Christ Above Family Roles: Colossians 3:18-21
Colossians: Christ Above All • Sermon • Submitted • Presented
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Well, good morning to everyone.
If this is your first time joining us, then you should know that we value God’s Word above all and so we usually work our way through a book of the Bible at a time so we can see the context and actually understand the intended meaning of the biblical authors instead of just reading our opinions into it. Currently, the book we are working on is the letter of Colossians and we are close to finishing the third chapter.
I am not some glutton for punishment, or someone who looks for conflict, especially not on a morning that we have so many visitors, but Colossians 3:18-21 really is the passage that was next for this morning.
Which is another reason for working through books of the Bible verse-by-verse. It doesn’t let me avoid teaching the stuff that could get me in trouble, like talking about the roles between men and women.
And I’ve gotta be honest, when I was looking through the sections of Colossians and I realized that this passage was coming on this week, I sighed and just said “Okay, Holy Spirit, your plans are better than mine.”
Because is there really are very few things that are more contentious than talking about sex and gender. Even with those who call themselves Christian or conservative the lack of clarity on the family, sex, and gender is growing.
For those who are convinced by the biblical position on sex and gender, start telling them how they should be leading their family and they start putting on the boxing gloves to fight you. “I’ll run my family how I think is right. Who are you to judge me or my family?”
For every positive example of masculinity or femininity there are dozens of negative examples. For many, the wording of this passage seems barbaric and backwards. But this is for a couple of reasons:
First, we haven’t taken the time to understand the context of the statement. We look at this as people with chronological blinders on. This was written to a specific culture in a specific time.
Paul was not writing to us today so it would be foolish to read it like he was. If I wrote a letter that said something along the lines of, “My dearest, my sweet, I can’t wait to be with you again. I reject all other women except you.”
How many people could that be written to? One!
What would happen if you read it like I had written it to you, or someone else I did not write it to?
In the same way, the books of the Bible were written to specific people in specific places!
Now, don’t hear that and think that we have no business reading them! They are the Word of God and as such are vital for instruction, rebuke, and growth in Christian life!
But if we read them as if they are just letters written to us, we will often miss the entire point of the writing. Where a love letter to someone I was not married to would prove my disqualification as a pastor, a love letter to my wife can show I am living up to the biblical qualifications of elders!
Our job then, is to understand who Paul was writing to and why so we can learn as close as we can, what he was talking about when he wrote something like this passage.
In the Greek and Roman world, philosophers and ethical thinkers devoted a great deal of time and effort to considering what constituted “the good life”.
At one end of the spectrum, they might advise a young man setting out on adult life; they would suggest the kind of values and ambitions needed to leave a great legacy of public service or literary achievement.
At the other, they advocated political systems that offered the greatest potential for civic health and security.
Somewhere along the line, they would consider what would make for a good home in what are called “household codes”.
A household back then was not what most of us in the West identify as such.
Today, it might be made up of a couple, living temporarily with an average of 2.4 children. At some point, though, the children leave and the household reverts to just one generation.
In the ancient world, as in many parts of today’s world, three or even four generations would share a home, as well as various servants. And that pattern was not just for the rich. The Roman empire relied on slavery in the way that we depend on fossil fuels and transportation systems. Life without slaves was inconceivable.
Paul was clearly aware of these pagan household codes, because he repeatedly uses the formula that they were written in.
But for those who were familiar with these codes, as the Colossian believers certainly would be, they would be shocked to see how Paul turns these familiar codes upside down and shows how life in Christ brings a new reality.
Not only men, but women, children, and slaves were coming to faith in Christ and as such they had a new factor in their family roles. Things has to change.
When Christ is above even our expectations for family roles, we will find that conventional wisdom on family gets flipped on its head and the result is a renewed family life.
Now, this passage really could begin in Col 3:17 and should really extend through 4:1. The structure of this passage is three couplets showing three sets of relationships and each of these relationships is hinged on something vital.
We see the relationship between wives and husbands, hinging on pleasing the Lord
Then we see children and fathers, hinging again on pleasing the Lord
and then finally bondservants and masters, hinging once more on being pleasing to God.
