Keeping Your Hearts Connected by Skillful Communication - Part 1

How we make decisions with our children can and will have BIG IMPLICATIONS down the line as our children get older.

We may or may not realize it, but our children are going to remember how we communicated with them

in crucial times of decision making.

They’re going to remember how we communicated with them in times of disagreement.

They’re going to remember how we communicated with them when they disobeyed us.

They’re going to remember how we communicated with them when they didn’t have the best of days.

They’re also going to remember how we communicated with them in the in the so so times and also in the really good times.

And so, we want to make sure that we are being parents who are seeking to keep our hearts connected with our children’s by SKILLFUL COMMUNICATION.

Melinda’s Story —>Belly Button Piercing

In this lesson today we’re going to see a few different points we hit.

Intentional Individual Conversation

Intentional Spontaneous Conversations

Listening Well.

Questioning Well

In all of this, Bettis says that there is a theme that we want to shoot for.

Time and time again, I hear a similar theme from young people walking with the Lord. They described their parents who were approachable and who would not react. They looked for the biblical principle in the situation and dug deeper for heart motivation.

DISCIPLE-MAKING PARENTS MAKE HEART COMMUNICATION A PRIORITY.

Intentional Individual and Spontaneous Conversations.

Intentional discipleship involves intentional conversations.

Something to think about is the amount of conversations you and your children will have from now until they leave the home.

27 conversations in a day.

Let’s just say 7 of those are in the home.

Starting from 5 years old. Going until 18 years old.

33,000 conversations!

In knowing that we have thousands of conversations, we must think about and understand that we need a good plan for each and every single one of them.

We need to be able to simplify our understanding of approaching each conversation.

We want them to be

intentional

prayerful

and skillful

NOT

haphazard

fleshly

or piercing

When you look at the conversations of Jesus. He helps us simplify this.

Jesus in the three years of His ministry must have had thousands of conversations with His disciples.

Many of his lessons came in the form of sermons, parables, and teachings. He taught different sized groups at different times across a variety of topics and venues. Formal teaching at appointed times was a normal part of Jesus's ministry.

In Matthew 5-7 he taught a large crowd on the side of a mountain in what is known as the Sermon on the Mount.

In Matthew 10 he commissioned his disciples for the work of ministry.

In Matthew 13:1-53, he sat down in a boat by the sea and taught a group of followers through parables.

In John 3:1-21 he had a small, intimate meeting to talk theology with one man named Nicodemus, a man of the Pharisees.

In Matthew 28:16, the disciples went to meet the resurrected Jesus at a place and time he had told them about. This is where he gave them the Great Commission.

According to Luke 22:39, it was customary for Jesus to go the Mount of Olives to pray with his disciples.

WE see that part of Jesus's routine was to go to a synagogue on the Sabbath, and sometimes he would even get up to teach from the word of God himself.

Not ONLY did He have the ones we have written down in our copy of God’s Word, but ALSO THINK ABOUT ALL OF THEM THAT WERE HAD JUST WALKING FROM PLACE TO PLACE OR IN THE NIGHT DURING THEIR CAMPS. (Would have loved to be a bug on the wall of a tent!)

We ALSO SEE evidence of Paul and those who traveled with him having had intentional time with the people from where they began churches.

In his letter to the Thessalonians he says,

1 Thessalonians 2:11–12 (ESV)

11 For you know how, like a father with his children, 12 we exhorted each one of you and encouraged you and charged you to walk in a manner worthy of God, who calls you into his own kingdom and glory.

THIS CAN BE LIFE CHANGING WHEN DONE WELL!

What types of conversation then should we look for as parents?

Intentional

Spontaneous

I look back at those who were very influential in my life. Both of these types of conversations were mixed in along the way.

Intentional Time - Breakfast

Our hero from the previous lesson who made time with his son to talk with him in his time of rebellion really had a great idea.

He took what HIS SCHEDULE AFFORDED HIM and figured out a good time for his to have this INTENTIONAL INDIVIDUAL TIME with his son.

FOR THEM - it was breakfast! And really, for many of us, I think breakfast could be a great idea. Although many of us might be able to think of even more unique times.

