Apologizing That Makes A Difference
Biblical Peacemaking • Sermon • Submitted • Presented
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Handout
Three-Step Conflict Resolution Model:
Step #1 – Please God
Step #2 – Repent
A. Heart Sins (beliefs & motives)
B. Behavior Sins (words & actions)
Step #3 – Love
How to Confess Your Behavioral Sins
Step #1: Identify Your Offenses.
Step #1: Identify Your Offenses.
1) Start with prayerful, self-examination, before God, in light of Scripture.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart!
Try me and know my thoughts!
24 And see if there be any grievous way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting!
22 But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. 23 For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks intently at his natural face in a mirror. 24 For he looks at himself and goes away and at once forgets what he was like. 25 But the one who looks into the perfect law, the law of liberty, and perseveres, being no hearer who forgets but a doer who acts, he will be blessed in his doing.
9 The heart is deceitful above all things,
and desperately sick;
who can understand it?
10 “I the Lord search the heart
and test the mind,
to give every man according to his ways,
according to the fruit of his deeds.”
Still not sure?
· Get counsel from a wise Christian to help you see sinful blind spots and coach you
· Go to the person and humbly ask, “Have I offended you? How? I’d like to try to make it right with you.”
23 So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, 24 leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.
2) Write a specific “Plank List”
Step #2: Confess Your Sins to God and Receive His Forgiveness
Step #2: Confess Your Sins to God and Receive His Forgiveness
1) Always begin with God.
3 For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is ever before me.
4 Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you may be justified in your words
and blameless in your judgment.
5 I acknowledged my sin to you,
and I did not cover my iniquity;
I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the Lord,”
and you forgave the iniquity of my sin. Selah
9 He is not greater in this house than I am, nor has he kept back anything from me except you, because you are his wife. How then can I do this great wickedness and sin against God?”
2) Go to God in prayer to confess and renounce them, to receive his pardon in Christ, and to seek his help to change.
1 Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your steadfast love;
according to your abundant mercy
blot out my transgressions.
2 Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,
and cleanse me from my sin!
13 Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper,
but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy.
9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
Step #3: Confess Your Sins to the Other Person and Seek His Forgiveness
Step #3: Confess Your Sins to the Other Person and Seek His Forgiveness
1. Address everyone involved.
1. Address everyone involved.
16 So I always take pains to have a clear conscience toward both God and man.
If I had an outburst in front of my wife and my kids, confessing only to my wife is insufficient. I must also go to my kids.
On the other hand, do not bring others into a conflict who are not involved.
9 Whoever covers an offense seeks love,
but he who repeats a matter separates close friends.
2. Avoid “if” or “but” language.
2. Avoid “if” or “but” language.
The best way to ruin a confession is by using words that shift the blame to others and seek to minimize or excuse your guilt.
Why not?
“If” – I don’t know or care if I hurt you or not and I will probably do it again
“But” – It was really your fault
3. Admit specifically as sin.
3. Admit specifically as sin.
Helps show your sincerity and sorrow
Helps you make specific changes
4. Acknowledge the hurt.
4. Acknowledge the hurt.
Express regret over how your sin hurt the other person.
Realize that the person may be reluctant to admit his/her hurts.
5. Accept the consequences.
5. Accept the consequences.
Restitution
8 And Zacchaeus stood and said to the Lord, “Behold, Lord, the half of my goods I give to the poor. And if I have defrauded anyone of anything, I restore it fourfold.” 9 And Jesus said to him, “Today salvation has come to this house, since he also is a son of Abraham.
5 And the Lord spoke to Moses, saying, 6 “Speak to the people of Israel, When a man or woman commits any of the sins that people commit by breaking faith with the Lord, and that person realizes his guilt, 7 he shall confess his sin that he has committed. And he shall make full restitution for his wrong, adding a fifth to it and giving it to him to whom he did the wrong. 8 But if the man has no next of kin to whom restitution may be made for the wrong, the restitution for wrong shall go to the Lord for the priest, in addition to the ram of atonement with which atonement is made for him. 9 And every contribution, all the holy donations of the people of Israel, which they bring to the priest, shall be his. 10 Each one shall keep his holy donations: whatever anyone gives to the priest shall be his.”
