Bitterness, Resentment, Grudges - How the Grudge stole Christmas
Messy Christmas • Sermon • Submitted • Presented
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· 14 viewsUntangling complicated relationships in your life...
Notes
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Please turn to Ephesians 4. Ephesians 4:29 and following.
we are in a new series called Messy Christmas—Untangling complicated relationships in your life.
The image—if you have ever gotten out your Christmas decorations, and didn’t put your Christmas lights away correctly—just throw them in a heap in a box, and you try untangling them—you may begin to hate your life and question your existence. You may actually break the strands as you try to unravel and untangle them.
Similar to our relationships.
our relationships are complicated—tangled up…messy.
As complicated as untangling those lights are—it’s nothing compared to some of the messiness we feel in our relationships—and the strain, and sometimes the breaking of them.
and we feel it especially at Christmas time and the holidays.
I want to talk about this theme—Messy Christmas and relationship…why?
Relationships and the good and bad are especially magnified during the holiday season. why? b/c there are sometimes forced family gatherings—some of the people we see only at the holiday season, if that, and let’s face it—those relationships are messy. there’s hurt feelings. things that family did or failed to do for you for years and decades. so these gatherings are a reminder of the brokenness in your relationships
and as part of the holiday season there is this holiday Christmas expectation that everything is beautiful, perfect, Hallmark movie-ish. “it’s the most wonderful time of the year....” so expectations can play a big part. and sometimes we look at other families and their social media posts of their perfect gatherings or Christmas cards and think “My family is the only strange or dysfunctional one...”
but that’s not true. we are all a mess. all of our families have problems.
you may also feel a sort of pressure from family to conform or be a certain way, or at a gathering cook something or prepare something or buy lots of presents. the holidays really bring this out. that contributes to the mess...
4. one of the pastoral counseling areas I see most often is related to this. How do we handle the bitterness or resentment that builds in our souls? How do I forgive someone? How do I reconcile with someone? these are such human questions…and thankfully the Bible addresses them!
I think of some of the scenarios that can play out in our lives that lead to messiness and broken relationships
i saw that some of my friends got together (maybe on social media) and didn’t invite me. why would they leave me out? that can lead to bitterness...
one writer gives some illustrations of just everyday practical examples:
• she says her boss is demanding and extremely critical. she says he humiliated her in front of her co-workers by judging her work unfairly. she can’t seem to let it go and fantasizes about plots for revenge. what should she do?
• one wife writes that her husband does not seem interested in meeting any of her emotional needs. He is distant and cold when she tries to talk to him about it. Over time, she has given up hoping that he will ever change and sees no reason to continue in the marriage.
all of these build bitterness and resentment if unaddressed...
some of us may feel slighted and offended by the way our parents raised us or failed to raise us. one writer says it like this: • he said his parents constantly belittled him as he was growing up. Now an adult, he suffers from depression and anxiety and cannot figure out why he can’t get over it.
and then what do you do if the situation against you is especially horrible and egregious. someone really hurt you, your spouse cheated on you, an adult abused you as a kid, someone so hurt you if felt like your heart and soul were ripped out…what do you do then? • one writer says his father was killed by a drunk driver when he was a teenager. Life was difficult for his family after that. The man was given only a light sentence. He felt bitter at the unfairness of life.
we even feel this bitterness and messiness in the church...
why did this person in the church treat me so harshly or coldly and ignore me? or even just look at me that’s not right?
or maybe I feel the church leadership or a pastor should have handled this situation differently...
it may even be even a slight thing in the church—but can get magnified...
I feel that as a church pastor all the time. when people ask me if I see myself being a pastor the rest of my life…I sometimes hesitate if I am honest—because relationships are messy. I find I let people down by not living up to certain expectations, or making decisions they may disagree with. and I find people let me down. Somebody who I am on good terms with this year—it could be messy come next year.
