What is Gossip? + Talking About Someone Behind Their Back?

The Question

Good evening everyone. Welcome back to Beyond. As we look forward to a new year we are going to be taking a pause for a few weeks from Romans so we can answer the questions you wrote out for our question jar.

Tonight we are answering the question: What is the difference between gossip and simply talking about someone else who isn’t present? What does the Bible say about this topic?

An important question indeed.

Usually when we think of gossip, we think:

“talking about others behind their backs and spreading rumors, slander, lying about another’s character.”

I guarantee most of us have seen this at some point.

When I was a wee lad, my siblings and I would go out and play with the neighborhood kids. Most of us we home-schooled so we hung out a lot, playing make believe, and then basketball, and 4 square and such. After a while (and some miscommunications), there was conflict between the kids/families. This went on for a while, I made quite a few mistakes during this time, I did not know how to deal with my emotions and such, but one of the kids I was closer to told me about how the families would meet together and talk about me. As soon as I heard him say that it was like someone punched me in the stomach. There was a lot of hurt.

Some of you might be able to relate to that feeling.

But how does God see this?

Let’s take some time to pray before we begin.

Gossip in the Bible

I took some time to look up where gossip, or the word: Tale-bearing/slander is mentioned throughout the Bible.

So we will look at the verses, share some stories, and then ask what God would have us do.

Exodus 23:1 ESV

“You shall not spread a false report. You shall not join hands with a wicked man to be a malicious witness.

We see in the Law: we shall not spread a false report. So if we know something is not true about someone else, we should not share it to others.

That sounds easy, but there are ways that can manifest.

Let me share a story where I partook in this without realizing it.

It was the start of a new semester, and there were new students who had arrived for the spring. I was attending a Christian college, and there was a new girl who got up and introduced herself. When asked why she wanted to be there, she said about wanting to debate with the Bible.

When I heard her say this I immediately assumed she was there to critique and analyze the bible for debate purposes.

Later that day I had heard either her or someone else say something to the effect of her being interested in learning the book of Mormon.

Now after a few days of being there, I assumed I knew the whole situation by thinking she was a Mormon girl who sought to debate against the Bible. I began to share with the other guys that this girl was Mormon and was out to learn how to debate with Christians.

I messed up big time. Other people started believing this and sharing it with others on the campus. Later I found out that I had never really confirmed with her if this was true or not. So I was spreading information based on assumptions that were probably false! I know she didn’t end up returning, I don’t know why. But I do know I affected how part of the community perceived her.

The warning from this story is this. Assuming something to be true about someone else and sharing it like that can also be the same as bearing a false report.

Leviticus 19:16 ESV

You shall not go around as a slanderer among your people, and you shall not stand up against the life of your neighbor: I am the Lord.

Proverbs 11:13 ESV

Whoever goes about slandering reveals secrets, but he who is trustworthy in spirit keeps a thing covered.

Are we keeping things secret that are supposed to be secret. Are we telling people we know about others shortcomings or failures? Do we build up or tear down? What is the intention?

Proverbs 16:28 ESV

A dishonest man spreads strife, and a whisperer separates close friends.

Oh this one is so true. I have seen it first hand.

When I lived in Georgia I joined a friend group of 8 or 9 fun people. We hung out multiple times a week, had a text chat, met up at church, and would share what’s been going on in our lives. Eventually there was some differences that came out between members of this group. Instead of coming together to talk about how to solve the problem and get resolved. Those two began talking to the others in the group about the situation. They sought for “counsel”.

What ended up happening was this downward spiral.

The two in conflict, didn’t come together to chat, but continued to build tension by having others who didn’t need to get involved get involved and share the “hurt”.

Eventually people started being cut out of the group because of joining the other person’s side, or because of exclusion with stopping communication because of unaddressed hurt.

What happened?

During the “counsel” sessions, the hurt individual would share with others, who were not involved about the situation, and the assumptions began. “Oh Brad must have done that because of this...”

“That would make sense because he also does this...”

The narrative is built, and people buy into it.

All of a sudden half a dozen people are invested in a conflict that has nothing to do with them, and it has completely destroyed the reputation of the other party.

Whispers of situations and conflicts with people who don’t need to be involved can make the situation worse. Especially when it’s half a dozen people who just want to speculate the “Why’s”

How is conflict to be resolved then?

Proverbs 26:22 ESV

The words of a whisperer are like delicious morsels; they go down into the inner parts of the body.

Gossip is attractive. Who doesn’t like to vent and info dump about tough situations and tough people rather then confront the issue.

Who doesn’t like to feel like they are helping by simply listening and adding assumptions to the fire.

So what is gossip?

John Piper puts it this way:

Derogatory information about someone that you have that is shared with others in a tone of confidentiality, that is not motivated by doing good to them, and that you are enjoying in a way that shows your heart is not humble. - John Piper

Convicting, and I’ve done just that so many times in my life. Maybe you have too.

So what can we do?

The Way Christ Calls us to Live

If there has been anyone who has been slandered against and gossiped against more then anyone else it’s Jesus Christ.

Yet, He died on the cross for those people who spoke against Him. All people who have sinned against Him.

He took the punishment we deserve, death. We all deserve eternal death. But Christ paid the price. He took our place. He died, was buried, but then rose again.

And He has called for us to repent and believe in Him. Living life as He did.

So how do we know the difference between gossip and simply talking about others behind their back.

Let’s start in the Bible again.

Ephesians 4:29 ESV

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

Ephesians 4:31–32 ESV

Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

Are the ways we are speaking about others, even those who have wronged us, showing the love and grace that Christ has shown us?

I know, it’s not easy. We are going to need help. God’s help. But He can and will Help, if we simply ask.

So what then? We don’t go to anyone for counsel? We don’t ask anyone for help if we are not in a good situation?

It’s not wrong to ask for counsel, when the counsel aligns with God’s counsel. And it’s not bad to give counsel, when the counsel you give is God’s counsel.

What is His counsel?

The short version is found in Proverbs 25:9

Proverbs 25:9 ESV

Argue your case with your neighbor himself, and do not reveal another’s secret,

Go to the person who has hurt you, or go with someone else to that person. Not to yell at them and scream at them about the situation. But to share your hurt in gentleness, and seek peace in love.

It’s hard. There have been times I did not want to do that. But God has taught me things everytime.

Matthew 18:15–20 ESV

“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector. Truly, I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven. Again I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them.”

This is God’s counsel. And if you are young and have conflict with someone much older then you, bring someone else who is older to come along with you to mediate.

So let me ask you this, is there conflict in your life you have not given to God?

Will you listen to His counsel? Will you give His counsel?

Here is another question I want to address before we close. How should we react if we are in an environment where someone begins to gossip?

If it’s in a group, consider remaining out of conversation and then talking to the initiator later about the problem in a loving way. Maybe you can go with them to talk to the person they are in conflict with?

If it’s someone who begins gossiping in conversation with you, maybe ask them if they would like you to join them in talking to the individual they are talking about.

There might be some situations where silence.

If you have any questions about any of this please feel free to ask afterwards to any of the leaders. We would love to chat with you.