Left & Cleft

Marriage & Divorce

Something I will admit right up front. This is a topic that the church as a whole has not done a good job w/.

Marriage, okay, but divorce and remarriage are areas that there is little agreement on. There is little agreement between churches and between our society and churches.

For whatever reasons, we cannot get together on this. As a result, many outside the church discount the bible and our influence on marriage and this is one of the reasons many young ppl have left the church.

The divorce rate in this country has always been high. Good news, it’s dropping. But, the bad news on the other side of that is, the marriage rate is dropping.

Young adults are waiting longer to get married, if they marry at all. And, living w/ your partner has become more of the norm.

We would all agree that divorce is hard, no matter the circumstances. Kids or no kids. House, or no house. After 2 years, 10 years, or 25 years. There is no easy way around it.

So, when considering getting married, young adults are stepping back and re-considering. If odds are it won’t last, then why even go thru w/ the wedding? Move in. Easy in, then easier out.

Maybe later the knot can be tied.

And, as I said, the church just has not done a good job responding or leading out in our culture on these issues. There is a lot of confusion and disagreement on this topic.

This morning, I’m going to tackle it. I hope to bring some clarity and practical advice to Jesus’ teaching on the subject. I may just confuse you farther. I’m sorry in advance. But, I’m going to do my best to explain what the NT as a whole teaches about this. It is based on the OT, the bible in its entirity.

We’ve probably all been touched by divorce one way or the other. Either you’ve been divorced, you parents, a sibling, you kids, your friends. Statistically, it’s inevitable that we will be involved one way or another in a divorce.

One of the real challenges in life is, who gets custody of the friends in a divorce. I’ll be honest, Sara and I have had some not so pleasant conversations when good friends got divorced. He cheated. Well, I’m close to him, she’s close to her. So, who are we going to spend our time w/. Turns out, neither. The friendship has been deeply harmed.

I’ve mentioned this before. My parents divorced. Their divorce was final the week of my 2nd birthday. I don’t remember too much about it. I do have some pretty intense memories, but not many.

What I remember much more of is how the church responded to my newly divorced mom. Married 10 years, 2 kids, a husband who had had multiple affairs, she tried, only a high school education. If there was anyone who needed gracious support it was my mom.

But the church responded by painting the scarlet ‘D’ on my mom. She didn’t feel welcome anywhere in the church. The love of Jesus was replaced by the judgment of God, well the judgment of God’s ppl.

This was 1962. Who got divorced 60+ years ago? Very few. She was the only one I knew.

So, my experience has impacted how I interpret and apply Jesus’ and Paul’s teaching on this subject.

Here’s what I believe Jesus is teaching in the passage we’re looking at today.

Maintain a high value on marriage. Enter into it prayerfully, thoughtfully, and choose carefully who you will marry.

If you choose to leave and cleave, then work hard to remain left and cleft. It may be the hardest work you do in your life.

Still, it takes 2 to make it work. If one quits, is unfaithful, abusive, addicted, or otherwise vacates their role as a spouse, the other spouse has few options and cannot make the unfaithful be faithful again.

God’s mercy and grace covers all.

Let’s get into it. It comes from Matthew 19:1-12. The parallel passage is Mark 10:1-12. But we are spending our time in the Matthew passage.

First, and important, get the context of the question posed to Jesus here.

The purpose of the Q was to entrap Him. It was a Jewish, orthodox audience, and the oppo hoped Jesus would make half the crowd so mad they’d discredit him and stop paying attention. It would make his execution much easier.

The Trap

Matthew 19:3 NIV

Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?”

Cultural context! This is where the church started to get off course on this issue.

This is an ancient and c.1 Jewish cultural issue. This is not the same as our modern, c.21 divorce issues. I’ll get into these a little later.

In this Jewish culture, only the man could file for divorce. The women had few rights in all of culture. And in the Jewish culture, they argued among themselves as to how many grounds for divorce were allowed.

Thus the Q; ‘for any and every reason’?

Technically, a man could have divorced his wife for burning his toast. She would be at his mercy and living on eggshells. How is this reasonable?

And there was no appeal process.

Right away you see the problems when we apply this interpretation to our modern culture.

Their motivation was to entrap Jesus. This was not lobbing him a softball, asking him to teach universal truth on the subject of divorce and remarriage.

