Dating Friendships (How to Date)

Introduction

Write down what is permissible in a dating relationship that is not permissible in a friendship with the opposite sex. Back up this with Scripture.

What are your physical and emotional “boundaries” when it comes to dating? Why is ______ the line and not more or less? What is your standard based on?

Is it objective or subjective?

What Are Dating Friendships?

“Two friends getting to know one another with a view toward marriage.”

Precursor to the marriage relationship without the romantic and sexual overtones that a typical dating relationship has.

There are four components of a dating friendship. . .

Maintains the sexual purity in a neighbor relationship.

Involves clear communication.

Dating as an activity rather than a category of relationship.

Dating friendships makes exclusivity voluntary.

1. Maintains the Neighbor Relationship

Define the three relationships in the Bible.

Family, Neighbor, Marriage.

Only one is permissible for sexual intimacy.

There is no “fourth category” of a “dating relationship” in Scripture that changes the call for sexual purity.

This means anything that arouses sexual desire, excitement, thoughts, etc. is only permissible in a marriage relationship. If it is outside the marriage relationship, it is sexual immorality.

Matthew 5:27–28 ESV

27 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ 28 But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

“It is not wrong to desire a sexual relationship with one’s wife or to desire a sexual relationship in general. Both of these desires have legitimate objects as their goal. But when we direct our sexual desire toward someone who is not our spouse, we have moved into sin, for now we desire something that is not ours to possess.” -Gerald Hiestand and Jay Thomas

Thus, sexual lust is not just when we have “fantasies” about a person, but anytime we desire someone sexually who should not be desired. Anytime we have a sexual desire for anyone but our spouse, we have moved into the category of lust.

Jesus’ whole point is that we must not only do the right thing, but desire the right thing.

As Christians, We must not only control our actions but also our desires and pursue holiness.

It is all about how we perceive people and things.

If we are fully convinced that sexual immorality displeases God and will harm us and the other person, it loses its grip on us and does not awaken within us sexual desire.

The only way this can occur is being completely satisfied and in love with Jesus. . . walking in the fullness of the Spirit.

So, if sexual relations are only permissible and commanded in the marital relationship but prohibited in the neighbor and family relationship. . . what does sexual relations consist of?

More than just intercourse. . . but anything that arouses sexual excitement.

Elephant in the Room: What about kissing?

Some forms of kissing are non-sexual.

For example, the kiss I give to Graysen and Emersyn on the cheek or forehead. But clearly some forms of kissing are sexual and are only for my wife.

To help answer the question of “how far is too far”. . . if you don’t feel comfortable engaging in the particular action with your sibling because it would be sexually inappropriate, then that action should be reserved for the marriage relationship.

This would obviously include passionate kissing. This is not just “physical” but “sexual” action.

Don’t Eat the Cake example. . . IF I HAVE TIME

Lesser expressions of big sins are still sins.

Thus, may there not even be a hint of sexual immorality (Ephesians 5:3) among us as Christians so that we can portray the gospel rightly and honor the image of God we and our friend are made in.

Understand and remember the gospel is at stake.

The way you treat your neighbor is a demonstration of the gospel and if you are performing actions with them that are only reserved for the marriage relationship, you fail to portray the image of the exclusive devotion to and union of Christ and the church.

Six ways to pursue holy sexuality that honors God during your dating friendship

Get Accountability.

Find friends and/or adults who are not afraid to ask you the hard questions.

Avoid Alone Time

Never be alone in the same room.

Don’t spend alone time in the car.

Keep your relationship as public as possible.

Be Outward Facing.

Don’t just only spend time together.

Go on group dates.

Hang out with each other’s friends.

Be comfortable being in community.

Begin at the Right Time.

Only when you are in a position or soon to be in a position to get married.

Lets hypothetically say that you start a dating friendship your senior year of high school. After spending time getting to know one another over the next year, you both realize that you want to marry each other. This is great!

However, the bad news is, you both are fixing to start college and know that you cannot get married until you graduate.

This leaves you in a difficult spot. Now you must continue to maintain the neighbor relationship for four years, even though you both know you want to be married. . . or get married sooner when you are not ready.

This can easily open the door to sexual temptation and heartache.

Thus, it is wise to hold off on a dating relationship until you are in a position to get married.

Listen to Hiestand and Thomas:

“We can’t think of any good reason why the typical high school student would begin a dating friendship, let alone a dating relationship. Be friends. Hang out in groups. Have a great time! But trust God’s plan for relationships and wait until you are ready for marriage before you begin to look for a spouse.”

Keep it Short.

The dating process should be somewhere between 6-18 months. If you don’t know by then if the person is someone you want to marry. . . they probably are not.

Make a Beeline to the Altar.

Quick engagement (3-6 months). You should only need enough time to plan the wedding. Any more lingering can open the door to temptation, especially once you are engaged.

2. Clear Communication

Guys, it is your role to initiate the dating friendship and make your intentions clear.

This means defining the dating friendship and declaring your interest in the woman as a potential marriage partner.

