Family Matters
Notes
Transcript
Colossians 3:18–21 (ESV)
Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them. Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.
Paul turns a corner in these verses and begins to talk to the Colossians about “family matters.” Then and now, the family is the bedrock of a society. When you think about it, the family was there before anything…before governmental bodies, before religious institutions, before societies organized in any sort of meaningful way, there was the family. And may I say at the outset, God’s idea of family..and His ideal…is a man and a woman who share the life-long commitment of marriage as well as any children they may have together. First husband and wife…then eventually kids. That is the way that God intended it to be. We know that in our society that families are organized many times differently, but it is to the great detriment of a society when that ideal is not promoted…and that is where we find ourselves today.
Here's what God said about marriage, which is to be the cornerstone of a family:
Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.
It is important to note that the word translated “hold fast” here (“joined” NASB) means “to cling to” or “to cleave to.” Marriage is about “leaving” and “cleaving.” Many marriages fail because the husbands and wives don’t really leave the home that they came from and they don’t cleave to one another. To cleave is to stick to a thing. Successful marriages have a “stick-to-itiveness.” You can’t go into a marriage thinking that you can bail when things get tough (and they will get tough btw!). It is and should be “til death do us part.” (We all know that things happen sometimes which are beyond our control. In this broken world, marriages sometimes fall apart.)
I’d like to turn now to the “companion scripture” to the one we read in Colossians. What Paul briefly touched on when writing to the Colossians he elaborated on when writing to the Ephesians. Let ‘s look at a very familiar scripture in Ephesians 5.
Read Ephesians 5:22-33
Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
So Paul is telling us here that the Christian family is to be an evangelist to the world. When the world sees a Christian family operating as it is intended, that family witnesses to the world in a way that no sermon ever could. To see a Christian marriage is to see a reflection of the marriage of Christ to His church. To see a Christian family in which the husband and wife cleave to each other and the children are cherished by the parents and are respectful to their parents, is to see how a well-organized society ought to work.
Now, let’s look at each individual part of this well-functioning family:
Right off the bat, we come upon a BAAAADDDD word…at least according to the way that the world looks at it. The phrase “submit to” is also translated in other versions as “be subject to” or “be subordinate to.” The idea of a wife submitting to her husband is anathema to the world. In this age of “female empowerment,” we are told that women are just fine without men. The old feminist trope was that a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle (or something like that). Well, I’m here to tell you a fundamental truth…women need men…and men need women. We were meant to be compliments to one another, not competitors.
I’d like to share with you first of all what submission does not mean. First of all, it is not the same thing as obedience. There is a different Greek word for obedience than the one used here translated “submit” or “be subject to.” Paul tells the children both in Colossians and in Ephesians to “obey” their parents. If a man is being a dictator over his wife, he is certainly not being biblical (we’ll talk about that in a little while)
Secondly, it does NOT mean that women are inferior to men in any way. Men and women have different roles in the home as well as in society, but neither is inferior to the other. This is perfectly illustrated in a verse in Luke, which gives an account of the boy Jesus’s relationship to His parents.
And he went down with them and came to Nazareth and was submissive to them. And his mother treasured up all these things in her heart.
So Jesus as a boy was in subjection to or was submissive to His parents. Let me ask you, was Jesus inferior to Joseph or Mary in any way? Of course not! I am sure that even at age 12 that he had vastly more understanding and wisdom than his parents had. Yet He submitted Himself to them as a good son should. This is the same word in the original Greek as is found in Ephesians and Colossians regarding wives submitting to their husbands.
God has organized the family so that the husband is to be the head of the household. This is God’s ideal and a well-functioning family will be led by a Christian husband and father. Yet, even when the wife is a Christian and the husband is not, she still is to give him the place as leader of the home, at least…as much as she can. There is certainly another side to this…The husband must actually lead the home. He is indeed the “high priest of the family.” He has to assume that place of responsibility. Husbands and fathers…God does not honor “wimpy men.” We are not to be passive in our place in the home. I don’t think that there are very many women who really understand the male leadership role as it is intended to function, who will not willingly subject herself to her husband when he is leading the home as he should. In many cases, the wife and mother has to take that place simply because her husband won’t. And whose fault is that? It is the fault of the husband and father.
