All The Feels Week 2- Love & Lust

Big Idea: Love builds up, but lust objectifies.

Primary Scripture: Matthew 5:27-30

Supporting Scriptures: Proverbs 4:23

CAPTURE (Why should students pay attention to and care about your message?)

Let’s kick things off with a story most of us have probably heard of: Romeo and Juliet. It’s often thought of as the ultimate love story. 

[Leader note: To add to the intensity of the story, we suggest trying to read this next paragraph in a dramatic voice as if it were the intro to a movie trailer.]

*Have Mia read this?

A young boy, reckless and passionate, chases after forbidden love. He meets a girl from his family’s worst enemies, and after only knowing each other for less than 24 hours, they’re ready to risk everything for their forbidden love. They face danger, secrets, and the thrill of doing whatever it takes to be together. 

If you’re not familiar with it, Romeo and Juliet is really an amazing and dramatic story. In it, two teenagers meet at a party and fall for each other fast, and within hours, they’re sneaking around, making plans, and talking about forever. 

At one point, Romeo declares, “Did my heart love till now? Forswear it, sight! For I ne’er saw true beauty till this night.” In just moments, he’s convinced he’s found the one. It was destiny. It was fate. It was meant to be… or was it?

To say the very least, Romeo and Juliet got swept up, and things got intense and exciting pretty quickly… But was it love? Or was it just lust?  

What Romeo and Juliet felt was strong and powerful, and my guess is that in a lot of ways, most of us can relate! I’d say most of us would probably admit to having had strong feelings of attraction for someone else, and if you haven’t yet, there’s a really good chance that you will at some point in your life. And that’s normal! 

I don’t want to spoil it for any of you who haven’t taken 9th-grade English yet, but Romeo and Juliet’s 24-hour romance ended in absolute tragedy. Now, I’m not saying that every teenage romance will end like this. I’m not even saying that those feelings you feel toward someone else are bad or that you should avoid relationships as a teenager. But I am saying that what we do with those feelings matters. 

Last week, we kicked off our series All the Feels by talking about the power of our emotions, starting with a conversation about anger and how it can motivate us for good but, if left unchecked, can turn into something incredibly damaging like hatred or bitterness. Remember, emotions are part of how God made us, but the real challenge is learning how to process and express our emotions in positive ways. 

This week, we are going to talk about attraction and how it can lead us toward either love or lust. Much like Romeo and Juliet, it can be easy to get swept up in intense feelings, but when this happens, how do we tell the difference between genuine, selfless love and lust, which is easy to confuse for love but tends to be more selfish in nature? 

Just like we said last week about anger, our feelings of attraction aren’t wrong; what matters is what we do with those feelings. So, instead of asking whether these feelings are good or bad, I think the better question each person can ask is, “Where do I want these strong feelings of attraction to lead me?” 

SCRIPTURE (What does God’s Word say?)

To help, I want to look at a passage where Jesus addresses the issue head-on… 

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27 “You have heard the commandment that says, ‘You must not commit adultery.’ (Matthew 5:27 – NLT)

Ok. Quick pause just to make sure we are all on the same page. Adultery is when a married person breaks the commitment they’ve made to their spouse by being emotionally, romantically, or physically involved in an inappropriate way with someone else. So basically, adultery is cheating on your husband or wife.

Now, you may be thinking, “Hold on; I’m not married or even close to being married! What does this have to do with me?” And that’s a fair question. In fact, it’s likely the people in the crowd were also trying to find a way for Jesus’ words to not apply to them either. You see, back in Jesus’ time, it was pretty common for people to hear a command like, “You must not commit adultery,” and they’d think to themselves, “Sweet. I haven’t committed adultery. So, I’m good!” 

But, if you were here last week when Jesus started out by saying, “You have heard that our ancestors were told, ‘You must not murder.’” But then, He ended up talking about anger. He’s doing something similar here, and if there’s anything in the world that might apply to a group of teenagers, it’s what He’s about to say. Ok, let’s back up and start this passage again…

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27 “You have heard the commandment that says, ‘You must not commit adultery.’  28 But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart. 29 So if your eye—even your good eye—causes you to lust, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. 30 And if your hand—even your stronger hand—causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. (Matthew 5:27-30 – NLT)

See what I mean? He starts out talking about adultery, but He ends up talking about how it’s better to gouge your own eye out than look at another person lustfully. To say the very least, that escalated very quickly.