I remember talking with a mentor and said “I just want to lead a church with no problems.” and he said, “in heaven…son.” relationships are messy—maybe especially in the church b/c we have high expectations and we should of one another, but let’s face it—we don’t always meet those or live up to them. We can be hypocritical—myself included. so I have to regularly examine myself; I have to grieve relational difficulties and losses. I have to work at this, too, and roll up my sleeves.
the beauty of living in a small town, a rural area—is we are forced to deal with this…because if you and I are at odds—we will see each other at the football game Friday night, or getting eggs at the grocery store
so we are going to talk about 3 subjects over the next few weeks:
Bitterness, resentment, grudges today...
Forgiveness—what it is and isn’t next week
Reconciliation—how do you meet with someone face to face and resolve conflict
so Merry Christmas....
Despite all this…there is hope because of God and His supernatural power and the Gospel.
Let’s talk today mainly about bitterness, resentment, and grudges. What does the Bible says?
Paul is writing to the church in Ephesus…a place we have been following in Acts 19-20 where the Apostle Paul stayed and ministered for 3 years—a difficult place.
He writes to the church:
29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.
31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.
32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
let’s read another one—the writer of Hebrews—Hebrews is all about persevering your Christian faith. It’s worth it—to follow Jesus. don’t fall away.
14 Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord.
15 See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.
bitterness is dangerous Hebrews says—because if you don’t take care of it at the root…you really have to get at the root of it—it can grow—cause trouble, and defile many. that’s OT language of being defiled for sinning....
Jesus says very famously in the Lord’s prayer
12 And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.
it’s like Jesus knew we would struggle with this...
and then he issues a warning:
14 For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.
15 But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.
think of the danger of bitterness and resentment—it can destroy your relationship but affect most of all your relationship with God.
not that forgiving others earns God’s forgiveness but there is a connection between divine forgiveness with God and horizontal relationship with others. if we don’t forgive others—it shows that we haven’t really understood or received the radical vertical forgiveness of God.
even if you are not a spiritual person or don’t care about God at all…you probably have seen how bitterness can consume you, make you enraged—it’s no way to live. even if you have no other motive than self—to change—that’s at least a start to get rid of the bitterness.
but if you are a Christian—there are just so many warnings about how bitterness, unforgiveness damages our relationship with God.
it might be helpful to make a distinction at this point. what is bitterness? is it different than anger?
Bitterness is not the same as anger. why?
26 “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry,
it’s not wrong to get angry. actually—we are commanded to get angry at certain things. we should get angry—Jesus in his ministry got angry at sin—at the Pharisees and their hypocrisy—he got angry at death when Lazarus died and everyone was grieving. he got angry at his disciples—he told Peter get behind me Satan! we should be angry at injustice and sin—our God gets angry at those things!
the danger comes when we sin—in our anger. our anger can control us and if it goes deep in our heart and not dealt with.
one resource says it like this: “Bitterness is an attitude of extended and intense anger and hostility.”
so it’s anger that builds—you may have even been appropriately angry at something…but it lasts---it’s especially intense—maybe even hostile. and it’s extended.
one writer says it like this---It is often accompanied by resentment and a desire to get even. It is a result of not forgiving an offender and letting the hurt and anger grow until the pain and resentment sour the person’s view of life. (when we let our anger linger longer)
2. How do you know you have bitterness towards someone: signs of bitterness
it can be practical things:
failure to make eye contact
avoiding them—they are coming down the hall at church—I go the other way
short, terse responses — how are you doing “I’m fine!” (clearly you are)
opposite of Romans 12:15
15 Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.
so in our heart, we get excited when bad things happen to them “that’s right...” we may even say “I am so sorry brother...” but secretly we are celebrating”; and conversely we get sad or mad when they are doing well
bitterness becomes our identity. even in our brain chemistry we can get addicted to the adrenaline or feelings of being bitter, of being grinches or vindictive, or being victims. we get hooked on it.
obsessive thoughts of revenge
I am not going to solve it all today or even the next few weeks—my hope is to poke and prod you—and the Spirit do it so you begin to address it regularly.
Application—and Hope:
Remember - Jesus came from a messy family line (Matthew 1:1-17)
if you look at the genealogy listed in Matthew 1....we sometimes brush past that. it is filled with one soap opera story after another...
some are more obvious—Rahab…the prostitute…amazing how God used her to hide the spies from God’s people....
even the “heroes of the faith” guys like Abraham, Jacob, and King David, the man after God’s own heart—was messy and wicked at times.
