Is This Really Worth Fighting Over?
Biblical Peacemaking • Sermon • Submitted • Presented
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Step #1 - Please God
Step #2 - Repent
Step #3 - Love
Examine Yourself
Examine Yourself
3 Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? 4 Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.
The passage forbids premature or improper correction.
As you examine your role in the conflict, look for two types of faults: an overly sensitive attitude and your own sinful behavior.
Define The Issues
Define The Issues
Conflicts generally involve two kinds of issues: material issues and personal issues.
Material issues
Material issues involve substantive matters such as property, money, rights, and responsibilities.
These issues may be expressed by questions like these:
Where will we spend our vacation?
Should we build a new church?
How much money does Ted owe Sue?
How can we get this property sold?
Was it right for Bill to fire Don? Did Alice breach the contract?
These issues should usually be resolved through cooperative negotiation which we will talk more about later in the class.
Personal Issues
Personal issues relate to what goes on inside or between persons.
These matters involve our attitudes and feelings toward others that result from how we have treated one another.
Personal issues are often expressed in thoughts and statements like these: “I am upset about your lying to me.”
“She is stubborn and unreasonable.”
“I don’t like the way he always criticizes me.”
“I’m sure he is trying to cheat me.”
“You did that just to embarrass me.”
These kinds of issues must generally be resolved either by overlooking an offense or through confession, loving correction, and forgiveness, which we will talk more about as we go through this class.
Overlook Minor Offenses
Overlook Minor Offenses
In many situations, the best way to resolve a conflict is simply to overlook the personal offenses of others.
This approach is highly commended throughout Scripture:
11 Good sense makes one slow to anger,
and it is his glory to overlook an offense.
14 The beginning of strife is like letting out water,
so quit before the quarrel breaks out.
8 Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.
2 with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love,
13 bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.
8 The Lord is merciful and gracious,
slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.
9 He will not always chide,
nor will he keep his anger forever.
10 He does not deal with us according to our sins,
nor repay us according to our iniquities.
Overlooking offenses is appropriate under two conditions:
First, the offense should not have created a wall between you and the other person or caused you to feel differently toward him or her for more than a short period of time.
Second, the offense should not be causing serious harm to God’s reputation, to others, or to the offender.
Overlooking is not a passive process in which you simply remain silent for the moment but file away the offense for later use against someone.
That is actually a form of denial that can easily lead to brooding over the offense and building up internal bitterness and resentment that will eventually explode in anger.
Instead, overlooking is an active process that is inspired by God’s mercy through the gospel.
To truly overlook an offense means to deliberately decide not to talk about it, dwell on it, or let it grow into pent-up bitterness.
If you cannot let go of an offense in this way, if it is too serious to overlook, or if it continues as part of a pattern in the other person’s life, then you will need to go and talk to the other person about it in a loving and constructive manner.
Count The Cost
Count The Cost
Conflict is often much more expensive than we expect it to be.
Unresolved disputes can consume large amounts of time, energy, and money, leaving you emotionally and spiritually exhausted.
Worst of all, as long as a disagreement is unresolved, there is the potential for further damage to a relationship.
This is one of the reasons for Jesus’ command to settle disputes with others as quickly as possible:
25 Come to terms quickly with your accuser while you are going with him to court, lest your accuser hand you over to the judge, and the judge to the guard, and you be put in prison. 26 Truly, I say to you, you will never get out until you have paid the last penny.
Unresolved conflict can lead to many types of “prisons” and can exact penalties we never anticipate.
In addition to robbing you of time, property, or money, prolonged conflict can damage your relationships and destroy your reputation.
It can also imprison you in a dungeon of self-pity, resentment, or bitterness.
As the verses preceding Jesus’ warning indicate (vv. 21–24), ongoing hostility can destroy you from the inside and alienate you from God (cf. Ps. 73:21–22).
Moreover, the anxiety and negative thinking generated by conflict can spill over and hurt people who are close to you, such as your family or coworkers.
It is all too easy to ignore these costs when we are actually embroiled in a dispute.
This is why we need to make a conscious effort to count the costs of a conflict at the outset of a dispute and compare them to the benefits of quickly settling the matter.
I was once asked to help four partners divide the assets of a business.
One of the men wanted much more than the other three were willing to give him.
He was not a Christian, and he made it clear that he would not participate in a negotiation or mediation process.
If he could not have what he wanted, he was fully prepared to file a lawsuit.
For several weeks the other partners had firmly refused to concede to his demands.
When I met with those three and asked them why they wouldn’t settle, they said, “It isn’t just the money; it’s the principle of the matter.”
In response, I asked, “How much is this principle costing you?
How much time has already been taken away from your business, and how much more time will a lawsuit consume?
More importantly, what effect has this conflict had on you personally and on your families?”
There was a long pause, and then one of the partners pulled out his calculator.
After a few key strokes, he said, “I’d say we’ve already devoted five thousand dollars of our time to this, and a lawsuit could easily cost us ten times that amount.”
Another partner admitted that he hadn’t been sleeping well because of the tensions created by the conflict.
