CHANGE YOUR CHAIR TO CHANGE YOUR HEART

If our numbers grow but our hearts and lives remain unchanged, nothing will really happen. True transformation comes not from external activity, but from the work of the Holy Spirit within us.

Last week, we read 1 Corinthians 13. It’s often heard at weddings, but we must understand the context Paul had in mind. He wasn’t thinking about weddings or marriages when he wrote this chapter. He was addressing a church that was busy, active, even religious—but their hearts remained untouched by the Spirit. They were moral on the outside but lacking the fruit of true love that only comes from a changed heart.

Paul provides a list of characteristics that define this kind of love—patience, kindness, humility. And here’s the convicting part: you can be a moral, religious person, active in your church, yet still be an impatient, bitter, and irritable person. It happens all the time. That's why, over the next few weeks, we’ll examine the characteristics of a supernaturally changed heart. We won't stay only in 1 Corinthians 13; we’ll explore other passages that illuminate these traits. Today, we begin with the first characteristic: love is patient, and it keeps no record of wrongs.

This passage is staggering when you consider its depth. Patience is not just about enduring inconveniences; it’s about a heart that’s transformed by the grace of God. Verses 9-13 talk about patience and graciousness in life generally, and verses 14-21 focus on forgiveness and love in response to specific mistreatment. But we must ask, where does the power come from to live this patient, loving, and courageous life?

Romans 12:9–13 ESV

Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality.

This passage tells us to serve others, not out of obligation, but from love. Verse 11 calls us to serve the Lord, not because we have to, but out of a deep joy and hope. Verse 12 commands us to be patient in affliction. The word Paul uses for patience here means to endure, but it’s not mere begrudging endurance. No, it’s endurance filled with prayer, joy, and hope—an internal strength that comes from the Holy Spirit working in us.

What does it mean to be patient?

Impatience, at its core, is a form of grumbling. In the Bible, to be impatient is to be a grumbler. And grumbling was one of Israel's most frequent sins. When things went wrong, they grumbled—not just against the circumstances, but against the God who ordained those circumstances. The same is true for us. When we grumble in our impatience, we are essentially questioning God’s sovereignty over our lives. James 5:8-9 is a parallel passage, where James writes, "Be patient, do not grumble, for the Judge is standing at the door."

James 5:8–9 ESV

You also, be patient. Establish your hearts, for the coming of the Lord is at hand. Do not grumble against one another, brothers, so that you may not be judged; behold, the Judge is standing at the door.

Paul echoes this in verse 19 when he says, "Leave room for God's wrath."

Romans 12:19 ESV

Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.”

That’s a striking statement. God’s wrath is His just judgment that will be fully revealed on the Last Day. On that day, everyone will receive what is due for their sins. Paul’s point is that impatience and grumbling arise when we put ourselves in God’s place, trying to take control and judge the world ourselves. But we are not the Judge—God is.

So, what does this mean for us?

It means that when we grumble in impatience, we’re sitting in God's chair, attempting to take on a role that only He can fulfill. We must remember that the gospel of Jesus Christ frees us from this need to control and judge. Through Christ’s atoning work, we are assured that God is both just and merciful. This enables us to live with patience, knowing that God’s justice will ultimately prevail, and His mercy is sufficient for us.

The power to live this patient and loving life comes only from the gospel. It comes from knowing that Jesus Christ has already borne the ultimate judgment on our behalf, and that because of His sacrifice, we can trust in God’s sovereign will for our lives.

So, how does this actually work in our lives?

Your plans fall apart, things go wrong, and those crucial goals you’ve set are not met. You face major disappointments, and you wonder why life isn’t going the way it should. Here’s where the heart-check comes in: when these things happen, how do you respond?

If you are sitting in God’s chair—meaning, you believe you know how things should go and what everyone deserves, including yourself—then when life doesn’t go the way you think it should, frustration, bitterness, and resentment creep in. You assume you know better than God how things ought to unfold. This leads to a grumbling heart, which is the opposite of a patient heart.