Girls, if a guy approaches you about starting a dating friendship and you have no interest in it going beyond a neighbor relationship, don’t beat around the bush, but lovingly let him know.

What does this look like practically?

If you find someone who you are attracted to, who is pursuing Christ at the same pace you are, and you want to get to know them. The first place to start is to seek to be intentional to get to know them in group settings with other peers.

This will give you an opportunity to assess their character from a distance and still get to know them as well.

If you are still interested in getting to know them after observing and enjoying their company in a group setting, the next step is initiating with clarity.

Guys, you need to initiate…and women prefer men to ask them out IN PERSON-Man Up!

Be clear on what you are asking… “hang out” or “grab dinner” is too ambiguous…maybe saying, “would you like to go on a date with me.” is the best method as it makes clear to girl what it is and why you are asking her out for coffee/etc.

First date is free.

After the first date…you should know if you want to continue to get to know her and she has the characteristics you are looking for in a future spouse…therefore you need to leave her with something before dropping her off.

“I really enjoyed spending time with you tonight, I would love to continue to get to know you, can I call you again?”

This takes out the questioning and ambiguity on the part of the girl.

If you did not feel this way…provide clarity and tell her that you enjoyed hanging out but you don’t see this moving past a neighbor relationship.

And Girls, if the guy has taken you out on a date or more and has not made his intentions clear, you have every right to ask him what he is doing!

And if at any point in time during the dating friendship, either of you don’t want to go on dates anymore or hangout because you don’t see this dating friendship leading to marriage. . . don’t drag it on. . . but express in love that you don’t see your relationship going beyond the neighbor stage.

3. Dating as an Activity Rather Than a Category of Relationship.

Dating is something you do, not who you are.

It is a process to move through, not a status to dwell on.

Not using the terms “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” can help clear up confusion on creating another relationship category in b/w neighbor and marriage that the Bible doesn’t speak to.

4. Dating Friendships and Voluntary Exclusivity

Since there is no new category of relationship, exclusive dating should be voluntarily chosen, not expected or demanded.

As you get to know each other, naturally, you will both want to only spend time and energy getting to know one another exclusively.

Remember that there is no real promise of exclusivity apart from marriage or engagement. An understanding of being “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” that communicates commitment is an illusion.

One note here:

Guys, if commitment only comes when you get on a knee and can back up your words. . . even if you “feel” it. . . don’t tell her “i love you” until you can give her down payment with a wedding ring as a guarantee!

Advantages of Dating Friendships

Neighbor Relationship Preserved.

Free from Distractions

There is nothing a person can discover in a dating relationship or courtship that cannot equally be discovered through a dating friendship.

A friendship that is free from the distractions of a sexual romantic relationship has the opportunity to stand or fall on its own merit rather than being propped up by fickle passions and desires that change like the wind.

Free from Heartache

Though no relationship can be completely free from heartache, pursuing a dating friendship makes heartache less likely.

Consistent with Scripture

Since the Bible does not prescribe a middle stage between the neighbor relationship and the marriage relationship, we should be slow in doing so as well.

Protecting God’s Image

When we don’t create a new category of relationship the temptation to become romantically dependent and sexually involved is lessened.

“Christ waited faithfully for his bride, and thus we must wait for ours in a similar fashion. Christ fell in love once; we fall in love once.”

Objections to Dating Friendships

Too vulnerable because it lacks commitment.

Why give the person false security that does not exist?

The manmade titles of boyfriend and girlfriend in no way provide any real sense of security.

Just because you acknowledge you both like each other, doesn’t mean that attraction will be permanent.

Both a dating friendship and relationship provide no security. . . but the difference is, a dating friendship does not pretend to provide false security but a typical dating relationship does.

Unable to give enough Information regarding a future marriage.

How is establishing a false commitment and engaging in physical activity going to help you know if they will be a good husband or wife?

Expressing one’s romantic passion does not provide any useful information in determining the viability of a potential spouse. . . if anything, it will cloud ones judgement to think wisely about the issue.

It is not reasonable to think we can treat someone we are considering for marriage as “just a friend.”

This is partly true. . . two people in a dating friendship are not “just friends.”

However, this does not create another category of relationship b/w neighbor and marriage.

Many relationships in your life will have different agendas, purposes, and levels of emotional attachment.

the neighbor relationship does not insist that all relationships are the same, but only that the guidelines of romantic and sexual purity are the same for each relationship.

Not Practical.

Since when do we base truth on practicality???

Consider what Jesus said about divorce in his day. . . His disciples said. . . because these standards are too high. . . it would be better not to marry!

Some may not agree that the Bible teaches what I am suggesting. If you find yourself among them, then you have the freedom of conscience to follow a different path. . . however, if you choose a different path, you need to have biblical warrant for why you are choosing a different path.

We cannot simply set Scripture aside because it is not practical to live out in our culture today.

So when do I turn on the romance?? We will cover that next week with Engagement and Marriage! Stay tuned!