Another thing that I need to mention here is that in our scripture in Colossians is that it says the wives are to be subject to their husbands as is fitting in the Lord. This teaches me that there are going to be times that it is not fitting for women to subject themselves to their husbands. If a husband tells his wife to do something illegal or unethical or immoral, it would not be fitting in the Lord to do that thing. If he is being abusive to her, she is NOT to submit to abuse! She needs to get out. It would not be fitting in the Lord to submit to such harsh treatment. When a man continually abuses his wife either physically or emotionally, I believe that the wife has every right to leave him…even divorce him if necessary. He has gone back on his marriage vows to protect her and has forfeited his rights as a husband.
Submission does not mean that the woman does not have “a vote.” As the rest of the Ephesian passage as well as the one in Colossians explain, men are to take into account their wives views. Yet, someone has to make the final decision. The Bible tells us that that someone should be the husband.
I was reading in Genesis yesterday, and I came across a scriptural example of male leadership in the home that is very powerful. And it comes from a rather unlikely place…the story of the patriarch Jacob. Jacob as a young man had traveled to Haran and eventually married two sisters, Leah and Rachel. He served their father Laban for 20 years. Laban was a very difficult man to deal with. I would call him EGR (extra grace required!). At one point later in the story, Laban claims that his daughters and his grandchildren are his, even though his daughters had been married to Jacob for close to 20 years! God blessed Jacob greatly during the years he was with Laban. There came a time that the Lord spoke to Jacob and told him to take his wives and his children and everything that he had and to go back to Canaan, the land of his birth. This obviously would not be an easy thing for Leah and Rachel to receive. Now, Jacob lived in a highly patriarchal society. He could have just told his wives, “we are going to Canaan” and there would have been nothing that they could have done about it. Furthermore, there is the fact that God Himself is the one who spoke to him. He could have told them, “Thus sayeth the Lord…We are moving today!” However, it probably would have caused much bitterness in their hearts. Now, Jacob had many faults, but this is one time that he modeled male leadership in the home in a beautiful way. Let’s parachute in to this passage and see how he handled this situation.
So Jacob sent and called Rachel and Leah into the field where his flock was and said to them, “I see that your father does not regard me with favor as he did before. But the God of my father has been with me. You know that I have served your father with all my strength, yet your father has cheated me and changed my wages ten times. But God did not permit him to harm me.
He goes on and describes to them other things that happened that caused him to make this decision. He tells them in vs. 13 about his vision from God.
I am the God of Bethel, where you anointed a pillar and made a vow to me. Now arise, go out from this land and return to the land of your kindred.’ ”
After this, he apparently just waited for Leah and Rachel’s response. Then they responded together.
Then Rachel and Leah answered and said to him, “Is there any portion or inheritance left to us in our father’s house? Are we not regarded by him as foreigners? For he has sold us, and he has indeed devoured our money. All the wealth that God has taken away from our father belongs to us and to our children. Now then, whatever God has said to you, do.”
Do you see the great wisdom that Jacob exercised here? (This is not only a great example of leadership in the home, but it is a great example of leadership in any situation!) He explained the situation to his wives and then he waited for their response. Men, we would do well (in this instance) to learn from Jacob. We are not to “Lord it over” our wives, but we are to gently lead them towards our way of thinking (assuming that our way of thinking is the right way!).
I have had so many times in my life that I have taken something to Kathy that I felt that the Lord put on my heart. Sometimes, she readily accepted it. Sometimes, it was more difficult and she needed some time. But also, there are times that I was just wrong…or the timing was wrong…or there was something that I was not seeing. In those cases, she provided extremely valuable feedback to me. There definitely has been times that she saved me from making serious mistakes. But also, there are times that when I gave her time, she would reach the same conclusion that I had come to.)