What does it mean to have a grumbling heart?

SCORNFULNESS

Let me show you some signs. One is scornfulness. Scornfulness says, "I know best. I know exactly what I deserve and what others around me deserve." It’s an attitude of superiority and this is pervasive.

SELF-PITY

Another sign is self-pity. You feel sorry for yourself because you’re convinced that life hasn’t given you what you deserve.

ANXIETY

Anxiety is another sign of a grumbling heart. Why? Because deep down, you believe you know how your life must go, and you’re afraid that God, who is ultimately in control, won’t get it right.

Worry is essentially saying, “I don’t trust that God knows what He’s doing.”

These are the marks of a heart that refuses to surrender to God’s sovereignty—a heart still sitting in God’s chair. But what are the marks of a patient heart?

A patient heart is characterized by joy in hope.

A patient heart is characterized by joy in hope. What does that mean? It means that under pressure, a patient heart is calm and poised. It has a joy that doesn’t depend on circumstances and therefore cannot be extinguished. Most importantly, a patient heart is filled with hope. As

Psalm 30:5 (ESV)

Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning.

A Christian who truly understands the Bible knows this:

JOY IS ALWAYS ON THE WAY.

It may not come as soon as you want, but it’s promised in your future. Goodness and glory are coming for those who are in Christ. Maybe it’s far off, but no one who trusts in the Lord will be disappointed in the end. A patient heart rests in this truth, gets off the throne, and lets God be God.

Now, some of you might be thinking, “Sure, it’s easy for preachers to say this. You’re just making me feel guilty for grumbling. Everybody grumbles sometimes.

But let me put it to you this way: imagine you’re sitting on a couch watching TV, and suddenly you see a flame at the far end of the couch. What would you do? Would you sit there and say, “Well, it’s just the other end of the couch, I can still watch TV”? Of course not. You’d jump up and deal with the fire before it consumes the whole couch. Grumbling is just like that small flame. It starts as a tiny spark, but if left unchecked, it will consume you.

C.S. Lewis, in The Great Divorce, paints a powerful picture of this. In the story, people from hell visit the outskirts of heaven, and one woman from hell meets someone she knew on earth who is now in heaven. She begins to complain about everything that went wrong in her life, justifying all her grievances. The guide in the story points out that there’s a critical difference between being a grumbler and becoming a grumble. At first, we may still be distinct from our complaints, able to repent and change. But over time, if unchecked, we may lose that ability, and all that’s left is the grumble itself—a heart consumed by bitterness and dissatisfaction.

Lewis also warns about the danger of an "endless autobiography." A life filled with constant complaining and self-justification is one of endless reflection on our own disappointments and how the world has wronged us. It’s slavery—slavery to the belief that we know better than God how things should go. And that kind of life destroys relationships, poisons the heart, and erodes our joy.

But God, in His grace, calls us to get off the throne. He knows that sitting in His seat leads to destruction, and that’s why He warns us against it. Just like a doctor would tell you to avoid something that harms your body, God tells us to stop grumbling because it harms our soul.

The question we all need to ask ourselves is: are we humble enough to admit that we don’t know what’s best for us? Can we surrender our desires and goals to God, trusting that He knows what He’s doing even when we don’t? That’s the essence of patience and graciousness in life.

And that brings us to the second half of what Paul is saying. After discussing patience in the general troubles of life, Paul turns to the more specific challenge: how do we respond when someone wrongs us?

What’s so remarkable about this passage, particularly verses 14–21, is that it lays out a principle, then provides five very practical ways to live out that principle. So, let’s start with the principle and then move on to the practice.

WHAT IS THE PRINCIPLE?

Romans 14:21 ESV

It is good not to eat meat or drink wine or do anything that causes your brother to stumble.

