The Blueprint of Friendship

Introducing myself

Good evening, everybody. How are you guys doing? Did you all get settled in alright? Awesome. This is a beautiful place to come.

Some of you are looking at me like, “Who is this guy, and what’s he doing here.” That is an excellent question, so let me help answer it for you. My name is Gregg Deacon, and I am a pastor who oversees worship, youth ministry, and whatever else gets thrown at me. I serve at an 11-year-old church plant in West Richland, WA, in the “Tricities.” It’s in Eastern Washington. You’d think it’s all green but prairie and desert. I am here with my best friend, my wife Catie, my son Isaac, my daughters Abigail and Olivia, and my youngest son Abram. We moved to West Richland 3.5 years ago from Greeley, CO, in Northern Colorado, where I worked in construction for most of my life and led worship for churches.

So here’s some stuff to know about me:

I am a Youth Pastor and a Worship Pastor.

I’ve led worship at churches for about 23 years. I love studio recording, songwriting, playing guitar, and arranging songs.

I love music. I love recording, playing, and learning about songwriters and techniques.

I also hate music. I don’t love the music industry and won’t listen to some things because I think they’re icky.

I am not a coffee snob. If you throw mud in a cup and tell me it’s coffee, I’ll probably believe you, but I feel pretty sick later. I’m currently trying to cut back on all of the coffee.

I love being outdoors. I’m not always good about getting outside, but once I’m outside, I’m good.

I’m not great at sports. So, if you need someone to romp on, I’m your huckleberry. I would be glad to destroy you at badminton or ultimate frisbee. At least in my mind.

Meeting Pastor Mike

Can I tell you a funcool story? I met pastor Mike through online courses we took together at Southern Seminary. You get accustomed to seeing people from the neck up in an online class. I usually noticed how often some of my classmates shaved their beards and guessed their height from how long their necks were. I first saw Pastor Mike’s whole body when we were on campus in May for graduation. His head is just as shiny in person as it is online. After graduation rehearsal, I remember calling out to him, his friend Scott, and another classmate named Anca, and we connected in person for the first time, which was so cool. When you put so much time and effort into studying God’s Word with minimal contact with your classmates, those in-person connections really mattered to me. What was even cooler was that Pastor Mike invited Catie and me to BBQ at Mama’s Pickles and Mustard, where we celebrated. Mike, you guys had so many leftovers. I remember you trying to return Catie and me to our hotel with two boxes of brisket and some spicy pickles. It was an incredibly special memory for us. From my perspective, we clicked well. He had mentioned around that time asking if I would be willing to come and speak sometimes, which, you know, those times when someone’s like, “Hey, we should hang out sometime,” but it never happens. He reached out to me a few months ago about serving you here, and I have to tell you that I am so glad to reconnect with him and Geneva and to be here with you all.

I am a Pastor, but Pastor Mike is your pastor. God has brought him here to serve you guys, but I’m also under his authority because he asked me to speak. If I misspeak on something or Pastor Mike tells you I’m wrong, listen to him. He loves the Lord and knows what he’s talking about.

I am here for you—to talk to, make fun of, play games with, pray with, whatever you need. Our family is thankful to be here.

Sermon/Series Introduction

Pastor Mike and I were talking a few months ago about what the theme of the conference should be this year, and he landed on the idea of:

Created For Friendship: Making Lasting Friendships With God And Each Other. 

Nice People

Do you know what a friend is? Think about it for a second. I think “a friend” has become a title for “nice people.” Facebook friends are people that we follow or that follow us and give us a sense of community without any real commitment, but they’re nice to us. We don’t know these people. Not really. We know them more like looking at a phone book with some photos and comments on the side of each entry, but they’re maybe acquaintances at best. A friend is now anyone who gives you some attention. Nice people. It’s like if they’re not my enemy, then they must be my friend. Of course, we want to be friendly with people, but if everyone is our friend, the word friend doesn’t have any substantive meaning. We’re losing our definition of “fried.”

