Making the Heart Connection a Priority

At the very beginning of this chapter Bettis tells this story of a young man of a well known pastor that he had ran across at a airport. He tells the story of this young man telling him of a rebellious time he had gone through as a kid.

Bettis asked the kid, what did you parents do in this time of rebellion?

“My dad would take me out to breakfast and engage me in conversation.”

“He was quite patient with me in that time”

DAD:… “So what do you like most about Rodman?”

“It really told me that he wanted to get to know me. And honestly, that was part of the road back between us.”

Strategic Effort to draw close to his heart by the father.

DISCIPLE MAKING PARENTS CONNECT WITH THEIR CHILDREN’S HEARTS.

FIGHTING FOR HEART CONNECTION.

According to the bible, the heart is the centre not only of spiritual activity, but if all the operations of human life.

“Heart and “souls are often used interchangeably, but not always the case.

So when we are talking about heart, we are talking about this inner man: Their will, their true self, their thoughts, desires, their intellect, their very soul.

D.A. Carson said that “The heart is not only the center of personality, [it is] the seat of will and understanding.

Solomon knew that to teach his son he first needed his heart.

15 times in the opening chapters he appeals to his son’s heart.

Proverbs 23:26 ESV

26 My son, give me your heart, and let your eyes observe my ways.

First off, Solomon here is speaking about lust within his sons life, but nonetheless, He understands that without him connecting to the heart of his child, that sin will just take root in his heart and go from there.

This is where sin tries to sink it’s teeth into, is in the heart of our children… our goal is to try to get there before our children begin to allow these seeds of sin to sprout even more.

If you have the heart of your child you have all of them.

If you’re disconnected from their hearts, nothing will be caught on their end of things. Nothing will be understood because of the lack of this connection.

We must ask the question: “Do I have my children’s hearts, and do they have mine?”

Sin Disconnects The Heart

The reason why Solomon was making a plea to his son for his heart, is because he knew and understood that the sin that was lurking at the door step of a lustful heart is what would disconnect his heart from a willingness to watch his father’s model.

This sin would disconnect either the parents, or the children from this relationship.

We see this is family dynamics all over. Ever day we are exposed to this.

Speak to any foster care worker or CPS worker and you’ll understand quickly that the affection and intimacy so often is snuffed out by sin.

Alienation,

bitterness,

hatred,

selfishness…

all affect family dynamics in the world.

Even in “normal” families. You see happening.

Tedd Tripp says, “ By age 10-12 scores of children have already left home. I am not referring to “Times Square kids” in New York City or your community. I refer to score of children who, by age 10-12, have effectively left Mom & Dad as an authority or reference for their lives.

This very closely resembles my story. As a kid, the authority of my parents, the desire to want to really know them, be by them and follow them had left fairly early and had to be restored by Jesus.

HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN?

SIN is what cause this division.

Bettis in the book refers to Malachi 4:5-6

Malachi 4:5–6 ESV

5 “Behold, I will send you Elijah the prophet before the great and awesome day of the Lord comes. 6 And he will turn the hearts of fathers to their children and the hearts of children to their fathers, lest I come and strike the land with a decree of utter destruction.”

We know this forerunner cannot ultimately be John the Baptist because this day ends with fathers turning their hearts to children and children turning their hearts to fathers. If this prophecy was completely fulfilled in John, we might ask why Jesus was still rejected by the Jews. So what is He talking about here? Although Jesus said in Matthew 11 that John the Baptist is the forerunner, something happens in Matthew 17 to prove that yet another Elijah will fulfill Malachi’s prophecy. In Matthew 17 Jesus leads the disciples up to the Mount of Transfiguration, where both Elijah and Moses appear, talking with the Lord. Peter, of course, wants to set up rooms at the Motel 6 for all three of them, but a voice from heaven rebukes his misunderstanding.

As Jesus’ face shines like the sun, the disciples are awestruck, understanding Jesus true identity. The disciples cite this verse in Malachi, to which Jesus replies,

“Elijah is coming and will restore everything,” He replied. “But I tell you: Elijah has already come, and they didn’t recognize him. On the contrary, they did whatever they pleased to him.” (Matt 11:11–12)

The key for our purposes is the future tense “will restore.” At the time Jesus is speaking, John the Baptist is already dead. So we know that he cannot be the Elijah of Malachi 4:5. In addition, John the Baptist cannot be this Elijah because this Elijah is going to reestablish all things. John the Baptist was hindered from doing this because of the wickedness of the people’s hearts. Thus, Jesus is stating that He is the Elijah-like figure, initiating His kingdom at His resurrection and completing it at His second coming when He will turn the hearts of fathers to their children and the hearts of children to their fathers—a time of great repentance.

This would have to happen because of the very reality of sin tearing families apart from their heart connection.

Fathers and Mothers will live selfishly,

Children will turn their hearts away from their parents because of the pleasures and pressures of the world.

Thanks be to God for the power of Salvation and for Jesus completely fulfilling this Elijah figure that will come to fully restore relationships!

Heart Work or Behavior Modification

In this vein of discussion, Bettis brings up this reality parents focussing too much on behavior modification rather than focussing on the heart.

And this is hard… this is hard as a parent to be able to tell where the line is.

