Sharpening Friendships
A Walk In Proverbs • Sermon • Submitted • Presented
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Transcript
Introduction
Introduction
Friendship is a part of life that eludes so many people. I remember growing up constantly hearing, “If you can find one good friend in life, consider yourself blessed.” Those words, though they might be true, can be soul-crushing for some. At present there are over eight billion people in the world. And that idea of being blessed to find one good—one true—friend out of the eight billion people, seems harder to do than finding a needle in a haystack.
The truth is that it used to be much easier for previous generations to forge those friendships than in the present generation. Digital connectivity has made physical and emotional connectivity exponentially more difficult. As Jonathan Haidt, a sociologist and professor at NYU, wrote, “Time with friends began decreasing for young people in the 2000s, but the drop accelerated in the 2010s, while it barely changed for older people. By 2019, young people’s time with friends had dropped to just 67 minutes a day. It turns out that Gen Z had been socially distancing for many years and had mostly completed the project by the time COVID-19 struck.” (“Stop the Phone-Based Childhood Now”). He goes on to speak to the issue that, because Gen Z grew up online, they were connected to dozens of interactions changing relationships to being broad but not deep. On top of that, one’s reputation is always on the line, and so no one will post something that will endanger that reputation. “These communications thus tend to be more performative and anxiety-inducing than one-to-one conversations,” Haidt wrote. He continued, “[R]eal world interactions usually take place within communities that have a high bar for entry and exit, so people are strongly motivated to invest in relationships and repair rifts when they happen. But in many virtual networks, people can easily block others or quit when they are displeased. Relationships within such networks are usually more disposable.” And because Gen Z and now Alpha have grown up learning this, it is no longer just digital relationships that get canceled, but physical ones as well.
Our society has a problem. It’s a connection problem. Not an internet connection, but an interpersonal connection. Sociologist Brené Brown wrote, “Connection is why we’re here. We are hardwired to connect with others, it’s what gives purpose and meaning to our lives, and without it there is suffering” (Daring Greatly).
Everyone knows that we need friendship and yet so few of us know how to get it or what it really even means. C. S. Lewis helps us in that as he shows that friendship is different than any other relationship. He wrote, “Friendship is born at the moment when one man says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one’” (The Four Loves). In other words, friendship is a love based in commonality. We have something in common. When we were kids, we might see someone playing on the swings and go to them and ask, “Will you be my friend?” And they’d say sure and we’d start playing. But even as kids, we’d soon find out that if we didn’t have the same games in mind, friendship had no place to root itself. That’s why adults don’t go up to other adults and say, “Will you be my friend?” They develop when a common passion reveals itself. When friendship does find that passion, we find what Solomon says about friendship to be true,
A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.
As we open up Proverbs this morning, we are looking at Solomon’s wisdom regarding friendship. In the five main verses of our text we see that Solomon shares three insights about true friendship. The first is that a true friend will help you. The second though is that a true friend will hurt you. Thirdly, a true friend will hone you.
A True Friend Helps You
A True Friend Hurts You
A True Friend Hones You
Better is open rebuke than hidden love.
Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy.
Oil and perfume make the heart glad, and the sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel.
Do not forsake your friend and your father’s friend, and do not go to your brother’s house in the day of your calamity. Better is a neighbor who is near than a brother who is far away.
Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.
A True Friend Helps You
A True Friend Helps You
The first insight that we’re looking at comes out of Proverbs 27:9-10: a true friend helps you. This is what we typically think of when we think of friendship. They are there to help me.
Oil and perfume make the heart glad, and the sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel.
Do not forsake your friend and your father’s friend, and do not go to your brother’s house in the day of your calamity. Better is a neighbor who is near than a brother who is far away.
Solomon wrote that a friend loves at all times. And by that, he meant in all seasons of life. When life is going well, he/she makes it all the sweeter, like we see in verse nine. When life is difficult and you’re in need, a friend is there to help bear the burden, like we see in verse 10. We live in a different environment that those in Biblical days. With the invention of the automobile and airplane, we have the ability to move far from where we grew up. It takes courage to do that, but not much effort. In Biblical days, they rarely strayed far from their hometowns. In fact, Solomon even says that it is wise not to do so. Do not forsake your friend and your father’s friend. In other words, don’t leave them behind. He says
Like a bird that strays from its nest is a man who strays from his home.
There was and is a danger when moving far from family and friends. But then he says that when we are in need, we go to friends rather than family. “A brother who is far away,” may only be a few miles in Solomon’s day. Have you ever stopped to think about why you might go to a friend and not a brother? It’s more than just distance.
Remember how I said earlier that friendships are unique. They are built on commonality—similar passions. Brothers rarely have the same passions. In fact, Solomon wrote about it in chapter 17. We’ve already read the verse, but let’s go back to it.