I figured it would be helpful to break these things up because of our own reality, by focusing on the family this week and then on our work next week.
So immediately before this passage we read this important instruction from Paul in verse 17.
17 And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.
Whatever you do, even how you interact with your family, do it in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks.
Paul begins by addressing wives.
He says
18 Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.
I. Wives: Submit to Your Husbands (v. 18)
I. Wives: Submit to Your Husbands (v. 18)
Under Roman law, if you were a woman or a slave, you were effectively a thing to be owned.
Even free boys still lived under the absolute authority of the head of the home.
Any personal views or feelings that a “possession” might have were didn’t matter to the law and were often ignored in the home.
But people are not things. All remain created in God’s image (regardless of their social or legal status), and so wives, children and slaves are bound to have opinions and responsibility—which is precisely Paul’s point in these verses.
That is why he insists on directly addressing each group in turn. In cities around the Roman world, women (v 18) and slaves (v 22–24), and their children (v 20), were being converted. God was at work among them.
Not only that: God was using women and slaves, and no doubt also children, to further his kingdom.
So just as Jesus did before him, Paul shows them the respect due to those with minds and wills of their own.
This was revolutionary.
No one had ever done that before. All the earlier household codes were intentionally and exclusively addressed to the male head of the house alone.
Another shock is that Paul addresses each of these less powerful groups, women children and slaves, first.
I don’t think we realize how much our culture affects our vision. We wear glasses that are colored by the years we have lived, the regions we have experienced, and the people we have met. This is why every generation struggles to understand the next generation. We are, in a very real sense, seeing things differently.
Modern American culture often presents ideals of femininity that contrast with biblical principles, shaping beliefs about identity, purpose, and relationships that can be at odds with the Bible’s vision for women. Here are some key ways in which cultural pressures differ from biblical femininity:
1. Self-Sufficiency Over Dependence on God
1. Self-Sufficiency Over Dependence on God
Cultural Message: American culture frequently encourages women to embrace self-sufficiency and independence, promoting the idea that success and worth are tied to personal achievements, career advancement, and self-determined identity.
Biblical Perspective: The Bible values dependence on God and emphasizes that true worth and identity are found in Christ, not in personal accomplishments (Proverbs 31:30, Philippians 4:13). Biblical femininity includes reliance on God’s strength and His design, rather than striving for a self-made identity.
2. Devaluation of Family and Motherhood
2. Devaluation of Family and Motherhood
Cultural Message: American culture often suggests that a woman’s value is found primarily outside the home, sometimes portraying motherhood, homemaking, or family-centered roles as secondary or unfulfilling. There is an emphasis on career and individualism as primary pathways to fulfillment.
Biblical Perspective: Scripture honors the role of family, viewing motherhood and nurturing relationships as vital to God’s design (Titus 2:3-5, Proverbs 31:10-31). Biblical femininity values these roles and sees them as meaningful callings that contribute to God’s purposes. While the Bible also honors women’s gifts in various spheres, it places significant value on the family.
3. Redefining Submission and Authority
3. Redefining Submission and Authority
Cultural Message: Submission is often viewed negatively, equated with weakness, inferiority, or oppression. The cultural emphasis on absolute autonomy can lead to a rejection of any form of authority or structure within relationships, including marriage.
Biblical Perspective: The Bible teaches that submission is not about inferiority but reflects Christ’s humility and sacrificial love (Ephesians 5:22-24, 1 Peter 3:1-6). Biblical femininity encourages honoring God’s design for marriage, which includes mutual love, respect, and honoring roles within marriage as a picture of Christ and the church.
Submission is seen as a strength in humility, grounded in love and trust in God.
Ephesians 5 calls everyone to a mutual submission which is one reason why we practice church membership. It is a submission to one another so that we can instruct one another and grow in Christlikeness.
We also are called as the church to submit to him as his Bride.
If you consider submission to be inherently oppressive, have we been oppressed by Jesus? For that manner, what about the submission of Jesus to his Father? Was Jesus oppressed? Philippians 2 calls Christians to:
5 Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, 6 who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, 7 but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. 8 And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.
