1 Peter 3:1-12

Living in Harmony: Godly Relationships in Action

Bible Passage: 1 Peter 3:1–7, 1 Peter 3:8–12

Healthy, respectful relationships rooted in Christ's love are witness to a world in need of harmony and hope.

1 In the same way wives, be subordinate to one’s own husband, so that even if some disobey the Word, through the conduct of their wife they may be won over without a word 2 as they observe your respectful and pure conduct. 3 Let your adornment not be merely the external kind, braiding the hair and putting on gold jewelry or putting on beautifying clothing 4 but with the hidden beauty of the heart, with the imperishable beauty of a gentle [humble] and quiet [well-ordered] spirit, which is highly valued in the sight of God.  5 For in this way the holy women of the past, putting their hope in God, made themselves beautiful by being subordinate to their own husband, 6 as Sara obeyed Abraham calling him her master.  You have become her daughters if you do good and are not frightened with any intimidation.

7 Husbands in the same way, live with your wife according to knowledge as with someone weaker, showing  her honor also as a fellow heir of the grace of life so that your prayers are not hindered.

8 And finally, all of you be harmonious, sympathetic, having brotherly love, being compassionate, humble, 9 not repaying evil for evil, or abuse for abuse, but on the other hand, giving a blessing because for this you have been called in order that you may receive a blessing.

10   For the one wishing to love life

                        and to see good days

            Must keep the tongue from speaking evil

                        And the lips from speaking deceit.

            11 Now turn away from evil and do good,

                        look for peace and pursue it.

12 For the eyes of the Lord are upon the righteous

      and his ear is tuned to their prayer.

But the face of the Lord is against those who do evil.

In Peter’s Household Code (2:18 – 3:12), masters and children are not addressed at all (compare with Eph 5:22-6:9; Col 3:18-4:1).  He speaks to slaves using four verses and to wives in six.  Husbands get only 1 verse. 

· Peter here is concerned mostly with those who have the least amount of power and are more exposed to abuse and suffering within the family relationship.

· These potentially abused individuals become a paradigm for the larger church in how we should behave when suffering.  All Christians are at times vulnerable to persecution and suffering from the community and the cultural circles in which we live.

Does submission imply inferiority?  The cultural view in the Greco-Roman world held that women were inferior to men.  Therefore, inferiority required submission to the superior among us (meaning men).  One scholar summarizes Roman culture in this way: 

“Dominant among the elite was the notion that the woman was by nature inferior to the man. Because she lacked the capacity for reason that the male had, she was ruled rather by her emotions, and was as a result given to poor judgment, immorality, intemperance, wickedness, avarice; she was untrustworthy, contentious, and as a result, it was her place to obey.” (Achtemeier, Hermeneia 1 Peter).

In fact, this view has long been held in some form and to varying degrees by most civilizations throughout history. It even dominated western civilization until the end of the 19th century.  Women’s equality with men in society was one of the better achievements of the 20thcentury and is something the Bible, especially in the New Testament, has taught all along.

            Even within Judaism in the first century, women were considered inferior to men.  Women were not allowed to testify in court because they were thought to be unreliable as witnesses and easily persuaded (especially by emotion).  But Jesus changed all this.  He taught women directly when society held that religious education was for men (Luke 10:38-42).  He included women in his ministry.  They travelled with him and were among his leading financial supporters.  Jesus opposed societal norms that marginalized women and treated them as inferior to men.  He spoke with the Samaritan women alone at the well (John 4:1-26).  He defended a woman caught in adultery changing the double standard of the day in how sin was judged (John 8:1-11).  And probably most significant is that after his death, women were the first to witness the resurrected Savior and Jesus gave a woman the responsibility to go and tell the disciples (Matt 28:1-10).

Submission does not imply inferiority.  Biblical submission has more to do with the role we have in our various relationships.  For example, the Lord Jesus is the same substance, essence, and nature as the Father (Col 1:15,19; Heb 11:3).  But Jesus’s role in the Godhead is as a Son who submits to the will of the Father (John 5:30).  With regard to the roles given husbands and wives by God, Adam was made first and Eve came afterward as Adam’s helper (Gen 2:18; 1 Tim 2:13).  She is not inferior but is also made in the image of God, and as Peter says, she is a fellow heir of eternal life and the glory that God will give to us when Jesus returns (Gen 1:27; 1 Pet 3:7).