Bettis says that it was a small price to pay for connecting to his children’s hearts.

He says that this gave him a few things along the way…

It slowed him down.

Allowed him to focus on that individual

Allowed him to listen intently without distractions.

Allowed him to share what was on his heart.

A HUGE RETURN FOR THE MONEY INVESTED.

JOHNATHAN EDWARDS

One of the leaders of the Great Awakening in the 1730’s and 1740’s,

Pastor, and Theologian. Widely considered one of the greatest theologians in American History.

It seems as though he understood this taking time to communicate with his children intentionally.

One of his biographers Samuel Hopkins notes the attention and affection that he showed.

Entering freely into the feelings and concerns of his children and relaxing into cheerful and animate conversation accompanied frequently with sprightly remarks and sallies of wit and humor… then he went back to his study for more work before dinner.

We also see Edwards individually shepherding his children…

The Edwards made a point to single out individual children from the humming family hive, to get to know each one in turn by himself.

In this, his biographers note that he would rise before light and would often study into the night to converse with them and show this concern for having good heart connected conversations with his children.

This is such a shot at this understanding we have in our culture now of me needing my me time.

Needing my VEG time on Netflix just to get into my nothing box.

Needing my scroll time just to relax myself before bed.

NO. LET US MANEUVER OUR TIME TO WHERE WE CAN FOCUS ON OUR CHILDREN.

LET US LAY ASIDE OUR PLANS WHEN WE CAN. WORK INTO THE NIGHT IF YOU MUST. To leverage our time for the benefit of our children.

Even one of the most important theologians of his time had time to spend intentional time with his children. And he showed a willingness to slow down to have “breakfast times” with them.

THERE ARE OBVIOUSLY MANY OTHER INTENTIONAL TIMES THAT YOU CAN LEVERAGE.

DAILY TIMES can include

Family Meals: Pray and guide the meal time conversation toward the Gospel and Scripture. Add a reading/memorization to the meal.

Family Prayer: Morning, night. pray together as a family

Bedtime Routine: Bible Reading, Prayer, Take advantage of the barrage of questions that usually come flooding in.

Family Commute: Pray every time you’re in the car all together.

WEEKLY FAMILY IDEAS that can create conversation:

Weekly Movie Nights

Game Nights

Worship Services: Discuss the passage that is going to be preached. Read it the night before even. Pray on the way to church. Help the family be ready for the service.

MONTHLY IDEAS:

Service: Find somewhere you can serve together.

One-on-One time

Guys’ & Girls’ Night.

Let us figure out ways that will enable us to keep our hearts connected. God will give us a method that will fit for our family.

Spontaneous Conversation

Jesus also shows us spontaneous conversation.

A comment would reveal their hearts in a matter.

Another person would interact with Jesus which spurned a conversation.

Learning would happen as life presented itself.

LIKEWISE: crucial times will happen when our children open the door for a spontaneous, but divine moment.

A worrisome thought,

A hurtful interaction they had or a painful time had at school

A misunderstanding of mercy or grace given,

An interaction seen in public

The list could go on.

In these moments

Your child, an eternal soul, is opening his or her heart and entrusting you with their deepest thoughts.

Let’s take advantage of these times!

Let us begin to look for times like these. Let us have a strategy in this.

LET US BE APPROACHABLE,

LET US NOT BE REACTIONARY,

LET US LOOK FOR A BIBLICAL PRINCIPLE,

LET US SPEAK SKILLFULLY.

LISTENING WELL

So, in our communication we want to have

Intentional Individual Conversation

Intentional Spontaneous Conversation

But something else we want to make sure we keep in mind, is that sometimes the best form of communication can be that of LISTENING.

WE CAN TEND TO BE BAD LISTENERS.

BUT, the Bible speaks so much about listening.

James 1:19 ESV

19 Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger;

This is a theme that we see in Solomons writings in Proverbs.

Proverbs 18:13 ESV

13 If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.

Proverbs 18:2 ESV

2 A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.

Listening is something in the world of parenting that God has issued a decree for us as parents to understand even more.

LISTENING FOR THE SAKE OF UNDERSTANDING.