Submission to good authority is a good thing. It is a joy filled thing. We will get to the husband’s role in this in just a minute.
4. Focus on External Beauty and Success Over Inner Character
4. Focus on External Beauty and Success Over Inner Character
Cultural Message: American culture places immense pressure on women to meet certain standards of beauty and appearance, often equating physical attractiveness with worth and identity. Media, advertising, and social platforms continually elevate appearance over character.
Biblical Perspective: Scripture teaches that inner character, gentleness, kindness, and a heart devoted to God are of greater worth than outward beauty (1 Peter 3:3-4, Proverbs 31:30). Biblical femininity emphasizes cultivating Christ-like qualities and seeing beauty as reflecting God’s image rather than adhering to worldly standards.
5. Self-Serving Ambition Over Servant-Heartedness
5. Self-Serving Ambition Over Servant-Heartedness
Cultural Message: There’s a strong cultural focus on pursuing personal goals, self-promotion, and ambition without consideration for how these may impact others or reflect God's purpose. Ambition is often celebrated as a purely individual pursuit.
Biblical Perspective: The Bible calls women (and men) to a servant-hearted life, modeled after Christ, who served others sacrificially (Mark 10:43-45). Biblical femininity embraces humility and love, viewing success as serving God’s kingdom rather than personal advancement alone. Ambitions are directed toward honoring God and loving others, including family and community.
6. Relativism in Morality and Truth
6. Relativism in Morality and Truth
Cultural Message: Modern culture tends to promote a subjective approach to morality and truth, suggesting that individuals should define their own moral standards and pursue whatever makes them feel fulfilled.
Biblical Perspective: The Bible calls women to follow God’s objective truth and moral standards as revealed in Scripture (Psalm 119:105, 2 Timothy 3:16-17). Biblical femininity involves a commitment to God’s Word, valuing obedience, and seeking fulfillment through a relationship with Christ rather than personal preference or societal trends.
How we should respond:
How we should respond:
Text: “Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.”
Exposition: Paul begins by addressing wives, calling them to submit to their husbands in a manner that aligns with the will and character of Christ.
This submission is not about inferiority but reflects a loving, Christ-centered partnership that honors God’s design for marriage.
Reformed Emphasis: This command is rooted in the doctrine of creation and God’s established order within the family. It reflects the principle of submission found in Christ Himself, who submitted to the Father’s will.
Application: Wives are called to model their submission after the church’s relationship with Christ. This requires a heart transformed by grace, where submission is a response to love and devotion, not fear or coercion.
II. Husbands: Love your wives (v. 19)
II. Husbands: Love your wives (v. 19)
Text: “Husbands, love (Agapao) your wives, and do not be harsh (Bitter) with them.”
Now consider what Paul actually says to the man of the house (v 19, 21)— in most households, the husband, father and slave-owner were one and the same. A pagan ethicist would give all kinds of helpful tips for how such a man could get the best out of the household team. That might include treating his subordinates well enough so that they would do what he wanted. But the emphasis was consistent: it helped him keep order among them.
There’s not a bit of this with Paul. Not once—either here or in his other household codes—does Paul ever tell the men to make the women, children or slaves do anything. This is a fact overlooked by too many men who rule their homes like petty dictators, even justifying physical violence on the basis of these verses.
They want to force everyone else to bend to their will. Instead, Paul gives some profoundly challenging and even subversive instructions to the men.
Love
Be Gentle
Do not provoke
It is essential that all of Paul’s commands are taken in pairs so that we do not miss the actual meaning.
Husbands, fathers, don’t you dare demand submission in areas where you are not loving and leading your family to Christ.
You, your wife, and your kids have a Lord who is far greater than you and their submission and obedience to you is based in your submission and obedience to Christ.
As Paul says in 1 Cor 11:1
1 Corinthians 11:1 (ESV)
1 Follow me as I follow Christ.
If you are on a path to Hell, you have no right to demand your family follows you.