So let’s now talk about the other side of the coin. We men are to love our wives. How are we to love our wives? As Christ loved the Church. How did Christ love the church? Our text in Ephesians says that “He gave Himself up for her” in a self-sacrificial way. Jesus poured out his very life-blood for us, His church. The Bible calls us His body. We are “bone of His bone” and “flesh of His flesh.” He poured out His life for us to cleanse us and make us something that we never were before. Jesus didn’t come to us half way, he didn’t meet in the middle. He gave up everything for us! His love for us was not just the “warm fuzzies.” He didn’t just have a loving feeling for us. His love was not a feeling but an action!
So you husbands say that you don’t feel the love for her that you used to feel. You don’t have the “warm fuzzies” like when you first met. So what? Love, my friend, is an action verb. It doesn’t matter how you feel. It matters what you do! If you do the actions, the feelings will eventually come. (This is true of our “feelings” toward Christ also, btw!) This scripture says that husbands are to love their wives as their own bodies. You might say, “I don’t love my own body?” What did you do for your body in the last 24 hours? Did you feed it? (Probably several times). Did you clean it? Did you dress it? If there is an injury to your body, do you ignore it, or do you treat it or get treatment? We men are to have at least the same amount of concern for our wives’ well-being as the concern we have for our own!
One thing that marriage does is that it forces us to be less self-centered…or at least it should! Men are to “nourish and cherish” their wives. Men, we are to be students of our wives. We should know them better than anyone else in the world. Jesus us knows us better than anyone else, and if we are to love our wives as He loved the church, then we are to know our wives. What are your wife’s likes and dislikes? What puts a smile on her face and what puts a frown on her face? Loving your wife means that you try to do the things that please her, just as the wives should also do the things that please their husbands. Men, your greatest task in life as a husband is to see that your wife is flourishing…as much as you are able. If she isn’t, then it is your job to find out why not? (BTW, women, don’t tell him there is nothing wrong when there really is. He might just take what you say at face value!) If you know that flowers make her happy, you should get them for her from time-to-time. Try to find out what speaks to her…and do it!
I was reading in Genesis yesterday, and I came across a scriptural example of male leadership in the home that is very powerful. And it comes from a rather unlikely place…the story of the patriarch Jacob. Jacob as a young man had traveled to Haran and eventually married two sisters, Leah and Rachel. He served their father Laban for 20 years. Laban was a very difficult man to deal with. I would call him EGR (extra grace required!). At one point later in the story, Laban claims that his daughters and his grandchildren are his, even though his daughters had been married to Jacob for close to 20 years! God blessed Jacob greatly during the years he was with Laban. There came a time that the Lord spoke to Jacob and told him to take his wives and his children and everything that he had and to go back to Canaan, the land of his birth. This obviously would not be an easy thing for Leah and Rachel to receive. Now, Jacob lived in a highly patriarchal society. He could have just told his wives, “we are going to Canaan” and there would have been nothing that they could have done about it. Furthermore, there is the fact that God Himself is the one who spoke to Jacob. He could have told them, “Thus sayeth the Lord…We are moving today!” However, it probably would have caused much bitterness in their hearts. Now, Jacob had many faults, but this is one time that he modeled male leadership in the home in a beautiful way. Let’s parachute in to this passage and see how he handled this situation.
So Jacob sent and called Rachel and Leah into the field where his flock was and said to them, “I see that your father does not regard me with favor as he did before. But the God of my father has been with me. You know that I have served your father with all my strength, yet your father has cheated me and changed my wages ten times. But God did not permit him to harm me.
He goes on and describes to them other things that happened that caused him to make this decision. He tells them in vs. 13 about his vision from God.
I am the God of Bethel, where you anointed a pillar and made a vow to me. Now arise, go out from this land and return to the land of your kindred.’ ”
After this, he apparently just waited for Leah and Rachel’s response. Then they responded together.
Then Rachel and Leah answered and said to him, “Is there any portion or inheritance left to us in our father’s house? Are we not regarded by him as foreigners? For he has sold us, and he has indeed devoured our money. All the wealth that God has taken away from our father belongs to us and to our children. Now then, whatever God has said to you, do.”