Abraham lied about his wife being his sister, and it almost got her raped. Jacob was a liar and deceiver. David was a murderer and adulterer. and yet Jesus in his humanity descended from them. if you think your family tree is messed up—so is Jesus’—but this is good news. Jesus came to identify with messed up families like us, messed up sinners like us—and save us. He didn’t shy away from the mess.
Remember - Jesus’ earthly family was messy at times.
3 Jesus’ brothers said to him, “Leave Galilee and go to Judea, so that your disciples there may see the works you do.
4 No one who wants to become a public figure acts in secret. Since you are doing these things, show yourself to the world.”
5 For even his own brothers did not believe in him.
I don’t blame them—I would have a hard time believing my brother is the Messiah...
20 Then Jesus entered a house, and again a crowd gathered, so that he and his disciples were not even able to eat.
21 When his family heard about this, they went to take charge of him, for they said, “He is out of his mind.”
31 Then Jesus’ mother and brothers arrived. Standing outside, they sent someone in to call him.
32 A crowd was sitting around him, and they told him, “Your mother and brothers are outside looking for you.”
33 “Who are my mother and my brothers?” he asked.
34 Then he looked at those seated in a circle around him and said, “Here are my mother and my brothers!
35 Whoever does God’s will is my brother and sister and mother.”
I am sure what Jesus said was shocking in a culture that prioritized blood relatives and family more than anything else. it was offensive to his family. but Jesus redefines is—sets up some boundaries—and says there is an even deeper family.
so I find that encouraging—Jesus understands us—He gets us like the commercial says.
we have a wonderful counselor who can relate to us.
Remember Jesus’ disciples were messy....
they misunderstood him
Peter denied him
Judas betrayed him
so if you hear nothing else today—remember Jesus. we read in is. 9:6 he is a wonderful counselor. He gets what you are going through—you can take your mess to him.
Examine your own heart for bitterness (you might even say assume you have it…) (assume resentment is something you have to regularly address or look for) (remember—the root of bitterness)
notice—not your neighbor’s heart…they may have it…but we first have to take the log out of our own eye Jesus said—then we can see clearly to remove the speck from my brother or sister’s eye.
this examining involves—slowing down—asking God—like the psalmist says this:
23 Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.
we have to assume that we don’t have always the clearest picture of our own hearts—so we need help...
Confess it to the Lord as sin.
confession is a great Biblical word...
in the Bible we see it used in at least 2 senses...
one is the idea of confessing God—professing who He is and His greatness and character--
and the other as we do that is confessing how we don’t live up to God’s standards— we sin.
we acknowledge and agree.
we do this before we ever go to the person....because the most offended party by our resentment—is not the other person—though they feel it. It’s God.
King David famously said in Psalm 51—after he had committed adultery with Bathsheba—(he as the king took her to sleep with her—talk about a major power imbalance), she got pregnant from David, he had her husband Uriah killed in battle to make it look like a “normal” death.
4 Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight; so you are right in your verdict and justified when you judge.
that’s shocking—King David sinned against Bathsheba, the child, Uriah, the whole nation. and yet the most offended party is always our Creator. Our God is absolutely perfect and stunningly holy and beautiful.
I love how Psalm 32:3-5
3 When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long.
4 For day and night your hand was heavy on me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer.
5 Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the Lord.” And you forgave the guilt of my sin.
Work on forgiving that person from your heart before God 1st…that’s the first step (next week we will talk more about what forgiveness is and not)
it may be a process...
it may take a counselor or a mentor or a pastor helping lead you through this...
Realize that person may never live up to your expectations. (maybe they are fair or unfair)
(grieving loss of expectations never met) one Biblical counseling resource says it like this: Relationships that do not live up to expectations and that fail to meet legitimate needs can result in feelings of sadness and loss. When people are unable (or unwilling) to face the reality that their needs are never going to be met by a certain relationship, the result can be bitterness. Taking time to grieve the loss is an important prerequisite to becoming free from bitterness. When people refuse to admit that the relationship will never become what they had hoped, the refusal causes bitterness. “Hope deferred makes the heart sick” (Prov. 13:12).