And this is evident in this passage.
The Lord over all
Though he is not spoken about exclusively as much, Jesus is the foundation of the whole section. Each household pairing is brought up short before God, and the instructions that Paul gives are all issued in the name of Christ:
■ Wives: “as is fitting in the Lord”
■ Children: “this pleases the Lord”
■ Slaves: “for the Lord … It is the Lord Christ you are serving”
■ Masters: “you have a Master in heaven”
How could any man finish reading this imagining that he is the lord of his little domestic empire? Christ alone holds ultimate authority over his home.
And our Modern American culture often promotes views of masculinity that can contrast sharply with what the bible says, calling men to embrace identities and behaviors that don’t align with godly manhood. Here are some key ways this cultural narrative often diverges from biblical masculinity:
1. Defining Masculinity by Power and Dominance
1. Defining Masculinity by Power and Dominance
Cultural Message: Modern culture often equates masculinity with dominance, power, and aggression, encouraging men to assert themselves in ways that prioritize self-interest over service.
Biblical Contrast: The Bible calls men to emulate Christ, who showed strength through humility and sacrificial love. Jesus teaches that true greatness is found in serving others (Mark 10:43-45). Biblical masculinity values leading by example, with strength that protects and serves, not oppresses.
2. Promoting Individualism (2) Over Responsibility
2. Promoting Individualism (2) Over Responsibility
Cultural Message: Individualism is celebrated, where men are encouraged to "look out for number one" and prioritize personal goals, independence, and self-reliance.Biblical Contrast: Scripture calls men to be responsible caretakers and faithful leaders within their families, churches, and communities. In Genesis, Adam is given the role of steward over creation, and throughout the Bible, men are called to bear responsibility with diligence and selflessness. True manhood is marked by faithfulness, integrity, and a commitment to community (1 Corinthians 16:13-14).
3. Redefining Gender Roles and Identity
3. Redefining Gender Roles and Identity
Cultural Message: Many aspects of modern culture encourage men to define masculinity however they please, leading to a fluid, subjective understanding of male identity.
Biblical Contrast: In the Bible, gender is part of God’s intentional design (Genesis 1:27). Masculinity is rooted in the character and roles outlined in Scripture, where men are called to love their families, standing for what is true and right, washing their families in the word of God, and servant leaders.
These roles do not confine men but guide them toward a purpose aligned with God’s plan, promoting both accountability and godliness.
4. Embracing Self-Gratification and Rejecting Self-Control
4. Embracing Self-Gratification and Rejecting Self-Control
Cultural Message: American culture often equates masculinity with indulgence, encouraging men to satisfy desires immediately, whether in material wealth, status, or physical pleasure.
Biblical Contrast: The Bible calls men to exercise self-control, a fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23). Scripture teaches that godly men are to flee from youthful passions (2 Timothy 2:22) and to treat others with respect and honor, especially in their relationships. Christian masculinity is marked by restraint and respect for others.
5. Dismissing Emotional Health and Vulnerability
5. Dismissing Emotional Health and Vulnerability
Cultural Message: There is often a stigma in American culture around men showing vulnerability, seeking help, or expressing emotions, as these are seen as signs of weakness.
Biblical Contrast: The Bible shows us that godly men express emotions openly, from David’s laments in the Psalms to Jesus weeping over Jerusalem. Men are encouraged to bear each other’s burdens (Galatians 6:2) and be vulnerable before God and trusted people. True biblical masculinity embraces emotional honesty and leans on Christ’s strength in moments of weakness.
6. Celebrating Aggression Over Peacemaking
6. Celebrating Aggression Over Peacemaking
Cultural Message: Many aspects of modern media portray aggression as a mark of masculinity, whether in how men handle conflict or assert themselves.
Biblical Contrast: Jesus teaches, “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God” (Matthew 5:9). Peacemaking is a central part of biblical masculinity, reflecting strength under control and a heart that seeks reconciliation. Christian men are called to pursue peace and reconciliation, showing patience, even under provocation.
