The Mystery of Marriage (Ephesians 5:22-33)

Introduction

The Foundation of Marriage

What do I mean by this? I mean that way down deep, at the very heart of your marriage, underneath everything else, there lays a Covenant that you have entered into. Now, what is a covenant? A covenant is a relationship built on a promise, and marriage is the deepest covenant, the deepest relationship built on a promise, that two people can possibly enter into. Our basis for unpacking the mystery of marriage begins here with this understanding.

So, here as Paul is concluding this section on marriage, he takes it way back, all the way back to Genesis chapter two and the beginning of all things. He quotes, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” Now, I have to be honest, I much more prefer the old King James word “cleave” over “hold fast.” “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife.” Cleave means to adhere to, to stick to, to be joined together. Literally, in the Hebrew the word there means to be stuck together with glue. This is the relationship that a husband and wife are called to – they are literally to be stuck together like glue.

And this language is entirely consistent with covenants all throughout scripture. Consider Deuteronomy 10:20,

Deuteronomy 10:20 ESV

You shall fear the Lord your God. You shall serve him and hold fast to him, and by his name you shall swear.

Or, how about Deuteronomy 11:22

Deuteronomy 11:22 ESV

For if you will be careful to do all this commandment that I command you to do, loving the Lord your God, walking in all his ways, and holding fast to him,

Then there is Joshua 22:5

Joshua 22:5 ESV

Only be very careful to observe the commandment and the law that Moses the servant of the Lord commanded you, to love the Lord your God, and to walk in all his ways and to keep his commandments and to cling to him and to serve him with all your heart and with all your soul.”

You get the picture. This is the very heart of the marriage relationship, the very foundation of it all – it is all built upon a covenant, a relationship that you enter into on the basis of a promise.

Now, this is interesting, because I think if we were to take a poll and ask what people thought was the foundation of marriage, I think odds are greater than not that “love” would be the overwhelming answer. Particularly in western culture, it seems to be that love is viewed as the basis for marriage. After all, ask yourself, “would I marry someone that I don’t love?” Probably not.

But, there is a problem here. If love is the foundation for marriage, what do you do in those seasons in which your love for your spouse wanes? As some of you can maybe even attest, in the course of a marriage there may be years in which the romantic element is diminished, if not absent entirely. What does this mean for your marriage? If love is the core of marriage, then of course divorce makes sense. No love? Might as well get a divorce.

But, scripture offers something radically different than this notion that love and passion is the foundation of marriage. Scripture tells us that a man and woman are to cleave to one another, they are to hold fast to one another, they are to be stuck like glue… even if love is absent. Why? Because it is less about your love for one another, and more about the promise that you have made. In marriage, God is calling husbands and wives to honor the promise that they have made to one another, and not just one another, but also to Him. Consider the words of Malachi 2:13-14. Basically, God is calling out the nation of Israel through His prophet Malachi, and he says this:

Malachi 2:13–14 ESV

And this second thing you do. You cover the Lord’s altar with tears, with weeping and groaning because he no longer regards the offering or accepts it with favor from your hand. But you say, “Why does he not?” Because the Lord was witness between you and the wife of your youth, to whom you have been faithless, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant.

God is not removed from the marriage covenant; He is an active participant in the covenant, and He calls husbands and wives to honor the commitment, to honor the promise that they have made to one another and to Him as a witness. Hear me, church – the core of marriage is a covenant, and everything in your marriage radiates outward from this center.

Now, we should say a word or two about romance, passion, and intimacy in the marriage union. I recognize that based on everything so far, marriage sounds more like an obligation, like a duty-bound commitment. Hear me this morning, the loveless marriage is not honoring to the Savior. There ought to be romance, there ought to be passion and intimacy, there ought to be joy – in fact, these things are so important, it is one of the reasons that marriage exists! The problem is that too often we associate love and romance purely on an emotional level; but, too often our emotions are simply outside of our control. When this happens in marriage, when the emotions wane a bit, we might be tempted to jump ship on our marriages. But marriage is a guard rail that won’t let you jump. As Tim Keller wrote, “It’s not love that holds your marriage together, it’s marriage that holds your love together.” Marriage is a commitment that you make because love, passion, romance, and joy are so important. Don’t let the commitment side of it lead you to think that enjoyment doesn’t matter in marriage – you make the commitment because enjoyment matters deeply in marriage.

