Marriage Part 2

Bible Passage: Ephesians 5:22-33, 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, Colossians 3:18-19

Summary: These passages outline God's design for marriage, emphasizing love, respect, and sacrificial commitment between spouses. They provide practical wisdom for building a strong, godly relationship that reflects Christ's love for the church.

Application: This sermon can help couples navigate the challenges of marriage by offering biblical principles for communication, conflict resolution, and mutual respect. It encourages them to reflect on their relationship in light of Scripture, fostering growth and deeper intimacy.

Teaching: The teaching focuses on the roles of love and submission within marriage, emphasizing how Christ exemplifies perfect love and sacrifice. It encourages spouses to mirror these qualities in their daily interactions, ultimately strengthening the marital bond.

How this passage could point to Christ: Christ is the ultimate example of love and sacrifice in marriage. Ephesians emphasizes the relationship between Christ and the church, positioning husbands and wives to reflect that divine love in their commitments to one another.

Big Idea: A thriving marriage is built on the foundation of Christ-like love and mutual respect, with spouses empowered to embody biblical principles in their daily lives.

1. Sacrificial Love: A Model

Ephesians 5:22–33 ESV

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

“If the U.S. returned to the marriage rates of 1970, child poverty would be 20 percent lower. . . . It is the privileged Americans who are marrying, and marrying helps them stay privileged. . . . [I]f you are born into poverty and raised by your married parents, you have an 80 percent chance of climbing out of it. If you are born into poverty and raised by an unmarried mother, you have a 50 percent chance of remaining stuck.” David brooks

Our entertainment-saturated society helps feed all sorts of illusions about reality. The fantasy of the perfect romantic and sexual relationship, the perfect lifestyle, and the perfect body all prove unattainable because the reality never lives up to the expectation. The worst fallout comes in the marriage relationship. When two people can't live up to each other's expectations, they'll look for their fantasized satisfaction in the next relationship, the next experience, the next excitement. But that path leads only to self-destruction and emptiness.

Marriage is the capstone of the family, the building block of human civilization. A society that does not honor and protect marriage undermines its very existence. Why? Because one of God's designs for marriage is to show the next generation how a husband and wife demonstrate reciprocal, sacrificial love toward each other.

But when husbands and wives forsake that love, their marriage fails to be what God intended. When marriage fails, the whole family falls apart; when the family fails, the whole society suffers. And stories of societal suffering fill the headlines every day.

Now, more than ever before, is the time for Christians to declare and put on display what the Bible declares: God's standard for marriage and the family is the only standard that can produce meaning, happiness, and fulfillment.

Divine Directives for Wives One of the most explicit passages of Scripture that outlines God's standard for marriage is Ephesians 5:22-33. Wives often bear the brunt of that section, but the majority of the passage deals with the husband's attitude toward and responsibilities for his wife. Nonetheless, here's the wife's responsibility before the Lord: Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything (Ephesians 5:22-24).

Submission in no way implies a difference in essence or worth; it does refer, however, to a willing submission of oneself. Wives, submission is to be your voluntary response to God's will—it's a willingness to give up your rights to other believers in general and ordained authority in particular, in this case your own husband.

Husbands aren't to treat their wives like slaves, barking commands at them; they are to treat their wives as equals, assuming their God-given responsibility of caring, protecting, and providing for them.

Likewise wives fulfill their God-given responsibility when they submit willingly to their own husbands. That reflects not only the depth of intimacy and vitality in their relationship, but also the sense of ownership a wife has for her husband.

Keep in mind that the wife's submission requires intelligent participation: "Mere listless, thoughtless subjection is not desirable if ever possible. The quick wit, the clear moral discernment, the fine instincts of a wife make of her a counselor whose influence is invaluable and almost unbounded" (Charles R. Erdman, The Epistles of Paul to the Colossians and to Philemon [Philadelphia: Westminster, 1966], 103). Elisabeth Elliot, writing on "The Essence of Femininity," offers a fitting summary of God's ideal for wives:

Unlike Eve, whose response to God was calculating and self-serving, the virgin Mary's answer holds no hesitation about risks or losses or the interruption of her own plans. It is an utter and unconditional self-giving: "I am the Lord's servant . . . May it be to me as you have said" (Luke 1:38). This is what I understand to be the essence of femininity. It means surrender.

Think of a bride. She surrenders her independence, her name, her destiny, her will, herself to the bridegroom in marriage . . . The gentle and quiet spirit of which Peter speaks, calling it "of great worth in God's sight" (1 Peter 3:4), is the true femininity, which found its epitome in Mary (John Piper, Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood [Wheaton, Ill.: Crossway, 1991], 398, 532, emphasis added).

