Engagement/Marriage

Introduction

Illustration of Rolls-Royce being made in Britain and being driven by British ambassadors in other countries to demonstrate Britain’s greatness.

“Most people in a foreign capital have never been to Britain, they said. But when they see this magnificent car gliding through their streets with the UK flag on the hood, they will say to themselves, “I have not been to Britain. I don’t know much about Britain. But if they make cars like that there then Britain must be a wonderful place.”

“In a similar way, I like to think that men and women may say to themselves as they watch a Christian marriage: ‘I have never seen God. Sometimes I wonder, when I look at the world, if God is good, or if there is a God. But if he can make a man and woman love one another like this; if he can make this husband show costly faithfulness through sickness as well as health; if he can give him resources to love when frankly there is nothing in it for him; well then he must be a good God. And if he can give this wife grace to submit so beautifully, with such an attractive gentle spirit under terrible trials, then again he must be a good God.’” -Christopher Ash

Recap from Last Week and Clarity

I know there was a little confusion concerning the statement I made that “there is no commitment in a dating friendship,” and maybe some of you have the perception that you can just date whoever you want all the way up until marriage.

That is not what I was trying to communicate, so I think these words from Jay Thomas will hopefully provide some clarity and give a good review for those who were not here last week. . .

Dating does not necessarily mean you will get married. It simply means that you will begin a special friendship with the possibility of marriage in view, and so in this purposeful friendship you are getting to know each other —your back-grounds, your families, your other friends, and most importantly your relationship with Jesus - in order eventually to discern if this is the person God has for you to marry. The answer might be no. If so, then it is probably time to stop this type of friendship and become simple friends.

This also implies that, if you have no desire to be married or do not feel ready for marriage, there is no reason to be in a dating friendship.

Dating should not be exclusive in a formal way, but it should embody loyalty based on a mature friendship commitment. In other words, the only way you get taken "off the market" is through marriage, not dating. But that does not mean you can mess around with someone else's emotions.

Date one person at a time as a good friend, not as a semimarriage covenant. This also means that ending a dating relationship, while not easy, will not have the pain and complexity that often comes when two people who were deeply committed to each other emotionally and physically break up. This type of breakup can almost feel like a divorce. The end of a dating friendship is still a bummer (bruised heart), but it is nothing close to the typical breakup (broken heart). My friend, when you join yourself to another person with deep emotions and intense physical expression, even if you do not have sex, your body and mind wed to that person in part. God has designed it to be so.

Where does that leave you, especially if you are in high school and nowhere near ready to think about marriage — not to mention the fact that your parents are also probably not ready to give you away in marriage?

To review, you are a sexual being, as God has designed you. You do not need to ignore that reality, but you must not be ruled by it. Our hyper sexualized age is bombarding you with narratives and sales pitches claiming that you cannot be fully human or fully yourself if you do not make your sexuality the most important part of who you are. That is a lie.

You are sexual, but you are also far more. You are made in the image of God, and you are ultimately designed to have a love relationship with Christ. That is fundamentally who you are; your relationship with Jesus is the most important facet of your identity.

If you find yourself attracted to someone of the opposite sex, you should be aware of it, but you do not necessarily need to do anything about it. Just be that person's friend. If you feel like you are becoming obsessed with him or her, pray and ask the Lord to calm your heart and maybe use your thoughts of the person to pray for him or her and to pray for his or her relationship with the Lord. Even if the feelings are mutual, serve the other person by guarding yourself and the other person from a relationship that will be out of context and out of God's design.

This view on dating does not make you a legalistic prude. It makes you wise by grace. Do not be embarrassed to live by this biblical vision. I would encourage you to talk with your parents about it, and If someone pursues you to date, talk with that person about your convictions as a Christian, calmly and respectfully. Neither of you should short-sell friendship or consider your relationship an either/or situation - dating or nothing. Let it be a fun Christ-centered friendship!

Also, this way of understanding dating is not the same as some unhealthy purity teachings that have been taught in recent decades. Some of those teachings are accurate, but others tend to be legalistic, even promising a certain type of marriage as a reward for purity. That is not what the Bible teaches. Our line of reasoning here has been what the Scripture teaches on human relationship categories and where dating falls within those. Then we sought wisdom on how to maintain a friendship as a courtship ritual. Grace is the basis of what we talked about, not legalism.