Their hope was they could get him to take a side in the Jewish argument. There were 2 main sides to their issue and if Jesus came down on one side or the other he would alienate half the Jewish audience. They’d be mad, lost respect for Him.

Not only that, the thought was this is the issue that got JB beheaded. Maybe, Jesus could make Herod, or his wife and daughter mad enough, they’d behead Jesus, too.

Get him to talk about divorcing you husband so you can marry his brother and be queen. Obvious immorality issues. So if Jesus would go there, then maybe they could get Herod to do their dirty work for them.

The rest of the middle east could have cared less about this argument. Each culture had its own way of establishing or dissolving a marriage.

But this was the world, the universe for the Jewish, religious leadership. No one, nothing else mattered. They were not interested in reaching those who were not with them. They expected the outsiders to adapt. Deal w/ it. As a result, they alienated a lot of ppl.

Which is where Jesus stepped in and attracted so many.

But, this is their question. Jewish culture. So, Jesus answered in the same context.

Leave & Cleave

Matthew 19:4–6 NIV

“Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”

“Haven’t your read,…” Kind of insulting. Had they read. They had memorized the entire OT. Of course they’d read it.

Jesus didn’t directly answer their Q or take their bait. He did not give them a list of accepted grounds for divorce. He spoke to the high value God places on marriage.

He could have said so many things. For this reason, that reason, this grounds, etc.

Again, speaking to the men, you choose to leave your parents home and choose to unite w/, cleave to a woman you choose to take as your wife.

If you choose to leave and cleave, then commit to choosing daily, for the rest of your life to stay left and cleft.

It’s a choice you make. Consider it carefully. Then, stick to it. Simple.

But life just isn’t that simple, is it? We make things complicated.

Particularly, when we get selfish. When Jesus is the Lord of our life, sitting on the throne, then we are more likely more often going to remain more humble and less selfish making it more likely that we can stay happily married.

But that’s up to both partners.

If Jesus isn’t even part of the equation, or if you’re saved, but pretty much living for yourself, then it’s more likely that there will be rifts develop in the relationship which can get serious and even lead to dissolving the marriage.

So, what about the exceptions and realities in life? What did the OT teach? Was there really just one exception?

OT Exceptions

Matthew 19:7–9 NIV

“Why then,” they asked, “did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?” Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.”

Context! Jewish culture. 2 sides in their argument. One allowed divorce for any reason. The other allowed it only for unfaithfulness. And then, only the man could file.

This was to address the issue presented when Jesus was conceived and born. A man’s father and a woman’s father would come to a contractual agreement for their marriage. Once the covenant was signed, for the next 12 the couple was considered betrothed, or engaged.

During this 12 month period, to would become obvious if the woman had been faithful to the man she was betrothed to. She’d start to show and then the marriage would be called off.

There were occasions when a woman would have an affair once she was already married. There were specific instructions how to handle it. But, very limited in scope and allowances for women who were mistreated by their husbands.

But, back up for a second. “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives b/c your hearts were hard.” Is the only fruit of a hard heart an affair? Absolutely not.

If a woman’s heart was hard toward God, not engaged w/ God allowing Him to be her Lord, then there would be a number of issues present in the marriage. These issues would lead eventually, if unresolved, to the dissolution of the marriage.

Moses allowed it. The OT allowed it. God was not happy about it, but okay w/ it.

We gloss over that phrase and try to pigeon hole every acceptable grounds for divorce into this one category, sexual immorality. Certainly, if one partner is sexually immoral, it means their heart has been hardened toward God. Not only is their relationship w/ God damaged, but so would be every other relationship they have, especially their marriage, family, and close friends.

We often hear this verse quoted in this discussion:

Malachi 2:16 NIV

“The man who hates and divorces his wife,” says the Lord, the God of Israel, “does violence to the one he should protect,” says the Lord Almighty. So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful.

Other translations of this verse begin, “I hate divorce, says God” He does. He hates it when the judge’s gavel falls and declares and end to the marriage. But, He also hates what led up to that gavel coming down. Hard hearts.

In this translation, we get a clear sense of why. In Jewish culture, women were vulnerable and needed protection from the men in her life. First, her father and brothers. Then, her husband. If he were to divorce her, for good reasons or bad, he would leave her vulnerable.

Women could not get an education, hold a job, own property. So, what was a woman to do who was left alone, or w/ kids, when her husband left her?