Do you see the great wisdom that Jacob exercised here? (This is not only a great example of leadership in the home, but it is a great example of leadership in any situation!) He explained the situation to his wives and then he waited for their response. Men, we would do well (in this instance) to learn from Jacob. We are not to “Lord it over” our wives, but we are to gently lead them towards our way of thinking (assuming that our way of thinking is the right way!).
I have had so many times in my life that I have taken something to Kathy that I felt that the Lord put on my heart. Sometimes, she readily accepted it. Sometimes, it was more difficult and she needed some time. But also, there are times that I was just wrong…or the timing was wrong…or there was something that I was not seeing. In those cases, she provided extremely valuable feedback to me. There definitely has been times that she saved me from making serious mistakes. But also, there are times that when I gave her time, she would reach the same conclusion that I had come to.
I want to go back to wives for a moment. Our text in Ephesians says that the wife is to see to it that she respects her husband. Your husband needs to know that you are his biggest fan. That you are in his court. Maybe he doesn’t deserve it, but you need to give it anyway, if you possibly can. Try to find out what he is doing that is right…and compliment him on it. Even if you have to reprove him, and there will be those times, do it lovingly and respectfully . Don’t tear him down in front of other people. Furthermore, he needs to know that you are not “bad mouthing” him to your girlfriends when he is not around. In the well-known passage in Proverbs about the “virtuous woman,” it says
The heart of her husband trusts in her,
and he will have no lack of gain.
Men…don’t call your wife “old woman” or “old lady” to your friends! That is disrespectful. Your friends should know that your wife is the most valuable thing in your life besides your relationship with Christ. You speak highly and respectfully of the things that you value.
Let’s look back again at the scripture we started with in Colossians. (Col 3:19) We husbands are not to be embittered against our wives. Some men think of marriage as a “ball and chain.” If that is you, shame on you! You should see your marriage to your wife as an amazing asset. NLT translates this phrase “never treat them harshly.”
There is a beautiful section in 1 Peter about marriage. I’d like to pull out one verse from it. 1 Peter 3:7
Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.
I believe that “weaker vessel” just means physically weaker. This is just a matter of biology. Men are generally stronger than women. This should mean that men are to be protectors of women, not that they should dominate women. Men, you are to be a protector of your wives…and not only of your wives but of all women…and children as well. You are to show your wives honor as “heir together of the grace of life.” This scripture even tells us that when we don’t do this, that our prayers will be hindered. What this is saying is that you should not expect God to listen to your prayers if you don’t honor your wife!
We want to talk briefly about children now.
Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord,
the fruit of the womb a reward.
Children should be viewed by parents as gifts…as great assets to their homes. Children are to obey their parents, which means that fathers and mothers are to train their children to obey. Parents, your no should be no and your yes should be yes. Colossians tells us that fathers are not to exasperate their children so that they don’t lose heart. Fathers, your children should know how much you love them and value them and that your greatest and most important job in life is to raise your children in the Lord.
Ephesians 6:4 (ESV)
Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
You exasperate your children and provoke them to anger when you are inconsistent with them. (This is equally true of mothers as well). Fathers and mothers, you are not to treat your children harshly. I know! I know! They can themselves be exasperating at times, but our response to them should be measured and calm. I have had times that I have spoken too harshly to my children or my grandchildren. There have been times that Kathy had to come to me privately and say “that was a little harsh.” I have had to do that with her as well. I value my wife’s input. There are things that I simply can’t see. I have had to go to my kids or grandkids and say to them, “I spoke too harshly to you. I am sorry.” You would be surprised at how bonding that is with your children. Don’t be too proud to say “I’m sorry” to your children or your spouse.
