Conflict in the Family

Background to passage: the 2.5 tribes are headed back across the Jordan after having kept their promise to help take the land. They build an altar for the generations to remember the brotherhood and the shared covenant. This is interpreted very wrongly, and wrong interpretation almost led to some terrible consequences.

Joshua 22:10–34 ESV

10 And when they came to the region of the Jordan that is in the land of Canaan, the people of Reuben and the people of Gad and the half-tribe of Manasseh built there an altar by the Jordan, an altar of imposing size. 11 And the people of Israel heard it said, “Behold, the people of Reuben and the people of Gad and the half-tribe of Manasseh have built the altar at the frontier of the land of Canaan, in the region about the Jordan, on the side that belongs to the people of Israel.” 12 And when the people of Israel heard of it, the whole assembly of the people of Israel gathered at Shiloh to make war against them. 13 Then the people of Israel sent to the people of Reuben and the people of Gad and the half-tribe of Manasseh, in the land of Gilead, Phinehas the son of Eleazar the priest, 14 and with him ten chiefs, one from each of the tribal families of Israel, every one of them the head of a family among the clans of Israel. 15 And they came to the people of Reuben, the people of Gad, and the half-tribe of Manasseh, in the land of Gilead, and they said to them, 16 “Thus says the whole congregation of the Lord, ‘What is this breach of faith that you have committed against the God of Israel in turning away this day from following the Lord by building yourselves an altar this day in rebellion against the Lord? 17 Have we not had enough of the sin at Peor from which even yet we have not cleansed ourselves, and for which there came a plague upon the congregation of the Lord, 18 that you too must turn away this day from following the Lord? And if you too rebel against the Lord today then tomorrow he will be angry with the whole congregation of Israel. 19 But now, if the land of your possession is unclean, pass over into the Lord’s land where the Lord’s tabernacle stands, and take for yourselves a possession among us. Only do not rebel against the Lord or make us as rebels by building for yourselves an altar other than the altar of the Lord our God. 20 Did not Achan the son of Zerah break faith in the matter of the devoted things, and wrath fell upon all the congregation of Israel? And he did not perish alone for his iniquity.’ ” 21 Then the people of Reuben, the people of Gad, and the half-tribe of Manasseh said in answer to the heads of the families of Israel, 22 “The Mighty One, God, the Lord! The Mighty One, God, the Lord! He knows; and let Israel itself know! If it was in rebellion or in breach of faith against the Lord, do not spare us today 23 for building an altar to turn away from following the Lord. Or if we did so to offer burnt offerings or grain offerings or peace offerings on it, may the Lord himself take vengeance. 24 No, but we did it from fear that in time to come your children might say to our children, ‘What have you to do with the Lord, the God of Israel? 25 For the Lord has made the Jordan a boundary between us and you, you people of Reuben and people of Gad. You have no portion in the Lord.’ So your children might make our children cease to worship the Lord. 26 Therefore we said, ‘Let us now build an altar, not for burnt offering, nor for sacrifice, 27 but to be a witness between us and you, and between our generations after us, that we do perform the service of the Lord in his presence with our burnt offerings and sacrifices and peace offerings, so your children will not say to our children in time to come, “You have no portion in the Lord.” ’ 28 And we thought, ‘If this should be said to us or to our descendants in time to come, we should say, “Behold, the copy of the altar of the Lord, which our fathers made, not for burnt offerings, nor for sacrifice, but to be a witness between us and you.” ’ 29 Far be it from us that we should rebel against the Lord and turn away this day from following the Lord by building an altar for burnt offering, grain offering, or sacrifice, other than the altar of the Lord our God that stands before his tabernacle!” 30 When Phinehas the priest and the chiefs of the congregation, the heads of the families of Israel who were with him, heard the words that the people of Reuben and the people of Gad and the people of Manasseh spoke, it was good in their eyes. 31 And Phinehas the son of Eleazar the priest said to the people of Reuben and the people of Gad and the people of Manasseh, “Today we know that the Lord is in our midst, because you have not committed this breach of faith against the Lord. Now you have delivered the people of Israel from the hand of the Lord.” 32 Then Phinehas the son of Eleazar the priest, and the chiefs, returned from the people of Reuben and the people of Gad in the land of Gilead to the land of Canaan, to the people of Israel, and brought back word to them. 33 And the report was good in the eyes of the people of Israel. And the people of Israel blessed God and spoke no more of making war against them to destroy the land where the people of Reuben and the people of Gad were settled. 34 The people of Reuben and the people of Gad called the altar Witness, “For,” they said, “it is a witness between us that the Lord is God.”

Opening illustration:

Top Seven Reasons for Family Strife and conflict:

Money

Family businesses

In-laws

Family events

Siblings over elderly parents

Step-parents/children

Divorced parents co-parenting

The Lake Lure Dam in North Carolina was at risk of failure after Hurricane Helene caused heavy rainfall and flooding in September 2024, but it ultimately held:

· Evacuations

Residents downstream of the dam were ordered to evacuate due to the risk of a catastrophic failure. Storm shelters were opened at Lake Lure Town Hall and Rutherfordtown Presbyterian Church.