The word overcome here is a military term. It means to defeat, to conquer. What’s striking is that Paul presents only two possibilities: either you will be defeated by evil, or you will conquer evil by responding to it with good. There’s no middle ground.

So, let me put it another way: if someone hurts you, and you either hurt them back or harbor a desire in your heart to see them hurt, then evil has already won. You’ve been defeated. You’ve lost the battle, because evil has taken root in your heart.

You might be asking, "How can that be?" Well, let me give you three ways it happens—though there are many more.

DISTORTING YOUR RELATIONSHIPS

When someone hurts you and you hold onto anger—whether it’s an outright bitterness or a low-level grudge—it begins to distort how you see others. You replay the offense in your mind, justifying your anger. And as you do, you tend to flatten the person who wronged you.

For example, if someone lies to you, you start to think of them as nothing but “a liar.” But if you lie, it’s different, right? When you lie, you justify it—“I shouldn’t have lied, but it was complicated”. You see yourself as nuanced, but you caricature the other person as a one-dimensional villain. That’s the first way evil distorts your relationships.

And it doesn’t stop with the individual. If a man has been deeply hurt by a woman, he might begin to generalize that hurt to all women. If someone from a different race or class harms you, it can affect your attitude toward the entire group. The grudge you hold distorts not only your relationship with the person who wronged you, but also your relationships with others like them.

DISTORTING YOUR SELF IMAGE

Holding onto anger doesn’t just distort how you see others; it distorts how you see yourself. You start to feel noble, as if you’re somehow elevated because of what you’ve suffered. You begin to say, “Look at what I’ve been through, how I’ve been wronged.” That sense of self-pity and self-righteousness can make you feel justified in doing things you know are wrong—whether it’s being cruel or dishonest—because you tell yourself, “I deserve this after what I’ve been through.”

This opens you up to even more temptation. Evil has won because it’s made you more susceptible to sin. You’ve been overcome.

INCREASING EVIL IN THE PERPETRATOR

When you stay angry at someone, it rarely leads to their improvement.

If you’re cold to them, they may never realize they’ve wronged you, and nothing changes. Or if you confront them in anger, it’s likely to make them defensive, causing them to feel self-righteous and justified in their behavior. This not only allows evil to continue in them, but it also increases the likelihood of them harming others. Evil wins again.

So, what’s the solution? Paul says we must overcome evil with good. But how? That’s where these five practical steps come in.

Five Ways to Overcome Evil with Good

Bless those who persecute you

Romans 12:14 ESV

Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them.

“Bless and do not curse” means, at its core, to pray for those who wrong you. Jesus Himself taught this in Matthew 5: “Pray for those who persecute you.” When you pray for someone, especially someone who has hurt you, it’s difficult to stay angry. Even if your prayer starts with, “Lord, open the eyes of that fool,” you’ve begun the process of softening your heart.

Praying for someone also knocks down the sense of superiority. You can’t pray sincerely while thinking you’re better than the person you’re praying for. When you bring them before God in prayer, you’re reminded of your own flaws and your own need for grace. This is the first step in overcoming evil with good.

Forgive

Romans 12:17–19 ESV

Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.”

“Do not repay anyone evil for evil.” Forgiveness means not seeking revenge, not even in your heart. Jesus made it clear that sin doesn’t just happen in actions; it begins in the heart. Forgiving someone means choosing not to retaliate—neither outwardly nor inwardly.

Some might say, “I can forgive, but I can’t forget.” But often what that really means is, “I won’t retaliate directly, but I’ll hope something bad happens to them.” That’s not true forgiveness. If you’re secretly rooting for their downfall, you haven’t truly forgiven.

Forgiveness is something you must grant before you feel it. Jesus commands us to forgive in Mark 11:25, not because it’s easy, but because it’s necessary.

Mark 11:25 ESV

And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.”