Divine Directives for Husbands

After giving the divine guidelines for the wife's submission, Paul devotes the next nine verses of Ephesians 5 to explain the husband's duty to submit to his wife through his love for her: "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church" (Ephesians 5:25). The Lord's pattern of love for His church is the husband's pattern of love for his wife, and it is manifest in four ways.

Sacrificial Love Christ loved the church by giving "Himself up for her." The husband who loves his wife as Christ loves His church will give up everything he has for his wife, including his life if necessary. Most of you husbands would give verbal assent to that—literally dying for your wife is such a remote possibility for most of you. But I would speculate that it is much more difficult to make lesser, but actual sacrifices for her. Husbands, when you put aside your own likes, desires, opinions, preferences, and welfare to please your wife and meet her needs, then you are truly dying to self to live for your wife. And that is what Christ's love demands.

Purifying Love Christ loved the church sacrificially with this goal in mind: That He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she should be holy and blameless (Ephesians 5:26-27). Love wants only the best for the one it loves, and it cannot bear for a loved one to be corrupted or misled by anything evil or harmful. If you really love your wife, you'll do everything in your power to maintain her holiness, virtue, and purity every day you live. That obviously means doing nothing to defile her. Don't expose her to or let her indulge in anything that would bring impurity into her life. Don't tempt her to sin by, say, inducing an argument out of her on a subject you know is sensitive to her. Love always seeks to purify.

Caring Love Another aspect of divine love is this: Husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church (Ephesians 5:28-29). The word translated "cherishes" literally means "to warm with body heat"—it is used to describe a bird sitting on her nest (e.g., Deuteronomy 22:6). Husbands, you are to provide a secure, warm, safe haven for your wife. When your wife needs strength, give her strength. When she needs encouragement, give it to her. Whatever she needs, you are obligated to supply as best you can. God chose you to provide for and protect her, to nourish and cherish her, and to do so "as Christ also does the church." Unbreakable Love For a husband to love his wife as Christ loves His church he must love her with an unbreakable love. In this direct quotation from Genesis 2:24, Paul emphasizes the permanence as well as the unity of marriage: "For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and the two shall become one flesh" (Ephesians 5:31). And God's standard for marriage still hasn't changed. Husbands, your union with your wife is permanent. When you got married, you had to leave, cleave, and become one with your wife—never go back on that. Let your wife rest in the security of knowing that you belong to her, for life. Just as the body of Christ is indivisible, God's ideal for marriage is that it be indivisible. As Christ is one with His church, you husbands are one with your wives. Paul goes on to say, "This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church" (Ephesians 5:32). Why is submission as well as sacrificial, purifying, and caring love so strongly emphasized in Scripture? Because the sacredness of the church is wed to the sacredness of marriage. Christian, your marriage is a testimony to the relationship between Christ and His bride, the church. Your marriage will either tell the truth about that relationship, or it will tell a lie. What is your marriage saying to the watching world? If you'll walk in the power of the Spirit, yield to His Word, and be mutually submissive, you can know that God will bless you abundantly and glorify His Son through your marriage.

2. Solidarity in Unity

Paul describes in these verses, where husband and wife become one flesh. couples should seek unity and care for each other as they would their own bodies, emphasizing mutual respect and understanding. The passage encourages mutual devotion, reflecting Christ’s unbreakable commitment to the church. May your corrections be private and public cheer leaders

Scriptural Reference: Malachi 2:14

Malachi 2:14 ESV

But you say, “Why does he not?” Because the Lord was witness between you and the wife of your youth, to whom you have been faithless, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant.

Within marriage, sex is beautiful, fulfilling, creative. Outside of marriage, it is ugly, destructive, and damning.

John F. MacArthur

The powerful sexual drives which are built in to man’s relationship with woman are not seen in Scripture as the foundation of marriage, but the consummation and physical expression of it.

Sinclair Buchanan Ferguson

Sex outside of marriage

1. “If It Feels Right and Nobody Gets Hurt, What’s the Big Deal?”

The answer to this question—and your willingness to receive it—depends entirely on your belief about the role of Scripture in the bedroom. If you’re a Christian, I’m assuming you embrace the Bible as the final word for all of life—including sexual ethics.

So the simple question is this: what will our source of wisdom and authority be when it comes to sex? God’s Word or our personal feelings and the support they receive from popular culture? Proverbs tells us those who choose God’s Word are wise and those who don’t are fools. Scripture is relevant to this issue precisely because Scripture shows no interest in relevance—that is, it shows no interest in accommodating or affirming the shifting sands of feeling and culture.