• (loss of control) it goes on to say: When other people do not meet a person’s needs, he or she can become obsessed with thoughts like, “If they would just do this …” Give it up! People may never do what someone else desires or expects, and they can’t be made to. We can control only ourselves; much bitterness could be avoided if people accepted this truth.
7. Preach the Gospel to yourself daily.
The Gospel is the good news of what God has done.
It is the idea that before a holy God, we are more sinful than we ever thought.
Even our righteous acts, Scripture says are like filthy rags.
yet more loved than we can imagine.
it’s the bad news—that before a holy God—we don’t deserve anything good. because God had made us, and we turned our backs on him.
the wages of our sin and rebellion Scriptures says is death—not just physical—but spiritual—away from God, the author of life.
while offensive—it’s humbling news.
but the good news of the Gospel is all about Jesus.
look at Colossians 3:13
13 Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
forgive as the Lord forgave you.
the command—forgive—is backed up by the supernatural power of the Gospel—as the Lord forgave us.
God sent his only Son Jesus Christ…the 2nd member of the Trinity--
to live on our behalf perfectly...
and to die on the cross for our sins in our place—bearing our punishment
Matthew 1:21—the Christmas story—the angel told Joseph about Jesus:
21 She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus, because he will save his people from their sins.”
and Jesus rose from the grave...
so that if we confess He is Lord—and confess our sin to Him—we will be born again—forgiven, a new heart, and supernatural power.
you see I don’t think we can deal with bitterness or resentment on our own strength.
we need supernatural help—and we got it.
the more we let our hearts wonder that God would send His Son (that’s what Christmas is all about—the eternal Son of God took on flesh) as a rescue operation to bring us back to Him…so that we could live in full connection to Him and to others.
the more we dwell that God would forgive me though I don’t deserve it—the more that melts my heart—it starts to melt my heart towards that person I am resenting.
the more I continually dwell on this good news—it’s not just something I thought about years ago—when I became a Christian—I need reminded of it again and again…the more my bitterness and resentment thaws....
would you take a moment and pray with me?
References below:
The Quick-Reference Guide to Biblical Counseling: Personal and Emotional Issues 2 Definitions and Key Thoughts
2 DEFINITIONS AND KEY THOUGHTS
• Bitterness is an attitude of extended and intense anger and hostility. It is often accompanied by resentment and a desire to get even. It is a result of not forgiving an offender and letting the hurt and anger grow until the pain and resentment sour the person’s view of life.
• Bitterness is a sin that destroys life. Hebrews 12:14–15 warns that bitterness corrupts by its poison. Romans 12:17–19 commands not to seek revenge, but rather let God avenge the wrong.
• Bitterness can be conquered only by forgiveness. Ephesians 4:31–32 says to get rid of bitterness by replacing it with forgiveness.
How do you know you are bitter, resentful, grudges?
The Quick-Reference Guide to Biblical Counseling: Personal and Emotional Issues Key Characteristics of Bitterness
Key Characteristics of Bitterness
resentment
obsessive thoughts of revenge
sarcasm
critical or unkind comments
self-righteousness
conflicts with others
hostility
aggressiveness in relationships
controlling behavior
The Quick-Reference Guide to Biblical Counseling: Personal and Emotional Issues Key Elements of Bitterness
Unresolved anger—Ephesians 4:26 says that we can be angry without sinning. But when anger is unresolved and allowed to ruminate, it turns into bitterness.
• Inability to grieve—Relationships that do not live up to expectations and that fail to meet legitimate needs can result in feelings of sadness and loss. When people are unable (or unwilling) to face the reality that their needs are never going to be met by a certain relationship, the result can be bitterness. Taking time to grieve the loss is an important prerequisite to becoming free from bitterness. When people refuse to admit that the relationship will never become what they had hoped, the refusal causes bitterness. “Hope deferred makes the heart sick” (Prov. 13:12).
• Lack of control—When other people do not meet a person’s needs, he or she can become obsessed with thoughts like, “If they would just do this …” Give it up! People may never do what someone else desires or expects, and they can’t be made to. We can control only ourselves; much bitterness could be avoided if people accepted this truth.
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