A fair definition of a friend is someone with whom you can confide and share the most essential things in life. Statistically, our true friendships are becoming fewer and more shallow in America. Twenty years ago, the average American only had two close friends. Twenty-five percent of Americans didn’t have a single friend. It’s increasingly worse today along with our anxiety, our sense of identity, and our withdrawal from people. We are increasingly lonely, and it lasts longer and longer.

Snorkeling

How many of you have ever gone snorkeling?

Before my parents' divorce, I think I was 8-9, and we took a family vacation to Maui, Hawaii. I remember how hot the condo was because the A/C broke and being sick on the broken airplane for six hours before we took off to head back to Seattle, but I mainly remember this snorkeling boat trip. We ported to a small island with an inlet where the captain anchored, and then he equipped our family with snorkel gear. A snorkel is the dumbest name for a fantastic breathing device that allows you to keep your face in the water until your buddy puts his hand over the top to watch you squirm. I saw the most beautiful fish and coral I had ever seen. It was so lovely that I would have these dreams of the water undulating over me as I sat on the shallow end, watching the fish and breathing underwater.

Not everyone used a snorkel, though. Many people used scuba gear—another goofy name for the tools used to breathe underwater. Scuba allows you to go to the deeper depths of the water and see the fish that I couldn’t get close to with my poorly named snorkel. You could stay there a long time and acclimate to the lower depths. It lets you be with the fish and the coral. It’s an entirely different experience.

There is a difference between acquaintanceship and friendship. Both are good, but only one allows you to experience the best creation by diving into the depths.

Threefold-cord

Here’s the preacher, King Solomon, sharing the benefits of friendship—ancient wisdom that still applies today.

Ecclesiastes 4:9–12 ESV

9 Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. 10 For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! 11 Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? 12 And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken.

I’m learning more and more about how making friendships is more complex than ever. When our family moved to Washington 3.5 years ago, we knew no one. We weren’t out of COVID yet; we had moved from our family, ten-year job, and friends. We’re still trying to make friends where we live.

Indeed, a threefold cord is not quickly broken. This is a powerful image of what a friend is. You are stronger together than apart.

What if we flip the image a little bit? What kind of threefold cord, which is hard to break, keeps these friendships out of reach? How about Busyness, Technology, and increased Mobility

Busyness

If I had to go on a limb, I’d say busyness is the first. We only value what we prioritize. If we make time for doom-scrolling social media on our phones, watching cartoons, and playing video games, but we don’t make time for friends, then we don’t care about friends. Even the perception of busyness makes it harder to make a friend. Even if it looks like you’re too busy when you’re not, people see that and think, “I’d bet that person is too busy for me.”

Technology

Technology is great for the shallow ends of a relationship. Emails, coordinating a time and place to meet, and sending texts can all complement friendships, but often, we use this stuff to lead us away from friendship rather than building stronger friendships. Our modern technology depersonalizes communication. We use it to connect, but we always feel less, not more, connected. We use it to get closer, but it moves us farther away.

It can also disengage us from real communion. I can sit across from my wife or a close friend, but I'm miles apart because we’re both staring at our phones. We don’t relate to people right before us because our modern technology summons our eyes.

It also disembodies conversation. When I’m talking face-to-face with someone, I interact with them in an unrepeatable performance of my soul. Over time, people learn my ticks, quirks, facial expressions, and tone. In digital communication, I have to read between lines of text, repeat a video repeatedly, and forget how to react when a real friend tells an absolute joke.

Finally, it means that for Christians, we’ve created another barrier that makes it hard for us to confess sin, admit our sins, and lovingly confront a brother in Christ when they’ve wronged me or I’ve wronged them. Meetings have been replaced by phone calls, then by emails and texts. Very soon, we won’t have the courage to speak hard things to one another in person.

Increased Mobility

Busyness, Technology, and Increased Mobility. By that, I mean friendships take a long time to establish. Now, more than ever, it’s easier to move from one place to another, one clique to another, one group of friends or church to another. True friendship requires roots, and those take time in the same place to take root. When we are quick to uproot from other people, we’re more likely to kill the friendship and become lonelier in the process.