“There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death” (Prov. 14:12).

Does sex feel good outside of marriage? Of course, in the same way cocaine feels good to the addict and the ring of power felt to Tolkien’s Gollum. Scripture is a safeguard. Surrendering our feelings and instincts to biblical truth will always protect us from unforeseen wounds and dehumanizing consequences.

2. “We’re Committed to Each Other!”

This is what I hear most from sexually active, unmarried professing Christians. They “feel married” to each other because they’re in a monogamous, committed relationship. Because their relationship is exclusive, marriage norms like sex and living together feel like the sensible way to deepen and solidify the relationship.

When this logic is used, I usually ask the couple why they feel the need to “solidify” a relationship with someone they’re not sure they’ll marry. Will they be glad about having solidifed the relationship with sex if the quasi-union comes to an end? Will they feel good about sharing the details of their current arrangement with a future spouse? Will they feel good about looking “the one” in the eye and telling them how they gave their body and soul to others? I finally ask if they, as professing Christians, ever feel compelled to thank Jesus—the creator of sex—for their unmarried sex lives. This question, more than others, is often followed by the “deer in the headlights” look.

3. “We Are Engaged to Be Married”

Isn’t being engaged more or less the same as being married? At first blush, the reasoning makes sense. Since it’s established we are going to get married, why not get a head start?

As usual, our response must go back to Scripture. Wise and faithful Christians will wait until they’re inside the covenant before they start enjoying the unique benefits of the covenant. Until then it’s playing house, but it’s not marriage. Remember Joseph. He “knew not Mary” during their betrothal (engagement) period.

So, when this appeal arises—usually in premarital counseling—I’ll suggest one of two options: either we can find some witnesses and have the wedding now (to sanctify the current sexual activity) or the couple can refrain from sexual activity until marriage.

In going over these two options, I’ll offer a rational reason in addition to the biblical one: statistically, couples who are chaste during engagement are much less likely to divorce or be unfaithful than couples who are not.

According to multiple studies from the National Institute of health, statistics show that couples who live together before marriage tend to have a higher rate of relationship breakups or divorce compared to couples who do not cohabitate before marriage, indicating a correlation between premarital cohabitation and increased likelihood of separation;  over 40.03%

I’ll then say, “Engagement is your opportunity to build a history of self-control and trust, to prepare you for seasons of temptation that will occur when you are married. Faithfulness to Scripture now will provide needed assurance in the future—especially during the harder and drier times—for faithfulness to each other. Protecting your sexual chastity now will help prepare you for your sexual bond later.”

No couple has yet chosen the “Let’s get married today” option. All have gladly chosen the “Let’s build trust through faithful celibacy now” option. An as I understand it, of the hundred or so couples whose weddings I’ve officiated, none has regretted taking this preemptive path.

Sex within Marriage

God made it : Genesis 2:24

Genesis 2:24 ESV

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

God is pro Sex Deuteronomy 24:5

Deuteronomy 24:5 ESV

“When a man is newly married, he shall not go out with the army or be liable for any other public duty. He shall be free at home one year to be happy with his wife whom he has taken.

We are meant to enjoy each other bodies: Proverbs 5:18-19

Proverbs 5:18–19 ESV

Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love.

1 Corinthians 6:15–20 ESV

Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ? Shall I then take the members of Christ and make them members of a prostitute? Never! Or do you not know that he who is joined to a prostitute becomes one body with her? For, as it is written, “The two will become one flesh.” But he who is joined to the Lord becomes one spirit with him. Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.

Application:

Marriage is not a temporary agreement based on feelings or convenience. It is a covenantal promise before God. This covenant mirrors God's unwavering covenant with His people (Jeremiah 31:31-34).

Jeremiah 31:31–34 ESV

“Behold, the days are coming, declares the Lord, when I will make a new covenant with the house of Israel and the house of Judah, not like the covenant that I made with their fathers on the day when I took them by the hand to bring them out of the land of Egypt, my covenant that they broke, though I was their husband, declares the Lord. For this is the covenant that I will make with the house of Israel after those days, declares the Lord: I will put my law within them, and I will write it on their hearts. And I will be their God, and they shall be my people. And no longer shall each one teach his neighbor and each his brother, saying, ‘Know the Lord,’ for they shall all know me, from the least of them to the greatest, declares the Lord. For I will forgive their iniquity, and I will remember their sin no more.”

covenants are binding and rooted in God’s sovereignty. Our vows are not just to our spouse but to God Himself.

Sin’s curse didn’t change God’s purpose for marriage. Marriage is still God’s gift to us. But also, two sinners living one life for God’s glory won’t happen unintentionally. It takes work.

