John 17:20-23: Handling Conflict Biblically: How to Fight For Unity

Scripture Reading

Colossians 3:12–14 Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.

Intro

Conflict is inevitable.

In this fallen and sinful world you are not going to be able to avoid it.

Whether its at work, in our families, at our church…

There are always going to be disagreements… arguments… and even sins committed against one another.

The question is how do you handle conflict biblically?

How do you navigate conflict in a God honoring way?

Because here’s the hard truth… our conflict does not exist somewhere out there.

The truth of the matter is our conflict starts in here… in our heart.

Conflict is inevitable… but how you respond to it is not.

You can engage in conflict in a God-honoring way or in a sinful way.

The choice is up to you.

In John 17:20-23, Jesus said…

John 17:20–23 I do not ask for these only, but also for those who will believe in me through their word, that they may all be one… that they may be one even as we are one… that they may become perfectly one, so that the world may know that you sent me and loved them even as you loved me.

The last few weeks we’ve been looking at Unity and how important it is for us to fight for it as a church.

To guard against division and to use Paul’s words, stand firm in one spirit, with one mind striving side by side for the faith of the gospel (Philippians 1:27).

And one of the most important tools we have for fighting for that unity is engaging in conflict biblically.

To not be ruled by sinful passions and works of the flesh but put on the New Man and work through conflict with the mind of Christ.

So that’s what we are going to look at this morning.

Handling Conflict Biblically.

How do we engage in conflict… however it comes… in a God-honoring, Christ-following, Spirit-led way?

What are the biblical principles for handling conflict?

And this is not just practical for us as a church.

These are principles you can practice in your marriage… with your parents… in your parenting with your children.

At your work… in your friendships… with your family members… and other Christians or other people who think differently or hold a different opinion than you.

There’s theological conflict, political conflict, relational conflict.

No matter what it is whenever the sparks start to fly, the goal is to clothe ourselves with Christ and make no provision for the flesh (Romans 13:14).

We are going to have four points today, and a lot of this comes from a great little book by Alexander Strauch called If you Bite and Devour One Another: Biblical Principles for Handling Conflict.

I highly recommend it to you.

Its honestly the best book I’ve ever ready on the topic and if every leader and church member read it our church and every church would be better off.

First we are going to look at how destructive and evil it is sow division and engage in conflict with the works of the flesh.

And then we are going to look at three principles to help us in the midst of conflict to guard against division and fight for unity in the body:

Control the Anger

Control the Tongue

Strive to love one another as Christ as loved us.

Let’s start with point number 1…

I. Division is a Community Destroying Work of the Flesh

Galatians 5:19–21 Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.

Notice that at least eight of the works of the flesh are relational sins… enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, and envy.

Basically putting yourself first and engaging in conflict in a way that says win at all cost.

That way of thinking is part of the Old, Sinful Man.

We see conflict and immediately engage with strife, quarrels, fits of anger… sin!… and everywhere sin goes it brings death.

Death to relationships… death to fellowship, harmony, and peace…

If you want to kill a church… or kill a marriage… or destroy a family just let these sins go unchecked.

Let them run rampant and you’ll see the destruction they all leave in their wake.

And these works of the flesh are in direct opposition to the Fruit of the Spirit… the New Spiritual Man, we are in Christ.

Just two verses before this in Galatians 5:17 Paul said the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other.

We cannot be walking in the Spirit as we are living out the works of the flesh.

In the Right?

Practically… one of the things this means is if our attitude or behavior is characterized by any of these works of the flesh… anger, bitterness, backbiting, fighting… we are automatically in the wrong.

It doesn’t matter how “right” you think you are or how “righteous” your cause… when these sins come out we are not walking in the Spirit.

For all of us this should put an automatic check on our spirit… when the anger starts to bubble up and we start building that biting word… what spirit are we walking in?… the Old Man or the New?

The Holy Spirit does not lead people into these sins… you might think you’re right… you might think your justified… but none of that justifies living out the works of the flesh.

It doesn’t matter how hurt we are how hurt we might feel… the Fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. (Galatians 5:22-23).