Transition to Conference Purpose

You might relate to that. You might find that the three-fold cord of what prevents friendship is hard to break. You’re right. Maybe you’re thinking, the people around me at this conference are my friends, or I don’t know the people around me at this conference. Perhaps you think online friends are real friends, but if you’re honest, you are alone when you step away from the computer or phone. Or you think everyone is your friend, but no one knows you. Maybe you need a friend, someone to care about you, and you’re tired of your loneliness. Maybe you think your only friend is God, and perhaps you believe He’s all you need.

Friendship is a serious relationship. J.C. Ryle, an old dead Anglican bishop, once wrote, “This world is full of sorrow because it is full of sin. It is a dark place. It is a lonely place. It is a disappointing place. The brightest sunbeam in it is a friend. Friendship halves our troubles and doubles our joys.” If this is true, there is more to this kind of relationship than many know. Most of us think we know true friendship, but few do.

Purpose of the Conference

Over our time together this weekend, I want you to grow as a friend and to make friends. We need to see where friendship comes from and why it matters, which is what we’ll do tonight. Friendship doesn’t start with us, though; it begins with God. I want you to make friends with God as you make friends with others.

That’s our focus for this weekend. I hope Pastor Mike and I grow from acquaintances to friends, even though having acquaintances is also good. My hope for you is that you grow to love God and the people He has placed in your life as friends. God doesn’t want to be your acquaintance; he wants you to know Him. He doesn’t want you to know only people on the surface of the water.

Blueprints

Before you begin any kind of building project, you need something called a blueprint. These are pieces of paper that you throw on the hood of a truck and talk with other people about how a building should be built. It shows the process and placement of each piece of the building. Kind of like lego instructions. With Legos, you get a new box and you open each numbered bag that corresponds with the instructions. It’s tidy and organized. Once it’s built, it makes sense and it’s fun. This is like friendships before the fall. We get how they work and how friendships fit together.

Until we get the idea that we should take the building apart and throw all of the legos together in the massive set of tubs in which we’ll be lucky to find half of the pieces when we decide to build that thing again before we just give up. This is friendships after the fall. Everything is disorganized, confusing, and hard to figure out, but the blueprint stays the same. It doesn’t change. So what is the blueprint for friendship?

High School Depression to Stone Mason Extraordinary

When I was a sophomore in High-School I hit a pretty serious spell of depression. My parents were now divorced and living in two separate states so my relationship with them wasn’t great. My friends were these punk rock kids who weren’t great influences on me. My Youth Pastor just lost his job because our church couldn’t afford to keep him on staff because of a major event that happened to our church. I just left one of the bands I helped start with my drummer, my friend Mike. I grew my hair long, put my headphones in and wholly embraced a philosophy that my gym teacher of all people told me in health class one day.

We were talking about relationships in our class and he said something that shook me. He said, “guys and gals look around the room. More than likely after you graduate from here, most of the people you’ve gotten to know over these years in hallways, classes, sports, and hanging out with outside of school you will not interact with again.”

I don’t think he intended to say it as something ultimate, that we would never EVER EVER see each other again, but I think because of my circumstances, people that mattered to me leaving all of the time, it hit me right in my heart. I realized in that moment that if I wasn’t going to see these people again, then I wouldn’t waste my time investing in friendship with them now. (Repeat)

So I continued my year. I was lonely, depressed, frustrated with my church, frustrated with my parents, frustrated with my peers, and frustrated with God.

That Spring I got my first car, and committed to paying it off so I needed to get a job. My step-dad got me a job working as a stone mason for that summer.

Quick Note: A Freemason is a cultist who has weird rituals and worship stuff that is super bad. A stone mason is a guy who takes rocks and breaks them with a hammer and makes cement to make walls and stuff with the rocks. It’s like building with legos except the rocks are super heavy, you sweat out in the sun all day long, and when a rock you’ve been chiseling for 15 minutes suddenly cracks in half you walk to the other side of the house you’re working on to cry out loud for 5 minutes before putting on your tough guy face again.

