Forgiveness

Forgiving yourself, others, & God

Today, we explore the powerful and complex theme of forgiveness—a journey that can bring healing, peace, and liberation to our souls. Forgiveness is not a simple act but an ongoing, transformative process. It is, as Ephesians tells us, a way to live in the kindness and compassion of God, reflecting the heart of Christ who forgives us, urging us to extend this forgiveness to others and, just as importantly, to ourselves.

“Put aside all bitterness, losing your temper, anger, shouting, and slander, along with every other evil. Be kind, compassionate, and forgiving to each other, in the same way, God forgave you in Christ” (Ephesians 4:31-32).

Ephesians 4:31–32 CEB

Put aside all bitterness, losing your temper, anger, shouting, and slander, along with every other evil. Be kind, compassionate, and forgiving to each other, in the same way God forgave you in Christ.

Forgiveness takes courage, compassion, and often a shift in how we view ourselves, others, and even God. Let’s dive into the dimensions of forgiveness, focusing on three essential aspects: forgiveness of self, forgiveness of others, and divine forgiveness.

Giving and Receiving Forgiveness of Self

Forgiveness must begin with ourselves. Often, we hold ourselves to impossible standards, unable to forgive mistakes or wrong choices we’ve made. Forgiving ourselves isn’t about excusing our errors but releasing ourselves from guilt and shame that can hold us back from healing and growth.

As the Apostle Paul advises in Ephesians, kindness and compassion should also be directed inward. In Open and Relational Theology, we see this as an interdependent journey with God: we are never alone in seeking forgiveness. Forgiving ourselves is necessary for mental and emotional health, creating space for grace to work in our hearts and minds.

Forgiveness as Progressive Healing

Forgiving yourself is essential for ongoing growth. Psalm 103:12 reminds us that God removes our sin “as far as the east is from the west.” Embracing this can be freeing; we are invited to forgive ourselves just as God forgives. We release ourselves from the cycle of self-blame and instead take on a new perspective—one that allows for learning, transformation, and self-compassion.

Psalm 103:12 CEB

As far as east is from west— that’s how far God has removed our sin from us.

Shifting Our Understanding of God’s Character

Divine forgiveness can often start with forgiving ourselves for misunderstandings about God. In Open and Relational Theology, we understand that God does not control every aspect of life or force us into actions. God’s character is always good, compassionate, and life-giving, encouraging us to rethink our past misconceptions of a punitive God. We can embrace God as a relentless source of love, even when life’s circumstances may seem harsh. Forgiving ourselves begins a journey toward healing, helping us experience God’s love deeply and reminding us that we are worthy of forgiveness, compassion, and growth.

Giving and Receiving Forgiveness of Others

Forgiveness toward others can be challenging, especially when we have been wronged deeply. But as Jesus taught in Matthew 6:14-15, forgiving others opens our hearts to receive God’s forgiveness. Receiving an Apology and True Repentance: Sometimes, we may get an apology from someone, but it doesn’t feel sincere, or perhaps it lacks the actions to make amends.

Matthew 6:14–15 CEB

“If you forgive others their sins, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you don’t forgive others, neither will your Father forgive your sins.

Rabbi David J. Blumenthal writes, “If the offender has done teshuvah, and is sincere in his or her repentance, the offended person should offer mechilah; that is, the offended person should forgo the debt of the offender, relinquish his or her claim against the offender. This is not a reconciliation of heart or an embracing of the offender; it is simply reaching the conclusion that the offender no longer owes me anything for whatever it was that he or she did. Mechilah is like a pardon granted to a criminal by the modern state. The crime remains; only the debt is forgiven.

The tradition, however, is quite clear that the offended person is not obliged to offer mechilah if the offender is not sincere in his or her repentance and has not taken concrete steps to correct the wrong done...