He also conceded that his critical attitude had created problems with his wife and children.
The third partner agreed.
When these three men added up the real cost of their dispute and compared it to the cost of settling the matter, they saw that the wisest thing to do was to settle the matter as quickly as possible.
Although it was difficult for them to do at the time, one of them later told me that within two weeks of the settlement he was completely free of the matter.
“When I look back,” he said, “I have a hard time understanding why we didn’t settle it much earlier. It sure wasn’t worth all that fighting.”
What About Rights?
What About Rights?
Some people resist overlooking offenses and settling disputes by arguing, “I have my rights—and it wouldn’t be just to let him off so easily.”
Fortunately, God does not treat us as our sins deserve:
To those who have trusted in Christ, he is compassionate and merciful—and he expects us to treat one another the same way.
As Jesus taught, “Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful”
The truth of the matter is that it may actually be unjust in God’s eyes to exercise certain rights.
Much of what is legally permissible today is not right when viewed from a biblical perspective.
As Supreme Court justice Antonin Scalia has noted:
What is lawful is not always right. Confusing the two concepts is particularly easy for the English-speaking because we use the word “right” to refer both to legality and to moral appropriateness. . . . We say “I have a right to plead the Fifth Amendment and refuse to answer questions about possible criminal activity”—even when the consequences of exercising that “right” may cause an innocent person to be convicted. Exercising such a “right” is certainly wrong.
When exercising a right allows you to avoid a moral responsibility or to take unfair advantage of others, you have not acted justly in the eyes of God, regardless of what a court might say.
Therefore, always strive to exercise only those rights that would pass both a legal and a heavenly review.
The basic principle to follow at all times is to:
12 “So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.
God may even call you to give up a right that would be morally and legally justified.
One way to imitate his mercy is to show sympathy, kindness, and compassion toward someone who is in need of help.
Consider the parable of the Good Samaritan.
One way to do this is to refrain from exercising legitimate rights and thus release others from their obligations.
Consider the parable of the unmerciful servant.
The Bible is filled with examples of this kind of mercy that leads to a willing relinquishment of rights.
Abraham relinquished his rights and gave his nephew Lot the first choice of land when they settled in Canaan.
Joseph did not exercise his right to bring his brothers to justice for kidnapping and selling him into slavery.
King David chose not to punish Shimei for cursing him when he was fleeing from Absalom
Paul gave up his right to financial support from the church in Corinth.
Jesus did not exercise his right to be exempt from the temple tax, and he declined to call down legions of angels to rescue him from the Jews. Most importantly, he willingly laid down his right to justice by allowing himself to be crucified as a substitute for sinful men.
On the other hand, the Bible teaches that it is sometimes appropriate to exercise our rights, to talk with others about their wrongs, and to hold them fully accountable for their responsibilities.
For example, after Paul was flogged in Philippi, he asserted his rights and insisted that the civil authorities apologize for their unjust conduct.
On other occasions Paul quickly asserted his rights as a Roman citizen to avoid a flogging and also to secure an appeal of his case.
How can you know when to do which?
31 So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God. 32 Give no offense to Jews or to Greeks or to the church of God, 33 just as I try to please everyone in everything I do, not seeking my own advantage, but that of many, that they may be saved.
1 Be imitators of me, as I am of Christ.
Thus, whenever there is a question about your rights, you should ask yourself questions like these:
“Will exercising my rights honor God by showing the power of the gospel in my life?”
“Will exercising my rights advance God’s kingdom—or will it advance only my interests at the expense of his kingdom?”
“Will exercising my rights benefit others?”
“Is exercising my rights essential for my own well-being?”
Summary Tool
Summary Tool
There are many conflicts that require a lot of time and effort to resolve.
But there are far more that can be resolved simply by overlooking minor offenses or relinquishing rights for the sake of God’s kingdom.
Therefore, before focusing on your rights, take a careful look at your responsibilities.
Before you go to remove the speck from your brother’s eye, ask yourself, “Is this really worth fighting over?”
If you are presently involved in a conflict, these questions will help you to apply the principles presented in this chapter.
1. Define the material issues in this conflict.
2. Define the personal issues in this conflict.
3. Which personal issues are having the greatest influence on you? On your opponent?
4. What has the other person done that has offended you?
5. What effect is this dispute having or likely to have on
a. Your witness for Christ
b. Your family life
c. Your occupation
d. Your finances or property
e. Your friendships
f. Your relationship with God
g. Your service to your church and community
7. Consider your rights:
a. What legal rights could you exercise in this situation? Would it be morally right to do so?
b. What other rights could you exercise? How might exercising these rights glorify God, advance his kingdom, benefit others, and benefit you? How might laying down these rights glorify God, advance his kingdom, benefit others, and benefit you?
8. Which of the offenses described in answer to question 4 can you simply overlook? How might overlooking them please and honor God?
9. Which of the material issues described in answer to question 1 can you simply give in on?
10. Go on record with the Lord by writing a prayer based on the principles taught in this lesson.
