How to Confront and Reconcile with Others
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Please turn to Matthew 5 vs 23… Matthew 5:23
Confrontation...
how do you react to that word?
I mentioned last week...
There seem to be 2 types of people when it comes to confrontation...
Avoiders....we avoid it and hope it goes away, but it never does. It makes it worse.
Embracers—and not just embracers—but the winners. I am going to win it.
And there’s probably people in between.
How you embrace conflict is probably going to affect how you react to these passages I am going to read from Jesus on the concepts of confrontation, reconciliation, and restoration in our relationships
Let me start in Matthew 5:23-26 (the words of Jesus)
Matthew 5:23–26 (NIV)
23 “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar (OT Imagery for worship) and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you,
24 leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.
25 “Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still together on the way, or your adversary may hand you over to the judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison.
26 Truly I tell you, you will not get out until you have paid the last penny.
Now, one more...
Matthew 18:15–20 (NIV)
15 “If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, (on social media) just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over.
16 But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’
17 If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.
18 “Truly I tell you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.
19 “Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven.
20 For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.”
so…how do we repair broken relationships?
or really what the Bible refers to as reconciliation?
the idea of reconciliation implies that there are at least 2 parties or people at odds, possibly enemies…and there is an issue that needs addressed so that they can at least be in relationship again, and restored so there is nothing between them.
OS: now before I highlight the 3 main steps in Matthew 18---steps 1, 2, 3. look at 2 prior steps—what I call Step A and B--
Step A: Begin forgiving the offender in your heart before God. (do this before you go face to face…)
now this is from last week…because the last 2 weeks we talked about grudges/bitterness as well as forgiveness.
25 And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.”
this is one aspect of forgiveness—that internal or attitudinal aspect…where even if we never see the person again or they don’t want to meet, God always calls us to forgive them—from the heart before Him.
we said forgiveness is choosing to absorb the debt, rather than making them pay. (on screen again). the NT’s primary word for forgiveness uses this debt language—forgive us our debts as we forgive our debters.
and when we forgive—we are choosing not to get even, make them pay or get vengeance--
to them face to face
or to others when they aren’t there
even in my own heart—I am not replaying the video of what they did
and in this—as I forgive...I am open to future reconciliation and restoration with the person.
this TAKES SUPERNATURAL HELP.
both a point and a process.
it’s granted before felt
but i call this step A...because if you have done this, it will enable you to go to the person in a much better frame of mind. you will actually go for their good. you will actually go for justice—not vengeance. you will actually go not to defend your honor or look down upon them—but you have been humbled by the Gospel and lifted up—because you are a child of God.
and you will go to glorify God.
Step B: Realize that reconciliation is always (whose move)…YOUR move. (5:23, 18:15)
23 “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you,
24 leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.
15 “If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over.
so whether someone has something against you—you are the offender…(Matthew 5)
or they have sinned and you or God has something against them—they are the offender… (Matthew 18)
we are called to go and make things right.
now, we can’t always know who has something against us...
if you are a leader—it may not always be possible to go to every person who has something against you
nor do we do this over every single minor offense.
11 A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.
but look at Romans 12:18...
18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.
we often think in the game of reconciliation, that it’s the offender’s move.
“They hurt me…they are responsible…It’s their fault…so they owe me an apology. They have to make the first move…they started it...”
but Jesus holds us to a higher standard—whether you are the offender or the offended…you are called to make the first move.
and there’s urgency—we are to do it he says while offering our gift at the altar (now that’s language we don’t use—that was pre-Jesus dying on the cross). I don’t think that literally means you have to stop right now and go—I mean unless the Spirit is calling you—but there’s urgency like Paul said “don’t let the sun go down on your anger.”
and now if you have done those 2 steps - A and B…we are now finally ready for step 1:
Step 1: Meet with the person 1 on 1. (Matt. 18:15)
15 “If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over.
look at this verse carefully...
notice—we go to our brother or sister—this is mainly talking about relationships with your Christian brother or sister. now, I think these are good principles to follow with someone who is not—but these especially apply to believers. (and remember—they are your brother or sister—family!)
notice—it’s if they sin. we are not talking about preferences—maybe we didn’t like a decision they made or wouldn’t have done something the same way—but it wasn’t sinful what they did—it was just different than what you did.
or maybe you can’t stand their personality. we all have people whose personality just bugs us. that’s not what it’s talking about here.
it’s talking about sin—against God--and for the most part, we are not talking about every single sin they have or that they do against us.
Remember Proverbs 19:11 (from earlier - don’t put on screen)
11 A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.
but we are talking about more major sin. the word for “point our their fault” means to rebuke, convict, expose. it’s a strong word.
