What do I want right now?

Up to Speed

I’ve gone back and forth in this whole thing.

First, I cried thinking about RC being true

Then, as I’ve become dissatisfied with some of the answers and approach of my non-denominational evangelical system, these more historic traditions have offered the rigor I’ve looked for.

Scrupulosity

I will also say this, kind of a side personal note here.

My scrupulosity makes me think almost everything I’m doing or thinking is a sin, it’s pretty crippling, especially with these ecclesial questions. I don’t know how to progress.

Catholicism has done a lot more work in scrupulosity than my experience in evangelicalism from what I can tell. I think this comes from having confession as a sacrament and having a mortal/venial sin distinction.

They have a clear system the scruple can use it seems like. You can blindly trust your confessor and spiritual father, and there is some divinely-backed authority there right?

Doesn’t mean your priest is infallible, but it at least seems like there’s a way you can have a system and have a free conscience before God.

The only option I’ve been exposed to in evangelicalism is once saved always saved as a solution which really takes the weight out of sin and no sin I’m doing can ever cut me off from God so this anxiety isn’t rational.

Not an expert here, but definitely skeptical, I’ll just leave it here.

I don’t think it’s impossible for historic Protestantism to provide a solution here, but I don’t see how it could come close to what Rome can offer. That’s definitely made my heart long for Rome or the East.

Works

Justification by faith alone. Duh. From what I understand, having this imputed righteousness takes care of eternity as long as I have that faith. Doesn’t take away the importance of works, doesn’t take away the possibility to leave the faith. But having this way through the judgement I’m freakin out about all the time. No question.

Pope/Magisterium

As far as the Pope, I’d love to have the Papacy and the Magisterium just as much as I’d love to have more books in the Bible. More answers, more guidance, what’s not to like? I’ve been cautioned not to seek it for having certainty in everything since there’s still debate within Rome, but still.

Community

I’m at a point where community has felt pretty lonely. I’m plugged in at my church and involved and see friends and stuff, but I just had it really good in college. Guys that were super fired up about Jesus and taking following him really seriously and not being so set in our thinking on stuff. And now with this care that I have for the early church and following after that, it’s lonely not having that in community.

One really cool thing though is my wife and I’s best friends want to look into the early church too so we’re reading the apostolic fathers together. Really based and I think going to make a big difference for the community.

It’s been easy for me to imagine that I will become Catholic or Orthodox and then whatever community I land in will be just 100% zealous for righteousness and good theology and that’s just not true. There’s amazing communities in all traditions and there’s not-ideal communities in all traditions.

Family

There’s three parts to this family thing. There’s my extended family, my church family, and my immediate family.

Extended Family

So it’s interesting because my parents are starting to get more into their faith in an evangelical non-denom context, but I don’t think there’d be any concerns or anything if I went Catholic. More of it is with my wife’s side of the family.

They grew up Catholic, and now are non-denom. In fact my father in law is an elder at our church which is sweet. But, if we came and said “hey guess what Hail Mary” it’d definitely be tough. I don’t think this would ever seriously keep us from making a change but it would really suck.

Church Family

We are super plugged in at our church and love seeing everyone every week. I don’t think it is as much of a striving side by side to Jesus kind of love as it is just this is our family and the people we do life with. What i mean is we aren’t doing like classes and bible studies and rebuking and all that. We do small groups which is sweet.

But yeah, leaving these people would suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. My wife has been at this church way longer than me too so it’d be extra hard. Especially as we’re hoping to have kids, my wife having that community she’s had for years is a huge deal.

Immediate Family

That leads well into the immediate family stuff. I’m married. I know what you’re thinking. You knew God was gracious but not so gracious that he’d give me to someone as a husband.

In all seriousness, I gotta think about this from the family dynamic. Both for my wife and I right now, but also looking at what do we want for our kids?

I care a lot about this leading the family thing, and it does feel like a huge gift I can do even if it isn’t as fun, is getting us into a theologically rigorous environment that calls us to a high standard and really really works on renewing our minds. Entrusting us to a tradition that can nurture us through all the seasons and the questions.

This is something I just don’t know I’ll find in evangelicalism in America in the 21st century. The lack of being historically rooted makes this really tough. Historic Protestantism, RC, and EO would provide this for my family and for me.

Overall

So what do I want right now?

I’d say right now, it’s:

Historic Protestantism

Justification by faith alone

Still authority from the early traditions

Not as much of a rift community wise

But, not having a magisterium sucks.

RC

This has everything in Protestantism I want but just not justification by faith alone.

However, the magisterium would be SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICK.

EO

because then so many people I know are damned. Plus from what I can tell you don’t have anything infallible in the last thousand years right? This could be ignorance

None of this really matters for what I should do. What I should do is go where I think is true. But, I think this is helpful to just look at myself and the factors that are tugging me.