A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.
These are parallels of opposites. If you’ve ever had siblings, you probably know the adversity that comes with it. Siblings will often give you grief and make life much more difficult. A brother will often focus on the failure while a friend helps you focus on the solution. It’s not that the brother or sister won’t help, but they also probably won’t let you forget it while their helping (and maybe ever). “You know, if you had just _______, this never would have happened.” “I already had to bail you out of this mess once, now you want me to do it again? When will you ever learn?”
A friend, who has the same passion as you, will passionately help. We see this in the life of David and Jonathan. When we think of biblical friendships, it is hard not to think of these two. If we stop and think of David as a young man, we first meet him at his anointing with Samuel. Samuel had gone to Bethlehem to anoint a new king. God led him to Jesse, David’s father’s, house. He went through seven of Jesse’s sons, but the Lord kept passing over each. Samuel asked if he had anymore, and Jesse answered there was one in the fields watching his sheep. By his family’s standards, he wasn’t much. We see it again, when he goes to the battlefront and his oldest brother mocks him.
Now Eliab his eldest brother heard when he spoke to the men. And Eliab’s anger was kindled against David, and he said, “Why have you come down? And with whom have you left those few sheep in the wilderness? I know your presumption and the evil of your heart, for you have come down to see the battle.”
And David said, “What have I done now? Was it not but a word?”
Jonathan, however, treats him much differently. We don’t have time to go into the story, but let’s look at how this friendship began:
As soon as he had finished speaking to Saul, the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul.
If friendship is born by commonality, then what drew these two men together? It seems to me that it was a passion for the good of Israel and the glory of God. The friendship was born as Jonathan heard David talk to his father, the king, having just defeated Goliath, the giant. We know that Jonathan was a mighty warrior just as David was. We know that Saul was a coward and would not face Goliath himself, but hid in his tent. Was there something there? Perhaps.
When David was in trouble, he did not rely on his brothers, but he did rely on Jonathan. Jonathan was always there for him, even when it meant that Jonathan would not take the place of Saul when he died. Friendship with David was worth giving up his own kingdom in order to help his friend’s kingdom emerge. The same is true for us; except let’s replace the word kingdom with the word “life.” Jesus attests that this is true.
Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.
That being said, let me give a word of warning to those who develop such friendships. Boundaries need to be kept.
If you have found honey, eat only enough for you, lest you have your fill of it and vomit it.
Let your foot be seldom in your neighbor’s house, lest he have his fill of you and hate you.
Too much of a good thing can ruin it for you and for your friend. It is a joke at Highland View that I do not like pineapple. That is because, as a child, I ate so much of it, I got sick and threw it all up. Now I hate pineapple. I cannot stand the smell or taste of it. The sweetness of friendship needs to be moderated lest you get sick of your own friend. And vice-versa. Being together all the time can cause your friend to become sick of you. Solomon wrote that just like you can have your fill of honey and vomit it out, so your friend can have their fill of you and vomit/hate you. Take care to set boundaries.
A True Friend Hurts You
A True Friend Hurts You
The first insight that Solomon gives is that a true, loving friend helps you. The second is that a true, loving friend hurts you? This sounds counter intuitive to the first point. The difference lies in why one would hurt a person. An enemy hurts out of retribution, vengeance, anger, pain, or some other evil intent. A friend, however, hurts in order to teach or protect (even from ourselves). The motive behind the painful encounter is love, not malice.
I could go back to David and Jonathan, when Jonathan made David leave the royal palace for his own safety. It was heartbreaking for David, but it was to protect him from Saul and David himself.
But I do believe that no one shows this kind of friendship in the Old Testament better than Nathan. Nathan was one of King David’s friends and advisors. He was also one of God’s prophets. You probably know of David’s major sins regarding Bathsheba and Uriah, her husband. David saw Bathsheba taking a bath on her roof and had her brought into his bedroom. When he heard that she was pregnant with his child, he summoned Uriah from the front lines of battle and tried to get him to go home for the few nights he was in town, hoping that one thing would lead to another and so cover up his “indiscretion.” Uriah refused to go home; he refused to sleep in comfort or enjoy the company of his wife while his men were in battle. In that, he stood in contrast with David who also should have been leading the battle, but instead was home in his palace enjoying nights with another man’s wife. Of course, we know that David then sent Uriah back to the battle and ordered the army to fall back leaving Uriah alone to die at the hands of an enemy.
We would be foolish to think that no one knew what was going on. If no one else did, the Joab the commander of David’s army who received his orders knew that his king deliberately caused the death of a good soldier. Remember, David is not a true friend here. The true friend has yet to enter into the story.
