Dating/Marriage

Brandon, I have a confession. I did some digging…actually I hired a professional aka my wife, to do some digging. And we found a photo that you have some answering to do for…

Look at this…I mean what is going on? So, how old were you here? You were old enough to date someone?

So clearly, you and I have been in the dating game a while, we’ve probably learned a few lessons along the way right? HAND OFF TO BRANDON

1. Bad dating advice.

Kiss as many girls as you can so you find the right one.- that’s not gonna end well- or what if you’re like me and you couldn’t find very many girls that have any desire to kiss you… never know if you found the right one.

You have to test drive the car before you buy it.

If there aren’t sparks they aren’t the one. What if there aren’t any sparks? Or what if you feel sparks with every girl you ever meet that actually speaks to you for once?

You can date a non-believer if you bring them to church….share the gospel…etc.

2. What does the Bible say:

Now, in the Bible we don’t see the word, or even our modern concept that we call dating. The closest thing was courtship. If someone wanted to get married there was a whole process between the two families where a man and woman would start courting-meaning they would step into a commited relationship with the intent to get married. Much closer to our idea of engagement today. But any picture of a dating-type of relationship we see encouraged in scripture was all with the intent of marriage in the near future.

That’s where I think a lot of dating today goes wrong is because there’s no clear destination. You can take a lot of wrong turns if you aren’t sure where you are going.

So, to figure out how we should go about DATING, let’s begin with the end in mind and look at what the goal is. What does a biblical marriage look like?

Turn with me to Ephesians 5

We are jumping into the middle of a thought from Paul as he is writing to the church in Ephesus. He is specifically talking to them about life in the Church as Christians and how we should live differently than the world around us. And he then finishes by telling them to worship together, giving thanks to God and submitting to one another in the fear of Christ. That’s the phrase we will be picking up with tonight.

So, with that in mind, let’s jump in at verse 21!

Ephesians 5:21–33 (CSB)

submitting to one another in the fear of Christ.

Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord, because the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of the body. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives are to submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her to make her holy, cleansing her with the washing of water by the word. He did this to present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or anything like that, but holy and blameless. In the same way, husbands are to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hates his own flesh but provides and cares for it, just as Christ does for the church, since we are members of his body. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This mystery is profound, but I am talking about Christ and the church. To sum up, each one of you is to love his wife as himself, and the wife is to respect her husband.

Hopefully you caught a consistent theme in that passage. It applies in and outside of marriage.

As Christians, we are able to submit to one another.

Like we said, in verse 21, Paul in clear that all believers are meant to submit to each other in the Church.

By the power of God’s Holy Spirit at work in us, the church is meant to be a place of mutual submission for the sake of God’s Kingdom!

What does this mean?

Submission is an interesting word.

We are able, in Jesus and by the power of His Spirit in us, to give up our own personal and selfish desires for the sake of God’s Kingdom moving forward in and through God’s people. We submit to Christ and then we are able to selflessly submit to one another.

This is the heart that is meant to be in all Christians, therefore it makes sense that Paul instructs husbands and wives to submit to one another.

Paul clearly shows us that:

2. Husbands and wives must submit to each other to experience marriage as God designed them to.

To be clear, this isn’t an opinion or a good idea, this is a command. First, that we each submit to each other and then Paul breaks down each direction when it comes to marriage.

First, Wife- submit to and respect her husband as the head of the marriage and family. Verses 22-24 are clear- wives are meant to have a relationship of submission to their husbands just as the Church submits to Christ as it’s head!

Then on the other hand Husband- submit to, love, lead, provide for, give himself for his wife.

Reading through that passage we see Paul map on the roles to Jesus and the Church. Just as the church is submitted to Jesus as it’s head, so too wives should submit to their husband as the head. And, as Jesus is the head of the church husbands are to be the head of their wife.

How was Jesus head of the church? Paul lists off a few things: Jesus loved the church (5:25);

He sacrificed His own life for her (v. 25);

He sanctified her (v. 26);

He cleansed her (v. 26);

He presented her (v. 27); and

He “provides and cares for” the church (v. 29).

God has uniquely designed men to lead as the husband and women to follow as the wife. To be clear, this isn’t about having different value or significance. It’s about having order and working together in a complementary way. They each have equal value, but different roles within marriage.

Yes, this is a controversial idea in our world today, it goes against the grain, but here’s the thing:

When we live according to God’s design we can experience life and bear the fruit that God desires!

In marriage, the husband is designed to lead and love and serve his family, the wife is meant to submit to and respect her husbands leadership.

But, all of this hinges on both the husband and wife first submitting to Jesus as Lord individually!