· Damage

The dam was overtopped by floodwaters and structural supports were compromised.

· Assessment

A structural engineer determined that the dam was stable and failure was not imminent.

· Repairs

Emergency repairs were expected to begin soon.

· Flooding

Flooding caused devastating damage to towns, including destroyed businesses, roads, and homes.

· Dam classification

The Lake Lure Dam is classified as a "high hazard" dam due to the large number of people and roads downstream of it.

Main thought: We’re going to look at some principles of conflict in the family this morning.

1) Don’t Jump to Conclusions (v. 11-12)

Joshua 22:11–12 ESV

11 And the people of Israel heard it said, “Behold, the people of Reuben and the people of Gad and the half-tribe of Manasseh have built the altar at the frontier of the land of Canaan, in the region about the Jordan, on the side that belongs to the people of Israel.” 12 And when the people of Israel heard of it, the whole assembly of the people of Israel gathered at Shiloh to make war against them.

1) Don’t Jump to Conclusions (v. 11-12)

Explanation: Hasty conclusions, poor interpretation, assumptions, and rumors. Wonder how long it took for this news to travel back to Joshua? Think about the speed of news today. We hear about intentional disinformation today, but this act was not suppose to mislead. However in the eyes of Joshua and the rest of the people they interpreted it as treason, rebellion, and idolatry.

Argumentation:

Illustration: When my brother first started dating his now wife, they had a situation somewhat similar in the fact that when they got down to it, it was misunderstand. He said that from that point on there was a two rule process to avoid future conflicts. 1) If he said or did something that could be taken two ways, one of which was bad and one that was good, always choose the good. 2) If she was convinced that the alternative was the more accurate interpretation, refer to rule number 1.

Application: most of us are prone to “shoot first, ask questions later.” We do that because we are afraid like the Israelites were (citing Peor and Achan). Hasty assumptions can lead to unnecessary conflicts. Can you think of a time when you assumed the motivation of another only to later find out there were completely opposite motivations, or at least not the ones you assumed. Sometimes we do it in our families. Ever find yourself having to explain that something you said or did was not what it appeared? Sometimes we do it in church. Text messages are wonderful places to misinterpret, jump to conclusions and be ready to go to war. What if the Refocus Team comes back with a conclusion, recommendation, and new ministry that involves changing something that has always been. “They just want to...”

2) Be Zealous for Truth (v. 13-20)

Joshua 22:13–20 ESV

13 Then the people of Israel sent to the people of Reuben and the people of Gad and the half-tribe of Manasseh, in the land of Gilead, Phinehas the son of Eleazar the priest, 14 and with him ten chiefs, one from each of the tribal families of Israel, every one of them the head of a family among the clans of Israel. 15 And they came to the people of Reuben, the people of Gad, and the half-tribe of Manasseh, in the land of Gilead, and they said to them, 16 “Thus says the whole congregation of the Lord, ‘What is this breach of faith that you have committed against the God of Israel in turning away this day from following the Lord by building yourselves an altar this day in rebellion against the Lord? 17 Have we not had enough of the sin at Peor from which even yet we have not cleansed ourselves, and for which there came a plague upon the congregation of the Lord, 18 that you too must turn away this day from following the Lord? And if you too rebel against the Lord today then tomorrow he will be angry with the whole congregation of Israel. 19 But now, if the land of your possession is unclean, pass over into the Lord’s land where the Lord’s tabernacle stands, and take for yourselves a possession among us. Only do not rebel against the Lord or make us as rebels by building for yourselves an altar other than the altar of the Lord our God. 20 Did not Achan the son of Zerah break faith in the matter of the devoted things, and wrath fell upon all the congregation of Israel? And he did not perish alone for his iniquity.’ ”

2) Be Zealous for Truth (v. 13-20)

Explanation: Truth as it relates to rumors, and truth as it related to worship of the One True God. Two kinds of zeal here that are both good. We are constantly confronted with information. Most of us don’t trust the news media like we used to, and we believe all of what we read on Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, or TikTok. But as the people of truth, we must seek out truth. After they gathered for war at Shiloh, they decided they go let those tribes know that war was coming and why. A delegation led by the high priest was sent.

Argumentation:

Illustration: Jonathan Edwards firing after 23 years

Application: We need to make sure what we believe is true. Not relatively true, but absolutely true. Correspondence view of Truth. Next time you hear a rumor from the insider person, check and see if it is really true before you share it. Challenge the bearer of such inside info to join you as you call and see. It is of great concern to me if I am misinterpreted or misunderstood to the point that people are hurt by what I say or do. Please come to me. I am willing to be wrong, but more often than not we can foster understanding and be stronger for it.

It is past time that we become zealous for the truth. We are people of weak doctrine and conviction. We are not good at articulating our faith. We may know that we believe ____, but couldn’t tell you why. Jerry and I were talking about groups that educate, train, and disciple their young and old to the point that they can go chapter by chapter and verse by verse with anyone at 12 years old - JW’s, Mormons, Church of Christ, Primitive Baptists. We don’t have to kill for truth, but we must stand for it. And stand for it as a church, stand together.

