeling for them

In a Christ-centered Marriage (Ephesians 5:21-33, 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, 1 Peter 3:1-7) For the well-being of my children and marriage, the strongest bond in our family must be the one between my spouse and me.

Now obviously this is in the context of a marriage that honors and revers Jesus, and this was the first few weeks of our series

But parents you have a huge job as well…

You have to raise the next generation!

I see this all the time: I have seen parents give up control in parenting. And parents your divine mandate is Genesis 1:28

Genesis 1:28 NIV

God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moves on the ground.”

Jewish and Christian thinkers for generations have seen this passage in light of parenting more than anything else

NT wright says that this passage is not only about having children but the need to direct them to know God’s redemptive plan

Bonhoeffer said this is about parents teaching their children of God’s broader purpose in creation

John Calvin Says that this is about teaching your children to know and worship God

Augustine of Hippo said this passage was about teaching your children to Honor God in all things and resist sin

Most Jewish Theologians see this verse as understating that God’s job for parents is to direct them to the Torah

The idea is that Parenting is a God ordained type of leadership that the Lord delegates to you

Parents have a divine mandate to lead their children. (Gen 1:28)

Parents…You are the ones who lead…Your kids are not co-leaders in the family! you are the leaders!

American parenting is pretty notoriously the other way around

There is this famous story of a Chinese man visiting America who commented on families…I found a few versions of the same story so I am not sure how much is legend and how much is fact but the story goes that a Chinese immigrant was commenting on the differences between china and America…and he talked about parenting and he said this:

'In China, parents are like the captains of a ship, guiding their children safely through the waters of life. In America, it seems like the kids have taken the wheel!'

The reality is that whether this story is actually factually accurate or not…There is truth in it.

This summer we were at Hume lake and there was a really young family next to us and the mom and dad had a 2or 3 year old and they asked the kid for permission for everything

“Ok do you want to take a nap now?” NOOOOOOO! !!!

“Ok do you want to get out of the water yet?” NOOOOOO!!!!

“do you want a snack?””” NOOOOOO

I couldn’t believe they were just running everything by their two year old…This poor kid…They set this child up as the boss in the family that gets a say in everything…2 year olds are not ready for that kind of responsibility.

Ok honey do you want this do you want that…More screaming and crying…

I just wanted to say….”Your a parent and your divine mandate is to lead your kids so do that!” Just tell them what they are going to do…stop asking for their permission!”

Parents! Dont make your poor children make adult decisions! You need to lead them

Let’s look at Ephesians 6

Ephesians 6:1–4 NIV

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise—“so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.” Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.

First of all, you just have to realize how absolutely rare it is for children to be addressed in the Bible

Jesus addressed them in the gospels and it was a revolution! q

It says children obey your parents…Husbands and wives…This is why we talk about the word “submit”

Paul calls you to Submission in your marriage and he has the word “Obey” available to him…But he doesn't use it in the context of marriage…he uses it in the context of parenting

Jon Courson’s Application Commentary Chapter 6

The Greek word translated obey is hupakouo, which speaks of a soldier about to engage into battle, listening carefully for the orders and instructions of his commanding officer. If he didn’t listen carefully, he could be in the wrong place at the wrong time, costing him his life. The scriptural command to obey one’s parents doesn’t call for a “yeah, yeah, yeah” kind of response. No, it calls for one to obey them as if his life depended on it

Some of you might have marriage all wrong if you think my spouse doesn’t obey me! Well scripture doesn't say that!

obedience is something that is demanded on children not on spouses!

Kids need to be taught to obey. They don’t do it naturally! In fact they naturally disobey…

There are a few lies that modern Psychology has taught us.

The first one is from Freud and other secular Humanist:

Children are basically good. They are born good and corrupted by their soundings and their experiences…and it is the job of the psychologist to bring out the inner good of a person…

But this is not a Christian perspective:

Psalm 51:5 NIV

Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me.

Even when Jesus was addressed by the rich young ruler

Mark 10:18 NIV

“Why do you call me good?” Jesus answered. “No one is good—except God alone.

Jesus commented on the inherent sinful nature of all of humanity!

We are born sinful…

Your kids are such precious little sinners!

And thats why we have children’s ministry. To introduce them to the only one in the universe who is truly good!

So that they can learn early to repent and follow Jesus in his goodness…

So parents, why do your kids need to learn to obey you?

1. It puts them in the right place in your marriage! That your marriage is the strongest link!

2. Because you are trining them to follow Jesus! How will they every obey the word of God if they dont learn obedience in your house first?

Then Paul

And then see Paul reminds children of the 5th commandment

Honor your father and mother!

Now why is this impotrant?

It’s the same reason as obedience! If they can’t give you honor…

Will they ever be able to worship the lord and give him the honor due to his name?

Parents there is absolutely nothing wrong with demanding that your kids treat you with respect and honor. In fact it is probably the best thing that you can do for their development and their future in following Jesus

In fact you should demand that your kids honor their elders too.