1 The Lord spoke to Moses, saying, 2 “If anyone sins and commits a breach of faith against the Lord by deceiving his neighbor in a matter of deposit or security, or through robbery, or if he has oppressed his neighbor 3 or has found something lost and lied about it, swearing falsely—in any of all the things that people do and sin thereby— 4 if he has sinned and has realized his guilt and will restore what he took by robbery or what he got by oppression or the deposit that was committed to him or the lost thing that he found 5 or anything about which he has sworn falsely, he shall restore it in full and shall add a fifth to it, and give it to him to whom it belongs on the day he realizes his guilt.
Loss of privileges or possessions
Christians must not confuse consequences with punishment. Remember that God punished Jesus your substitute for your sin (Rom 8:1, 31-34; 1 Pet 2:24; 3:18). However, there may be remaining consequences that you must bear for your sins (2 Sam 12)
13 David said to Nathan, “I have sinned against the Lord.” And Nathan said to David, “The Lord also has put away your sin; you shall not die. 14 Nevertheless, because by this deed you have utterly scorned the Lord, the child who is born to you shall die.” 15 Then Nathan went to his house.
And the Lord afflicted the child that Uriah’s wife bore to David, and he became sick.
17 “But when he came to himself, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired servants have more than enough bread, but I perish here with hunger! 18 I will arise and go to my father, and I will say to him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you. 19 I am no longer worthy to be called your son. Treat me as one of your hired servants.” ’ 20 And he arose and came to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion, and ran and embraced him and kissed him. 21 And the son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’
Slowness by the person to forgive or trust you
19 A brother offended is more unyielding than a strong city,
and quarreling is like the bars of a castle.
6. Alter your behavior, or at least explain how you intend to do so.
6. Alter your behavior, or at least explain how you intend to do so.
Practical plan to avoid recurrence? Can you state it?
Helps show your sincerity and sorrow
Helps you make specific changes
Helps enlist the person as an ally in your fight against your sin
7. Ask for forgiveness and allow time.
7. Ask for forgiveness and allow time.
Don’t demand forgiveness. Allow time, especially….
If the person grants you forgiveness, clarify what he means
Realize the person might minimize your sin
What If the Person Won’t Forgive You?
What If the Person Won’t Forgive You?
1. Allow more time.
2. Pray for him; don’t pressure him.
3. Ask for any reasons why he won’t, and try to deal with them biblically.
4. Repeat, in different words, several or all of the 7 A’s.
5. Acknowledge that you understand that it may be hard for him to forgive.
6. Beware of . . .
Self-righteous, condescending attitudes
Lecturing him
Minimizing your sin
Bitterness/resentment growing
Demanding, idolizing forgiveness
7. Encourage him to get biblical counsel and/or to read Ken Sande, The Peacemaker or Patrick Morison, Forgive! As the Lord Forgave You.
8. If you have sincerely followed the 7 A’s and the above steps and he still refuses . . .
Realize that you’ve done what God called you to do, and by faith hear God’s voice, “well done, good and faithful servant.”
18 If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.
Entrust yourself to God’s justice
19 Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.”
23 When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly.
Continue to ask God to grant him repentance and grant you ongoing wisdom and love.
Distinguish between your concerns and your responsibilities in the relationship.
9. In some cases, you may need to confront him about his sin of unforgiveness and bring other believers as witnesses or mediators.
3 Pay attention to yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him, 4 and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him.”
15 “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. 16 But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. 17 If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.
21 Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” 22 Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times.
23 “Therefore the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his servants. 24 When he began to settle, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents. 25 And since he could not pay, his master ordered him to be sold, with his wife and children and all that he had, and payment to be made. 26 So the servant fell on his knees, imploring him, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you everything.’ 27 And out of pity for him, the master of that servant released him and forgave him the debt. 28 But when that same servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii, and seizing him, he began to choke him, saying, ‘Pay what you owe.’ 29 So his fellow servant fell down and pleaded with him, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you.’ 30 He refused and went and put him in prison until he should pay the debt. 31 When his fellow servants saw what had taken place, they were greatly distressed, and they went and reported to their master all that had taken place. 32 Then his master summoned him and said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. 33 And should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?’ 34 And in anger his master delivered him to the jailers, until he should pay all his debt. 35 So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart.”