This all falls apart if either the husband or the wife is not submitted to Christ first. Either the husband will abuse his role as leader or fail to lead at all. Or, the wife will fight against the husband for leadership or not respect him.

Again, we must submit to one another to experience marriage as God designed us to.

Brandon, that’s a lot about marriage, but how does that have anything to do with dating?

3. Am I ready to Date?

One of the most important questions you need to ask yourself when making this decision is: 1. Where am I at in my faith? Where are they?

Does your relationship with Jesus look like you are fully submitted to Him as Lord? Not are you perfect, but are you obedient? Are you following Him and continuing to grow in your faith? If you are weak in your faith and struggling to follow Jesus- you are not ready to date someone because you are not ready to consider marrying someone. As a man- you aren’t ready to lead someone if you can’t lead yourself first. As a woman- you won’t be able to submit to a husband’s leadership if you aren’t submitted to Christ’s leadership.

And likewise, is the person you are considering dating at a similar place in their faith to you? Where both of you are at in your relationship with Jesus should be the first determining factor of whether or not you may be ready to date.

BRANDON 2-3 (Physical attraction and How to lead/follow in dating)

Q&A?

4. How do you know they are “the One”?

It’s the wrong questions. There is no perfect person who will complete you. That’s the whole point of this series- only Jesus will Complete you. And no one will be perfect- they will have issues and weaknesses and struggles you will have to love them through and accept them with.

We aren’t looking for THE ONE, we should be looking for God’s ONE For us! Who is the person that as I am following Jesus and on mission for Him that He leads into my path and we begin to follow Jesus together well?

What would you add Brandon?

Practical Steps Today:

Live fully submitted to Jesus today. - Spend daily time in the word, prayer, worship and sharing your faith. Get help if you are struggling with sin in your life. But make sure your life is a life of full submission to Jesus as Lord.

Talk to adults about marriage. Ask your parents, small group leaders, me and Brandon- what they see in you and how you can be ready for marriage and what type of person they think would be a good partner for you! and even make a list of qualities and characteristics you hope to find in your future spouse.

Start praying for your future spouse. If you know God has given you a strong desire to be married one day pray two things starting now- pray for God to help you become a good husband or wife, and pray for Him to prepare your future spouse for you. And ask Him to help you wait for his timing and be patient.

Set boundaries before you’re in a relationship. Remember, if they aren’t your spouse yet, they are considered your brother or sister. So, determine your boundaries now, and be clear before you enter a relationship of what those boundaries will be to keep you guys safe and healthy as you determine if you all are a good fit for marriage in the future.

Wrapping Up:

As we close out tonight we want you to see this- everything in our lives is always meant to point people to the Gospel of Jesus. This is especially true of our relationships. Going back to Ephesians 5 Paul is crystal clear:

3. Marriage ultimately points to the Gospel.

Marriage is a powerful picture of the Gospel. Two people who have been saved by Jesus, dying to themselves so that they can submit to and serve one another. Men loving and leading their wives to serve Jesus together.

Jesus loved us so much and knew he would have to suffer and die so that we could live! And now we get to submit to Him and experience a good and full life with Him as His church!

Likewise in our relationships with one another, we are called to die to ourselves so that we can submit to one another and experience the good and full life that the Holy Spirit can bring to our relationships.

As Christians, we don’t use or manipulate each other in relationships. Instead, we seek to serve and love one another like Jesus.

This is true for husbands and wives in marriage, in our dating relationships and for all Christians in their relationships.

Let’s pray together!

Like we started with, we can’t have relationships of real love and submission without the Holy Spirit within us. If you are here tonight and have never turned to Jesus as Lord and been filled by his spirit, you will continue to experience broken relationships because you are lost in your sin and don’t have the Spirit of God in you to lead you in God’s Love! The good news is that God does love you! He loves you so much that He sent Jesus, his one and only son into the world to save you from your sin! He lived a perfect life and died in your place on the cross to pay for your sins. He rose from the grave and said if you will turn away from your sins and follow Him he will forgive you of your sins, bring you into a personal relationship with God and give you the full life of His kingdom forever! If you are here and haven’t ever been saved and need to follow Jesus as Lord, you can tonight. God WANTS YOU to come back to him and He will breathe life in you and all of your relationships! If that’s you, just raise your hand so I can pray with you!

For christians here tonight lets pray for three things.

Ask God to show you any ways what you aren’t submitted fully to him and ask for His help.

Ask the Holy Spirit to continue to grow you in your ability to to submit to other christians and display the love of Jesus in your relationships.

Ask God to give you wisdom and clarity for when and if you should begin any sort of dating relationship in the future.

Pray.