The moment we feel that tug… that pull towards anger… that pull towards impatience… a biting word… we should immediately stop and say, “Am I living out the Old Man or the New? Am I walking in Christ by the Spirit or am I living out the desires of the flesh?”

The desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh.

The anger and the heat of the conflict clouds everything… everything gets fuzzy and we start living out what comes natural to us (cf. 1 Corinthians 3:3).

But we are called to be sober-minded… not driven by the passions of our flesh but self-controlled (1 Peter 1:13, Galatians 5:22).

This is one of the most important things we can understand about conflict because so many of us are used to just going along with our passions… wherever our emotions take us… instead of taking every thought captive and making it submit to the will of Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5).

We don’t stop ourselves and say, “What spirit am I walking in here?”

“Am I just giving into anger… giving into impatience… or submitting in all things… even the heat of the moment to the will of Christ?”

The Works of the Flesh destroy and bring death… they are not keeping in step with the Spirit (Galatians 5:25).

Bite and Devour

And here’s the danger of just living out your passions.

Of giving into the Works of the Flesh when the heat of conflict rises up.

Of not living out the Fruit of the Spirit even when its hard.

Galatians 5:14-15… so right before Paul talks about the works of the flesh and the Fruit of the Spirit Paul says…

Galatians 5:14–15 For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” But if you bite and devour one another, watch out that you are not consumed by one another.

In other words, mutually assured destruction.

Whether we are talking about your marriage… your family… our our church… Paul says, “Watch out!… If you keep giving into works of the flesh you’re going to destroy to one another.

You’re going to eat each other alive!

Sin brings death. Sin destroys.

And Division, quarrelling, and anger are community destroying works of the flesh.

Two Wisdoms

James gets at this idea in James 3:13-14.

He says…

James 3:13–14 Who is wise and understanding among you? By his good conduct let him show his works in the meekness of wisdom. But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth.

That bitter jealousy is a “sour resentment” towards on another.

So James is saying if you have a sour resentment and selfish ambition in your hearts… thinking and living only for yourself… do not boast and be false to the truth.

Verse 15…

James 3:15–18 This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic.

Harsh words.

Earthly meaning worldly or natural… the Old Sinful Man… unspiritual, and demonic.

Division… anger… fights and quarrels… demonic.

For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice.

So all the works of the flesh.

But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, [meaning you can work together and work through things with one another] full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.

So you have the wisdom that is from below and the wisdom that is from above.

The Wisdom from Below is dominated by the flesh… earthly, unspiritual, and demonic.

It leads to disorder and every vile practice.

Strife.

Enmity.

Fits of anger.

Division.

Corrupting talk and corrupting speech.

But the Wisdom from Above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy, full of good fruits, impartial and sincere, and instead of disorder and every vile practice it leads to a harvest of righteousness and here’s the key… peace.

Sweet fellowship.

In our conflicts are we living out the the Wisdom from Below or the Wisdom from Above…

Are we living out the passions of our flesh doing what seems best to us?

Or are we living out God’s own wisdom revealed in His Word?

Remember the Garden?

So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was to be desired to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate… (Genesis 3:6).

Summary

If you bite and devour one another, watch out that you are not consumed by one another (Galatians 5:15).

The Wisdom from Below giving into the works of the flesh it will destroy the relationships you care about most.

If anger, quarrels, strife and bitterness are running rampant in our church, in your family, in your marriage, at your work, with your friends…

Its only a matter of time until it all falls apart… Maybe not right way but its coming.

You reap what you sow… Its the iron clad law of the universe (Galatians 6:7-9).

If you sow seeds of death don’t be surprised when everything gets destroyed.

Root out the works of the flesh as soon as you see them in your own heart.

Culture

Particularly with you men… start with your heart and then do all that you can to build your marriage, your family, and this church on a culture of the Fruit of the Spirit.

Those seeds of sin may seem small now but they will destroy everything you love most.

You’re always building something.

And if we aren’t actively building a culture of the Fruit of the Spirit first in our hearts and then in our sphere of responsibility the Wisdom from Below and the works of the flesh will be more than happy to come and fill in that vacuum.