1 Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted.
they are caught in a sin—they can’t get out...
and look at the purpose—go back to Matt. 18:15...—it is to win them over—that is restore them not just to you—if they sinned against you—but to God. we are going positively—
this is only possible if we have started internally forgiving them from the heart....
and we also go privately...
I believe we should go face to face if possible. don’t just text or call or even FaceTime or Zoom…try to go face to face.
now this is intimidating for us in our digital era. It’s uncomfortable for us. some of us even hate calling to order pizza on the phone—we would much rather order pizza on an app. it builds anxiety...
but go face to face—so much is communicated non-verbally—eye contact, tone, expression, body language...
I would also encourage you to go repeatedly. if the 1st mtg doesn’t work, or it’s especially difficult situation—it may require more mtgs 1 on 1.
now, this is the general rule. you may say—what if I was extremely hurt, or abused or a severe crime committed against me—yes it may be wise to take someone with you as part of step 1. if you have been abused I would encourage you to bring a mentor or friend or pastor or counselor with you.
but for most of our grievances—so much pain could be spared if we just followed step 1.
in fact, it is my prayer that step 1 is happening all the time in our church. why? because I want people to be sinned against or to sin? no because I want us to be people who seek reconciliation. who want people to not sin and be restore to Jesus. who people to be restored in community—full…blown…reconciliation. a culture of it! (healthy culture!)
but how many us never ever do step 1.....
i wonder…how many of us actually do this?
what keeps us from doing it? what do you think? (turn to your neighbor?)
#1 Fear—fear of the unknown. how will they react. maybe we are afraid of what they will think of ME.
#2 Vulnerability—I have to get pretty vulnerable with this—whether I admit I did something wrong, or I admit how that person really hurt me. it can be tough to be vulnerable
#3 Communication challenges—I have a hard time communicating when I get so emotional
#4 Afraid we will be labeled judgmental. or we think we are judging. but that takes Matthew 7 out of context. remember Jesus said judge not lest ye be judged. Jesus is not saying we can’t make judgments—we are called to make judgement without being judgmental or condescending. we take the log out of our eye—so we can see the speck in the other person’s eye. we do this out of love for the person—we confront and make judgments in love!
what keeps you from going?
and how would our church culture and community change if we just took Step 1?
you know, this may seem very minor, but even if you sense something is off relationally with someone else, might I suggest, do a check-in with them.
here’s what you can say: “Are we ok? Is something wrong?” “It may be just me..MAYBE I AM CRAZY…but is everything ok? are we ok?
you would be amazed at how just checking in—would avoid some things.
by the way I have been talking about from the perspective of you going to confront the offender.
what if you are the one being confronted? what then?
Listen carefully....don’t rush to defend yourself (that’s hard!)
ask good clarifying questions—try to put yourselves in their shoes.
be quick to apologize. even if you disagree…you have hurt the person. Be quick to say “I am sorry.” say that with me? some of the most powerful words. even if you feel like you are only 1% of the problem—own that 1%
“I am sorry....I was wrong...” “Please forgive me.” Some of the most powerful words!!
and usually—I have noticed this about conflict. so one mentor told me—there are 3 sides to the story—one side, the other side, and the real side. I bring this up because in a lot of conflict or hurt—there are usually somethings that both sides can confess and both sides can forgive.
“Reconciliation is best done by both repenting and forgiving—by both admitting your own wrong and pointing out the wrong of the other.” (Keller, Forgive book)
Step 2: Take 1 or 2 others along. (Matthew 18:16)
16 But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’
so you are expanding the circle of knowledge—still trying to keep it as private as possible…but it’s now taking another person or 2 along who can help in the process. sometimes it really helps to involve another wise leader or mentor in the problem.
one scholar says it like this:
“The one or two others have a dual function. On the one hand, they can help you refine your understanding of what happened and speak more persuasively. They can call you out if you are speaking excessively or unhelpfully. On the other hand, they can confirm to the perpetrator that he or she is truly in the wrong and that repentance is required. Two or three is more persuasive than one. To involve one or two others is in some ways a strategy for holding both parties accountable.”
Keller, Timothy. Forgive: Why Should I and How Can I? (p. 189). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.
Take someone wise with you. Maybe even encourage them to bring someone.
“You bring someone; I’ll bring someone.”
or agree together on a person or 2 who can both come. maybe a pastor or counselor or mentor or friend.
this can make a big difference to involve others who are not as personally affected.
