Uprooting The Root Cause Of Conflict

Three-Step Conflict Resolution Model:

 Step #1 – Please God

 Step #2 – Repent

        A. Heart Sins (beliefs & motives)

               B. Behavior Sins (words & actions)

        Step #3 – Love

James 4:1–12 ESV

1 What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? 2 You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. 3 You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions. 4 You adulterous people! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God. 5 Or do you suppose it is to no purpose that the Scripture says, “He yearns jealously over the spirit that he has made to dwell in us”? 6 But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” 7 Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. 8 Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. 9 Be wretched and mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. 10 Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you. 11 Do not speak evil against one another, brothers. The one who speaks against a brother or judges his brother, speaks evil against the law and judges the law. But if you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law but a judge. 12 There is only one lawgiver and judge, he who is able to save and to destroy. But who are you to judge your neighbor? 

1. The apostle is especially concerned about the cause of such conflicts, not merely our behavior.

In order for us to understand our behavior, we first have to understand the heart motivation behind the behavior.

So in step #2 of our diagram, we deal with the heart first then move to the behaviors.

One of the most important things to understand in the middle of conflict is its root cause.

Yet, this is also usually one of the most elusive things.

How many times have you said to yourself, “I don’t really know how this conflict started. It is so complicated, its cause can’t really be known. If we could only get to the root of it, we could solve it.”

We are going to think together about root causes and how to find them.

2. The apostle roots the cause of conflicts in our sinful desires.

 Four ways to state this:

Warring, encamped desires (v. 1 desires, 3 pleasures, passions)

1 Peter 2:11 ESV

11 Beloved, I urge you as sojourners and exiles to abstain from the passions of the flesh, which wage war against your soul.

Ruling wants (v.2; 1:13-15)

Coveting (v. 2)

Exodus 20:17 ESV

17 “You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, or his male servant, or his female servant, or his ox, or his donkey, or anything that is your neighbor’s.”

Selfish motives (v. 3)

  The temptation at this point is to focus on the other person and try to root the cause of the conflict in their sinful desires.

We need to remember that step #2 is about looking at ourselves and not the other person.

Verses 11-12 warn us from being judge of the other person.

3. The apostle observes that these “conflict-causing” desires are not necessarily desires for evil things but inordinate or ruling desires for good things.

  The desires James talks about are not necessarily bad desires.

We know this because he says God would potentially give them their desire if they had asked him for it with right motives.

So the problem is not in the desire itself, but is in that we want the desire too much.

The problem is that we have to have it, and if we don’t get it, we fight.

It is not a problem to have desires. It is a problem for the desire to rule us.

How do I know if some desire is ruling me?

Does it consume my thoughts?       

Do I sin to get it?       

Do I sin when I don’t get it?

Complete the following statements:

“I must have       ?      to live a meaningful life”

“What I think I need or desperately want is       ?     ”

Make a comment in a gracious way about the biblical view of “needs” and how “need” theology is dangerous. (Biblical view of “needs”: 2 Pet 1:3; Luke 10:38-42; Psalm 27; 73:23-28; Matt 4:4)

“You must give me       ?     or I’ll be angry at you or cold toward you”

“If only       ?     would change, I would be satisfied or content”

“If I don’t get       ?     , then I become depressed, angry or anxious”

 Dynamics of a ruling desire of the heart:

1. I desire

Remember, we all have desires. Some obvious desires are always wrong but many are not.

We may desire peace and quiet, someone’s respect or love, a new computer, or success at work. These are all good desires.

The truth about our desires is that we live around other people who have desires as well, and we very often get in the way of each other’s desires.

  This is inevitable right? I want a quiet night in front of the TV, and my wife wants to talk about plans and finances.

Someone’s desire is not going to be met.

When someone is standing in the way of a desire, we always have two ways we can go.

We can choose to lay down our desire for the greater desire of pleasing God and serving the other person, or we can choose to go on a cycle of desires and disappointments controlling our thoughts and behaviors.

  When we do this, we go to the second dynamic.

2. I demand

  When we let an unmet desire control us, it becomes a demand.

It is something we need or deserve in order to feel happy or satisfied, and we begin justifying that desire.

  Have you ever thought any of these thoughts:

“I work hard all week. Don’t I deserve a little peace and quiet at home.”

“You should be thankful for all that I do for you.”