Forgiveness is an act of the will, not an emotion. You may not feel forgiving at first, but as you act in forgiveness—choosing not to retaliate, choosing not to speak ill of them, and refusing to nurse grudges—your feelings will eventually follow.

Don’t avoid them

Romans 12:18 ESV

If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.

Paul says, “As far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” True forgiveness means you remain open to reconciliation. If you say, “I’ve forgiven them, but I don’t want anything to do with them,” that’s not real forgiveness. You’re still retaliating by cutting them out of your life.

Peace may not always be possible—the other person might refuse it—but as far as it depends on you, you should pursue peace.

Do good to them

Romans 12:20 ESV

To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.”

Paul says, “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.” This goes beyond forgiveness. It’s about actively seeking their good. But it’s nuanced: doing good doesn’t mean enabling their sin. If someone is harming others, the loving thing may be to confront them, even though it’s uncomfortable. Love seeks what’s best for the other person, not what’s easiest for you.

Do it humbly

Romans 12:16 ESV

Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight.

Finally, Paul says, “Do not be proud.” When confronting someone, if you approach them with pride or a sense of superiority, it’s not likely to help.

Proverbs 25:15 ESV

With patience a ruler may be persuaded, and a soft tongue will break a bone.

Proverbs 15:1 ESV

A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

True humility makes space for them to listen to you because they can see that you genuinely care. If you go in simply to “get it off your chest,” evil wins.

WHERE DO WE GET THE POWER TO DO THIS?

At this point, you might be thinking, “This is impossible.” And in a sense, you’re right—it is incredibly hard. But the key is in verse 19:

Romans 12:19 ESV

Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.”

“Leave room for God’s wrath.” This is the secret:

GET OUT OF GOD’S CHAIR.

If you’re holding onto anger, it’s because you believe you’re the judge. But only God has the knowledge and the right to judge.

HOW TO GET OUT OF THE CHAIR.

LOOK AT YOURSELF

You are totally unqualified for this job. You don’t know enough to know what they deserve. Secondly, you don’t have the right to give them what you deserve.

One way to get out of the chair is to look at yourself, but actually that’s not the main way. The main way is

LOOK AT JESUS

The only human being in the history of the world that had the knowledge to sit in the chair of judgement and condemnation, did not. Why?

John 12:47 ESV

If anyone hears my words and does not keep them, I do not judge him; for I did not come to judge the world but to save the world.

If Jesus Christ didn’t sit in that chair, how dare you or I? If Jesus Christ said, “I didn’t come in the world to judge it,” but I came to save, I came to forgive, I came to pardon, I came to redeem, then you should be doing the same thing. How dare you and I get in that chair? But don’t just look at what Jesus didn’t do for a second. Look at what He did.

Look at His patience.

Isaiah 53:7 ESV

He was oppressed, and he was afflicted, yet he opened not his mouth; like a lamb that is led to the slaughter, and like a sheep that before its shearers is silent, so he opened not his mouth.

They stripped Him and put a scarlet robe on Him. And then twisted together a crown of thorns and set it on His head. They put a staff in His right hand, they knelt in front of Him, and they mocked him, “Hail! King of the Jews.” They said, they spit on Him. They took the staff and struck Him on the head again and again. He didn’t open His mouth, why? He was patient, under suffering, under affliction. Why? For us, for us!

If you look at Jesus Christ being patient, trusting God, not complaining, never grumbling under affliction, just as an example, I don’t think that’s going to change you because it will be crushing.

Living out Jesus example will never change us; only experiencing Jesus example in our lives will change us.

Before love is something you do, it’s someone you meet

When you see that Jesus was patient under suffering, even forgiving those who crucified Him, and when you realize that His patience and grace saved you, it changes you. Only by experiencing His love can we begin to love others in return. We can forgive because we’ve been forgiven. We can show patience because He was patient with us.

Through His infinite patience, Jesus took the penalty we deserve, so God will never lose patience with us. Let that transform your heart. Only then can we truly overcome evil with good.