Your Portion and Your Toil

Recently as I was studying Ecclesiastes, I noticed Solomon acknowledged both these truths in one sentence: “Enjoy life with the wife whom you love, all the days of your vain life that he has given you under the sun, because that is your portion in life and in your toil at which you toil under the sun” (Eccles. 9:9).

Ecclesiastes 9:9 ESV

Enjoy life with the wife whom you love, all the days of your vain life that he has given you under the sun, because that is your portion in life and in your toil at which you toil under the sun.

Your spouse is part of your portion—a gift from God for you to enjoy.

Your spouse is part of your toil—a relationship that will require your effort.

Most often, these truths are shared separately. When life is good, we say marriage is a gift. When life gets hard, we’re reminded marriage takes work. But in the real rhythm of life, it’s far more beneficial to recognize both these truths in the same breath: marriage is a gift from God, and we must work for it.

Two sinners living one life for God’s glory won’t happen unintentionally. It takes work.

Work isn’t a bad thing. Work is part of how we reflect God’s image. I love how Charles Spurgeon put it: “Man was not created to be idle, he was not elected to be idle, he was not redeemed to be idle, he was not quickened to be idle, and he is not sanctified by God’s grace to be idle.” In his goodness, God didn’t include idleness in his design for marriage either.

Here are three ways to enjoy your spouse and do the work a good marriage requires.

1. Grow in love for the Lord.

We’re not capable in our own power of mustering up the love God has extended to us. If we desire to love our spouse with the love God initiates with us—love that’s unconditional, sacrificial, relentless, patient, and kind—we must go to God to get it.

Prioritize the spiritual disciplines that stir you up to love and good works (Heb. 10:24–25). Be a disciple who makes disciples. Immerse yourself in God’s Word. Worship with other believers. Talk about God’s goodness and faithfulness. Pray. Serve in your local church. Take God’s Sabbath command seriously.

Hebrews 10:24–25 ESV

And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.

When something feels off with your spouse, take it to the Lord instead of rushing to blame. Ask God to reveal sin you need to repent of. Request eyes to see your spouse the way God sees him or her. Beg God for wisdom and discernment as you engage with your spouse. Pray for God to give you the right words to say, and ask God to make his presence known in your home. Then ask for courage to obey whatever God shows you.

These practices may not be your typical marriage advice, but they should be! Whatever grows your love for the Lord will also grow your love for your spouse.

2. Make time for fun.

It’s common for married couples to function more like roommates than husband and wife. It doesn’t start that way. But especially after you add kids on top of individual responsibilities, a husband and wife can easily run full speed ahead in separate lanes, simply dividing up the chores, errands, and roles. Even if everything is getting done, your marriage likely isn’t thriving if you’re completely missing each other in the process. It’s hard to consider something a gift that you never take the time to enjoy.

A few ideas: Take up a new hobby together. Try a new restaurant or recipe. Flirt in front of your kids. Support one another in your careers and interests. Laugh. Go for walks, dream together, and talk about what God is teaching you. Encourage each other. Send your spouse a quick text during the workday to share something you love about him or her. Take a personal day together on a random weekday when school can be the babysitter. Intentionally create space to enjoy one another.

3. Change your expectations into gratitude.

The initial excitement of living life together gives way to routine. Familiarity is beautiful, but it can also lead you to assume your spouse will do things you once admired. Comfort can cause you to expect from your spouse what once made you grateful.

Here’s the caution: when admiration and gratitude are replaced by assumptions and expectations, you become both oblivious to your spouse’s strengths and acutely aware of his or her flaws. Daily repetition of this behavior makes you believe the lie that your marriage is far worse than it actually is.

Illustration: Imagine a wedding ceremony. The vows are not merely romantic promises but solemn oaths. Just as God remains faithful to His covenant despite our failures, so should spouses remain steadfast, showing grace and forgiveness.

3. Selfless Virtues of Love

1 Corinthians 13:4–7 ESV

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Perhaps reflect on Paul’s description of love as patient, kind, and enduring. Suggest that these qualities are essential in overcoming marital challenges. Urge couples to cultivate a love that is not self-seeking but rejoices in truth, highlighting patience and kindness as foundations for a godly marriage, just as Christ's love embodies these virtues.

If the purpose of marriage was simply to enjoy an infatuation and make me “happy,” then I’d have to get a “new” marriage every two or three years. But if I really wanted to see God transform me from the inside out, I’d need to concentrate on changing myself rather than changing my spouse. Gary Thomas Sacred Marriage (2000)

Gary Thomas