Thrive in Relationships / Marriage

We live differently

Submission is not all it seems

Men are the biggest factor in marriage

Receive God’s love

[Recap]

We have talked about identity

We have seen the 4 pillars of life - hope, holiness, fear of God, love. And the way of spiritual growth by craving the Word all because the Lord is good.

1 Peter 2:11–12“11 Dear friends, I urge you, as foreigners and exiles (as someone who does not belong to the world), to abstain from sinful desires, which wage war against your soul. 12 Live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us.”

Why live well, why care about our character?

Christians should live exceptional lives in the midst of suffering because such behavior brings glory to God. Which is what we were create to do. Respond to hostility with self-controlled submission and respect.

Reminder: living righteously in a faithless context = persecution.

It provides an attractive alternative to the pagan way of life and gives us the hope that such conduct will have a positive impact on them.

We must live in a way that culture sees the radical difference between our two worlds. Which means in a practical sense that we treat everyone differently than expected, especially our enemies. It is counter-cultural and it pleases God.

“All my Christian friends are the ones who truly care”

Now Peter is about to get practical and provide us with some specifics of what that looks like. (Household codes)

Showing respect and honor to others in the reverence and love for God.

Their relationship with the government

Their relationship to their masters

Family (husbands and wives in particular)

Concept of familiarity - this is the true test.

Family of God.

1 Peter 3:1–7 “1 Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2 when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. 3 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes.

4 Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. 5 For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves. They submitted themselves to their own husbands, 6 like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.

7 Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.”

Abuses on Submission & Headship:

The Reason for God: Belief in an Age of Skepticism (Chapter Seven: You Can’t Take the Bible Literally)

But my biggest problem with the Bible is that it is culturally obsolete. Much of the Bible’s social teaching (for example, about women) is socially regressive. So it is impossible to accept the Bible as the complete authority Christians think it is.”

The Worst fathers and husbands:

Nominal Christians who live on the fringes of Christianity enough to know the language but not the heart.

The happiest marriages, men and women, are devout Christians.

There are countless real life examples of women who have suffered abuse by the hands of their “Christian” husbands in the name of submission.

Physical, emotional, verbal abuse is a major problem in the world today. Women and men are victims, yet statistically, women because of our biological nature are more so.

50% of all female murders are from intimate partners compared with 3% of men.

25% of all female suicides have abuse as the major contributor, and 50% for african american women.

I want to spend a moment to correct what has been wrongly taught about the concept of submission.

Fundamental commands in Scripture that transcend gender:

Teach and admonish one another (Colossians 3:16)

I have friends.

Serve one another in love (Galatians 5:13)

Accept one another (Romans 15:7)

Bear one another’s burdens (Galatians 6:2)

Consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. (Hebrews 10:24)

Whatever we mean by headship and submission cannot negate this fundamental biblical truths. The special marriage relationship does not take away from these.

To Submit really means to honor and respect another’s wishes. It also means to offer your best insights for another personal consideration and judgment. When submitting, I am not quiet and go along with whatever is demanded, but rather contributing to the good of the other. Which might mean boundaries with consequences.

Submission does not mean:

Submission does not mean that the “submitted one” women are inferior to the man in any way.

Does not necessarily equate obedience. (Example in Ephesians 5)

Sadly, because of the fall and sin, authority and headship is twisted to domination, manipulation and control to get what they want.

And in a marriage context focusing on submission is almost surely an indicator that one’s priorities are messed up. When husbands resort to demanding submission from their wife when they are unable to get their way - that indicates selfishness rather than love and service to one’s wife, which is anti-Christ.

Sin turns us in on ourselves, sin makes us shrink our lives to the narrow confines of our little self-defined world. Sin causes us to shrink our focus, motivation, and concern to the size of our own wants, needs, and feelings. Sin causes us to be way too self-aware and self-important. Sin causes us to be offended when we don’t get our way and be too concerned for what only concerns us. Sin causes us to dream selfish dreams and make selfish self-oriented plans. Because of sin we really do love ourselves so much and we have the best plans for our life!

In other words, you love yourself so much, you want your wife to love you and your kingdom as much as you love you and your kingdom. Your demand is for her to serve your kingdom. As long as she does, the marriage will be great.

When we are so focused on me me me, we have no time or focus left for our spouse, we are too busy loving ourselves to love our spouse.

So we try to force the other to submit to my kingdom. No longer is our spouse an imager of God, they have now become simply a tool, an object by which I get my needs met. Or, they become an obstacle to my happiness.

But we have been called to step out into the vast world and blessing of the Kingdom of God and together as one serve him not ourselves. When I fill my life with serving God, it liberates me with energy to serve my spouse with respect and honor.

Submission should never even arise:

Marriages that are full of love, respect, and honor rarely need to resort to the issue of submission.

When the Christian wife is seeking to love her husband with her whole being out of reverence for God and the husband is seeking to love his wife with his whole being out of reverence for God, the issue of submission never emerges.

The husband should be asking, “Why do I have to use force to get this done?”

Whenever you are in a place where you have to “pull rank” your marriage is in trouble. In other words, if you have to say I’m the boss, it is a sign of deeper problems in the marriage.