Culture doesn’t just happen.

Healthy marriages… happy marriages… healthy churches don’t just appear out of thin air.

You get what you build… you reap what you sow.

How

And that brings us to the very important question… How?

What does it look like to handle conflict biblically?

To walk by the Spirit and live out the Wisdom from Above?

And there are three biblical principles we must follow when engaging in conflict.

Control the Anger

Control the Tongue

Strive to love one another as Christ loved us.

Let’s start with the first with point number 2…

II. Control the Anger

Anger is interesting because anger is one of those sins we don’t really talk about.

Its one of those “acceptable” sins.

We would never steal, think about getting drunk, or committing adultery on our spouse… and yet we give into unrestrained anger and give full vent to our spirit all the time (Proverbs 29:11).

We snap at our spouse… yell at our kids… we harbor bitter thoughts against someone in our church.

Where would never consider murdering someone… we commit murder in our heart every day at the slightest offense or inconvenience (Matthew 5:21-22, 1 John 3:15).

Righteous Anger

Now it is possible to have a righteous anger.

God Himself is a righteous judge, Psalm 7, and a God who feels indignation every day (Psalm 7:11).

And Jesus Himself was surely righteous when He made a whip of cords and drove the money changers out of the Temple saying do not make my Father’s house and house of trade.

But Righteous anger is concerned with righteousness and the Holiness of God.

Its an anger that abhors injustice… immorality… wickedness… blaspheming the Name of the Lord.

For example we should be angry about the sin of abortion… the murder of unborn innocents.

But most of the time we are only angry for ourselves.

We don’t have an righteous anger but an unrighteous anger that is not concerned with the Name of the Lord but our own.

We make ourselves little gods.

How dare they do that to me!… How dare they talk like that to me!

And in our anger pour out our wrath on anyone who dare stands against us… who does not honor our name.

Now you might think that’s insane, but isn’t that what we functionally do when we give full vent to our spirit… yelling, cutting, hurting… we want to make the other person pay?

Paul says…

Ephesians 4:26–27 Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.

Now its possible that Paul is talking about righteous anger, but its also possible that what Paul is saying do not be overcome by your sinful anger.

When anger rushes up… do not sin.

Do not hold onto your anger… don’t let the sun go down on it and give no opportunity to the devil.

Anger is dangerous because it opens up the door for all other kinds of sin.

Anger is Self-Deceiving and Self-Justifying.

When we are angry we can deceive ourselves and justify all kinds of works of the flesh.

Hostility, slander, gossip, corrupting talk, backbiting, cruel words… (2 Corinthians 12:20).

We ignore those sins… because they deserve it.

This is why James says the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God (James 1:20).

The anger of man is when you are only angry for yourself… Little g God.

And when you are angry only for yourself you’re on the cliff.

Its not going to produce works righteousness but only works of the flesh.

Your self-serving, unrighteous anger will only lead to death.

Want

The anger of man is all rooted in you making yourself a Little g God.

look at what James says in James 4:1-2…

And keep in mind this is right after James talked about the Wisdom that is from Above… this is the very next verse.

James 4:1–2 What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel.

What James says here has a profound impact on how we understand our anger.

We fight and we quarrel because we don’t get what we want.

What we would never tolerate from our toddlers we give into day after day.

We throw temper tantrums.

We want what we want and how dare they stand in the way of that.

It’s that Little g God idea… they should serve me… everyone should serve me… I’m the Almighty.

So when you get in a fight in your marriage you want what you want and they are standing in the way of that.

So the conflict escalates… Neither one of you is backing down… instead of being one flesh for each other you are against each other and instead of serving one another you only serve yourself.

And then what happens?

You want what you want… you’re not getting what you want… so you resort to more desperate measures.

You give into fits of anger and works of the flesh and justify all kinds of other sins… because we want what we want and you’ll get it no matter the cost!

Its all rooted in pride and selfish ambition thinking only of ourselves.

This is why Peter says, “Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble” (1 Peter 5:5).