A man who did so selfishly, w/out consideration for the condition he would leave his wife in, was considered unfaithful whether an affair was involved or not.

Again, you see how our trying to apply this to our modern western culture presents problems.

Curiously, the discs, in a private moment pose another question that seems to be playing out in our modern culture.

Once Jesus was done interacting with the Jewish leadership, in private moment, the discs assume, ask then it must be better not to marry. If these are the conditions and only exceptions, they why?

Even more curious is Jesus’ response. What do eunuchs have to do w/ marriage?

Choose Carefully

Matthew 19:10–12 NIV

The disciples said to him, “If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry.” Jesus replied, “Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. For there are eunuchs who were born that way, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by others—and there are those who choose to live like eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it.”

Do we all know what a eunuch is? A man who has been surgically fixed so not only can he not conceive children but the desire to be intimate w/ a woman is removed.

It’s permanent.

A few males are born this way. Another hot topic in today’s culture. Most in that culture chose to be eunuchs. They had their reasons.

But once the choice was made, there was no going back.

He had just reminded the Jewish leadership of a man’s choice to leave and cleave. Now, He speaks of a man’s choice to never marry. Either way, consider carefully what you choose. Do so prayerfully knowing the long-term consequences of a choice like.

Once the choice is made, then that’s it.

Jesus began a transition from the Jewish culture to more modern church culture that is worldwide with this comparison.

We make choices in life that have long-lasting consequences and need to consider them carefully.

And I think this sets up Paul’s teaching on marriage in Ephesians 5.

Paul had been a Pharisee. I’m sure he had had a strong opinion on this prior coming to Christ. But with his faith and newfound life, came a different teaching on marriage. Still based on the OT and the character of God. But applicable to a wider audience even here, in c.21 MP, AZ.

He didn’t start w/ any of what Jesus taught here. And, it’s for us and every other culture to apply accordingly.

Christlike Marriage

Ephesians 5:21–25 NIV

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

First of all, rooted in the OT, marriage is a picture of our relationship w/ God. How we treat our spouse is related to how we believe God treats us.

It’s not exact. But, it applies. God is perfect. It requires no grace nor mercy for us to be able to relate to God. However, we are far from perfect and requires God to be very gracious and merciful w/ us.

Jesus died for us before we ever acknowledged Him or even thought about cleaning up our act. Once we believe, then Jesus goes about helping us clean up. But to begin w/, a great deal of grace is req’d.

If we believe we are perfect, then we require no grace. If we believe we are better than everyone else, then everyone else must be more gracious w/ me than I must be w/ them.

Truth is, we’re all equal in our imperfections. So, every human relationship we have requires boatloads of grace and mercy.

What are the 2 greatest commands? Also quoted in both OT and NT.

Love God more than anything else in your life, including your spouse and kids.

Love your neighbor at least as much as you love yourself.

Apply these to your marriage. Do you love God more than anything? Or, is there something else in that priority in your life? f there is, then it will deceive you and let you down and end up hurting your marriage in the long run.

Did you choose to marry someone who loves God more than anything? Are you okay w/ that? Would you prefer they love you more than God? Honestly, that never works out.

And, if you love your neighbor as you love yourself, then begin w/ the one sleeping in the bed next to you. We tend to skip over those closest to us when we think of applying this command to our life.

Now, let’s consider Ephesians.

Husbands love your wives as X loved the church. How did He love you, the rest of us? He willingly gave up everything of value to Him for us.

This was radical, counter-cultural teaching in c.1. It was a male dominant, authoritarian and barbaric society.

No, husbands don’t make sac’s for their wives. Wives are supposed to make all the sac’s for their husbands. And if they refuse, a quick backhand across the face might the the convincing enforcer she needs.

No one would question. Men we the king of the household. They barked orders. We need to be obeyed.

Think about what went on in the colosseum. They killed animals and ppl for sport. PPL would show up to watch and be entertained. Let that sink in about how they lived.

In our colosseums, our football stadiums, we pass rules so QB’s don’t get scratched. A little different today.

Paul taught that the husband was to make the bigger sacrifices for his wife. In addressing the role of the wife, he reminded us that the husband is the head of the family.

