Dating, Courtship, Wisdom

Difference between Dating and Courting.

Dating

Dating is such tricky thing to speak about because the definitions of it are constantly changing from the time the concept was first introduced.

The Dating as understood by the westernized culture like America, Australia , Britain, NZ is the concept of seeing someone you think has potential and then going out with them alone a few times, even being intimate with them , kissing, cuddling and even fornicating but its a way for you to test out wether you like them or not.

So you are not actually officially boyfriend and girlfriend but you are still deciding wether you like this person. If you end up not liking that person then you wont go on any more dates and you will move on to wanting to date someone else.

I have a friend that constantly goes out and sleeps with people and dates people so that he can try and find the right one. Its so normalised out there in the world but its wrong and painful.

This kind of beginning to a relationship is something a Christian should never do.

Some people even stay in the mode of dating and plan to stay that way with no future goal in mind of getting engaged and getting married.

Alot of the reason people will like to stay in this space of dating is because of the fear of commitment. “I just want to date for a bit longer because im not sure if she or he is the one”.

So you can see some problems with the concept of “Dating” - No commitment in mind , no accountability.

Courting

Courtship is quite similar to Dating but the big difference is and the world would agree aswell is that Courting is wanting to see someone but with the intentions of wanting to get married as a final result from it.

Courting has no kissing , handholding and no cuddling until marriage. They only go out to spend time with eachother with accountability involved like a chaperone , a strong believer or family member that goes with them on their outings or some agreed accountability with parents and church leadership.

Also those who would like to Court someone will be straight up with their intentions - that they want to spend time with someone that they feel have mutual attraction to in the hopes of getting married to them one day. Whereas most of the time when Christians want to date with no intention of marriage in this life time they will keep it a secret.

Courtship allows for two people who want to get to know eachother more and build that relationship more in a safe setting without the pressures of intimacy and emotions getting in the way.

So in talking about a safe setting , a safe setting is around the brethren or family.

Sometimes there may be questions like “if i dont get alone time away from church and family then how do i really get to have that time with the person im courting?”

This would be the only difficulty to some when it comes to Courting.

Now before i answer this question , you have to have in mind if you have plans in pursuing someone to court to come and speak to church leadership so we can discuss things properly.

There may be a possibility in seeing someone alone but the setting has to be safe and the right people should have a heads up.

Also dont be closed minded to the thought of getting to know someone more within the fellowship.

Unsafe settings

One of your houses alone , a park , alone at night time , at the movies, parked in a car alone etc. Chilling on the couch together alone, chilling in bed together alone.

Even if youve been together for years and have already been doing some of these things it doesnt mean its okay, but you should aim to stop those habits and seek forgiveness if you fell.

If you notice others in this , you as brothers and sisters in Christ if you love one another should warn eachother and expose these things.

Safe settings

Food court , restraunt , public activities, meet somewhere instead being picked up unless the right people know.

Having Dating and Courting in mind…

A christian shouldnt be going out with someone without 1 thing on the agenda.

Accountability and the Future goal of marriage in mind.

If this is something you want to someday pursue you must take everything into prayer and fasting asking the lord for discernment , humility, guidance and an open heart to receive correction.

There are a few main things that leadership will need to be more involved if you are in a relationship or seeking to get married to someone. Here are a few:

One or the two of you are in unrepentant sin, one of you just got out of a relationship and are using someone as a rebound, sexual immorality , Accountability , Secrecy - keeping things secret from leadership so you can do what you want, and also a warning if you have certain struggles that will only bring pain to a potential relationship if not dealt with. Lastly things that we would like to discuss with you if you are seeking a relationship is “are you ready for marriage” now remember - seeking a relationship for marriage is a very good thing its not bad but to see if your ready is a good thing as there may be workons to consider for yourself also.

I have counselled some humble people when it comes to marriage and when this part of the conversation comes up they have that much humility to say “thank you , i need more time to work on myself before im ready to pursue someone”.

Ive dealt with prideful people who say “na i think im ready” regardless of any serious concern brought to their attention or who say “na but i know myself and i know them , they are not like that”.

Thats okay thats your decision at the end of the day. Pride can only take you down instead of up.