Unfortunately, it has often been the case that women are mistreated by the one who is supposed to love her as Christ loves the church and who is to lay down his life for her.  Peter recognizes this and according to his purpose in writing to us, that we be holy as the Lord is holy and keep our conduct honorable especially among unbelievers (1 Peter 1:16; 2:12), he encourages wives to keep their conduct pleasing to God and to endure the difficulties of having a husband who is disobedient to the Word of God.

Submissive Strength Transforms

Verses 1 and 2 says, “1 In the same way wives, be subordinate to one’s own husband, so that even if some disobey the Word, through the conduct of their wife they may be won over without a word 2 as they observe your respectful and pure conduct.”  A wife is to submit to her husband.  The husband’s role is to lead the family.  Even if he is disobedient to the Word, she is to be subordinate.  Peter says a husband who lives in disobedience to God may be won over to faith in Christ as he observes her respectful and pure behavior.   It takes great strength to act with good behavior, with kindness and gentleness when those who are over you ridicule, demean, demand, and don’t appreciate you.  This is not to say that a wife is required to stay in a marriage where she is abused or where the husband is unfaithful.  “It does not mean that if your husband asks you to abandon your faith in Christ, you should do so. It does not mean that if your husband asks you to sin, you should do so. It does not mean that you must always agree with him and never present a differing view. It does not mean that if he is unfaithful to you, you are left without Biblical recourse. And it does not mean that if he abuses you physically or abandons you through incessant verbal humiliation, you must remain quietly in the home and accept the daily cruelty of that relationship at all costs.”[1]

In the ancient world, a wife was expected, even required to follow the religious beliefs of her husband.  Peter addresses a situation where the wife has made the decision to follow Christ, which may bring unpleasant consequences from her husband.  But if as Paul puts it, the husband consents to stay with his wife, she should not leave (1 Cor 7:13).  There is also the situation where the husband may be a believer but, as Peter puts it, he is disobedient to the Word of God.  Maybe he has stopped going to church.  Maybe he has taken up some bad and sinful habits (like drinking or gambling).  Peter wants to encourage women in these situations to remain faithful to the Lord and conduct themselves with behavior that is pleasing to God.  The husband will see her good deeds and the Lord will use this to speak to the man’s heart.  She doesn’t need to preach to him but becomes a strong witness to the power of God’s as he observes her respectful and pure conduct – the changes in her life as she is obedient to the Lord.

Inner Beauty Inspires

            Verse 3 says, “3 Let your adornment not be merely the external kind, braiding the hair and putting on gold jewelry or putting on beautifying clothing, 4 but with the hidden beauty of the heart, with the imperishable beauty of a gentle [humble] and quiet [well-ordered] spirit, which is highly valued in the sight of God.”  There are some who take this verse to mean that a woman should never beautify herself with jewelry, fine clothing, makeup and expensive hairdos.  But this is not what Peter is saying.

            Most woman notice that when they are dressed up and look their best, men often treat them differently.   Some women will rely on such external trimmings in order to be treated differently - better.  Peter says that a godly woman should be more concerned with the inner beauty of the heart.  Proverbs 31:30 (ESV) says,

30 Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

A young girl once told her grandmother she wished she could be as beautiful as a celebrity she saw on TV. The grandmother replied, 'Sweetheart, beauty fades, but kindness and love are timeless. One day, people will remember your heart more than your face.' This lighthearted exchange reminds us that real beauty comes from within, reflecting the love of Christ we carry in our hearts. After all, in 1 Samuel 16:7 we learn that God looks at the heart, not the outward appearance.  Inward beauty is highly valued by God, more precious than silver or gold.

