Fighting for your marriage

I want to spend 5 minutes on talking about this election. and then Praying for our country

I have always said that as christians we ought to resist the urge to become beholden to any particular political party

When you start believing the spin and the rhetoric then it is really easy to look at others who vote differently than you as your enemies. Rather than loving others and sharing the gospel with them.

Our Allegiance to Jesus should always be to Jesus first

It’s okay to belong to a party, to have political views that align with your party and to vote with your party

BUT the ultimate allegiance of a christian is to Jesus and the Kingdom of God

Think of your allegiance almost as prioritized as it as kingdom over country over party…In election cycles this reverses

I think this matter so much because too often the church ends up running the errands of a political candidate.

So the last thing you will hear me do is to support a political candidate.

Now I do have political beliefs. If you want to have a cup of coffee with me and talk about politics, history and political systems and all the “ism’s” then that is right up my wheelhouse. I’d be glad to talk your ear off about the genius of John Locke and his brand of Juris Naturalism….

But I wont preach about it because I have a strong conviction that this pulpit is reserved for the word of God not your pastor’s crazy opinions.

Some churches have pastors that stand up and endorse…you do not have one of those pastors

However do think in church in America has a very interesting historical role. And an impotrant role that you need to know about:

Dr. James McHenry was one of the youngest delegates at the constitutional convention. McHenry had the opportunity of witnessing an interaction that has gone down in the history books as a very important exchange…

As he was leaving the convention that day, he saw Benjamin Franklin emerge from the building and a certain woman named Mrs. Powell from Philadelphia. According to McHenry this woman Mrs. Powell walked up to Franklin and really openly and honesty said, “Well doctor, what have we got? A republic or a monarchy?”

Franklin paused and looked at her. He said, “A republic madam – if you can keep it”

Franklin said this because for the first time in modern history the power was given to the people, not a king or a dictator….And the question was…Can America hold on to this? Can she keep it?

Well as you may know….We had a revolution here in 1776 that booted England out of our country and we probably would not have won if it were not for France…

After our revolution, France got inspired and had their own revolution to boot out their monarchy…

But in America our revolution ended with peace and in France it ended with the guillotines and mass execution. So this Academic Alexis De Tocqueville travels to America and tours America and the whole time is asking the question “How are the American’s keeping their freedom?”

This is a small quote

“Not until I went into the churches of America and heard her pulpits flame with righteousness did I understand the secret of her genius and power. America is great because America is good, and if America ever ceases to be good, America will cease to be great.”

-Alexis De Tocqueville

He saw the moral power of America alive in the churches and then that moral power go out into the country through voting and participation in the system.

That’s how America keeps its republic…The secret power is christians!

Now, you can not make someone christian by voting…But you can take the ethics of Jesus wherever you go. influence the outcome of the election on every level…From your local authorities to the president.

Now I am saying all of this because there has been some new research out that says 51% of people of faith will decline to vote this year. I want to encourage you to take biblical convictions to the polls. Your country literally asks for your voice! So feel free to give it to them…

I think it is impotrant that if Christians are given a say in society that they exersize it. I’ve been to countries where christians are oppressed and get very little to no say. Let’s not loose our voice

And the last thing that I want to say and I have said this a bunch when we went through the book of Revelation…

The kingdom of God is not dependent on the outcome of an election. Jesus will be on his throne.

And now let’s pray for our nation and for the candidates

Father, This Tuesday will be a consequential day for America. I pray that your will be done on earth as it is in Heaven. I pray that you would be with each person here who will vote. Lord I pray that you would use the church as an instrument of helping our city to flourish, our state to flourish and for the flourishing of our country. Lord we recognize that the rhetoric around voting this year is extremely divisive, so I pray for a spirit of unity here at REC. Would we be the people who heal wounds, who speak peace, would we be the people who exercise faith and security even if things dont go our way. Lord would we be the people who reflect your character to our world. And father we do pray for all of our candidates who are running for office. we pray for their safety and ultimately that they would be an instrument in your hand for your will to come about. ~I pray that they would submit themselves to you and humble themsleves before your throne. Lord be with our nation. Amen

Amen

Desiree Intro Fighting

I asked Desiree to come up with me, if you haven’t met her yet this is my wife Desiree. We wanted to tel the story of one of our first big fights and how it affected all of our other fights

I would say that as we talked about it and remembered this fight, Both Desiree and I honestly can not remember what the fight was about but we just remember how we fought

So I will start. We had a fight and what came out was both of our parents.

