Restoring Broken Heart Connections
The Disciple Making Parent • Sermon • Submitted • Presented
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To begin this chapter, Bettis brings up two times where FORGIVENESS IN THE FAMILY needed to be sought.
One of which was a instance of his daughter needing to seek forgiveness.
Another was where he himself need to seek the forgiveness of his son.
In the time with his son, Bettis says that he completely allowed himself to give full vent to his spirit. (“Why didn’t you do what I asked?” “How could you forget?”)
11 A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back.
He wasn’t quick to listen
He wasn’t slow to speak
He wasn’t slow to become angry
To which I wonder, how many times have we found ourselves in this same boat? How many times have we allowed ourselves to boil over only to let everything be fully revealed in how we felt on the inside… only for our children to be devastated.
I have done this more times than I would like to admit.
23 One’s pride will bring him low, but he who is lowly in spirit will obtain honor.
Forgiveness Is Gospel-Glue
Forgiveness Is Gospel-Glue
Bettis makes two statements here that I think are crucial for this lesson…
If we are going to keep our hearts connected to our children and keep their hearts connected to ours, we are going to need to learn to forgive one another.
Love and forgiveness are the gospel-glue that holds a family together.
This is something that must begin to flow down from the parents and to the children.
As a disciple making parent you must be the one to practice, model and teach.
If we hold resentment, they will learn to hold resentment.
If we are bitter, they will learn to be bitter.
Disciple Making Parents teach their children to restore broken relationships.
Why I need to Ask Forgiveness
Why I need to Ask Forgiveness
In this journey… we will ALL NEED TO ASK OUR CHILDREN FOR FORGIVENESS. I HOPE WE REALIZE THIS.
You WILL ALSO NEED TO FORGIVE.
Independent of how they act (kids, spouse, anybody), I have the command to love and forgive. I am responsible for my actions and reactions.
You can only control you. You can’t control your spouse, you can’t control your children. You can only control yourself.
You must be careful at blaming your own sin on the sin of another… then you have just walked right back to the sin of both Adam and Eve.
My Children never cause me to sin. They just reveal the sin that is already in my heart.
Acid cup from Chapter 5.
The fact for us who are God’s children by His mercy and Grace… is that we are COMMANDED to forgive much because we ourselves have been forgiven much.
14 For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, 15 but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.
He was not teaching that believers earned God’s forgiveness by forgiving others; for this would be contrary to God’s free grace and mercy.
However, if we have truly experienced God’s forgiveness (a right understanding of our sin and forgiveness through Christ), then we will have a readiness to forgive others… THIS INCLUDES BOTH OUR SPOUSES AND OUR CHILDREN.
(Eph. 4:32; Col. 3:13).
32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
Parents, Do Not Embitter
Parents, Do Not Embitter
We as Disciple Making Parents need also to take seriously the command not to exasperate our children.
4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
21 Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.
There is no secret that there has been a epidemic of children who have grown into adults who STILL have harboring feelings agains their parents because of what happened years ago.
Much of which (not all), but many of those adults would tell you that whatever suffering when they were kids came from their fathers. (mothers though are not excluded)
The word for “Fathers” here is used in Hebrews 11:23 to refer to both parents.
Paul could have both parents in mind, but more likely he is turning attention to the fathers here.
Seems to be a sin that dad’s are more prone to.
This goes back to the understanding that we should be aiming for encouragement toward the Gospel (Gospel Minded, acting as our North Star), rather than discouragement. Even in our discipline.
Exalting Jesus in Ephesians Two Challenges
Here are some possible causes of angering our children:
• Failing to take into account the fact that they are kids
• Comparing them to others
• Disciplining them inconsistently
• Failing to express approval, even at small accomplishments
• Failing to express our love to them
• Disciplining them for reasons other than willful disobedience and defiance
• Pressuring them to pursue our goals, not their own
• Withdrawing love from them or overprotecting them
Now, in this… we will not be perfect.
And because of this… it must be us setting the tone for a Gospel filled home.
It does mean we forgive much based on how much we have been forgiven.
This is why my middle sister STILL TO THIS DAY doesn’t have a great relationship with my father. I don’t think he has ever gone to her for forgiveness. Recognizing that what he did when we were children was wrong.