They need to be trained to do this, it doesn't come naturally!

Ok Going back to Eph 6, it give another point that is so revolutionary

Ephesians 6:4 NIV

Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.

The word exasperate here is kind of interesting, it means to provoke to anger!

Which you have to understand in the ancient world would have just been a crazy thing to say to a father

Up until maybe 100 years ago children were seen as more of a commodity to own then a precious beautiful creations…

Children were treated often times really poorly…The standard used to be regular beatings and neglect.

And for the Apostle Paul to tell fathers…Look…Don’t act like the rest of the world when it comes to parenting…

instead ….Bring them up in the Lord’s instruction!

It takes great time and care to instruct someone

And you have to ask yourself…Why is Paul addressing fathers here?

It might just be something you skip over, but its actually a really impotrant point!

Because ancient mothers usually did everything. So for Paul to tell Fathers to do something is to say…Hey take an active role

Four points on beginning a parenting legacy

1. Pave the road that they will walk on

Proverbs 22:6 NIV

Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it.

You literally build the road of a faith legacy

It would be worth it for you and your spouse to take these 4 points home and have a pow-wow over them

To talk about them and say…are we doing this!

So with this first point…How do you pave a rode in your family?

1. Are you the strongest link?

2. What are you modeling?

3. Do they see you honoring Jesus? \

are you leading your kid or are they leading you?

You get the divine task of setting the direction in your family

2. Nurturing kids with Grace

Ephesians 6:4

Now we just talked about Ephesians 6:4, where it says fathers dont exasperate your kids rather bring them up in the instruction of the Lord…

You have to ask yourself…When Paul says the instruction of the Lord…What is he talking about?

Probably the sermon on the mount!?

Love your enemies…Pray for those who persecute you

If you remember a grudge that you have against someone and you are bringing your gift to God leave it go and be reconciled and then come back

Don’t store up treasures on earth but in Heaven!

I mean do your kids see this at home? Do they experience it?

Do you regularly give your kids the instruction of the lord…

And here is the deal. We have an excellent children’s ministry But the absolute best we can do is about 30-45 minutes of instruction on a Sunday morning…and some mid week mentoring

We can not replace you! We are just supplementing what you should be doing at home…

If I were a nutritionist and asked you…what is your nutrition plan…And you are like…Ok..>hear me out….We eat one big meal on Sunday morning…and thats it! I would say you are crazy! you are going to starve yourself…Your body needs more than that

So parents…You have a divine mandate! don’t starve your kids!

Will your kids recognize the love and grace of Jesus because they are experiencing it from you?

3. Protecting them with the Word of God Daily

Deuteronomy 6:6–7 NIV

These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.

Colossians 2:8 NIV

See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the elemental spiritual forces of this world rather than on Christ.

Parents this is such an obvious and fundamental thought that I am worried that you will just dismiss it as too basic.

The default knowledge of this world is hollow and deceptive philosophy…

Now this is just my opinion here and I think I have a lot of solid ground to stand on..>Even most parenting philosophies post 1960 I would say are anti-biblical and hollow and deceptive philosophy

See parents when you pave the way and nurture them along the way…you train your kids in truth

4. Recognize the seasons of parenting ( Ecclesiastes 3:1)

Ecclesiastes 3:1 NIV

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:

Season 1: Service: From birth to about two years old your role is the servant and your goal is to raise a secure child

Season 2: Leadership: From 2-13 you have to transition from their servant to their leader this is charaterized by authority! and your goal as a parent here is to help your child become self governing

Season 3:mentoring: From 14-21ish This is a season of releasing…Helping your kids to make their own decisions and your goal here is to have an emancipated child!

Season 4: Friendship: From the time they leave your house You are like a friend or counselor to you child and the parenting goal here is to have a good relationship with your child

Some of you may want to take a picture of this chart or write it down…

Think about this…What if at age 2 you never make the transition from servant to leader? Well…your kid never achieves independence

This is not a joke…I had a young adult in a ministry years ago that had a conflict with her boss and brought her dad in to help talk to the boss!

Your kid needs you to train them to be independent…They will think life is so hard how can mom and dad do this to me…but it is the greatest thing for them…

Let’s think about it this way…What if you jump too fast to season 4…

Let’s say your kids is 12-14 and a ball of hormones and your like…I just want to be your friend! Then you approve of all the stupid stupid stuff they do,…it is disastrous!

Here is the deal…all of these ages have a different season and each season needs a different kind of leader

Now some of you may disagree with this but here is what I will tell you

This is how Jesus made disciples there are 4 phrases he said to his disciples all in different stages of their own discipleship

Come and see

Come and follow me

Come be with me

Abide in me

Parents I want to see you create a legacy of Christ honoring families

Marriage is hard…But it’s so much harder when you try and do it your way vs the way of Jesus

So here is what I want to do:

Pray