During this fight I followed Desiree around the house, I wanted to get it solved in a productive way right now and I didn’t want us to be angry any more. That is both my mom and dad. When they fought while I was growing up they sat down at the kitchen table and they fought and they didn’t get up until it was resolved.

See that’s the kind of fight I am used to….

So Desiree why dont you talk about what was happening within you

DESIREE:

Got in her car, called a friend and went to target

And I am a let’s settle this right here right now guy so this was not cool with me.

She just needed time to collect her thoughts and that is what was modeled to her so thats what she did.

So for us I am pretty sure we lost whatever the fight was about and we fought about fighting…and what ended up happening when you fight and your invested in your fight then you go deeper in intimacy together

So i want you all to go home today and pick a fight with your spouse!

Here is what we discovered. I get triggered when she leaves, that doesn’t work for me, I’ve never seen that modeled well before, she is just going to collect her head and I immediately go to, my wife just left me!

And what we discovered about Desiree is that she needs time and space alone to think about what just happened, and I need to not follow her around the house nagging her to talk.

SO that one fight forever changed the way that we fought. Now if we are upset with one another I just give her space and time and once she is good she commits to sitting down with me and working it out

Now we dont even think about the way we fight we just do this naturally

Here is the deal…If your not fighting in your marriage then maybe your not getting to the deeper spots of intimacy that you are getting to…

I am never worried about couples who fight, but I am always a little worried about couples who don’t fight

Fighting is a valuable tool to grow in intimacy with one another.

Transition

This fight taught us to fight for our marriage…It taught us how to fight with forgiveness in view…We fight with a goal

So this is our last week on marriage and so of course we are going to talk about Fighting and fighting for your marriage

So lets look to scripture about fighting

This is what James, the brother of Jesus has to say about fighting

James 4:1–10 NIV

What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures. You adulterous people, don’t you know that friendship with the world means enmity against God? Therefore, anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God. Or do you think Scripture says without reason that he jealously longs for the spirit he has caused to dwell in us? But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: “God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.” Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.

Now I want to tell you something that might be shocking to you

You married a sinner

The person who you said I do to is not perfect they have sinful desires and tenancies

BUT if they are following Jesus then by God’s grace over the years those are getting refined and transformed over time.

What James is talking about here are fights in the church. He reminds the church look you all need to survive together in community with humility and submission to the lord.

he mentions our advisory…he says resist the devil

So lets walk though this verse…I love it when a bible verse just lays out

Confront your own desires

James 4:1 NIV

What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?

We all have inner desires. The point of following Jesus is that he will actually transform these inner desires

Marriage is for your sanctification

Because I said it before and I will say it again. You are a sinner and you married a sinner. \

Shocker, there will be problems there and what James says is that these problems will ultimately be because of our desires.

Now what happens when you learn to love a sinner?

It changes you!

It grows you

It actually takes you closer to christ likeness

See when you learn to love a sinner a flawed person then what is happening is that you get a glimpse of how Jesus loves us.

You are doing something Christlike when you love your spouse in the midst of their junk.

So when you are in a fight with your spouse or anyone

You can start with 2 questions

what are my own desires here, what do I really want, why am I mad?

Are my desires out of my own flesh? Are my desires redeemed?

and how can I assume the best intentions of my spouse

Practice Humility with one another

James 4:6 NIV

But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: “God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.”

Humility in the context of marriage is not getting your own way

I talked about fighting in marriage as a good thing because it causes you to go deeper and deeper with one another but a good fight is different than being quarrelsome

Being quarrelsome and nagging is actually the opposite of humility it is pride

being intentionally quarrelsome or nagging means that you have to get your own way all the time and if you don’t then you will make life difficult on everyone

This is not a problem unique to women Guys, Men you have this problem too!

It is a condition of the heart that needs to be repented of…

Here is what the author of proverbs has to say about being quarrelsome

Proverbs 21:9 NIV

Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.

Proverbs 21:19 NIV

Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife.

And if the book of proverbs just described you, men and women. I want to challenge you to repent!