A blind spot for parents and church leaders here…
Solomon prays for a heart of wisdom that he might administer Justice.
9 Give your servant therefore an understanding mind to govern your people, that I may discern between good and evil, for who is able to govern this your great people?”
When an authority is not wise, those underneath him feel injustice.
This is a sobering reality. One that makes us understand that again that we are not sufficient in ourselves. Just as Solomon needed wisdom to govern. So do we! Ask the Lord for wisdom every day!
Also let’s us understand that when a ruler doesn’t rule from a place of wisdom… those under him suffer because of it.
We must be sensitive to this in our homes.
A simple acknowledgement of this will help bring restoration to our relationship with our kids.
Adrian and I have done this several time with McKinlee where we have said, “I am sorry for the way I just parented in that situation… please forgive me. I am learning this parenting thing as you grow up.”
Forgiveness really is the glue that holds all of this together. It is what the GOSPEL is built around.
Family Forgiveness
Family Forgiveness
9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
This is one of the most memorized verses in the Bible.
I love this paraphrase that is given by Daniel Akin on this passage:
Exalting Jesus in 1,2,3 John Do Not Lie to Yourself (1 John 1:8–9)
“If we are characterized as those who are continually agreeing with God about our sin, both its nature and its acts, God is both faithful and just (true to Himself) to forgive us our sins and to purify us from all our wickedness.”
This is what we want to portray to our children,
we want to show them that we are continually doing this with God ourselves to restore our relationship with Him.(being characterized in this)
We want to show them that we are continually doing this with mom or dad.
We want to show them this in ourselves seeking their forgiveness.
We want to show them that they themselves will need to ask for our forgiveness and that of their siblings. (training)
——>They need to be trained to ask forgiveness and restore the relationship.
Forbearance and Grace
Forbearance and Grace
Before getting too much into forgiveness… there is a needed balance.
Forbearance
“Overlooking a sin or an annoyance.”
It is realizing that we don’t live in heaven yet. In the cross, Christ as accepted us and overlooked so much in our lives that surely we can do the same for others.
7 Therefore welcome one another as Christ has welcomed you, for the glory of God.
The grace of forbearance oils our family life and covers over unintentional sins.
8 Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.
11 Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.
So, as we are talking about forgiveness. It’s also important for us to remember forbearance.
Every single offense isn’t going to be one in which the other person needs to come to us and ask forgiveness.
There is wisdom in forbearance with our brothers and sisters in Christ.
There is wisdom in teaching our children this as well.
Thinking the best of one another.
Giving the other the benefit of the doubt.
Overlooking smaller offenses.
The difficulty with forbearance is best summed up by Christopher J. H. Wright in his book Cultivating the Fruit of the Spirit. He writes that forbearance “means putting up with the things other people do (or don’t do, when you wish they would). It means that you make the effort to ‘bear with’ other people, even when they irritate and annoy you, or worse. Forbearance is when you choose to forgive people, rather than hold a grudge against them. Forbearance is when you choose to overlook something that was hurtful or unkind, rather than fighting back with harsh words or making sure you get even with the one who did you wrong.”
A Gospel family practices this just as they practice forgiveness.
And this also reminds of how much God forbears with us in Christ.
Jesus Taught His Disciples To Forgive
Jesus Taught His Disciples To Forgive
“What do we do when the offense is too much to over look?
Jesus commanded each party to seek reconciliation and peace.
If you are the one sinned against, you are to go to that person.
15 “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.
If you sinned against someone else, you are to go.
23 So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you,
9 “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.
We are to seek peace even between two parties whom we know are not at peace.
18 If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.
Just in general, we are to be peace seekers. Out of the pursuit of the Gospel and nothing out of our own ambition.
Jesus commands us as His followers to forgive.
Every single time there is a hurt, a break in relationship between two parties, no matter how hard it may be… there is a GOSPEL OPPORTUNITY THERE.
LOVE THROUGH FORGIVENESS IS THE GOSPEL.
Jean Vanier said this about community which also applies to families…
Too many people come into community to find something, to belong to a dynamic group, to find a life which approaches the ideal. If we come into community without knowing that the reason we come is to discover the mystery of forgiveness, we will soon be disappointed.
This is one of the reasons to be in a Bible preaching church, this is one of the purposes of marriage. This is one of God’s purposes in you having Children. To learn and discover forgiveness.