God sends in Nathan to confront David. What would you do, if you were Nathan? You’re David’s friend. You’re on his side. He’s your king. He just murdered a guy who opposed him and showed him up. What would you do?
Nathan went to David and confronted him. Notice though how he did it. Look in 2 Samuel 12:1-4
And the Lord sent Nathan to David. He came to him and said to him, “There were two men in a certain city, the one rich and the other poor. The rich man had very many flocks and herds, but the poor man had nothing but one little ewe lamb, which he had bought. And he brought it up, and it grew up with him and with his children. It used to eat of his morsel and drink from his cup and lie in his arms, and it was like a daughter to him. Now there came a traveler to the rich man, and he was unwilling to take one of his own flock or herd to prepare for the guest who had come to him, but he took the poor man’s lamb and prepared it for the man who had come to him.”
He told him a story, a parable. Nathan didn’t come barging in, wagging a finger, and lecturing his friend. Instead, he entered his presence in humility and love. This story was not only meant to enrage David against whoever murdered the lamb. It was designed to disarm David, leaving him defenseless. Before Nathan could wound, he must disarm. So he tells him this story so that David makes an unbiased judgment against the thief and murderer. And when he rules in judgment, he hears Nathan say, “You are that man.” He doesn’t stop there. Nathan goes on to tell David all the consequences that will come along with his infidelity and murder. Evil will befall David’s household. Though David did his act in secret, the entire city would see his neighbor take his wives into a tent.
It was as if David wanted Nathan to stop declaring judgment, and so he repented. But Nathan had more rebuke to give. David’s child would die. Can you imagine how Nathan felt in that moment that he had to tell his friend, his king, all of those heart-breaking rebukes. The writer of 2 Samuel ended with, “then Nathan when to his house.” I’m sure he went wounded himself having to wound his friend. We know David was hurting by his repentance. Not the short verse in 2 Samuel, but the prayer of Psalm 51.
In Psalm 51:8 “Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones that you have broken rejoice.” The bones that you have broken. That confrontation broke David. The rebuke was excruciating. But Nathan had to do it.
Better is open rebuke than hidden love.
Hidden love is unhelpful. In fact, it is unloving altogether. In our culture, an open rebuke is considered unloving. But in God’s sight, the hidden love makes you more of an enemy than a friend.
Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy.
A friend—a true friend—is called to wound when necessary. He is fulfilling his duties as a friend. Faithful are the wounds of a friend. That’s the friend you can trust: the one who loves you enough to confront you when you’re in the wrong.
Your enemy likes to keep you close. You’ve heard that saying, “keep your friends close and your enemies closer.” That was Sun Tzu’s advice from the 8th century. It has served many an enemy. An enemy will shower you with kisses. He will flatter you. He will spoil you. He will tell you exactly what you want to hear and not what you need to hear. His kisses are profuse. He wants you to keep going in the direction that you’re going. As Napoleon said, “When your enemy is making a mistake, don’t interrupt him.” A friend interrupts the wrong, but a foe indulges it.
So let me ask, have you surrounded yourself with foes or friends? Stop and think about who you consider your friends—especially close friends who regularly speak into your life. Have you given into the desire to always be right and having yes-people around to bolster your pride and self-esteem, or have you surrounded you with friends who will confront you with godly love in hopes of stopping you from making an ungodly mistake or call you to repentance when you have?
A True Friend Hones You
A True Friend Hones You
A true, loving friend not only helps you, not only hurts you, but a true, loving friend hones you as well.
Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.
The actual Hebrew word here translated as “another,” quite literally means “neighbor” or “friend.” In fact, the literal translation of the verse is, “Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens the face of his friend.” This might sound a bit strange to us today, but when we find out that in ancient Israel the broad side of the sword is called it’s face, it makes much more sense. In other words, a friend sees the rough edges of his/her friends and seeks to smooth them out. Elihu was one such friend.
If you’re familiar with the book of Job, you probably remember that just about every calamity known to man came upon Job in a matter of days. He lost his children, his wealth, his status, and then his health. On top of all that, his wife was embittered toward him and God. Job responds well, initially.
Then Job arose and tore his robe and shaved his head and fell on the ground and worshiped.
And he said, “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.”
He sits in the dust and mourns. His friends come and sit with him for seven days straight. When those seven days were over, three of his friends unleash all their thoughts on Job. He must have done something wrong. His children must have done something wrong. Blah. Blah. Blah. To each of these accusations, Job denies and defends himself. And then Job begins, in all his rawness, to ask God questions and accuse God of injustice.
Are your days as the days of man, or your years as a man’s years,
that you seek out my iniquity and search for my sin,
although you know that I am not guilty, and there is none to deliver out of your hand?