If being quarrelsome or nagging defines you I am afraid that when you die and you have to face judgment you will say, Hold on Lord, I’ll be right there but I just need to go back and tell my husband what to eat or else he will die

Of you will say, just a second Jesus if my wife is going to burn the house down if I am not on her for changing out the filters and taking the lint out of the drier…I will come to heaven but first let me take care of my wife

Being quarrelsome and nagging is ultimately cutting God out of your life and enforcing your own will on others. It is a deeply rooted prideful fear that without you everything will fall apart

just as much as prayer is a discipline and it forms you, Nagging is a discipline that forms you as well but in a much worse way, to become your own God in your household, exercising your own dominion and power over people

Then the best thing for you is probably a discipline of fasting

Not getting your own way all the time…Not having your desires met…If thats you, then do whatever your spouse wants to do for a week and dont complain really this is something that the Holy Spirit needs to break in you

So what does it look like to be humble with one another?

Its really simple: In a fight: Focus on your spouses needs more than your own

1. Listen before you speak

2. Ask clarifying questions. What would have been the right way for me to handle this?

3. be willing to learn

4. Acknowledge how your spouse feels

Practice Surrender with the Lord, resist the devil

James 4:7 NIV

Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.

What is James reminding us of here?

There is a spiritual battle happening in communities

All the New Testament Authors warn us against the influence of Satan. In Galatians 5 there is the famous fruit of the spirt passage but in that there is also a little list talking about the work of the flesh…Which is the influence of the evil one

Seven of those listed items talk about some sort of division

The Devil wants to divide

Your marriage ultimately is about putting the gospel on display…It is a target for the evil one…>When you practice surrendering to Jesus in everything then you are actually resisting the devil

All though this series I have been talking about the importance of a personal relationship with jesus in your marriage

a fight in your marriage in the church or anywhere among christians is the devil’s foot in the door!

Fighting is really about fellowship

Are you submitted to Jesus…

In this whole text he asks the question, who will you have fellowship with the Lord or the world

This by the way is why I think Paul says this in 2 corinthians 6…

2 Corinthians 6:14 NIV

Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?

Paul warns about having relationships with non christians

whether they are marriages or business partnerships. He says be careful what you tie yourself and who you tie yourself to. Your spouse can be the greatest spiritual protection ever for you!

Because ultimately two people surrendered to the Lord are unstoppable…They are a strong fortress!

Bear with one another and practice forgiveness

Now James 4 certainly applies here but I cant end this sermon without Colossians 3…

Colossians 3:13–17 NIV

Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

If you stick through a fight till the end then you are going to ned to forgive one another

In fact you should be planning your fights with forgiveness in view…this is how you fight for your marriage.

The greek word that Paul uses here for forgiveness means to show favor

Now in some cases there are deep wounds, and deep wounds take time to heal….Deep wounds usually leave reminders…Scar tissue. You just need to know that sometimes forgiveness is fast and easy and sometimes it takes a lot of time.

But when its time….You need to give your forgiveness

In ancient Greece, when someone owed a debt, they could write an 'Acquitance Document' and present it as a gift of favor to the creditor during a public gathering. Paul’s use of the Greek word for forgiveness emphasizes this concept of favor. When we grant forgiveness, it's like canceling that debt publicly; it sets the sinner free and restores the relationship. God calls us to do the same!

There has to be a turning point in every fight…A point where you make the decision that I am going to forgive, I am going to set them free form their burden

Ultimately it is what Jesus did for us!

Sometimes when forgiveness takes a long time it can actually be a beautiful journey deeper into intimacy with your spouse

you can discover when and why something hurt so bad and learn a lot about each other in the process

I love how this text ends…Whatever you do in word or deed, do it all in the name of Jesus

Believe it or not you can fight with Jesus at the center of your relationship

You can sit down and say ok, we disagree right now…or I am mad at you…Let’s pray and ask the Lord to show us the way.

I was really lucky to have a great marriage modeled for me growing up…I know not everyone has that. And my dad has always said, if you want to have a great marriage then the key is good communication…

See if you have bad communication and you never fight then you will go deep

But if you keep communication at the forefront of your marriage…

You will have better fights and you wont ever be fighting against each other, but you will be fighting for your marriage

Believe it or not I think that God has a deeper level of intimacy for you

The scriptures remind us that your marriage has a huge reality, one that is bigger than you can imagine. You put the gospel on display

Song

Communion