7. Valuing External Success Over Character
7. Valuing External Success Over Character
Cultural Message: Men are often pressured to define success through career achievements, wealth, and status rather than character and virtue.
Biblical Contrast: The Bible teaches that a man’s worth is in his relationship with God and the integrity of his character, not in his earthly achievements (1 Samuel 16:7). Godly men are called to prioritize godliness, humility, and a heart devoted to God. Proverbs 22:1 reminds us that “a good name is to be chosen rather than great riches.”
Conclusion
Conclusion
While American culture often pushes men toward self-centered, individualistic ideals, biblical masculinity is about embodying Christ’s character through humility, love, and integrity. Christian men are called to reflect God’s character through their leadership, self-sacrifice, and service to others. In contrast to cultural messages, the Bible’s model for manhood centers on reliance on God, love for others, and the courage to live out the gospel in every aspect of life.
How we should respond:
How we should respond:
Exposition: Paul commands husbands not just to love their wives, but to do so in a way that reflects the sacrificial love of Christ for His church (cf. Ephesians 5:25). This love is to be tender, compassionate, and devoid of bitterness or harshness.
Reformed Emphasis: The husband's love exemplifies Christ’s headship over the church, marked not by dominance but by self-giving love. This points to the Reformed understanding of covenantal relationships within the family.
Application: Husbands are to see their role as one of servant-leadership. Genuine love means putting aside selfish ambitions, seeking the welfare of their wives, and reflecting Christ’s humility and patience.
III. Children: Obey Your Parents (v. 20)
III. Children: Obey Your Parents (v. 20)
20 Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.
Modern American culture often promotes values and beliefs about family that can conflict with the biblical vision for parenthood and the parent-child relationship. Here are some examples of these cultural beliefs and how they contrast with a biblical approach to parenting:
1. Individualism (3) Over Community and Authority
1. Individualism (3) Over Community and Authority
Cultural Message: American culture often promotes radical individualism, suggesting that each person—even children—should have complete autonomy over their choices, beliefs, and lifestyles. Authority figures, including parents, are sometimes seen as obstacles to personal freedom or self-expression.
Biblical Contrast: Scripture teaches that children are to honor and obey their parents (Ephesians 6:1-3) and that parents are responsible for lovingly guiding, instructing, and disciplining their children (Proverbs 22:6). Rather than promoting autonomy as the highest goal, the Bible emphasizes relational responsibility, obedience, and respect within the family. God designed family to be a community of nurture, guidance, and growth, where children learn to honor God through their relationships with their parents.
2. Relativism in Morality and Truth
2. Relativism in Morality and Truth
Cultural Message: Relativism is the idea that truth and morality are subjective and that each person should decide what is right or wrong for themselves. This belief encourages children to “find their own truth” and often presents parental guidance as restrictive or outdated.Biblical Contrast: The Bible teaches that God’s Word is the standard of truth and moral guidance (Psalm 119:105; 2 Timothy 3:16-17). Christian parents are called to train their children in God’s Word and to instruct them in His commandments (Deuteronomy 6:6-7). Raising children to recognize objective truth and moral standards is crucial in a world that often denies them. Biblical parenting acknowledges that God has given both parents and children a clear, timeless standard for life.
3. Instant Gratification Over Discipline and Patience
3. Instant Gratification Over Discipline and Patience
Cultural Message: In modern culture, instant gratification is encouraged and valued. Society often tells children and teens that they deserve immediate satisfaction in every area—be it in entertainment, technology, or even relationships.
Biblical Contrast: The Bible emphasizes the importance of patience, self-control, and discipline (Proverbs 13:24; Hebrews 12:11). Parents are instructed to help their children develop these virtues, even when it involves saying “no” or enforcing boundaries. Christian parents teach their children to wait on God and to prioritize long-term spiritual growth over short-term gratification. Discipline is framed not as punishment but as loving guidance for a child’s good (Hebrews 12:6).
4. Self-Esteem Over Humility and Dependence on God
4. Self-Esteem Over Humility and Dependence on God
Cultural Message: Modern culture frequently encourages parents to prioritize their children’s self-esteem, emphasizing self-worth and personal affirmation above all. While a healthy self-concept is important, this often leads to a worldview where self-promotion and pride are seen as virtues.
