New Rules for Dating

Greeting

Good morning Lighthouse!

It’s so great to see you all here today, and I am so excited to continue with our series today.

I’m going to preface this message right now and why I felt like I needed to preach this message to us on a Sunday. I had a conversation with my son Jaden about what I want to share, and I wasn’t sure if it belonged on a Sunday, or if we should push this off to a session with just Students and Young Adults.

But it became clear to me that what I am going to talk about today will one day affect a lot of you here; and those are our students. And for anyone who is single, this applies to you right now. And for any parents in the room, you might think, “Well this season of my life is over,” and it is. However, you need help, handles, and insight on what I am going to talk about, because it’s your responsibility to disciple your children. I want to help you so that you can help your children when they enter into this season of their life.

So today is a great day lean in, take notes, and maybe this even results in conversations that happen this week at home.

All right, let’s dive into the text.

Reading

1 Corinthians 7:31b–34a (NIV)

For this world in its present form is passing away. I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife—and his interests are divided.

New Rules for Dating

Who to Date - Find Your Group

Years ago I was really into the sport of triathlon; this is where you swim, and then you get on a bike, and then you finish with a run. I got really into it, and I raced all of the distance from the Sprints, all the way up to the very long Ironman races. While I raced, I saw the sport change the rules a bit. It used to be that there was something called a “mass start,” and that meant that every started at the exact same time. That was wild because there are in some cases thousands of people starting together, and when you are starting together with a swim, that gets real crazy real fast in the water.

You can imagine, right?

Thousands of people in a body of water all swimming all over each other and people getting pushed, swam over, accidentally hit by flailing arms. It was wild. It was a bit of regulated violence.

So the sport changed it up and they started letting swimmers put themselves in a swim group based on their ability and speed.

So let’s say it was a race with a 1 mile swim to start. There are volunteers holding up times, like 20 mins, 25 mins, 30 mins, etc. And you would pick the group that you thought you’d finish in. All of a sudden, there was a much better flow to the race because if you are a faster swimmer, you aren’t having to swim around or over slower swimmers. You’re going to be swimming in a pack with people that best match your abilities.

And the best way to approach dating someone is a lot like that.

When you are single, the best thing that you can do is run your race.

Rather than focus your energy and efforts on finding a person, focus your energy and efforts on doing what God has called you to do. Fill your time with pursuing God and the things of God. Get involved with a Connect Group, get involved with serving, and get on mission with the church.

This is Biblical counsel from the Apostle Paul:

1 Corinthians 7:32 NIV

I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord.

And, when you are doing this, there will be moments when you are going to look up at people around you, and your going to start seeing people around you and they are going to be a much better fit for you than simply going to a bar or to a club to find someone.

When you run your race, you’re going to be running with people who are also running their race, and then you’ll find someone to run with for the rest of your life.

Transition

Now if you think you’ve found that person, here are the two things that you are going to be looking for:

Character and Chemistry

You want someone who is passionately pursuing the things of God, and you want to find someone whose values so compliment who you are that there is a natural, lasting attraction.

I’m going to break each of those down right now, but before I do, let me start by telling you what you are not going to do.

We will not be a consumer when it comes to dating.

You see a consumer mentality has this check list of what it is that they want.

They have to be tall, handsome, funny, charming, excellent credit (to cover up for my bad credit…), caring, and a six pack!

We’ve turned dating into a complicated Starbucks order.

But here’s why that doesn’t work. Let me give you 4 reasons…

Unrealistic Expectations - our list of expectations are hard to meet

We Aren’t Seeking our Compliment - typically what we want from someone is actually what we want FOR OURSELVES, and you should want someone who compliments you, not who is the ideal version of you.

Beauty Fades - when we make decision solely based on our list of expectations, lots of those expectations will fade over time.

Proverbs 31:30 (NIV)

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

4. It Dehumanizes a Person - as followers of Jesus we live to build other people, we don’t leverage other people to build us up.