What does head mean? Headship literally means, lead servant. Not boss. Not king. We are most responsible to make the greatest sacrifices in the home. And, if a husband has an issue w/ this, then take it up w/ Jesus and try to compare the sac He made for you and justify why you won’t graciously make significant sac’s for your wife. He is the example we follow.

If we choose not to follow His example, in effect, what we are saying is, we are greater than Jesus, more deserving than He or anyone else of the good we get and it’s unnecessary for us to for anyone else.

Then, in this context, Paul said wives, submit to your husbands. If the husbands lead right, then wives wold have little trouble w/ any decision they would make. B/C, they are thinking of their wife first, what she wants, what she needs.

And this whole thing is predicated by v.21. Submit to each other. In fact, the verb submit is not even in v.22 when he addresses wives. Yes. There are times when a husband should submit to his wife.

The classic ex I always give is when I would come home from work at the end of the day, Sara’s got supper started in the kitchen. She’s been there all day. The kids have been at school, now they are home. Like I’m going to walk in the door barking orders.

I’m going ask Sara what needs to be done. Have Alyssa, our oldest, set the table. Help Jason with his math homework. And, make sure Jared has washed his hands. She’s the boss in that scenario.

There are plenty of other examples like that.

And, our motivation to submit to each other is out of our reverence, respect, worship of Jesus. IOW, submission in a marriage is an act of worship that is indicative of what we really think of Jesus. If He is the most important thing in our life, then we are much more willing to set aside our own desires and make the desires of our spouse a higher priority.

BTW, the concept of headship comes from the OT, and it’s in the curse after Adam and Eve sinned. It was not part of the marriage plan in the Garden before they were kicked out.

After they sinned, God punished them. He cursed Adam related to work, earning a living. It became toil. He was already a farmer, a gardener, but the curse introduced bugs and weeds.

Eve’s part of the curse involved the family. Moms would experience pain in childbirth. Then, this:

Genesis 3:16 NIV

To the woman he said, “I will make your pains in childbearing very severe; with painful labor you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.”

That word for desire is not a physical attraction. It literally means God gave you women the desire to control your husband. Then, God put the husband in as head of the marriage.

IOW, we were set up for conflict. Women want to control us, don’t want to submit to us, and God put husbands as the responsible partner to lead out.

Conflict resolution requires grace and humility. The only way a marriage works is if both partners are humble, unselfish, sacrificial, and giving.

So, let’s put this all together.

If you choose to get married, choose carefully. Choose wisely. Be a person who lives by the 2 greatest commandments and choose someone who does, as well.

If you choose to leave and cleave, then work hard to remain left and cleft. The work is grace based and it may be the hardest thing you ever do. Staying married, I mean.

Still, it takes 2 to tango and 2 to make a marriage. If one partner quits, is no longer faithful to their vows, either in a sexual way or an emotional support way, the other partner’s best option may well be to seek to dissolve the marriage. It’s never a good option. But it may be the best option.

Either way, God’s grace covers whatever mistakes we make.

I hope this helps. Whether you are considering your first marriage, or third, or whatever; maintain a high value on your marriage. Respect the marriages around you, too.

Maybe we can do our part to continue to lower the divorce rate.

Applications

2 Greatest Commandments

Do you do them? Start here, personally. Make sure God has 1st place in your life.

And make sure you love your neighbor at least as much as you love yourself, beginning w/ the person who sleeps in the bed next to you.

Love is sac-based. So make sure you are making the necessary sacrifices for those you say you love.

Grace

Accept God’s grace. You need it. As you accept it, embrace it, and live by it; you will be able to use it as a resources in how you treat others.

Embrace God’s grace and be more gracious w/ those around you.

Christlike Marriage

The Xian life is a life of submission. We all submit and subject ourselves to our Lord. Jesus is the Master of our life, deserving of the only one who can occupy the throne.

Don’t fight submission. Serving your spouse in ways they do not deserve is an act of worship and obedience to Christ. When we serve ea other, rather than expect to be served by each other, then we are living a X-like marriage.

Maintain a high value on marriage. Enter into it prayerfully, thoughtfully, and choose carefully who you will marry.

If you choose to leave and cleave, then work hard to remain left and cleft. It may be the hardest work you do in your life.

Still, it takes 2 to make it work. If one quits, is unfaithful, abusive, addicted, or otherwise vacates their role as a spouse, the other spouse has few options and cannot make the unfaithful be faithful again.

God’s mercy and grace covers all.