When I started, I had no idea what I was doing. I was put in this open area where they were going to build houses, and our job was to put stone on these columns for fences to attach to. That was our purpose. That was the reason for our working together. So, Eric taught me how to cut stone with a saw, stucco the columns, make the cement mud, tar paper and lathe the columns, use a hammer to chisel the stone, and ultimate set me out on my own with his truck (which required me always having my foot on the gas or it died. It’s weird to drive a truck where you need to use both feet just to stay alive on the road getting to the job).

I became close friends with the guys at work. We would normally have two people on each column and each column took a day and a half to complete. It took three days for me to finish a column start to finish on my own, and I had a lot of mistakes at first so I’d need to go back and do some repairs after Eric saw my initial work.

I was sixteen so I was the youngest, but the guys I worked with knew each other from a college ministry near CSU (Colorado State University). All of them were saved, so our days were talking about doctrine, theology, the Bible, the Lord, Church, Apologetics, and all kinds of things. It was a turning point for me.

The next year in High School I joined the Men’s Choir and began to make new friends with a renewed confidence. My family struggled to find a church at that time, but I remembered the friends I would get to see and work with again next summer.

My senior year was kind of a whirlwind. I made it to our top choir, joined the all-state choir, was a lead role in a musical at our school, counseled friends and shared the gospel, and was the prom king.

I’m not pointing at popularity as the goal here, I’m just showing you the transformation.

Propositional Outline & Statement

For the rest of tonight, I want us to look briefly at Genesis 2 and see God’s blueprint for friendship. There are two overall concepts for us to consider:

All of us are placed on this earth with a purpose in mind. With this in mind, when God provided me with a job, I see Him as sparing my life and replacing my depression with purpose.

Because we were placed here with a purpose, our relationships are given to us with a purpose in mind. My friendships were now based on this communal purpose of putting rocks on walls.

In other words, God made man work, but He also made man work personally with people. Our identity and friendship are rooted in God’s purpose and people.

Could you turn with me in your bibles to Genesis 2, beginning in verse 15?

This is right after Genesis 1, which describes God’s creative work of ordering the world and the universe. He makes light and darkness, sun and moon, land and sea, and various plants and creatures to inhabit His creation. It’s also right before Genesis 3, which describes the fall of humanity into sin. Our passage is before the relationship between God and man and man is ended.

Genesis 2:15 ESV

The Lord God took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to work it and keep it.

1. Purposeful Placement of People

Genesis 2:15–17 ESV

15 The Lord God took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to work it and keep it. 16 And the Lord God commanded the man, saying, “You may surely eat of every tree of the garden, 17 but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat of it you shall surely die.”

Work

We were called to work the garden. This is the tilling, tending, transplanting (literally moving plants), harvesting, farming, or gardening. It’s a good thing to work! Remember, this is before the fall in Genesis 3. When we work, whether working on getting a good grade as we grow in our knowledge of this world, build a home, or even repair something that is broken, we are fulfilling God’s purpose in our lives. It is a good thing to work and pursue work.

On the other hand, we’re also called to rest, just as God did on the seventh day of creation.

Genesis 2:2–3 ESV

And on the seventh day God finished his work that he had done, and he rested on the seventh day from all his work that he had done. So God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it God rested from all his work that he had done in creation.

We need both as God’s creatures. To know how to work best, you must rest. To understand how to rest best, you must work.

Keep

Genesis 2:15 ESV

15 The Lord God took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to work it and keep it.

What does that action mean if you give me a gift, and I decide to keep it? What does it mean to keep something? Does it mean I hang on to it or put it somewhere to forget about it?

Throughout the Middle Ages, kingdoms were defined by their layouts in the ancient world. Maybe there were kings and kingdoms. Sometimes, there were manors and surfdoms. Other times, there were great houses and servants. There would be barracks to train soldiers and fortifications like walls and towers. Today, we have a democratic republic with political parties and facilities like the White House, Pentagon, and military bases to defend the people of our land.