We can tend to be people who will “mind-read” and think that we already know what’s going to be said, we can have an argument thought up before they even have their sentence finished!

God’s Word calls this folly.

Tedd Tripp says,

The finest art of communication is not learning how to express your thoughts. It is learning how to draw out the thoughts of another. Your objective in communication must be to understand your child, not simply to have your child understand you. Many parents never learn these skills. They never discover how to help their children articulate their own thoughts and feelings.

We must do a self evaluation of how well we are listening. (Quick Test)

Do I listen when they want to talk?

Do I maintain good eye contact?

Am I giving them my focused attention?

DO I interrupt them?

ALL THESE THINGS we would get onto them for… are we doing these some things?

AS WE OURSELVES SEEK TO LISTEN WELL.

Just like everything else in this Christian life… we also want to be teaching them also to be good listeners.

Children are naturally SELF CENTERED CREATURES.

ARE WE TEACHING THEM what Godliness looks like in the way of listening?

Even in the midst of our sinful nature not wanting to listen to those that we should?

Talk with them and show them times when you as the parent may have had a hard time listening , for what reason and how you may have responded to that time of sin.

Questioning Well

As we are seeking to become better listeners.

Something that will help in our pursuit of listening is being able to spur on conversation by asking good questions.

Trying to understand the speaker better instead of being quick to jump in and give an immediate answer or opinion.

Proverbs 20:5 ESV

5 The purpose in a man’s heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out.

This tells us that there are different levels of communication

CLICHE: Surface level

INFORMATION: Where real communication begins.

OPINIONS: Begin to find out certain things

FEELINGS:

TRANSPARENCY:

WHAT ARE SOME GOOD QUESTIONS TO ENTER INTO THIS AREA OF DEEPER UNDERSTANDING?

We see throughout Jesus’ ministry use questions as a HUGE discipleship tool. How can we also do this well?

Questions to Open Up Communication

Open ended questions invite communications. They allow children to set the agenda.

What are some challenges you are facing?

What are you thinking about these days?

What’s the best thing that happened today? What was the worst? (Roses and Thorns)

Questions to Dig Deeper

Once our children have started a conversation, we continue to ask questions to understand more deeply.

What has influenced you to think this way?

Help me understand what you were thinking at the time.

Why do you think that? Can you explain that to me?

Questions to Clarify Communication

Sometimes miscommunication happens because we do not understand the other person. These questions can help…

This is what I have heard you say. Is that correct?

Have I understood you?

Are you more aware of my encouragement or my criticism?

Questions to Provoke Their Understanding

These help move the discipleship of our children to the next level.

What do you think Jesus thinks (and God’s Word says) about?

What verses speak to this situation?

Looking back, what do you think you should have done differently?

What will you do the next time this happens?

Do you have any observations for me?

Questions to Open Up Spiritual Conversations

How can I pray for you?

Where are you reading in the Word these days?

What has God been teaching you lately?

How did this Sunday’s sermon impact you?

Is there a specific sin you’re aware of that you need my help defeating?

In your own words, what is the gospel?

Questions to Ask to Restore the Relationship

This may help lower the wall that has been put up.

How do you think I have sinned against you? How do you think you sinned?

Questions to Prepare Them For an Event

Hypothetical events help them prepare their responses.

What would you do if…?

What would you say if someone asked you…?

Conclusion

33,000 possible conversations to be had with our children!

What an amazing opportunity!

I think many of us will come to the end of our time with our children in our house and will be able to look back on many of these conversations and see how it wasn’t really WHAT we decided on some issues that presented itself but more so the HOW we decided on the issues.

We will look back and see that HOW we communicated really made a difference.

DISCIPLE-MAKING PARENTS MAKE HEART CONNECTION A PRIORITY.

BY LISTENING WELL.

For Thought, Discussion, and Action

Good communication takes time. What are some of the problems that occur when we don’t time to communicate about important things to our children? Do you think this is a problem in our culture?

What is the difference between intentional communication and spontaneous communication? Why are each important?

As you look over the list of Questions, which ones seems like they would work in your family context? Are there other questions that we could share with each other that are also helpful?