But what is Jesus doing here? What does he want us to know? When you add this to what we talked about last week, you might start noticing a pattern that Jesus doesn’t want us to just focus on our actions—only what people can see. He wants us to go deeper and also consider our intentions. So, in this case, that’s why He said, “Anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” 

Now, depending on who was in the crowd, I have to imagine that at this point, they were probably asking some of the same questions that you might be asking, like…

“Whoa, there. I’m fine not cheating on my spouse, but You can’t possibly expect me to not even think about it, right?”

Or, “I’m not even married, so does this still apply to me?”

Or even, “You said men shouldn’t look at women lustfully, so is it cool if it’s the other way around?”

Okay, let’s take care of the easy ones right here… when asking whether or not what Jesus said applies to people who aren’t married yet, let me read it again: “ANYONE who even looks…” Yeah, I’d argue that anyone includes teenagers who aren’t married yet.

And, of course, for anyone who was hoping that this passage is only meant for the guys in the room… unfortunately, anyone still means anyone. Jesus was taking a rule that applied only to the actions of a very specific group of people in a very specific set of circumstances and broadened it to include the intentions of everyone.

But in true Jesus-fashion, He didn’t stop there! He even went so far as to say that if something as small as a look can lead us to sin—in our minds or with our bodies—we should deal with it right away and do whatever it takes to avoid that sin. Now, I have to admit that Jesus uses some shockingly strong language here. I don’t think anyone was expecting Him to say that it’s better to lose a body part than to allow ourselves to be controlled by our lust. 

You can bet that this sounded just as extreme to the crowd that Jesus was teaching as it does to us. They probably had a lot of the same questions that we might… “Does He really mean that I should gouge out my eye or cut off my hand?!?”

Now, even though it sounds extreme, Jesus is pointing out that lust has a tendency to get out of control very quickly. 

“Bad thoughts quickly ripen into bad actions; and if the latter only are forbidden, while the former are left free, all morality will soon be at an end.”

-Bishop Porteus (British)

And that’s what Jesus is saying here. Once it takes hold, lust can grow to the point that it controls you. That’s why Jesus is warning us that it’s better to catch lust before it even has a chance to grow to the point that it feels impossible to deal with.

This wasn’t an easy teaching for the crowd, and it’s not an easy teaching for us…, but that’s exactly why it’s so important. 

INSIGHTS (What might this Scripture mean?)

I don’t know if you're like me, but whenever I’m trying to learn something challenging, I often catch myself just trying to push through it so I can move on to the next thing. The problem is, when I do that, I usually end up missing some of the most important parts. 

So, instead of rushing through it, I want to point out a few of the most important ideas for us to understand from this passage.

The first has to do with the difference between love and lust…

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1. Love builds up, but lust objectifies. 

You want to know the big difference between love and lust? Love is selfless. It involves putting the needs and well-being of another person ahead of your own. And because that’s not generally our default, love can actually be a lot of work. It can be incredibly rewarding, but the truth is, it can also be challenging. 

Lust, on the other hand, isn’t selfless at all. Actually, lust is really selfish. Instead of putting someone else’s needs and well-being ahead of your own, lust is all about what I like, what I feel, and what I want. Over and over throughout the Gospels, Jesus taught us that love is all about putting others first. But, in pretty much every way, lust is the exact opposite of that.

Earlier, we said that the question we should be asking is, “Where do I want these strong feelings of attraction to lead me?” The problem is that love and lust lead to two very different places. 

Because love is selfless, when you genuinely love someone, that love motivates you to do whatever you can to build that person up. But lust? Because lust is selfish, it can convince you that the only reason the other person has value is because of how they make you feel… and if I remember anything from every relationship I had or saw when I was your age, it’s that feelings can change in a heartbeat and feelings will betray you in an instant.

The second thing we can learn is…

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2. Lust begins in the heart.

Jesus challenges us to see that sin isn’t just about our actions; it’s also about our intentions. And that’s why lust is so tricky. 

[Teacher note: This example is meant to be somewhat tongue-in-cheek to help keep the topic from feeling too heavy. Feel free to change this example out with any heist movie or story that you think might resonate with your students.]

To help illustrate this, I’d like to point your attention to the critically acclaimed 2004 action/adventure thriller National Treasure (which just so happens to star an actual national treasure, Nicolas Cage). Now, actions are easy to identify—you either stole the Declaration of Independence in order to find hidden treasure, or you didn’t. There’s really no in-between. 

But intentions are completely different. If you think about stealing the Declaration of Independence and then plan to steal the Declaration of Independence, there’s literally no way anyone would know… until you actually try to steal it. 