In the medieval world, a keep was similar to barracks and fortifications. Specifically, a keep was a stronghold, a large fortified tower in the middle of a kingdom that served as a refuge during an attack. The idea was to protect, serve, and fight against intrusion.

Part of man’s purpose to keep the garden implies fortifying and protecting against invaders. To serve a kingdom by protecting its people from one who wants to destroy it. Adam, keep the garden. There is purpose here.

Before there was any sin in the world, man was charged with a purpose. That has some implications for us. It means what we do on earth has a designed purpose and meaning. We cultivate this world and protect this world. It implies that there is something valuable in what we do. It also means that God determined it to be so.

Isn’t that freeing? When life seems like there isn’t any purpose, God is there to remind you that not only does it have purpose and meaning, but he gave it purpose and meaning for you! He created you for this world and this world for you to cultivate and protect! We’re basically to be Steve from Minecraft. We must work with what we’re given and keep it—fighting pig zombie guys.

But does that mean man gets to do whatever he wants? Are there any limitations to what we have to do here? Indeed, a kingdom has a boundary.

Genesis 2:16–17 ESV

And the Lord God commanded the man, saying, “You may surely eat of every tree of the garden, but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat of it you shall surely die.”

God established our purpose within this kingdom, which is to have boundaries. We don’t get to do whatever we want without consequence. God orders mankind to have a purpose with expressed limitations that conform to our humanity. We weren’t made to pursue every dream we had. Not every idea that pops into our heads is a righteous calling. Instead, God says, “Live within the purposes I made you for, and don’t step outside the boundaries!”

I have a question.

Genesis 2:18 ESV

Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.”

God establishing those boundaries includes this recognition: It is not good that man should be alone.

Adam has God. Adam has a relationship with His creator, and yet God says Adam is alone. It’s not that God is unrelatable; that’s not the point. God means that Adam is the only one of His kind. Part of Adam’s function and purpose in this world is not to be alone. God designed man with a relational purpose to be with others as he cultivates and keeps the garden. God knew Adam needed companionship for work and a fulfilling life. Friendships rooted in a shared purpose reflect God’s design and help us grow as individuals in Christ.

2. Perceiving the Need for Partners

Genesis 2:18–20 ESV

18 Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” 19 Now out of the ground the Lord God had formed every beast of the field and every bird of the heavens and brought them to the man to see what he would call them. And whatever the man called every living creature, that was its name.

I am convinced that Adam eventually got bored of this. I can see him looking at that bug we all know and hate and Adam saying, “Fly.” Maybe he saw oranges and was like, “Orange.”

Genesis 2:20 ESV

20 The man gave names to all livestock and to the birds of the heavens and to every beast of the field. But for Adam there was not found a helper fit for him.

What is essential here is seeing how God identifies Adam’s need for a companion. It’s written almost like God brings all these creatures to Adam to show him how unlike them he is. No one is like Adam and is a suitable helper for him.

Why does Adam need help? Because he was created to “not be alone!” He needs someone else by his very nature. He needs someone else who resembles his very nature.

We often say that “a dog is man’s best friend.” God says just the opposite. Adam names all of the animals but is still alone. This parallels our search for meaningful relationships. No other kind of created thing can replace our relationships with other people.

Excursus – Marriage

Genesis 2:21–25 ESV

21 So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. 22 And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. 23 Then the man said, “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.” 24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. 25 And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.

Okay, let’s be fair here. Everyone in this room thinks, “Dude, this passage is about marriage. It’s about marriage, man. You’re wrong about this being about friendship; it’s about marriage.”

When God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone,” he didn’t just highlight Adam’s need for a wife and the general problem of man’s aloneness. Eve’s presence solved this problem in two ways: First, she met Adam’s need for companionship. Yes, as a wife, but also as a friend. Marriages are ideally the deepest of friendships.