The principle that mechilah ought to be granted only if deserved is the great Jewish "No" to easy forgiveness. It is core to the Jewish view of forgiveness, just as desisting from sin is core to the Jewish view of repentance. Without good grounds, the offended person should not forgo the indebtedness of the sinner; otherwise, the sinner may never truly repent and evil will be perpetuated. And, conversely, if there are good grounds to waive the debt or relinquish the claim, the offended person is morally bound to do so. This is the great Jewish "Yes" to the possibility of repentance for every sinner.”

True forgiveness is not about condoning harm but about creating room for change. Forgiveness does not erase accountability—it involves a reorientation of values, a change of heart from the one who has caused harm. Forgiveness can be offered while still holding space for restitution and repenting, allowing us to let go of bitterness while affirming justice.

Forgiveness as Relational Healing

In Colossians 3:13, we’re called to bear with one another and forgive as the Lord forgave us. Our theology holds that God encourages forgiveness not as a final act but as a path to relational healing. Even if forgiveness doesn’t result in reconciliation, it can liberate us from the burden of resentment. For some people forgiveness is all about what they can and can’t control and sometimes uses forgiveness as an act of control over another person.

Colossians 3:13 CEB

Be tolerant with each other and, if someone has a complaint against anyone, forgive each other. As the Lord forgave you, so also forgive each other.

In my graduate program in clinical counseling, there was a significant emphasis on the concept of locus of control.

“When we say that a personality characteristic, such as locus of control, is a variable, we are not talking about types of people but types of behavior.” Julian Rotter

The concept of locus of control was developed by Julian Rotter to explore a person’s perception of how much control they have over their life (thoughts, actions, etc.) and the forces that the person thought were a controlling agent. His idea stated a person’s personality is effected by their own perspective of internal and external locus of control. As you can imagine, the external locus of control would be forces outside of the person’s body and internal locus of control is forces within a person’s body. A person’s personality reflects what they perceive is helping or hindering them to act or respond to any given situation in their life. If a person believes that God, karma, or some other supernatural force is in full control of everything that happens in their life, then that person will think they have little to no control over their life and may live in a way that eliminates all accountability and responsibility for their actions. If a person believes that most, if not all, of their actions is their own choice, then they have a strong internal locus of control and will have a greater emphasis on making a free choice to effect themselves and others around them.

For those of us in the Wesleyan understanding of do good, do no harm, and attending to all the ordinances of God, we believe our own actions come from within each of us. We also believe that God has a great influential force upon us to motivate our self towards the direction of love, mercy, repentance, and receiving the peace of Christ, as Colossians 3.15 reads, to control our hearts into which we were called as a unified body of Christ. Forgiveness here becomes a choice to release control over the actions of others, trusting that God’s spirit can work healing in ways we may not see immediately.

Colossians 3:15 CEB

The peace of Christ must control your hearts—a peace into which you were called in one body. And be thankful people.

Holding Boundaries with Love

Forgiveness can also mean establishing healthy boundaries. As Romans 12:18 reads, “As far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” Forgiveness doesn’t mean we must always reconnect with those who hurt us, but it invites us to free ourselves from the grip of anger. By doing so, we allow God’s love to flow through us, guiding us to release bitterness and make space for peace.

Romans 12:18 CEB

If possible, to the best of your ability, live at peace with all people.

There have been a number of moments within my pastoral career that have been very hurtful. If I would have chosen to hang on to these movements and think about them on a consistent basis, I would have effectively give my power over to the event or to the person(s) who took part in their constructed chaos. Thankfully, I have developed a very thick skin and can easily brush off stupidity from affecting my relational engagement with people. I choose to keep my mental health as healthy as possible and refuse to give my power over to inept, insecure, and immature people. I hold my boundaries very strong to not only protect myself but also protect my family. I do so as lovingly as possible even when it requires to turn over the table to demonstrate a new way has arrived and your pseudo-power has no sacred place with me.