This life we live in these relationships should be highlighted by a CONSTANT NEED AND WANT TO FORGIVE THE OTHER. (Spouse, children, extended family, co-working, fellow church member…)
C.S. Lewis in his book ‘The Weight of Glory’ said that we can only do this by remembering where we stand.
…by meaning our words when we say in our prayers each night, “Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.” We are offered forgiveness on no other terms. To refuse it means to refuse God’s mercy for ourselves.. There is no hint of exceptions and God means what He says.
Let this be a staple in our households in teaching our children how to forgive. It will be a skill that they will have to enact for the rest of their lives!
How Not To Ask Forgiveness
How Not To Ask Forgiveness
How should we not ask for forgiveness:
“I’m sorry”. (Shortened version of “I’m sorrowed”… Identifying with someone’s troubles.)
“I’m sorry if I offended you.”
No admission of guilt.
No asking offended party for forgiveness.
We have confused, “I’m sorry” with “Please forgive me.”
I’m sorry, is not how to reconcile a relationship when sin is involved.
More Than I’m Sorry
More Than I’m Sorry
It’s more than sorrow that has been felt that needs to be recognized…
Sin=Incurred debt.
Again in the Lord’s prayer…
12 and forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.
When somebody who is the forgiver, they are absorbing the debt we have incurred in the relationship. (Smashed Car)
In a family household… there is over the years going to be an amazing amount of debt that will be incurred by sin… the only way to live in a sinful families house is by much forbearance and much forgiveness because we ourselves have been given forbearance and forgiven by Christ.
Asking Forgiveness
Asking Forgiveness
Quick Biblical Formula
I sinned against you and God when I (insert biblical term).
Here the offender is using the word sinned. He or she is naming the action using biblical terminology.
That was wrong. I’m sure it hurt you.
Admitting that what the offender did was wrong and acknowledging hurt.
Please forgive me.
Asking the offended party to absolve the debt.
While offender seeks to work on the sin that caused the dept.
I forgive you.
This signals to the offender that the debt is paid for. The offended has incurred it. Spiritual response.
1. Confess your sin.
2. Ask for forgiveness.
3. Repent.
1. Engaging the Mind
First, a godly asking for forgiveness must truly engage the mind of both parties. Since we ask for forgiveness when we have sinned against another, the sinner should objectively state how they have sinned, which engages the mind of each of the people involved, both the sinner and the one offended.
2. Engaging the Emotions
Second, a godly request for forgiveness must try to engage with the emotions of all involved, both the offender and the one offended. God has given us proper emotions and feelings for our good. Since they are an important part of being a person, they should never be ignored. When a person is sinned against, it is reasonable for them to feel deeply hurt.
3. Engaging the Will
Third, a godly request for forgiveness must engage the sinner’s will. They should state how they would respond in the future when they are again presented with a similar temptation.
Last Steps
One of the last steps in asking for forgiveness is to have all the above aspects stated together to the offended person in a gentle, humble way. And finally, the sinner must ask, “Will you please forgive me?” Hopefully the response by the originally offended party is a glad, “Yes, also with God’s help, I forgive you.”
Peer to Peer
Peer to Peer
YOUNGER CHILDREN:
Process can be very simple.
Simple, “I’m sorry for…” and “I forgive you.” (Hugs)
OLDER CHILDREN:
Offenses Grown.
Needs to be a more deliberate walking through of the process. (Teachable Moments - We must not let these go by.)
I love what Bettis suggest here as you walk with your older children through this.
It’s not the same script every time. Essence is there.
Also helped children walk through this with friends.
Asked, “Could they overlook or forbear?” If not, they need to go to the person (Matthew 18).
Wanted to avoid letting the relationship wither.
As we think about this… remember that we must be concerned about training the heart of the child more than how this may look to outsiders.
Conclusion
Conclusion
Remember, that God has placed you into families to help sanctify you.
He has placed you into families to help you learn forgiveness!
“LOVE AND FORGIVENESS IS THE GOSPEL GLUE THAT HOLDS OUR FAMILIES TOGETHER.”
WITHOUT IT… IT WILL UNRAVEL.
Disciple-Making Parents teach their children to restore broken relationships.
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