If you’re struggling with anger you need to check yourself and ask, “Am I making myself a Little g God towards others asking them to bow down and obey me?”

Love

This kind of anger is the opposite of love.

1 Corinthians 13:4–5 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful…

It other words its not easily provoked or easily angered.

When conflict escalates… control the anger.

When the heat of conflict rises and we start to feel that anger boiling over… when the embers of anger begin to stir up in our heart we need to smother the flames before they can ever catch light.

Proverbs 29:11 A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back.

The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness,… and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23).

One of the things that would revolutionize how we engage in conflict overnight is if we were more concerned about Christ and our conduct in the midst of conflict than we were about winning the argument.

Where Christ is the ultimate and whatever we might want… whether its good or bad… especially if its bad… takes a back seat.

Every conflict or disagreement is a test of whether we are going to live out Christlike character and the fruit of the Spirit or give into the works of the flesh.

Control the Anger.

Point 3…

III. Control the Tongue

This is where controlling the anger really comes into practice because in the midst conflict our tongue is the most destructive weapon that we have.

Again we go to James.

James 3:5–8 So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things. How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell. For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.

Notice what James says.

An unrestrained tongue… loose words that are not brought under the control of the Holy Spirit… is a fire and world of unrighteousness.

Its set on fire by hell… setting on fire the entire course of life burning down everything it touches.

It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.

How we use our tongues determines whether we handle conflict in a biblical and Christlike manner.

But you might say we can’t control the tongue!

James says right there it cannot be tamed.

Not on our own.

But by the Holy Spirit.

Even our words are to be brought into submission to Christ.

Jesus said I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak (Matthew 12:36).

How we speak to one another… especially in conflict… gives a profound indication of our heart and the genuineness of our faith.

Jesus said Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. The good person out of his good treasure brings forth good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure brings forth evil (Matthew 12:34-35).

And James even says in James 1:26 If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this person’s religion is worthless.

As Proverbs says Death and life are in the power of the tongue (Proverbs 18:21).

With it we can cut and destroy… tear down one another and relationships… or we can build up… encourage, strengthen, and love.

Because our tongues are not meant for cursing and backbiting but for building one another up in love.

Look at…

Ephesians 4:29–32 Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

Words in a conflict that build up are words that are working towards a resolution striving for unity and not belittling the other person.

So harsh words… criticism… demeaning language… putting each other down should have no place in our speech with one another.

James says From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so (James 3:10).

We are called to bless… build up… not to curse.

Not to fan the flame but work towards peace.

Again James says Do not speak evil against one another (James 4:11).

In other words, don’t degrade each other put each other down.

How often in the midst of conflict do we just let words fly?

We belittle each other… put each other in the worst possible light.

Try to dig… try to jab… not realizing those very words stir up strife.

They play right into the works of the flesh.

To handle conflict biblically we must control the tongue.

It is a fire that has the power to burn marriages, families, and our church ablaze all to the ground.

Application

So what do we do?

What does it look like to control the anger and control the tongue especially in the heat of an argument or we start to feel that conflict rising up?

Number 1…

1. Pray

It seems simple, but the moment we feel that anger boiling up we need to take it to the Lord and ask for wisdom and control.

Be transformed by the renewal of your mind… Lord I know I’m getting angry and being tempted with the works of the flesh… please keep me… please help me to walk by the Spirit and honor you.

Closely related to this… Number 2…

2. Smother the Flames

Don’t allow your anger to boil over into works of the flesh.

This is where you hammer self-control by the Spirit’s grace and power.

So much of biblically handling conflict is practicing self-control and not being dominated by our thoughts or emotions.

That spark of impatience needs to be snuffed out.

You feel that tension where you’re about to snap at your spouse or yell at your kids?

Pray and smother the flames.

Don’t say one word until you have control over your emotions… the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.

No good can come from acting or speaking out in anger… Sin brings death.

3. Assume the Best

So many arguments and disagreements happen because we assume the worst about the other person.

We assume the worst heart or the worst motives behind their actions.

And so we enter into that conflict on the attack and immediately put them in a defensive position and the conflict escalates.