Giving and Receiving Divine Forgiveness

The forgiveness we offer to our self and others should also mimic the forgiveness we receive from God for it invites us into a new understanding of who God is and how deeply God loves us. Divine forgiveness is an invitation to transformation, not a demand for perfection. Unlike punitive forgiveness, God’s forgiveness is motivated by love, compassion, and grace.

Divine forgiveness ultimately frightens and even angers us because it demonstrates that grudges and resentment is always a loosing proposition. Forgiveness is not a weak position to hold when other people do and things against you, forgiveness releases burdens and awakens us to see how compassionate and merciful God is and we can be. In Matthew 18.21-22, Peter said to Jesus, “Lord, how many times should I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Should I forgive as many as seven times?” Jesus said, “Not just seven times, but rather as many as seventy-seven times.”

Matthew 18:21–22 CEB

Then Peter said to Jesus, “Lord, how many times should I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Should I forgive as many as seven times?” Jesus said, “Not just seven times, but rather as many as seventy-seven times.

I think Peter would quote Stephanie Tanner from the 80’s and 90’s tv show Full House and say, “How Rude” to Jesus. Jesus inferred that human forgiveness can hold power over another person but divine forgiveness, which we are to imitate, provides mercy to self and others.

Re-imagining God’s Role in Our Lives

Often, we may find ourselves angry at God for things we feel are unjust. Open and Relational Theology teaches us that God is not a distant force controlling every aspect of life but a compassionate Creator working to inspire and encourage goodness, even within a world of free choices and human error. Divine forgiveness invites us to trust in a God who does not force us but instead patiently works with us toward what is good.

Giving and receiving forgiveness, in the right time, will provide a sense of peace in the middle of a chaotic situation. Divine forgiveness can calm the traumatic storm of negative consequences no matter how long the event occurred in the past. We may not fully understand in the moment but God have never stopped offering reconciliation, peace, and a re-imagined life through the act of forgiveness.

Forgiveness as God’s Persistent Presence

One way healing can come for people who have been hurt more times than they can even remember, is to come to the place in their life that recognizes that God did not control the bad to come into their life, God positioned his presence to offer the ability to forgive the way God has forgiven us. The psalmist reminds us in Psalm 103:10-14 of God’s abundant mercy and compassion. Divine forgiveness is not transactional but an invitation to be in relationship with a God who sees us with complete understanding. God’s forgiveness, rooted in love, does not condemn but beckons us toward healing, growth, and a peace that surpasses understanding.

Psalm 103:10–14 CEB

He doesn’t deal with us according to our sin or repay us according to our wrongdoing, because as high as heaven is above the earth, that’s how large God’s faithful love is for those who honor him. As far as east is from west— that’s how far God has removed our sin from us. Like a parent feels compassion for their children— that’s how the Lord feels compassion for those who honor him. Because God knows how we’re made, God remembers we’re just dust.

Moving Forward with Hope

As we experience divine forgiveness, we’re invited to carry that hope forward in our lives. God’s forgiveness empowers us to transform our relationships, embrace compassion, and pursue justice, grounded in the knowledge that God is continually working for good. Divine forgiveness reminds us that, no matter our failures, we are not beyond God’s love.

Forgiveness is a journey that begins with God’s heart, a heart full of compassion and kindness that we are called to mirror in our own lives. As we forgive ourselves, others, and receive God’s forgiveness, we open ourselves to a healing power that transcends bitterness and resentment. We release ourselves from the grip of past wounds and move forward with the grace that God freely offers.

Our call to forgive is not a burden but a gift. Forgiveness is not a mandate it is an eventual possibility, in the right time and never sooner than your are ready to offer. It frees us to love more deeply, to live more compassionately, and to be at peace with ourselves, others, and God. Let us walk this journey of forgiveness together, letting go of anger, embracing compassion, and allowing God’s love to transform our lives.

May we carry the words of the hymn we sang today, “Forgive Our Sins as We Forgive”, in our hearts: “Lord, cleanse the depths within our souls and bid resentment cease; then, bound to all in bonds of love, our lives will spread Your peace.”

Amen.