3) Seek, Hope, and Prepare for Reconciliation (v. 21-34)

Joshua 22:21–34 ESV

21 Then the people of Reuben, the people of Gad, and the half-tribe of Manasseh said in answer to the heads of the families of Israel, 22 “The Mighty One, God, the Lord! The Mighty One, God, the Lord! He knows; and let Israel itself know! If it was in rebellion or in breach of faith against the Lord, do not spare us today 23 for building an altar to turn away from following the Lord. Or if we did so to offer burnt offerings or grain offerings or peace offerings on it, may the Lord himself take vengeance. 24 No, but we did it from fear that in time to come your children might say to our children, ‘What have you to do with the Lord, the God of Israel? 25 For the Lord has made the Jordan a boundary between us and you, you people of Reuben and people of Gad. You have no portion in the Lord.’ So your children might make our children cease to worship the Lord. 26 Therefore we said, ‘Let us now build an altar, not for burnt offering, nor for sacrifice, 27 but to be a witness between us and you, and between our generations after us, that we do perform the service of the Lord in his presence with our burnt offerings and sacrifices and peace offerings, so your children will not say to our children in time to come, “You have no portion in the Lord.” ’ 28 And we thought, ‘If this should be said to us or to our descendants in time to come, we should say, “Behold, the copy of the altar of the Lord, which our fathers made, not for burnt offerings, nor for sacrifice, but to be a witness between us and you.” ’ 29 Far be it from us that we should rebel against the Lord and turn away this day from following the Lord by building an altar for burnt offering, grain offering, or sacrifice, other than the altar of the Lord our God that stands before his tabernacle!” 30 When Phinehas the priest and the chiefs of the congregation, the heads of the families of Israel who were with him, heard the words that the people of Reuben and the people of Gad and the people of Manasseh spoke, it was good in their eyes. 31 And Phinehas the son of Eleazar the priest said to the people of Reuben and the people of Gad and the people of Manasseh, “Today we know that the Lord is in our midst, because you have not committed this breach of faith against the Lord. Now you have delivered the people of Israel from the hand of the Lord.” 32 Then Phinehas the son of Eleazar the priest, and the chiefs, returned from the people of Reuben and the people of Gad in the land of Gilead to the land of Canaan, to the people of Israel, and brought back word to them. 33 And the report was good in the eyes of the people of Israel. And the people of Israel blessed God and spoke no more of making war against them to destroy the land where the people of Reuben and the people of Gad were settled. 34 The people of Reuben and the people of Gad called the altar Witness, “For,” they said, “it is a witness between us that the Lord is God.”

3) Seek, Hope, and Prepare for Reconciliation (v. 21-34)

Explanation: After their accusation, the delegation did allow the 2.5 tribes to explain. They had just accused them of the most serious of crimes and idolatry. The tribes explained why they did what they did. They were shocked at what they heard. Their explanation made perfect sense. Rather than an altar for sacrifice, it was an altar of remembrance for the generations of the covenant, of the unity of the nation, of the true altar at Shiloh in the tabernacle. They wanted their kids to keep the faith, and their kids and their kids.

Argumentation: Luke 15: the Prodigal Son highlights the journey of seeking and reconciling. The father eagerly awaits his son’s return, believing in hope and preparation for togetherness. The moment he sees his son, he runs to him and forgives him without hesitation. This beautiful illustration teaches us about the grace of reconciliation, where seeking and hoping lead to joyful reunions.

Illustration: A couple celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary by sharing stories of their early days, including their funniest arguments and misunderstandings. They realized that every disagreement, rather than driving them apart, brought them closer through understanding and forgiveness. This lighthearted reflection shows that in any relationship, seeking, hoping, and preparing for reconciliation can turn past conflicts into cherished memories.

Application: Marriage is a great example of the bubble of commitment that guards the resolving of conflict and the willingness and goal to reconcile a relationship. Clear communication is so crucial to the process.

Romans 12:9–21 ESV

9 Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. 10 Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. 11 Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. 12 Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. 13 Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality. 14 Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them. 15 Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. 16 Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight. 17 Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. 18 If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. 19 Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” 20 To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” 21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

The important part is that we don’t want and will not settle for broken relationships. We must desire to fix them. Had a lady in the food distribution line yesterday that had me pray for the family because they are scattered out, not speaking to each other, and unwilling to reconcile. Think of all the lost relationships and years. Some of you have relationships that are estranged and embittered. Some of you have not gone the extra mile. Go build that relationship back. May take time. May start small. If you are able to, bitterness won’t take hold. Years of hurt will begin to be repaired. Your relationship with God will be less hindered. You cannot make people forgive, but you can assume responsibility and as much as possible for you...

God has a desire for unity in the family and in the church. There are some relationships in the church that need to be dealt with for reconciliation.

Closing illustration: The Family Conference Table

There are many practical skills and techniques to improve communication and resolve conflicts. However, the gospel is the solution: softened hearts, transformed life, humility, forgiveness, kindness, redemption, hope, peacemaking, indwelling of the Holy Spirit. Let God do the work of reconciliation on the heart of you and others. Let him do the work of fixing relationships on the supernatural side in the church body.