   “I deserve the promotion because I worked harder than anyone.”

“I deserve more respect around here.”

   The more we want something, the more we think we need that thing in order to be secure and happy.

   Beware when a “I want” turns into an “I need”.

   What do I fear?

    Where do I sense the most frustration?

Where am I tempted to be bitter?

3. I judge

  Our unmet demands lead us to judge other people when they are not giving into our demands.

When they fail to satisfy our desires, we judge and condemn them in our hearts and sometimes with our words.

     This kind of judging usually leads us to speculate regarding the person’s motives.

  “You don’t really love me. If you did, you would meet my needs.”

  “You must be the most selfish person alive to not thank me for all I have done.”

Beware of assuming someone’s motives, especially someone you have known a long time.

(Talk about Mr. Keith taking his ball and going home.)

The closer we are to someone, the more expectations we put on them, and the more we are tempted to judge them.

4. I punish

   It is as if the ruling desire is demanding a sacrifice.

   “If she is not going to give me what I want, I am not going to speak to her, or I’m going to speak harshly to her.”

“If he is not going to notice me, I will go find someone else to notice me. See how he likes that.”

  “If they are going to treat me like that, I am going to talk bad about them to others.”

     We punish those who are not bowing to our ruling desires.

     When we find ourselves punishing others, it is a good indication that someone or something besides God is ruling our hearts.

The Throne-Staircase Diagram: How Legitimate Desires Become Ruling Demands

(Diagram)

How do we respond to our ruling desires?

1. Recognize how the desire has climbed the throne.

You do this by asking the questions we mentioned above.

As you grow in this skill, you will find yourself becoming wiser and wiser about what desires tend to rule your heart.

      Does someone other than Christ have the power to control your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors?

She MADE me so mad. I would not have yelled if he would not have.

  Think about an abusive person convincing someone it is their fault because of something they do. No! No one makes you. It is your passions at war within you and controlling you.

2. Repent of letting the desire rule.

  Think about this with me: what do we need to repent of? Not the desire right? Because we said the desire itself may be a good thing.

Instead, we must repent of the way we have allowed the desire to rule or be ultimate.

We know we can repent because God is already faithful and just to forgive our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

The understanding of God’s mercy displayed in the cross of Christ motivates repentance.

Hebrews 4:14–16 ESV

14 Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. 15 For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. 16 Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

      We turn to Jesus and ask him for the help to not be ruled by our desires but be ruled by Him.

  So here is the difference that repentance makes:

I used to need my wife to respect me, and if she didn’t, I would be crushed or enraged.

  In repentance, I would like my wife to respect me. If she doesn’t, I am disappointed but I am able to pursue her in a godly and helpful way.

  It all depends on what I bring to the relationship whether I need and demand her respect or I simply would like to have it.

3. Refocus on God and his grace, provision, and promises.

   God’s grace and his promises are heavier and hold greater weight than any desires in our lives, so they are the only thing that can lead us to control our desires properly.

2 Peter 1:3–4 ESV

3 His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence, 4 by which he has granted to us his precious and very great promises, so that through them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped from the corruption that is in the world because of sinful desire.

I may not have everything I desire today but the presence of Jesus in my life has given me all I need to escape the corruption of my sinful desires.

Luke 10:41–42 ESV

41 But the Lord answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, 42 but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.”

There is truly only one thing necessary for life and eternity.

Psalm 27:10 ESV

10 For my father and my mother have forsaken me, but the Lord will take me in.

If God is for me, who is against me?

Psalm 73:23–26 ESV

23 Nevertheless, I am continually with you; you hold my right hand. 24 You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will receive me to glory. 25 Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. 26 My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

Philippians 4:11–13 ESV

11 Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. 12 I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. 13 I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

God will answer every prayer either the way we have prayed it, or the way we would have prayed it if we were God.

4. Replace sinful responses with Christlike graces.

   What do Christlike and gracious responses look like?

Ephesians 4:1–3 ESV

1 I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, 2 with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, 3 eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.

My worth as a prisoner to Christ and my desire for peace and unity with you are weightier to me than my other desires and wants.

Colossians 3:12–14 ESV

12 Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, 13 bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. 14 And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.

When you do not satisfy my desires, I look to Christ to satisfy in order to be able to compassionately pursue unity with you who needs the same grace that I myself need.