You would be right in bringing up the fact that we just a few weeks ago spoke about discipline. Making sure we don’t withhold discipline within our homes.

If there times in which we do need to fix behavioral issues with our children? Most definitely.

But again, within this discipline home, are we disciplining with the heart in mind?

Or are we discipling our children with our own selfish motives in mind?

Are we disciplining with the Gospel in mind, or are we just trying to change their behavior so that for the sake of changing behavior?

Parents who don’t focus on the heart tend to be the ones surprised by a young adult who rejects the faith. Faith rejection is not a one time decision but a process.

How Do We Keep Hearts Connect?

Let’s look back at our hero dad we spoke about to begin and see what he specifically did…

He focused on the heart.

He was aware of the distance in relationship with his son. (I noticed this with McKinlee recently)

He fought for the heart connection by taking him out to breakfast. Making him priority. Moved toward him emotionally with these breakfast dates.

2. He expressed love and affection in a way that his son felt.

Spent time with him

Expressed love to his wayward son.

3. He communicated well with his son.

Communicated affection to him by talking with his son about something his son cared about and listened intently. Even when he wanted to correct him (About Rodman)

We are BAD Communicators

Now, something I will concede in finding out about myself as a Father at times has been the reality that I’m not the best communicator.

Bettis brings this up in the reality that many Christians are bad communicators and aren’t even aware of it.

We talk too soon, or over-talk.

Interrupt

nitpick

blurt out whatever comes to mind

we’re easily angered

use explosive words

SIN INFILTRATES ALL OF OUR COMMUNICATION.

I HAVE SEEN MY WEAKNESS IN MY COMMUNICATION in being over critical.

I am really bad about criticizing everything that I do. Honestly it is how I grew up. It was a very law driven household and I have seen myself lean this way in my communication with my daughters.

I have to make sure I over emphasize praise to my girls when they go and play a sport, get a report card or perform at whatever because of the fact that I know I can be over critical.

I HAVE HAD TO PULL THE LOG OUT OF MY OWN EYE FIRST.

On the other end of the spectrum you have parents who are the uncommunicative type.

Bettis likens this to the husband who tells his wife, I TOLD YOU I LOVE YOU WHEN WE GOT MARRIED. I MARRIED YOU DIDN’T I? THAT SHOULD BE ENOUGH.

Parents can tend to be bad communicators.

The Power of Words

There is this reality again of parenting being the way in which God has called you to be sanctified.

One of the main ways anyways if God has called you to be a parent!

One of the sanctifying areas is in that of WORDS.

If we are brothers and sisters in Christ… God has called us through parenting to bring our words EVEN MORE UNDER HIS AUTHORITY.

Proverbs 12:18 ESV

18 There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.

Proverbs 18:21 ESV

21 Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.

Your words can pierce those you love, or they can bring healing. How you speak brings life to your family or tears it down.

WORDS MATTER

They can give grace

Ephesians 4:29 (ESV)

29 Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

Paul says we need WELL-CHOSEN talk.

Encouraging words that gives grace to the hearers.

Jesus said that we would have to give an account for each words spoken

Matthew 12:36–37 ESV

36 I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak, 37 for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.”

It was the very WORDS of Jesus in which brought eternal life.

John 6:63 ESV

63 It is the Spirit who gives life; the flesh is no help at all. The words that I have spoken to you are spirit and life.

The reality is that the enemy will come after your tongue.

Which is why God seeks to sanctify it through our parenting.

Discerning Different Seasons

Good communication changes over time, and this takes discernment.

The parent of a four year old and the parent of a fourteen year will listen to the next few lessons very differently.

As our children grow older, our communication must shift.

We must be better listeners to our teenagers than we are our toddlers.

Rather than just being commands, discipline all the time, Questions better become more skilled.

Young children need to be trained in self control, they need much instruction.

Teenagers need to be trained in heart poster and discernment. Which means there is more and more need to be connecting with their heart as they grow older.

Less talking at and more talking with.

Depth of Communication

Wise parents take into account the child’s age and capacity.

FIGURE THREE: (DRAW IT)

Training with action dominates young children (Will train with many actions rather than probing the depth of the heart, there is more instruction and more commands.)

Training with words increases as the young people are older. (training grows less and the communication becomes more skillful.)

Conclusion

Going back to our hero, he won the heart back to his son, he led his son to repentance of his sin in his life because of the fact that he connected with his heart.

He showed attention

affection

communication

all of which paved the way to a better relationship.

WITH THIS UNDERSTANDING… WE WILL DIVE INTO THE NEXT TWO LESSONS ABOUT COMMUNICATION.

Disciple-making parents connect with their children’s hearts.

>>>Next Few Weeks: Keeping Your Hearts connected by skillful communication Part’s 1 & 2.

DISCIPLE MAKING-PARENT

For Thought, Discussion, and Action

How does the Bible speak to the heart? How does sin disconnect the heart?

The author says, “We are poor commincators and are not even aware of it… We over talk, interrupt, nitpick, blurt out whatever comes to mind, are easily angered, and use explosive words. Sin infiltrates all of our communication.” Do you agree or disagree?

Do you tend to focus on behavior management without knowing the heart? What could you do to focus more on the heart?

What did you take away from the section on the power of words and discerning seasons? How does the diagram help understand different seasons?