Excellence in Marriage

How many of you make New Year’s resolutions? The problem I find with New Year’s resolutions is that often times people either are too vague or they set unrealistic expectations. That’s why 88% of people who set them fail before the end of January. There’s nothing wrong with having goals. You should have them but make sure those goals are actually attainable. What drives these resolutions is usually a desire for excellence in some area of life. Something is not going the way we want, so we resolve to change it.

In the weeks leading up to the holidays, we were walking through 1 Peter. We had just finished chapter two before Zoe was born and I took a couple weeks off. In the middle of the chapter, after describing the church as a spiritual house, he calls readers to live a life of excellence. They are strangers in foreign lands. They are not native residents of the places they live. They find themselves among different cultures and rules that don’t play favorably to Christians. Though they may be persecuted, they (and we) are called to be people of excellence.

Peter provides a few examples of what being a people of excellence looks like. The first was that all believers in Christ are subject to governing authorities. If we are to live godly lives, we must submit to governing authorities, even if they do not align with biblical values. While we have had the pleasure of living in a free country where the government has been in loser alignment with biblical values, today is a different story. Just because the government strays from biblical values does not give us permission to break laws that don’t impede our right to exercise our religion. We can’t refuse to pay taxes just because the government wastes tax dollars. We can’t steal because inflation caused the price of eggs to skyrocket. God expects us to be model citizens.

The second example was that of submission of slaves to their masters. We talked that there are two common interpretations to the word slave. One is the one you and I are most associated with when we think about the slave trade and its abolishment. The other is that of servants in a master’s home. The context of this passage refers to the latter. These would be like butlers or maids who lived in the master’s house. Whether the master treated them poorly or not, those who were under the authority of another were called to be model servants, looking to Christ as their model. The message was to trust God, do your work, and hope for deliverance.

In following that theme, we arrive at the next example in being a people of excellence.

1 Peter 3:1–7 NASB95

In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior. Your adornment must not be merely external—braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God. For in this way in former times the holy women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands; just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear. You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.

We are five days into the new year. Let’s see how much trouble I can get in before the service is over! All kidding aside, there are some valuable principles that we can all learn as we look at this example of living with excellence.

The first thing I want you to realize is that God is a God of order, not chaos. In every one of these examples, one is called to live in submission to another. Everyone has an authority above them. As God is a God of order, there is naturally a hierarchy to authority. Of course we are all accountable to God, but in the examples presented here we see governments are accountable to God. Citizens are accountable to governments. Servants are accountable to their masters. Wives are accountable to their husbands.

I know this is an unpopular idea in this day and age, but this is the standard God has ordained. It is in our human nature to reject this standard. Here is what I want us to understand though. In no way is God claiming wives are inferior to their husbands. Rather, this is about realm of responsibility. God has ordained that husbands lead with excellence in their homes. Note the husbands in this passage are called to live with their wives in an understanding way. Paul calls husbands in Ephesians 5:25,

Ephesians 5:25 NASB95

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her,

Husbands are not called to be authoritarians. They are called to sacrificial service, but more on that later. The purpose here is to see God has established a hierarchy of leadership. But within that hierarchy of leadership, there is much to learn about excellence in those roles.

What we are going to see today is that whether one is a husband or wife, or not married at all, there is something God is saying to every reader.

Our conduct is an important component of our witness.

We see this principle being played out in every relationship in chapter two and here in chapter three. Here, the wife, who is called to submission to her husband, does so for the sake of her husband. Did you catch that? My hope for you ladies that are married is you have had a fine example of godly leadership set by your husband. I know he’s not perfect. He knows he’s not perfect. But I hope that when you sit across from him at the table at lunch today, you see a man who loves God and leads well.

But I also know that is not the reality for some of you. It is not to say that your husband is a bad person, but perhaps your husband has not been the godly leader God has called him to be. What Peter is saying here is that your conduct has the power to win over your husband without saying a word.

Ladies, have you tried to argue change into your husband? How has that gone for you? You know as well as I do that arguing your way to change in your husband is wasted energy. God has a different tactic: Be a model wife. When your actions speak louder than you do, and you provide the example of godliness your husband needs, God uses that conduct as an important component of your witness.

If the husband is disobedient, or not a follower, the wife’s godly conduct becomes conviction for the husband so that he might be won to the faith. Do you see that there? When godliness is demonstrated in the face of those who are hostile toward it, there is a way God uses that to soften their heart. There is a great example of this in the movie Fireproof. That movie gets a lot of criticism for the way in which things are presented, but it does a good job of illustrating this point. In the movie’s case, it is the opposite. The husband is the one who has acted horribly and his marriage is on the brink of divorce. His father challenges him to go home, love and serve his wife. She is resistant at first, but his persistent service begins to turn her around and their relationship is rekindled.