Guys, the most profound human experience of friendship is marriage. That’s without a doubt. Yes, this passage is about marriage, but it’s about relationships and companionship with people. It’s about the beauty of human connection. Don’t just think of the “reserved for marriage only” parts. Adam isn’t made to be alone, and God provides him a helper beyond his expectations.

God saw Adam’s need for a companion, which he put in Adam. He describes His divine intent for human connection. From Adam, He makes “woman,” and He makes Eve.

This passage talks about marriage. This passage talks about friendship. Marriage is the most significant expression of friendship one can have.

The other question is Why Adam needed someone else when he already had God. The first question was essentially: Isn’t marriage enough? And now the second is like it: Isn’t God enough? Does this not turn friendship into idolatry, as though we need something else besides God to be satisfied or complete?

God made us to enjoy him as creatures entirely. In other words, we experience God in a way that fits with how he made us. He made us as humans, and we experience pleasure in human, creaturely ways. We enjoy God, then, in the way that humans enjoy God. One way we enjoy him as humans is through his gifts—chief among them is friendship. We honor God when we receive this with gratitude.

We thank God for friendship, treasure God above friendship, and enjoy God through friendship.

Genesis 2:23 ESV

23 Then the man said, “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.”

Being called a “woman” isn’t belittling here. Adam names God’s creation just as he names all the other creatures, but this time, he rejoices in her being made so neither of them will be alone!

Genesis 2:24–25 ESV

24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. 25 And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.

Again, this is before the fall. There is no sin here. That’s the next verse. This is a perfect relationship among people. A perfect friendship. A perfect marriage.

Let me make some critical observations:

Marriage is only between a man and a woman. It is the pinnacle of human friendship, but…

Friendship is available to everyone. Generally, men become great friends with other men and women with other women. Usually, when a man has a deep friendship with a woman or vice versa, it should lead to marriage.

Consider the friendship of Ruth and Naomi or David and Jonathan.

God, being Adam's greatest friend, gave him one of his kind. This is important. God relates to Adam as a great friend by providing him with human friendship. There is a vertical and horizontal friendship at play here.

Adam and Eve are now working together and keeping the garden.

Conclusion

All of us are placed on this earth with a purpose in mind.

Because we were placed here with a purpose, our relationships are given to us with a purpose in mind.

In other words, God made man work, but He also made man work personally with people. Our identity and friendship are rooted in God’s purpose and people.

Adam was made for friendship. The second Adam, sharing fully in our humanity, needed friendship no less than the first. Jesus did not live alone. He and his disciples walked dusty roads together, engaged in lengthy conversations, and feasted in homes. Jesus grieved over the death of Lazarus, his friend (John 11:11). In the most distressing moment of Jesus’s life before the cross—his anguish in the garden of Gethsemane—he wanted his closest friends near, and he was disappointed when they weren’t. This world has never known a person more deeply spiritual than Jesus, a man of deep relationships.

Jesus was a man of friendship because God is a God of friendship.

The existence of friendship in the world portrays something profound: at the center of the universe is a love so great that it must be shared. Through friendship—friendship with God and one another—God shares something of his own eternal and effusive joy with us. Our enjoyment of relationships—even our most ordinary moments with our most ordinary companion—is more profound than we often realize: it reflects God’s infinitely joyous fellowship as Father, Son, and Spirit.

Ecclesiastes 4:12 ESV

12 And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken.

Many of you carry disappointments from your relationships with friends. But we feel this discouragement because we know those relationships aren’t how they should be. God planted the desire for genuine friendship and human connection in our hearts. We want more because God made us for more.

Now is our time to ask what makes friendship one of life’s greatest gifts. The answer is the love of a heavenly Father and the love of our Sacrificial brother, Jesus Christ. Busyness, technology

Let’s pray.

Pray

Questions

Why do you think God considers it ‘not good for man to be alone’?

How can you prioritize time for friends amidst a busy schedule?

How can you balance technology use with maintaining personal connections with friends?

In what ways can you encourage a friend who may be feeling lonely or isolated?