The toll of his friends’ accusations became apparent. Job is hurting. He is angry. And as far as he can tell he’s done nothing wrong, but God is picking on him. That feeling just gets worse. He’s battling against the devil. He’s battling against his friends. He’s battling against his wife. He’s, in some ways, battling against the Lord. And his edges are getting cracked and curled and burred. Someone needs to step in and hone the weapon of his words and thoughts. In steps his final friend, Elihu. Don’t get me wrong: Elihu is not perfect. But what he says helps to hone the face of Job and his three friends.
So these three men ceased to answer Job, because he was righteous in his own eyes.
Then Elihu the son of Barachel the Buzite, of the family of Ram, burned with anger. He burned with anger at Job because he justified himself rather than God.
He burned with anger also at Job’s three friends because they had found no answer, although they had declared Job to be in the wrong.
And then he went on for the next five chapters explaining to Job and the others what God is about. I’ll use the end of chapter 33 to summarize.
“Behold, God does all these things, twice, three times, with a man,
to bring back his soul from the pit, that he may be lighted with the light of life.
Pay attention, O Job, listen to me; be silent, and I will speak.
If you have any words, answer me; speak, for I desire to justify you.
If not, listen to me; be silent, and I will teach you wisdom.”
In the words of John Piper, “the suffering of the righteous is not a token of God's enmity but of his love. It is not a punishment of their sins but a refinement of their righteousness. It is not a preparation for destruction, but a protection from destruction” (“Job: Rebuked in Suffering”).
God himself then speaks to Job before Job could respond to Elihu, and having been honed by Elihu and polished by God, Job repents.
‘Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?’ Therefore I have uttered what I did not understand, things too wonderful for me, which I did not know.
Then God requires that Job’s three friends offer up sacrifices through Job so that they may not be dealt with according to their folly. Elihu was the only that needed no sacrifice. He spoke to his friends with wisdom, sharpening their understanding of themselves and of their Lord.
Beloved, there are people in your lives—family members, friends, coworkers, church members maybe—that have a faulty understanding of who God is. It may be simply that they are new believers. They just haven’t learned yet, but they need someone to hone their understanding. It may be that they are going through pain and are speaking out of feelings that seem so real, but conflict with the truth. It may be that they’ve been taught incorrectly from false preachers and teachers. There are any number of reasons for their faces to be dulled. A true friend comes along side to sharpen them.
Then again, it may not be against God at all. This verse isn’t about how friends view God, but how friends act, speak, and think. I used Job as an example of one who spoke harshly and without understanding. He needed a friend to hone him down. But our rough edges could be against others as well. We’ve heard the saying that someone is a “little rough around the edges.” They’re too gruff, too harsh, too coarse. Those people need someone who loves them to help smooth them out a bit. It’s what friends do.
At the same time, it may be that some of us are rough around the edges. Will we have the humility to allow someone to come beside us and be a friend to hone us? Or will we rebuff their efforts because we think we are fine just the way we are? We’re not. We have rough edges. We have burrs and cracks and dings, and if someone doesn’t come to hone us, we will come to ruin.
A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.
If we have people in our lives that will not hone our rough edges, we may have companions, but we do not have friends. Companions will allow us to come to ruin. A friend sticks close that we may be honed and be all the better for it.
Conclusion
Conclusion
As we finish this time in Proverbs, we have found that a friend does love at all times—in all seasons of life. Yet that love takes different forms; it takes the form of helping, of hurting, and of honing. If we can find a friend like that, we’ve found a true and loving friend. It is tempting when a friend seeks to hurt us for our own good or hone us so that our skills, our words, our thoughts, are challenged and smoothed out, —it’s tempting to block them or cancel them, as that is what we do online. It’s just one quick step to do it in life. We have to fight against that temptation as God has put a true friend in our lives to give us a type of love no one else can give.
But, as cheesy as it might sound, your best friend and my best friend was born more than 2,000 year ago. He is a friend that sticks closer than a brother. He never leaves us, never forsakes us. He is with us until the end of the age, and into eternity too. If you do not know Jesus as your friend, today you can. Does he help in our time of need? Absolutely. In fact, he has made a way to go straight to the Father in our time of need as well. He is not only a friend, he is our High Priest.
For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin.
Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.
Does he hurt us. Yes. He constantly sees sin in our hearts that need to be removed. He sent his Spirit to convict us of our sins, to tell us no when all we want is a yes.
He hones us as well. He smooths out our rough edges. He left us with his example of what a sharp face looks like so that we can conform to it.
But all of that is only possible by trusting in his life, his death, and his resurrection. Without putting all your reliance for life and eternity on him, you will never know him as a friend and never know him as your Lord and Savior. He is not only our hope in death; he is our hope in life as well.
Those who have trusted in him, remember that he is your truest and most loving of friends. And in his friendship, not only has given you the Spirit, but also sends other friends to love you as he loves you.