I realize this is heavy. As a married man, I certainly feel the weightiness of marriage. Maybe you are here and your single and you’re thinking to yourself, “Wow, I’m never getting married now.” I get it, this certainly feels weighty. But, it should feel weighty. There is no deeper covenant, there is no deeper relationship that two people can enter into than marriage. And we have to ask the question, who on earth would want to do this to themselves? Who on earth would want to enter into this deep of a relationship with another person? Paul himself even looks at the marriage union and calls it a mystery.

But, there is enormous encouragement to be had. Paul rips back the curtains and reveals all that is operating behind the scenes – he reveals the mystery. Yes, marriage is incredibly full of weight. Yes, marriage is incredibly hard. But, there is enormous encourage for it. Church, see the picture of marriage.

The Picture of Marriage

“Therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the Church.” Here it is! What is the grand encouragement to be had? It is that marriage is a picture; and not just any picture, it is a picture of Christ and the Church. Marriage is a picture of the gospel.

This is staggering, church. Paul is saying that the same relationship dynamic that exists between King Jesus and his bride, the church, is the same relationship dynamic that ought to exist between husband and wife. Furthermore, he is saying that as a husband and wife faithfully live out the marriage dynamic, they picture for one another and the watching world what the Savior and His Bride are like. Danny Akin puts it this way, “Paul is suggesting something radical, and he knows it! But he cannot shy away from the truth the Holy Spirit is revealing through him. From its very founding, the institution of marriage was designed to image forth the relationship that Jesus Christ has with the people of God, the Church. The man leads, loves, and serves his wife because that is how Christ gives himself to his bride. And the wife respects, submits to, and helps her husband, because that is how the Church of God follows the risen Lord Jesus. This is marriage done God’s way, according to his plan and purpose. And when we practice marriage biblically, the watching world sees the gospel on display, even as it likewise hears the gospel coming from our lips. In both ways, the glory of God in his redeeming work through Christ is presented beautifully and attractively.” (Danny Akin, A Scriptural View of Marriage: Marriage is a Picture of the Gospel)

Maybe this pertinent question to ask this morning is do you understand the gospel? Do you recognize what Jesus has done on your behalf in order to redeem and reclaim you? Have you responded to what Christ has done with repentance – have you agreed with him that you really are sinful and broken and turned from your sin and brokenness in submission to him as king of your life? This is the gospel, church – that God had his heart so set upon sinful, broken people that he sent Jesus to die in our place in order that me might be reconciled back to him. Has this message changed you? If not, then it is no wonder if the marriage dynamic does not make sense.

As both husband and wife recognize what has been done for them on an individual level, they seek to live out the same level of selflessness and sacrifice toward their spouse that his been extended to them in Christ. Philippians 2 may very well be one of the most powerful verses that you will find anywhere in scripture – it is a call to the life of every believer, and as it is lived out it does wonders in the marriage union.

Do you see it church? Marriage is a context in which the gospel can be lived out in such great measure. As a husband and wife both respond in humility to one another, giving themselves away to one another day after day, they demonstrate the leadership, love, and service that Christ extends to the church and the respect, submission, and help that the church extends to Christ. Church, see the picture of marriage.

You thought marriage was heavy before, look at where we are now!

The Response of Marriage

With all of this in mind then, we come to the response of marriage, particularly what it looks like for a husband and wife to respond to the gospel by fulfilling different roles within the marriage relationship. Again, this is rooted in the picture of marriage which is Christ and his Church, his Bride. As Christ and his Bride are different, so are the responsibilities of husband and wife.

Wives

First, Paul addresses married women in the church and says, “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.” It seems that, particularly in Western culture, any call for a woman, particularly in the marriage union, to submit to a male is unfathomable. Quite frankly, I get it. After all, a woman is an autonomous human being with all of the rights and dignity of a male – sadly, many in the history of the church have been slow to see this. Thus, the call for a wife to submit to her husband may in fact be paramount to abuse in the eyes of some.