Some opinions might be like “oh but were adults im sure we can do this alone” that is a very carnal or wordly mindset to have. Counselling and advice is not just for teenagers. There are some adults that still act like children.

Reasonable things right?

These things the leadership will want to address with you if you are in these because of the pain and damages it can bring. If you believe you may have some of these things and you want help in them before a relationship we will be more than happy to help you.

I have a saying “There is always safety in Patience”.

Family there will be people that will rise up and try and find loopholes to all the things ive mentioned so they can get their way. Dont copy them or think that their way of going about it has approval with the Lord. The ones who usually disagree with these points of wisdom are those who dont want to give up sexual intimacy , kissing , hand holding and enjoy having a relationship that the world approves of. Be careful of pride.

Most people that ive spoken to about realtionships over the years in the Lord and those in the World who still go on to kiss and spend unessacery unsafe time together have all fell victim to fornication and ruin their purity before God.

My job is just to direct you to be safe, to be pure in your relationship and give glory to God in your relationship.

Now talking about things like kissing earlier.

Ephesians 5:3 ESV

But sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints.

These things should not be named among you at all as believers.

1 Thessalonians 4:3–7 ESV

For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God; that no one transgress and wrong his brother in this matter, because the Lord is an avenger in all these things, as we told you beforehand and solemnly warned you. For God has not called us for impurity, but in holiness.

This passage shows that we should abstain or stay away from immorality all together and we should know how to control our bodies and not live in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God.

Now Kissing is not mentioned at all in the bible but that level of intimacy always opens doors to other things, again anyone i know that have began to kiss in their relationship have always ended up falling into fornication as its a gateway action.

For example: Gateway drugs like smoking weed always lead you to want to try other drugs.

Kissing starts then leads to touching and when you become so used to it you begin to want to try other things and go further into sexual conversations then you want to try the real thing.

Kissing should be a no go for believers as it will only do more damage than good and potentially open doors before marriage.

These things are to be shared only in marriage.

- Is there such thing as having a soul mate?

I think the common idea of “soul mate” is that everyone has someone who would be the perfect fit for them and if you dont marry your soul mate you married the wrong person.

Are there soul mates in the bible? no. Sometimes people even use soul mate as an excuse to divorce because they didnt marry their soul mate and thats why things didnt work out.

Mark 10:7–9 ESV

‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”

Whoever you got married to its what God has joined together, you have become one flesh , let no man seperate you. So biblically whoever you married is your soul mate.

Sometimes in a marriage things can get hard but that doesnt mean you are not soul mates, Marriage is something you grow more in along the way. The more you obey what the bible teaches about marriage the more stronger your marriage becomes.

If your marriage goes through trouble God can still bring healing, forgivenss and restore a marriage.

Question: Can you marry the wrong person?

Proverbs 3:5–6 ESV

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.

I believe yes we can marry the wrong person because if we dont listen to the Lord we can actually go in the wrong direction in any area of our life not just marriage. In a time of disobedience and lack of intimacy with God you can just get married for your desires and not actually consider the consequences of your decisions at the time.

But regardless God can still use that marriage and still turn things around , he is still very capable of doing that.

If we listen to the Lord and submit to him the Lord can open doors to the right person for you.

2 Corinthians 6:14–18 ESV

Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? What accord has Christ with Belial? Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever? What agreement has the temple of God with idols? For we are the temple of the living God; as God said, “I will make my dwelling among them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they shall be my people. Therefore go out from their midst, and be separate from them, says the Lord, and touch no unclean thing; then I will welcome you, and I will be a father to you, and you shall be sons and daughters to me, says the Lord Almighty.”

The person that we want to marry shouldnt be an unbeliever aswell.

Often times us as believers fantasize being married to someone that is an unbeliever.

We often make excuses in our mind aswell saying things like “i can bring them to Christ” or “i think im with them for a reason”.

Bible tells us to not be yoked with an unbeliever as you will not be on the same page and will only bring more pain that could lead to other things like divorce. Gods design for marriage is not to be married and some where along the line be divorced. God hates divorce as stated in Malachi chapter 2.

So steer away from the mindset or excuses of wanting to be married or in a relationship with an unbeliever.