            Ladies, there is nothing wrong with beautiful clothing, jewelry, makeup and hairdos.  As Pastor Chuck Swindoll once put, “If the barn needs painting, paint it.”  But women of faith do not rely on outward modifications in order to be more acceptable or appreciated by their husband.  Peter uses Sarah as an example.  But instead do good in honor of their relationship with God.  Sarah called her husband lord or master.  Men like to jokingly quote this passage. But the actual context is telling.  Peter refers Genesis 18:10–12 (ESV)

10 The Lordsaid, “I will surely return to you about this time next year, and Sarah your wife shall have a son.” And Sarah was listening at the tent door behind him. 11Now Abraham and Sarah were old, advanced in years. The way of women had ceased to be with Sarah. 12 So Sarah laughed to herself, saying, “After I am worn out, and my lord is old, shall I have pleasure?”  For Sarah, the thought of having a child at 90 years of age was almost to much to imagine.  She laughed and refers to herself as “worn out”.  But with respect and dignity, instead of calling Abraham an old man, she refers to him as Lord and as being old.  This was showing honor and respect to her husband.  So men, Sarah didn’t go around bowing to Abraham and calling him master.  But she always treated him with respect, especially in how she spoke about him.  This is what Paul refers to in Ephesians 5:33, “let the wife see that she respects her husband.”   Peter ends his encouragement to wives in verse 6, “You have become her daughters if you do good and are not frightened with any intimidation.” Doing good and not living in fear or being intimidated by your husband is behavior that God will use to win your husband to faith in Christ.

Thoughtful Husbands Will Be Heard

Verse 7, while short, is direct and powerful.  It is something a man should take seriously and walk in the fear of the Lord when it comes to his relationship with his wife.

7 Husbands in the same way, live with your wife according to knowledge as with someone weaker, showing  her honor also as a fellow heir of the grace of life so that your prayers are not hindered.

Live with her according to knowledge.  What knowledge, we might ask?  Two areas are made clear in the verse.  First, live with her appropriately knowing she is the weaker vessel.  Physically she is weaker than you.  Treat her with tenderness and care, not with roughness and force.  Second, live with her knowing that she also is a fellow heir of the grace of life.  She is equal with you in the grace God gives through Jesus our Lord.  She is not inferior to you in any way.  In fact, your role in the marriage relationship is to give yourself up for her as Jesus has done for his bride, the church (Eph 5:25).  

The NASB translates verse 7 “Husbands, live with your wife in an understanding way”.  It is your duty to understand her, no excuses.  To understand her takes effort.  You have to work at it.  When it comes to giving instruction to men in the marriage relationship, Scripture has much more to say to you than it does to her.  For her it is simple – respect your husband and submit to him.  For men – we are told to love her (she doesn’t have to be told to love her husband).  We are told to give ourselves up for her.  Self-centered living comes easily to a man.  Women are better at loving and living selflessly for others.  And lastly, men are told to understand their wife – women are never told to live with their husband with understanding.  She gets you.  This is why she is called a helpmeet, a helper.  She is able to help you in the areas you need the most – she knows who you are and in Christ she knows who you are capable of becoming.  She sees the difference and work to help you be the man of God He wants you to become.

Men, if you don’t do these things, God won’t listen to you when you pray.  He won’t answer your prayers.  How you treat your wife and the relationship you have with her directly reflects the relationship you have with God.

I close with this:  8 And finally, all of you be harmonious, sympathetic, having brotherly love, being compassionate, humble, 9 not repaying evil for evil, or abuse for abuse, but on the other hand, giving a blessing because for this you have been called in order that you may receive a blessing.

10   For the one wishing to love life

                        and to see good days

            Must keep the tongue from speaking evil

                        And the lips from speaking deceit.

            11 Now turn away from evil and do good,

                        look for peace and pursue it.

12 For the eyes of the Lord are upon the righteous

      and his ear is tuned to their prayer.

But the face of the Lord is against those who do evil.

Amen.

[1] David R. Helm, 1 & 2 Peter and Jude: Sharing Christ’s Sufferings, Preaching the Word (Wheaton, IL: Crossway Books, 2008). Page 102.  Exported from Logos Bible Study, 5:40 AM March 2, 2025.