Ladies, serve your husbands well. Husbands, die to self in service to your wife. But notice the pattern here. The citizen is called to be a model citizen regardless of the behavior of the government. The servant is called to be a model servant regardless of the behavior of the master. The wife is called to service regardless of the behavior of the husband.

Our character, no matter to what or to whom we are subject to, is an important component of our witness. If you want to win people to the kingdom, worry less about what you say and more about serving them well consistently over time while speaking the truth to them. Your godly conduct will win them over in time.

Our value comes from character, not external factors.

The wives in verse three are given a curious command that has led to a bunch of interpretations. There is a command not to adorn themselves with jewelry, dresses, and braided hair. So ladies, if you are here today with any of the above, we are calling you to repentance and cast down your idols today (just kidding)! But let’s talk about what this means. Is it a sin to wear dresses, jewelry, or braided hair? How are we supposed to understand what Peter is saying?

Our common sense might suggest there is more than meets the eye here. After all, how many of you abide by this? Remember that context is important. There are social and cultural contexts at play here, where braided hair, gold jewelry, and wearing dresses meant something different. In the cultural context of the day, women were encouraged to dress modestly. Peter’s command and Paul’s command in 1 Timothy 2:9-10 are in line with cultural expectations for women at the time. This statement would not come as a shock to his readers. Whether male or female, one should not spend an excessive amount of money and time on their outward appearance. Rather, we should find our value in character.

To prove his point, Peter appeals to the example of Sarah, who submitted herself to her husband Abraham. Now Abraham and Sarah’s relationship was not perfect, but Sarah was submissive to her husband’s leadership. But what I want you to see is that Sarah was not submissive because she believed her husband was superior to her. She submitted to her husband’s leadership because she believed it pleased God. Verse five says that women like Sarah hoped in God. That’s what they were banking on. That drove their actions. Their value was in their relationship with God, not in how they could make themselves look. Beauty fades, but the beauty of a woman who fears God is forever.

But what about those of us who are not wives? The real beauty and value of a follower of Christ is not what we can put on the outside. It is the character God is developing on the inside as we submit first to his authority, and then to every other human institution. When Samuel was looking for God’s next king after Saul, he went to the house of Jesse. He sized up all of Jesse’s sins and none of them fit the bill. Samuel didn’t understand. They all looked like kingly material, but God was looking for something else. David is God’s chosen king because he had the heart God wanted, not the external factors Samuel was looking for. God says in 1 Samuel 16:7,

1 Samuel 16:7 NASB95

But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look at his appearance or at the height of his stature, because I have rejected him; for God sees not as man sees, for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”

God cares about our character. Your godly character is what makes you valuable. If you are going to invest time and energy into something valuable, invest it into your own character development.

So how do we apply these principles in our own lives?

For those of us who are married, we must lead out in service to our spouses. If we want excellence in our marriages, it begins with submission to God’s authority and then to the relationship. Wives, subject yourselves to your husbands, but not unconditionally. You are not a slave. If you have a husband who will not lead in a godly manner, you must. Godly leadership needs to be represented in the home. But as you lead, you must be careful not to lead to overstep his God given authority, but to call out of him what God has already placed in him. Lead with the intent to build up courage for him to step into that role.

Husbands, there is nothing you can give your lives to that can be more meaningful than the wife God has given you. Love her and cherish her. Sacrifice for her. Fight for her. The sin of Adam was passivity in the garden. We still fight that every day. Passivity in marriage will not lead to excellence in marriage. Lead with courage. You can do this!

This verse was written to the whole church in Rome, but the principle applies in marriage as well.

Romans 12:10 NASB95

Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor;

Love well. Serve well. The key is to be willing to die to self and place your hope in God for all the things you are trying to gain yourself.

Whether you are married or not, the greatest investment you can make is not in bitcoin, the stock market, real estate, or anything else, but in your own character development. Remember, a person who fears God is more beautiful than anything they can put on. Wearing nice things is not a sin unless your motive for doing so is self serving.

It has been said before every person needs a Paul and a Timothy in life. Paul was Timothy’s mentor. Every person should have one. Ask yourself this: who is where I want to be, or who is somebody I want to be like? Then go ask that person to be your mentor. If they say no, find another and ask them. But get you a mentor! I have had several over the last 20 years and I still have them.

But also be ready to be asked! Believe it or not, you have something to offer! Make yourself available, but also don’t wait to be asked! The greatest coaches and mentors didn’t wait to get asked to be mentors. They saw something in someone else, approached them, and said, “Let me show you what you can be capable of.” The idea is proximity. Be close to the person you want to be like and watch God do wonders on your character.