- Are we supposed to look for a spouse? or should we wait on the Lord to reveal someone to you? (Recommended the Men pursue)

Now there has to be a balance between the two here.

Were not supposed to look everywhere and search with all our heart mind sould and strength for a spouse and we also shouldnt be so closed off to looking for one as if God is going to bring your spouse to you with 2 angels floating down from heaven.

Genesis 24:12–14 ESV

And he said, “O Lord, God of my master Abraham, please grant me success today and show steadfast love to my master Abraham. Behold, I am standing by the spring of water, and the daughters of the men of the city are coming out to draw water. Let the young woman to whom I shall say, ‘Please let down your jar that I may drink,’ and who shall say, ‘Drink, and I will water your camels’—let her be the one whom you have appointed for your servant Isaac. By this I shall know that you have shown steadfast love to my master.”

When it came to the time Isaac was to have a wife he took action according to the culture the parents looked for Isaacs wife and they had a servant go and bring his wife. The servant prayed on which one it was to be then later in the chapter Isaac got married to Rebekah.

So we see in this instance there is the cultural aspect in the Old testament of how they went about looking for a spouse which may be different to todays culture but there was still action and there was prayer involved which we still have to have today when it comes to marriage.

As a Christian if you believe you are now ready to look for a spouse you should begin with praying and committing yourself more to God. Psalm 37:4

Psalm 37:4 ESV

Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.

When you delight yourself in the Lord and are committed to him , that means you trust that God will direct you in the right path.

You should be also clear that when you are seeking a spouse that you should seek someone who fits the characteristics of a godly man or a godly woman.

To fall in love with someone then realise that they are not up to the biblical standard will only bring you pain.

My advice and this i believe is biblical also is that if you are wanting to get into the path of being married then i recommend it should be the male who pursues you.

When its the male then it shows all sorts of character already that lines up with the bible being a leader and decision making and knowing what he wants.

When its the woman pursuing it only shows desperation , impatience and a lack of control over feelings.

- Engagement in the Bible

In the bible when the Jews got engaged there were 3 steps involved. The families had to agree to the 2 being married and then they had to have a public announcement of their engagment. When it was announced that locked a couple in as engaged. After that they got married and moved in together.

So engagement in those times are kind of similar to engagment these days but in those times it was more serious compared to these days.

When a jewish couple were engaged in bible times they were already together through a contract and the only way the engagment was to be called off was if they divorced or one of them died.

These days its not as serious because engagements break when something happens like a big argument or some conflict.

So if we want to think biblically and do things according to its original design engagement should be also wanting to go all the way until marriage and it should make us think how serious it is when wanting to make this commitment.

Why is pre-marital counsel important.

Pre marital counselling is the pastors responsibility. Pastors are aware of the challenges of marriage and we want to help you all have successful marriages.

Titus 2:1–6 ESV

But as for you, teach what accords with sound doctrine. Older men are to be sober-minded, dignified, self-controlled, sound in faith, in love, and in steadfastness. Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled. Likewise, urge the younger men to be self-controlled.

Paul tells Titus what to teach the church and how to train each individual in the church.

So whoever wants to be married should have some biblical instruction and wisdom to help them.

Pre marital counselling will show people what the bible says on the matter rather than what the world says on the matter. Its a good way aswell to bring up some questions or to clear up things that are true and untrue about married life.

Conclusion with some Advice

If you want to someday get married dont go off and start dating but the first thing you should do is:

Pray - ask God to give you discernment, wisdom and self control and also ask the Lord to guide you to the right person.

Seek Advice - come to the pastors to give you advice on the steps to take when wanting to pursue someone.

Time - there is always safety in patience, give time to your feelings if you have someone in mind , if your feelings persist over a long period of time even a year and you believe its mutual then we can give counsel on how to pursue.

Courtship - If courtship begins then remember to have marriage in mind and also accountability.

Engagement - When it comes to engagement this shouldnt be left to long otherwise this can make you impatient and also leaves space for you to jump from one person to another.

Marriage - When engaged likewise , marriage shouldnt be left to long otherwise it would open doors to ruin your purity but during the engagement there should be a plan ready of how and when you will be married.

Amen.