1 Peter Bridging Contexts

In Cloud and Townsend’s insightful book Boundaries, they come to the following conclusion:

We have never seen a “submission problem” that did not have a controlling husband at its root. When the wife begins to set clear boundaries, the lack of Christlikeness in a controlling husband becomes evident because the wife is no longer enabling his immature behavior. She is confronting the truth and setting biblical limits on hurtful behavior. Often, when the wife sets boundaries, the husband begins to grow up

So as a man:

“I believe in a wife submitting to her husband, but I don’t believe the husband ever has the right to demand it. In fact, I know that when I am worthy of submission, my wife submits; and when I am unworthy of it, she does not. My responsibility is to be worthy.

When I live a life worthy of respect, my wife will respect me.

My wife doesn’t respect me… There is a good chance you aren’t worthy.

As a Woman:

God given power to influence for the husband’s good.

The goal is to win over the disobedient unbelieving husband.

This verse is often used to stifle wives voices. But as we have seen, God himself imposes consequences for bad behavior on those who have refused to listen to his verbal warnings. And Christians are called to do the same. As Vernick writes, “We must keep in mind that a godly wife’s godly actions may include implementing tough consequences for repetitive and unrepentant sin tin the hopes that those actions will influence her husband to look at his destructive behaviors, repent, and come to Christ.”

Peter tells wives that by holding their spouse accountable “godly behavior” with a “gentle and quiet spirit”, they may even have the power to influence a disobedient or unbelieving husband:

Meek (Gentle): in the first century, the word was used to describe a well-trained warhorse, strong and spirited yet under control, this is telling women not to be doormats but to be like Jesus - exercising great strength under control.

Men, be considerate and treat them with respect.

This was revolutionary for the time!

Most marriages were arranged - not for love but to advance the family's financial and political interests. Wives were often very young at the age of marriage; child brides were common. The Greek historian Plutarch reported that Romans gave their girls in marriage when they were twelve years old, or even younger. Their husbands were usually twice as old. As a result, wives were less mature, less experienced, and less educated than their husbands.

Under these conditions, not surprisingly, husbands and wives often had little in common. Men held their wives in low esteem. divorce by husbands was widespread. since it was though acceptable for me to have sex outside of marriage, a wife had no recourse if her husband committed adultery. the roman statesman Cato declared, If you catch you wife in adultery, you can kill her with impunity; she however, cannot dare to lay a finger on you if you commit adultery. It is the law.

Lack of respect for wife is even losing his connection to God. His line of communication with God will be disrupted. His connection to God will be damaged. His spiritual growth will stall. “You can’t treat your wife poorly and expect closeness with God.”

If the husband will not allow her voice to be heard, God will not hear his.

Want a good marriage?:

Gottman’s research, studying some 3,000 couples, was able to determine with 93.6 percent accuracy within as little as fifteen minutes, wheter a couple is likely to divorce and even how long it will take.

His most surprising find is this: The health of a marriage primarily depends on the husband.

The majority (65%) of husbands disregard their wives opinions or they don’t “accept influence”

They ignore, criticize, or and drown out their wives voices. They disregard their wives opinions, feelings, and concerns.

Statistically speaking, when a man is not willing to share power with his partner, there is an 81% chance that his marriage will self-destruct with either divorce or long-term unhappiness.

Men - you have power by God to have the greatest marriage imaginable. We don’t do this necessarily knowingly

Women want:

A husband that understands her and loves her.

Men who aren’t only powerful at work but at home too. Consistent and respectable. A man who lives his life with personal integrity in such a manner that he is justly as “famous in his living room” as well as at work.

A husband who really listens to her.

A husband who showers all of his attention on her all the time, not just when he wants something.

A husband who is loving, caring, and sensitive.

A husband who makes her his #1

A husband who makes her his best friend.

A husband who is vulnerable, emotionally intelligent, open about their weakness and fears.

“Most husbands think that if they show any fear or weakness or vulnerability to their wives, their wives will lose respect for them. They obviously don’t know women very well… The wife cherishes being able to help a man be what he cannot be without her. So, when you share you innermost thoughts with your wife, you're not just meeting her needs, your helping yourself.”

A husband who is a leader

Says follow me. He doesn’t overstep and control but is neither passive in responsibilities.

Better marriage, he takes the lead

Wife to have a richer spiritual life, he deepens his own spiritual life with God and says follow me.

Children to stand strong against the temptations of secular culture, he models conviction and integrity and says follow me.

To lead means to be out in front living a life that is worthy of emulating.

If someone needs to get a second job, its me. if someone needs to speak up to my parents or in-laws about issues, its me. If someone needs to have a painful conversation with our children about who they are dating, its me, if someone needs to say no to more requests so that there's more time for marriage and family (thus making people unhappy) it’s me. If someone needs to step in front of a bullet, its me. If someone needs to intervene in a problem, it’s me.

Regarding children, the father should educate the family about the need for Bible study, prayer - if the kids never see him pray, then why would they think it is important? If he doesn't take them to church, then why do they think it is important? If he doesn't teach them about tithing, how ill they ever know that it is important?

Like Joshua, we stand and say, “As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.” Joshua 24:15.

Contributors to abusive husbands:

Feeling rejected by their father

Feeling a lack of warmth from father

Physically abused by father

Verbally abused by father

Feeling rejected by mother