I do not believe that this is the case, though. The problem, I fear, is that Western culture has lost sight of the picture of marriage. So, no wonder! If you don’t first understand the gospel and what Christ has accomplished for his people (women included), then of course the call to submit makes little sense. After all, many women are much smarter than her husbands… they may be more successful than their husbands… they may make more money than their husbands… they might be a better leader than their husbands… the list goes on. If you approach the relationship dynamic like that, than of course you run into a problem. However, scripture is not advocating that wives submit to their husbands on the basis of their husband’s deservedness. In fact, a wife’s submission to her husband is not ultimately about her husband at all – it is about Christ. She submits to her husband, not out of the worthiness of her husband, but out of the worthiness of her Savior. Submission, then, is an act of worship on the part of a believing wife. As she, in all humility, considers her husband more important than herself, she ultimately reveals and honors who she believes to be of greatest importance – the Savior himself, King Jesus.

The same regard that the wife takes in relationship to her husband is the same regard that the church takes in relationship to Christ. “Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.” (Ephesians 5:24) Ultimately, Paul is arguing that the role of the believing wife in any marriage is to be a picture of the Church and its submission to the Savior. The deliverance that the Savior has afforded to his people is simply too great… it is only fitting that the Church respond in worship by humbly submitting to the Lordship of her Savior. And thus, the believing wife is offered the privilege of lining up under her husband, both as an act of worship in obedience to her Savior and as a picture for the world to see of what a “free” person really looks like.

Of course, there are some restrictions placed upon the wife, because again – a wife’s submission to her husband is not ultimately about her husband, it is about Christ. The believing wife ought not to submit to her husband unto sin. If she is ever brought to a fork in the road and must choose between submitting to her husband unto sin, or honoring her Savior in keeping with his word, she ought always to choose the latter – honor the Savior, always. So, if the husband would have the wife violate her conscience and the teaching of scripture, he ought not be surprised when she refuses to line up under him in that moment.

Furthermore, we should ask the question – what about the abusive marriage? How should a wife relate to an abusive husband? Hear me, the answer is the same – honor the Savior, always. In that particular circumstance, you honor the Savior by getting out and letting your husband (hopefully) feel the full weight of his egregious behavior. Your husband’s evil against you is the very thing that Jesus died to condemn; but also, it is the very evil that Jesus died to deliver from and forgive. If you are in an abusive relationship, you get out. It might just be in experiencing the consequences of his sinful behavior that he finally responds in repentance and surrender. It is not loving, and I would argue that it isn’t even Godly submission, to continue to let your husband dehumanize himself in sinning against you in such egregious ways. Honor the Savior always – let your husband experience the full weight of what he has done, in hopes that he also experiences repentance.

So, this is the role of the wife in Christian union between husband and wife. Paul says that a wife should submit to her husband as the Church submits to Christ. However, this is not for the husband’s sake – once again, a wife’s submission to her husband is not ultimately about her husband, it is about Christ. Her submission is first and foremost an act of worship to her Savior for who he is and what he has accomplished on her behalf. It is also a picture to the world of how the Church submits to Christ.

As a wife submits to her husband, it should be deeply humbling to the husband to recognize that ultimately, her submission isn’t about him – a husband should be moved by the fact that his wife so adores her Savior that she chooses to line up under him in submission. Furthermore, a husband should be deeply moved, floored even, that he has been appointed by Jesus to be a picture of Jesus in the marriage dynamic.

So, get ready, men. Now it is your turn, and I have much more (as does the Apostle Paul) to say to you.

Husbands

Paul says, “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” As a wife is to be a picture of the church in the marriage dynamic, the husband is called to be a picture of Christ. Men, you ought to be floored by this.

The question that no doubt comes to mind though is this – what if my wife doesn’t deserve this level of love? What if my wife does not submit to me as Christ calls her to? In fact, what if she doesn’t even know Christ? If a wife’s submission to her husband is ultimately not about her husband, but about Christ, I am going to say that a husband’s Christ-like level of love for his wife is ultimately not about his wife, it is about Christ. As a husband, in all humility, considers his wife more important than himself, as he gives himself away time and time again in infinite love to his wife, he honors and reveals the one who is his greatest love, the one who is in fact deserving of all of his love and affection – the Savior himself, King Jesus.

It makes no difference if a wife deserves it or not (in fact, she is a sinful human being just like her husband), so the answer is always she doesn’t deserve it, but neither do wife or husband deserve the love of Christ, and yet Jesus gives himself away in such infinite measure to both. This undeserved level of love and sacrifice that Jesus perpetually offers to his people is not only the call of the husband in the Christian union between husband and wife, it is the motivation and empowerment for such a level of love.