Another thing that I’d like to touch on here is someone needs to be home with your children if at all possible. A home where both parents are working full time outside the home rarely functions well. You may not want to hear this, but it is the truth. Sometimes it can’t be helped. I understand that. But God didn’t call your day care provider to raise your children. He called you! I can tell you this from personal experience. There was a time in my childhood when my sister and I were “latchkey children” because my mother had to work. I can tell you that our home did not function well during that season! If you find yourselves in a season in which you both have to work full time to make ends meet, this is not meant to put a guilt trip on you. But it should be a goal that you and your spouse work towards. It might mean that you have to cut out some luxuries to make it happen. It might even mean that you have to get into a house that doesn’t have as high payments or that you have to trade down for an older car. I’m just asking you to consider these things prayerfully.
While we’re on this, I’d like to address a misconception that is still around that it is the wife who should always be the person at home. I heard a preacher say recently that the Bible teaches that the wife is supposed to be home. It does not! This idea comes from what I believe is a wrong understanding of a verse in Titus.
and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.
This phrase “working at home” is translated “keepers at home” in KJV. Some people take this to me that women are to always be in the home and never work outside the home. I don’t believe that is the meaning of this. It means that when they are at home, they shouldn’t be idle, but make sure that the home is running well. In the society that this was written from, it was almost unknown for women to work outside the home. Therefore, Paul is assuming that that is where the wives would be. But there is nothing in this text that requires them to be at home all the time. I do believe that there is an implication that someone needs to be ‘keeping the home” or to be the manager of the home. In our society, it is still most often the woman, but it can be the man as well. In this season in our lives, I’m the one at home the most. In earlier seasons, it was my wife. But in our home, with few exceptions, someone was home with the children.
I’d like to close with a wonderful illustration of a Christian home that I found recently in Rod Dreher’s book “Live Not By Lies”, In this book, he tells the story of the Benda family. They were a remarkable family who lived in Czechoslovakia during the dark days of the Soviet Empire. Their country, which was actually two countries, Czeck Republic and Slovakia which were put together by the Soviets, was taken over after World War 2 but Communists aligned with Russia. To the totalitarian regime of Czechoslavakia, there were two great threats…the church and the family. The Benda family was a profoundly religious family of the Catholic faith led by Vaclav and Kamila Benda. Vaclav and Kamila were both academics and they were among the only believing Christians working at the topmost level of the Czeck dissident movement. Vaclav, the patriarch of the family, spent four years in prison for his activities fighting for human rights. Their six children greatly admired both of their parents. One of them, Patrick, said many years later…”Our parents were heroes for us. My father was the sheriff from the High Noon movie.”
Rod Dreher says of Vaclav...
He often taught his children how to read the world around them, and how to understand people and events in terms of right and wrong. He did not allow them to drift into ignorance or indifference…
Kamila was a hero in her own right. One time, she received a letter from her husband in prison. In this letter, he said that the government was talking about the possibility of setting him free early if he agreed to emigrate with his family to the West. Kamila said, “I wrote back to tell him no, that he would be better off staying in prison to fight for what we believe is true.”
Dreher says,
Think of it: This woman was raising six children alone, in a communist totalitarian state. But she affirmed by her own willingness to sacrifice – and to sacrifice a materially more comfortable and politically free life for her children – for the greater good.
Their home was a home where love reigned, where
Benda said that the family house must be a real home, “that is, a place which is livable and set apart, sheltered from the outer world; a place which is a starting-out point for adventures and experiences with the assurance of a safe return”—in other words, a haven in a heartless world. The loving, secure Christian home is a place that forms children who are capable of loving and serving others within the family, The church, the neighborhood, and indeed the nation. The family does not exist for itself alone, but first for God, and then for the sake of the broader community—a family of families. Rod Drehrer “Live Not By Lives”
As I stated earlier, a Christian home can be the greatest witness to the world of the truth of the gospel. A home where Christ is at the center, just looks different and feels different than other homes. It is a home where the wife and mother respects and honors her husband. Where the husband and father loves and cherishes his wife and gives her a place of high esteem in the home. Where both parents value their children and work hard together to bring them up in the nature and admonition of the Lord. Where the children respect and obey their parents. It is a home of laughter and tears. It is a home of joy and sometimes heartache. But it is a home that works. And that is a great testimony to the world around us.