Lust is the same way. You can lust after a person without them (or anyone else) ever knowing about it. But that’s exactly why lust is so dangerous. You see, since no one else knows about it, it’s really easy to convince yourself that it’s not a big deal because it doesn’t actually harm anyone. 

But it sounds to me like Jesus is arguing that when we start thinking of others in a way that treats them like objects that only exist to make us feel good, it has a way of eating away at us.

…It’s almost like it breaks us down from the inside. 

You see, what’s going on in your heart is incredibly important to God, even if no one else can see it. Here, check out what King Solomon, the writer of Proverbs 4:23, said about why it’s so important to keep our hearts from dwelling on things like lust…

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23 Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life. (Proverbs 4:23 – NLT)

Both Solomon and Jesus knew that whatever we let control our hearts will ultimately one day guide our actions, which leads to the third thing I want to make sure we learn from this passage:

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3. Lust can lead to even more dangerous territory.

Jesus used strong language to show us how unchecked desires can turn into even bigger problems in our lives. Let’s look again at Matthew 5 and focus in on verses 29-30:

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29 So if your eye—even your good eye—causes you to lust, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. 30 And if your hand—even your stronger hand—causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. (Matthew 5:29-30 – NLT)

Jesus literally said it’s better to get rid of a body part that’s leading us into sin than to continue in sin and do nothing about it. Okay, I’ll be the first to admit that this sounds a bit extreme, and it’s probably a good idea for me to tell you that Jesus was known to use hyperbolic (or exaggerated) language from time to time in order to make a point. No, He doesn’t actually want anyone to gouge out their eye or cut off their hand, but Jesus does want us to recognize that hidden sin can have profound consequences.

Hidden sin also has a tricky way of convincing us that hiding our true selves from others is actually a good thing. 

The result is that we end up feeling alone in our struggles. And if you’re there, I want you to know that nothing could be further from the truth. Lust is something that pretty much everyone struggles with at some point in their lives. Keeping it in check is a daily challenge, and feeling like we need to face that challenge alone only makes it that much more difficult. 

ACTION (How could we live this out?)

So, what can we do if we want to be the kind of people who aren’t going to let lust control our thoughts and actions? Again, I don’t want to sugarcoat it and tell you that it will be easy, but I do have a few steps we can all take this week that might help set us in the right direction.

The first is… 

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1. Memorize Proverbs 4:23 & Psalm 119:11

I know this sounds a bit basic, but memorizing this short passage is a great step in being able to remind yourself of why the fight is worth it.

Here’s what it says:

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23 Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life. (Proverbs 4:23 – NLT)

Psalm 119:11 NIV

I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you.

You could write them on a notecard and put it on your mirror. Or you can put an image of these verse sas the lock screen on your phone. There are a million ways to remind yourself of these verses each day, so do whatever it takes to keep them front of you. 

The second thing we can all do is…

2. Evaluate the media you’re consuming.

Becoming a person of love starts with guarding our hearts, and a good place to start guarding our hearts is by paying attention to and evaluating what we allow our eyes to see and our minds to absorb. 

Experts have argued back and forth for decades about how much the movies we watch, the games we play, and the music we listen to impacts our thoughts and behavior. I’m not going to pretend to know more than them, but I think it would be interesting for each of us to simply ask ourselves: “Does the media I consume help or hurt me in my struggle with lust?”

Maybe there are some accounts you should unfollow. There might be some shows or songs that have content that make your struggle with lust more difficult, and limiting or even removing them could help you guard your heart. 

Seriously, my goal isn’t to tell you to stop watching or listening to stuff you enjoy. I just want to encourage you to be intentional about what you let in. 

And the last thing we can all do is…

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3. Encourage each other.

Look, if there’s any group of people on the planet that are going to struggle with lust, it’s teenagers. 

Now, chances are, throughout middle school and high school, you’ll hear a lot of people tell you a lot of things about how you should think and how you should behave, especially when it comes to dating, relationships, and sexuality. And yeah, you’re going to hear some of that from me, too. But even more important, I want you to hear that you’re not alone. 

In a moment, we’re going to go to our small groups, and I’m not saying that you need to spill your guts and share all of your deepest, darkest secrets. But I am saying that I think these conversations are an incredible opportunity for each of you to realize that you aren’t alone. 

So, if someone is brave enough to be honest about their struggles, I want you to choose ahead of time to be encouraging instead of judgmental.

Cool? Cool.

Let’s pray.