3. Step 3: Tell it to the church. (Matt. 18:17)
17 If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.
so now, the circle is widening more. now the church community knows.
this is last resort. you have been trying to keep it private. you have done steps 1 and 2 multiple times.
telling it to the church may look different from church to church depending on the church gov’t.
for example, like in our church, we are governed by elders and church board who are elected and affirmed by the congregation. telling it to the church usually would just go to the elders (6 people) and church board (14 people).
if the situation was very public and involved the whole church in some matter—we may have to have a members only mtg, or a church wide meeting to deal with it. This is rare but that could happen.
other congregations might have a different church governing structure.
or maybe a combo of those.
the purpose in all of this is...
not to spread gossip or tattle.
but we are trying to get them to listen and grow and turn in repentance back to God first. (I have seen this before—and such mtgs are sober, tearful, and prayerful)
Hopefully, the offender realizes this is a wake up call and they need to confess their sin and repent before God.
they need to ask for forgiveness from someone else.
but if not…step 4
4. Step 4: View and treat them as a non-believer. (Matt. 18:17)
17 If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.
This doesn’t mean you shun them or avoid them.
or look down on them.
but how did Jesus treat and view tax collectors and pagans…he loved them, pursued them…he wanted them to know God.
he was desperate for that.
the entire purpose of this confrontation is so they can be won back to God and restored in relationship with you.
now, i know there could be hundreds of questions—it is possible that if the sin has affected the entire church and has been very divisive—it may be wise that that person may be asked not to come back for the foreseeable future (that’s rare but possible).
at one church I was at—the sin was very public, involved breaking the law, and the person faced some serious consequences before the law—and because we deemed them a safety to our people, especially our children, we asked that they not attend. (that’s rare—but possible)
or maybe if someone is very divisive we may say don’t come back until we can reconcile.
but most of the time we are pursuing the person, trying to persuade them to return.
and then look at what Jesus says:
18 “Truly I tell you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.
that same language was used of what Jesus told Peter—when he said he would build his church on Peter and give him the keys of the kingdom of heaven. (chapter 16)
why does Jesus say it here?
He is reminding the church—and us—that these kinds of situations are tough! When we act on them humbly, courageously, dependently on the Spirit—you can be assured, church family, that heaven is behind you—God is behind you. the authority of God is behind you—not in a top down way—but be encouraged. God is working through the messiness of this confrontation.
and then Jesus says this:
19 “Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven.
20 For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.”
we usually quote this out of context...
and it is true that God is always among His people who gather...
but here—it’s in this context of trying to correct one another, confront one another, reconcile, even do church discipline—we can be sure that if we are seeking God in this—God is with us. so be encouraged!
I want to end today’s sermon by taking communion or the Lord’s Supper together.
I want to invite the ushers forward—if you did not get any elements, please feel free to raise you hand.
you don’t have to be a member here or regular attender to partake.
as long as Jesus is your Savior, Lord, and Treasure, you are encouraged.
parents, we leave it up to you to decide what to do.
I believe communion is a great way to respond. (it’s both vertical with God and horizontal with others)
why? because Jesus gave us this ordinance to remember Him and what He did to reconcile us to Himself.
The Bible is one big story of reconciliation.
We have turned our backs on the God who made us and loves us. We have each gone astray and sinned. Adam and Eve started it…and were kicked out.
we chose to be God’s enemies—thinking we knew better than our Creator.
but God---what did He do…He pursued us...
He came after us...
He loved us…He made a people for Himself in the OT
no matter how much in the OT, God’s people sinned, though He brought appropriate judgment, He always pursued them and loved them through it.
and now, we here on this side of the NT see that love even more through Jesus Christ and what He did for us.
18 All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation:
19 that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation.
or
22 But now he has reconciled you by Christ’s physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation—
Only the Gospel of Jesus Christ can help in reconciliation. why?
it humbles you - it reminds you that before the cross, you, too are a sinner, undeserving of God’s mercy and grace. that God pursued you—He initiated the entire story of reconciliation so you could be His beloved child. Only truly humble people can engage in this reconciliation and confrontation process because they realize what it took for them to be saved and reconciled to God. Jesus had to die
and the Gospel elevates you. it affirms you that you are dearly loved by God. you are a child of God—whom God sent His Son -so you could be His child. you don’t have to be defensive when confronted; you don’t have to have the offender have the last word—God has the last word. What He says matters. He was glad to die...
this helps with our bitterness...
this helps us forgive internally from the heart before God
this helps us to go and confront and seek to win them over. to pursue them—because Jesus pursued us.
23 For I received from the Lord what I also passed on to you: The Lord Jesus, on the night he was betrayed, took bread,
24 and when he had given thanks, he broke it and said, “This is my body, which is for you; do this in remembrance of me.”
25 In the same way, after supper he took the cup, saying, “This cup is the new covenant in my blood; do this, whenever you drink it, in remembrance of me.”
26 For whenever you eat this bread and drink this cup, you proclaim the Lord’s death until he comes.
take a moment first of all—and consider…is there someone God is calling me to make things right?
Maybe I have sinned against them—and need to go and apologize…maybe they have sinned against God and me…and I need to share how it affected me. pray about that. and pray for that person or people and situation
take sometime to confess and repent....any sin
take sometime to praise God for His reconciliation
