F.U.N: Facing the facts of Reality over the wishes of Romance.

Todays message was an almost impossible challenge to me.

Anyone who knows me along with the dozens of you that i have personally married - You all know that i am a huge fan and advocate of marriage.

As a person who has great romantic and idealistic views of marriage seeing it for the beautiful picture of Christ and His Church that it is!

I learned a powerful personal lesson that just maybe we all have to learn:

Facts do not care about your feelings.

Todays message is stripped of feelings and presents the hard facts of marriage from a biblical perspective.

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Family is not a social construct. It is God’s design. God created the family.

He created it and designed it to work in a wonderful way.

Marriage can either be the most wonderful thing you can experience apart only from knowing Christ.

OR

Marriage can be the most wretched thing you can experience apart only from experiencing Hell.

Basically: Marriage has the potential to either make you the happiest you’ll ever be or to make you the most miserable you’ll ever be.

Given the risk of a 50+ years consequence why even take the risk of marriage at all?

Fact 1: God created us for Relationship.

When God created life and humanity, Adam was innocent, sinless and in perfect communion and fellowship with God - It was all good.

Yet even in the middle of perfect paradise God says that there is something that is NOT good:

Genesis 2:18 NKJV

18 And the Lord God said, “It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.”

God created human beings with a need and desire that even perfect, sinless fellowship with Himself could not satisfy.

(This is not a deficiency with regards to God - He is and will always be all we need - however, being made in God’s image means that we need another person to complete the relational image of God that exists in the personhood of the Trinity)

This is the need for intimate, relational companionship.

Thus:

A single person has these God given relational needs and desires. They are by God’s design and NOT by sinful corruption.

However what sin has done is that it makes us seek to fulfill these needs by any means possible, even through sinful actions.

When these deep intimate relational needs are unfulfilled the result is what the bible describes as “Burning”.

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Note: We are not speaking specifically or exclusively about “sexual” intimacy.

Our need for intimate relationships covers all the bases from our physical needs, to our emotional needs, to our mental needs and even to our spiritual needs.

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Basically ANY “need” that is left unfulfilled results in us “burning” to have this need met.

Fact 2: Not everyone burns.

There are very rare individuals who do not experience this burning.

That is, they have no intimate relational “needs” that need to be met.

This is NOT a natural or “normal” state - it is a very rare and unique GIFT that God may grant to certain individuals.

We call this: The Gift of Celibacy.

A celibate person finds peace, fulfillment and contentment in their singleness.

Paul was one such individual and for those who have this rare gift Paul has some powerful advice!

1 Corinthians 7:7–9 NKJV

7 For I wish that all men were even as I myself. But each one has his own gift from God, one in this manner and another in that. 8 But I say to the unmarried and to the widows: It is good for them if they remain even as I am; 9 but if they cannot exercise self-control, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

If you have the gift of Celibacy do not get married!

Why would he say that?

Because of the risk we spoke about earlier.

A celibate person has no need for marriage so why risk the trouble!

And yes, marriage is trouble.

1 Corinthians 7:28 NKJV

28 But even if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. Nevertheless such will have trouble in the flesh, but I would spare you.

1 Corinthians 7:32–34 NKJV

32 But I want you to be without care. He who is unmarried cares for the things of the Lord—how he may please the Lord. 33 But he who is married cares about the things of the world—how he may please his wife. 34 There is a difference between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman cares about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit. But she who is married cares about the things of the world—how she may please her husband.

Fact 3: It is completely normal to Burn.

(Normal not good)

You either have 1 of 2 things:

Either you have the gift of Celibacy or you have intimate relational needs that have to be met.

There is no alternative.

Because you have these needs as you grow and mature so will these needs and desires and since they are unsatisfied as a single person: You are going to experience this burning.

That is: There will be a need in your life that because it is unmet will result in a deep, often painful longing to satisfy.

God has a solution to your burning: Get Married!

1 Corinthians 7:9 NKJV

9 but if they cannot exercise self-control, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

Fact 4: If you are married it is because you have intimate relational needs.

(If you don't have intimate relational needs then you should have listen to Paul and not got married!).

Why did you get married?

Why did you take such a terrible risk?

There are 2 Answers to this question: Motivation and Mission.

The MOTIVATION for marriage is love. We marry the PERSON because we LOVE THEM.

But we also got married because of the MISSION, or Purpose of marriage ITSELF.

What is the mission, the purpose, the goal of marriage?

Hope.

You took the risk in HOPE - More specifically Hopeful Expectation.

A hopeful expectation of what?

In the hope that your intimate relational needs would be met by your spouse and put an end to your “burning”.

Here is a revelation: Your spouse got married with the exact same hopeful expectation as you: That you would satisfy all their needs and desires too!

This is precisely what the bible says:

1 Corinthians 7:1–3 NKJV

1 Now concerning the things of which you wrote to me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. 2 Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband. 3 Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband.

The Affection due to the wife is the fulfilling of her needs and desires.

The Affection due to the husband is the fulfilling of his needs and desires.

Fact 5: Needs met by DEMANDS cannot satisfy.

Marriage is not a contract.

A contract says You are REQUIRED to do this or that to meet your spouse’es needs.

Thats not how it works at all.

If i have a need or desire to be appreciated for my hard work, and i try to meet that need by threatening Kim that if she does not praise or compliment me, she will face nasty consequences.

The compliments and praise i will receive will not be genuine or sincere.

So they will not satisfy.

God’s wisdom: The fulfilling of our needs by our spouse must be freely given - You simply cannot MAKE your spouse do what you want and meet your needs.

Marriage is a COVENANT that is built on love and is modeled on Jesus Christ’s relationship with His Church.

What does this mean?

Did Jesus in sacrificial love give everything on the cross to meet humanities greatest need: Redemption?

Yes

When He did this for us did He do it knowing perfectly well that many of the people who He suffered and died for would still reject him?

Yes.

1 John 2:2 NKJV

2 And He Himself is the propitiation for our sins, and not for ours only but also for the whole world.

So what did Jesus do?

He suffered and gave Himself anyway.

What does this mean for your marriage as a model?

It soberly reminds us of our final fact:

Final Fact 6: Hope is all you have.

1 Corinthians 13:4–8 BSB

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no account of wrongs. 6 Love takes no pleasure in evil, but rejoices in the truth. 7 It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be restrained; where there is knowledge, it will be dismissed.

Because Love: Is patient and kind and does not seek its own - All you can do is, in the sight of God, do your absolute best to give your spouse the affection due to them - with no guarantee but only a hope that they will reciprocate and do the same for you.

PLEASE NOTE:

No one is perfect and it is impossible for our spouse to meet our needs fully.

When it comes to giving our spouse all the affection that is due to them, every one of us will fail.

But if we wake up every day and seek to live according to God’s Word miracles will happen!

God tells us:

Philippians 2:3–4 NKJV

3 Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. 4 Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.

If they do: Heaven

If they dont: Next week.