4. Turn the Other Cheek

Practice the principle of non-retaliation.

Jesus said, If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also (Matthew 5:39).

One of the difficulties of biblically dealing with conflict is that we are not only dealing with our own anger but we are also dealing with the anger of others, and nobodies perfect.

We’re going to sin… they’re going to sin.

The key is don’t escalate the conflict… don’t take a harsh word and make it one for one.

Proverbs 15:1 A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

So many arguments escalate because we have a get even mentality… you hurt me I hurt you (cf. Proverbs 12:18).

But listen to what the Bible says.

Repay no one evil for evil (Romans 12:17).

Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing (1 Peter 3:9).

Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good (Romans 12:21).

No matter what happens, refuse to let your anger boil over.

Refuse to say anything that is not for the building up and remember building up is striving for a resolution and unity with the other person.

You can’t do that if you keep widening the gulf with harsh or biting words.

Love brings the temperature down… it doesn’t ratchet it up.

Stop throwing wood on the fire and digging yourself a hole.

Blessed are the Peacemakers (Matthew 5:9).

We are called to love our enemies and bless those who persecute you (Matthew 5:44, Romans 12:14, 1 Corinthians 4:12-13).

How much more our husband or wife… son or daughter… mother or father or brother and sister in Christ?

Number 5…

5. Be Quick to Repent and Quick to Forgive

How many arguments would never even start if we were quick to repent and quick to forgive?

If we would just humble ourselves, confess our sin, and walk in the forgiveness of Christ.

Cause here’s what happens.

When we aren’t humble and quick to repent the argument becomes about your own hard headed-ness.

Or you start arguing and it all becomes a Log/Speck Contest.

You did this… you did that… you ALWAYS do this…

Trying to prove which one of you is really worst so you don’t have to deal with your own sin!

How much time do we waste prolonging an argument or escalating an argument because we are unwilling to repent.

We don’t need to be ashamed… there is grace in Christ… for all our sins.

How hard is it to own up and say, “You know what? You’re right. I’m sorry.”

And that’s the same kind grace we are called to give one another.

Forgive one another as your heavenly Father forgives you (Ephesians 4:32).

Forgiving one another 70 times 7… as much as it takes (Matthew 18:21-22).

Summary

So for controlling the anger and controlling the tongue we need to:

One. Pray

Two: Smother the Flames of Anger

Three: Assume the Best

Four: Turn the Other Cheek

And Five: Be Quick to Repent and Quick to Forgive.

And finally… if that’s how we all defensively guard against the works of the flesh…

The way we positively fight for unity by striving to love one another as Christ has loved us.

And that’s our conclusion and point number 4…

IV. Strive to Love One Another as Christ Loved Us

Philippians 2:3-8 Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.

Jesus gave us a picture of this in the Gospel of John when He washed the disciples feet.

When we looked at that passage we said that Philippians 2 was the theological significance of the sign of Jesus washing the disciples feet.

He emptied Himself meaning He nullified or humbled Himself taking the form of the Servant.

While being God, He took a towel around and made Himself the lowest of the lowest slave.

He died to Himself and put others first and put Himself last.

Like Paul said He counted others more significant than Himself.

When Jesus washed the Disciples feet He said I have given you an example, that you also should do just as I have done to you (John 13:15).

He wasn’t talking about washing each others feet.

He was talking about following the model of Christ and dying to ourselves for the good of others.

Counting others more significant than yourselves and counting yourself as a slave to all.

Have this mind among yourselves… the first will be last and the last will be first…

Whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be slave of all (Mark 10:43–44).

Loving one another looks like humbling ourselves… and dying to ourselves… for the good others.

Even in conflict Christ calls us to die to ourself.

That’s what Christ did for us.

He laid down His life on the cross and said A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you (John 13:34).

Its the opposite of selfish ambition and the works of the flesh.

Its a humble sacrificial love that puts others first and puts ourselves last… even in the heat of conflict.

As John said in 1 John 3:16 By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us,… and we ought to lay down our lives for [one another].

Let’s Pray