You are looking for a person to love, not a product to consume.

[Transition]

When we focus on character and chemistry, we are trying to answer these questions:

Could I build a life with this person?

Could we journey down the road of life together?

Character

What are we looking for in character?

Both of your lives must be aligned on the most important thing in your life, and the most important thing about a person is what they think about God.

What you think about God will shape your values, your values will shape your goals. Your goals will shape your habits. Your habits will determine where you go in life.

Your allegiance determines everything.

Is this person wholly submitted and committed to the Lord, or is it just a casual, transactional relationship.

Paul spoke about this so deeply and he used this comparison of a yoke:

2 Corinthians 6:14 (NIV)

Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?

[Illustration]

Let me explain what a yoke is and why it matters so deeply. A yoke was used when oxen were plowing the ground. They would put a yoke on two oxen, and together, they would plow the ground to prepare for seed time. To unequally yoke an animal meant that it was impossible for the oxen to make any significant progress in plowing the ground. If one oxen was ready for the day, but they are yoked to weaker animal, it was impossible to move forward together.

Let me try and illustrate what this looks like to be unequally yoked.

[pick a couple of people in advance to illustrate the point of being unequally yoked]

When a person is not yoked to the right person, this is an illustration of what life is like. Always moving, but never going anywhere.

Doing the same things over and over again, but expecting different results.

So again, we want to start in the right group, and that group needs to be people who are running after God!

And if you are saying, “Oh but Pastor, that’s easy for you to say, you are married! I’m single and I am alone.”

Listen, if you think that it’s better to settle for someone who doesn’t have the right character, and then go through life living out this example in person, let me give you something to consider.

The pain of being single and lonely is nothing compared to the pain of being married and lonely.

Chemistry

Now when we talk about Chemistry, there are some areas of compatibility that we are seeking. And again, the focus is not “we are exactly the same,” but the focus should be that you are compatible with that person. So want to give you some areas of compatability that you should be looking at.

Spiritual Compatibility

You want to have the same theological convictions.

Listen, if you are burning with a hunger and passion for God, and they are going to church casually, and they are spiritually apathetic, that’s not compatible.

You don’t have to have the same expressions of worship and the same style of worship playlists.

But you should have the same hunger for God so that if there is ever a family your spiritual priorities are aligned.

Socially Compatible

Do you like to be around each other?

And social compatibility takes time and communication to develop. You’re going to want to spend a lot of time together discovering if you really like being around each other.

Now let me hit you with some danger here, social compatibility gets absolutely destroyed by sex before marriage.

Let me walk that out… the scriptures speak at length about waiting until you are married, but let me insert some of that here. When you jump to sex before marriage, it will destroy your ability to evaluate if you are socially compatible. Intimacy forms a bond between two people. The Bible calls it a oneness with that other person. They become one flesh.

So what happens is when you do that outside of marriage, you will completely overlook the lack of social compatibility with that person, and over time, when the passion of intimacy doesn’t burn red hot, you’re going to discover you don’t even like that person.

How did you get here?

Vocationally Compatibility

Are your goals for your careers going to mix well.

If one person wants to work in tech and the other wants to go dig wells in Africa and work as a missionary, there’s a chance that the relationship is going to blow up at some point.

Your goals for your future do not align, and eventually they don’t work together.

Physical Compatibility

Yes, this matters, and I don’t want anyone walking out of here thinking that your Pastor doesn’t think physical attraction doesn’t matter.

It does. But notice that it is not at the top of the list.

Why? Because I said a minute ago, beauty will fade.

And when it does, the most important factors are going to be character and chemistry.

[Transition]

This is why you need to be less concerned with seeking a mate, and more concerned with seeking your Maker.

New Rules for Dating

2 Corinthians 5:17 (NIV)

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!

Seven Principles for Dating

Prayerfully

When you think you’ve found someone that is worth the time and the effort to date, you want to invite God into this part of your life.