Biblical Contrast: Scripture teaches that true identity and worth come from being created in God’s image (Genesis 1:27) and from knowing Christ, not from self-exaltation. Parents are encouraged to teach their children humility and dependence on God, showing them that ultimate value and purpose are found in serving Him. Jesus modeled humility and dependence on the Father, and parents are called to guide their children in that same path (Philippians 2:3-5).
5. Materialism Over Spiritual Values
5. Materialism Over Spiritual Values
Cultural Message: American culture is deeply materialistic, often equating success with wealth, possessions, or social status. Children are frequently encouraged to pursue happiness through material gain and to measure success by external achievements.
Biblical Contrast: The Bible warns against the love of money and materialism (1 Timothy 6:10) and encourages believers to pursue spiritual growth, generosity, and godliness above all. Christian parents are called to teach their children the value of eternal treasures over earthly ones (Matthew 6:19-21). Raising children with a biblical view of wealth means teaching them contentment, gratitude, and stewardship, prioritizing their spiritual development over material achievements.
6. Minimizing Parental Responsibility in Spiritual Development
6. Minimizing Parental Responsibility in Spiritual Development
Cultural Message: Society often leaves spiritual development and moral education out of the conversation or delegates it to external institutions like schools, clubs, or even media. This can suggest that children should decide for themselves on spiritual matters or that parents don’t need to be directly involved.
Biblical Contrast: Scripture places the responsibility for children’s spiritual instruction primarily on parents. Deuteronomy 6:4-9 commands parents to actively teach their children about God, to impress His commands on their hearts, and to model faith in everyday life. Parents are to be the primary spiritual guides for their children, showing them how to love, worship, and obey God.
Conclusion: A Counter-Cultural Vision for Parenting
Conclusion: A Counter-Cultural Vision for Parenting
The Bible presents a vision for parenting that is counter-cultural in many ways. Rather than conforming to the values of autonomy, instant gratification, or materialism, Christian parents are called to raise their children in “the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4). This means teaching them to trust God’s Word, to value humility, to practice patience, and to seek God’s will above worldly success. By focusing on biblical principles, Christian parents can model a different way of life that draws their children closer to the Lord and shapes them into mature, godly individuals.
Exposition: The instruction to children is simple yet profound: obedience to parents is an act of worship and a response that honors God. This obedience is not blind or unthinking but grounded in a recognition of God’s ordained structure for the family.
Application: Parents are encouraged to raise their children with an understanding that obedience pleases the Lord. Children, in turn, are reminded that obeying their parents is part of living out their faith and devotion to God.
IV. Fathers (Parents): Don’t Provoke (v. 21)
IV. Fathers (Parents): Don’t Provoke (v. 21)
Text: “Fathers (pater - purely masculine), do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.”
Exposition: Paul gives a particular warning to fathers (often seen as representing both parents) not to provoke or exasperate their children. This means avoiding harsh, unreasonable, or inconsistent treatment that leads to frustration and discouragement.
Reformed Emphasis: This aligns with the biblical call to nurture and discipline children in the “instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4). Parents are called to reflect God’s compassionate and wise discipline.
Application: Parents should aim to create an environment where children feel valued, loved, and encouraged to grow in faith. Discipline should be balanced with grace, teaching children about God’s justice and mercy.
Conclusion:
Conclusion:
This passage calls believers to cultivate Christ-centered relationships in the family.
Wives submit out of devotion to Christ,
husbands love sacrificially as Christ loved the church,
children obey as a reflection of their faith,
and fathers (or parents) are careful not to provoke but to nurture.
This is a picture of a family that lives under the Lordship of Christ, embodying the transformative power of the gospel in daily life.
Each role, rooted in love and respect, points back to the central truth: that all we do, even within our closest relationships, is for the glory of God and reflects our new life in Christ.
Our Families are called to be living testimonies of God’s redemptive work, marked by grace, patience, and love.
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