This is what blows me away about our God - he wants to be invited into the details of your life.

1 Peter 5:7 NIV

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

God invites you to cast your cares on him because he cares for you. So be prayerful with the person that you are dating.

Clarity

Clarity in every step of dating will keep you from the pain or disappointment of confusion.

If you are confused about where your relationship is heading, the best thing to do is to be clear at every step.

That starts right at the beginning! Research and data show that women still want men to initiate a date, and they want to be asked in person. Not a DM and not a Text.

Guys - there’s the clarity you’ve been needing. No sliding into the DMs… just good old fashioned talking in person.

And when you want to spend time with that person, it’s OK to say can we go out on a date. That’s so much clearer than, “Want to hang out?”

Clear is kind.

Autonomy & Purity

This one is so important. We’ve treated dating as a status and not a process.

Dating is not a status that is recognized biblically, so we have to contextualize the Bible into our times.

You are either single or you are married. There is no “dating” period in scriptures, so we have to apply the principles of singleness into dating.

What exactly does that mean?

You get none of the privileges of marriage until you are married.

This construct of dating has emboldened many people to believe they get the benefits of marriage of marriage without the responsibility of marriage.

So if you are dating, remember that you are to treat her as if you are two single people who are in a process of determining if this person is someone that I could spend the rest of my life with.

Use this time to evaluate her! Use this time to evaluate him!

You are about to make the most important decision of your life, and you don’t want intimacy distorting your ability to make the right decision.

Graciously

In the time of dating, how you treat this person deeply matters.

We are going to put our best foot forward, but we’re also going to remember that this person is a daughter or a son of God. They need to be treated that way. You need to handle their heart with such great care.

In dating, there are no games that you play. There are things that we will progressively bring into the light of your relationship at the right time. And at every step pf the way, you need to treat each other as followers of Christ.

Community

Bring people that love you and know you into the process.

Proverbs 11:14 NIV

For lack of guidance a nation falls, but victory is won through many advisers.

Find ways for the both of you to get around people who love you both and care for you both and want nothing but for the both of you to be highly successful.

Seek the wisdom of your parents. Your parents know you, and whether you believe it or not, they will know when someone may not be right for you. It doesn’t make them a bad person, but they may not be the right person.

Patiently

Don’t rush into a marriage. Allow your relationship to develop, and allow yourself to see the “back foot” of that person you are dating.

You aren’t going to be stalking them or back dooring information about them. That is not healthy.

But you should always be watching how they treat other people, like their parents, siblings, family, and friends.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

Conclusion

In your season of singleness would not be fixed on a prince or a princess, but on the King.

And I want to close this message by praying for anyone in this room that feels like you’ve violated all of these principles, and you are wondering do I have any shot at getting it right?

When we surrender our life, and when take our next step of Baptism, we get that fresh start. We get a clean slate. All of the old is gone and all things become new again.

That’s the beauty of the new birth!

So you can have a fresh start, and I believe God will remove guilt, condemnation, and you’ll begin again. All things new again.

He will separate you from your mistakes, as far as the East is from the West. That’s what the Bible says.

Additional Notes & Axioms:

Your choices become your chains.

When you are born you look like your parents, when you die you look like your habits.

Proverbs 13:20 NIV

Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm.

When you chose your friends, you are choosing your future.

Proverbs 22:15 NIV

Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far away.

Nice & Mean are not biblical categories - wise, fool & evil are better categories

Proverbs 14:16–17 NIV

The wise fear the Lord and shun evil, but a fool is hotheaded and yet feels secure. A quick-tempered person does foolish things, and the one who devises evil schemes is hated.

You can’t treat everyone the same, because not everyone is the same.

An evil person will corrupt a wise person faster than a wise person will convert an evil person.

1 Corinthians 15:33 NIV

Do not be misled: “Bad company corrupts good character.”

Don’t Fight the Devil in the Dark