Finally, you may struggle with patience and contentment, hungering for the day when you are married. That is OK. There are many good things in your heart that lead to those desires. But you do need to trust God and his ways and timing. Ask him to grace you with patience and contentment, to make you a good friend to others, and to take your desires and use them to point yourself to Jesus. Remember, he is the ultimate end of marriage itself.

Jesus taught that there is no marriage in heaven (Luke 20:27-40). The age of resurrection will be the fulfillment of every appetite and desire we had in this age, including sexuality and marriage. Whatever the new creation will be like, you can be assured that you will know then in full that your faithfulness to live by God's Word now is not in vain - not even one bit. So let me encourage you to see, value, and use your sexuality in dating and marriage within the teachings of God's Word, knowing it is for your best, your community's best, and the glory of God as you use your sexuality to wonder at and wait upon him.

Engagement

The purpose of engagement is union. . . time to work on and plan your future married life together.

Three Ways To Know That They Are The One For You-See Sheet for Details

1. You Have A Growing Skill of Communication and Loyalty

2. You Have Survived a Moment of Confession

3. Support of Your Community

When to Turn On the Romance

Eventually, the dating friendship will do its job and you will know if this is the person you want to marry.

But remember, guys, it is irresponsible to try and win a girls heart before you know what you plan to do with it. . . similarly, girls, its irresponsible to pledge your heart to a man who has not pledged to keep it and provides a ring to back it up!

Like going to the car dealership as a 12 year old, wanting to buy a car.

Guys, once you decide this is the person who will be your wife, then seek to woo her and secure her affection.

Buy her flowers, tell her how pretty she looks, take her on a fancy dinner and most certainly pull out the ring.

The time to bring on the romance is when you are ready to bring on the ring.

“In a very real sense, Christ spared no expense in winning our affection. He laid it on the line. And he made it clear at the outset he wasn’t playing around.” -Hiestand and Thomas

First. . . You must let her know that you are playing for keeps and the only way you can do that is for you to propose. Once the marriage proposal has been offered, it is not irresponsible for you to attempt to woo her and for her to give her heart to you.

Second. . . But, guys, by wooing a woman’s heart, it still must be done in respect to the sexual purity guidelines of the neighbor relationship.

Just because you’ve proposed, does not mean you are married yet.

Lastly. . . give her time to make a good decision about the marriage proposal. If she is not sure when you ask, give her time, don’t demand an answer. . . and don’t pour on the romance too much that it clouds her judgment.

Guys, this makes you vulnerable, but that’s how it should be. You must be willing to take risks when it comes to a marriage proposal.

Don’t make her say yes before you ask.

“In keeping with the image of Christ’s pursuit of the church, the man must be willing to be the first to declare his affections, bearing the weight of vulnerability in the relationship.”

Fostering Union in Three Key Areas-See Sheet for Details.

Marriage

The purpose of marriage is to display the glory of God in the relationship between Christ and His church.

Essentially, person’s marriage should be a picture of the gospel.

Marriage should be lived in the joyful service of God as we join ourselves with another to serve God better than we could alone.

Don’t make marriage an idol:

We do not need to marry someone simply to meet our own needs, for if we do, our marriage will just be a good-looking mask for selfishness.

“If we pursue any goal except the honor of God, then we are worshipping an idol.” -Christopher Ash

Two things to know about marriage. . .

1. Marriage Was Designed By God

Genesis 2:18-25

God is the one who created marriage, therefore, He is the one who defines what marriage is and what marriage is not.

2. Marriage Displays God

In marriage, the husband is to represent Jesus in the way he loves his wife.

The wife is to represent the church in how she respects and submits to her husband.

Just as Jesus loved the church and gave himself up for her, the husband is to do the same with his wife.

Just as the church lovingly submits and respects Christ, the wife is to do the same with her husband.

God has given the husband and wife these specific roles so that marriage will be a beautiful display of God’s redemptive relationship with His people in Christ!

Now let’s look at the text that makes this clear: Ephesians 5:22-33.

Ephesians 5:22–33 ESV

22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. 25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. 31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. 33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

The Wive’s Role: Loving Submission and Respect

From Genesis 2 and Ephesians 5:22-24 we see that the role of a wife is to be her husband’s helpmate…to lovingly submit and respect his God-given authority to be the leader of the family and the home.

This means that the wives role is to help support the husband in various ways so that they can fulfill God’s mandate to rule and subdue the earth and to be fruitful and multiply.

Elephant in the room: What does it mean for the wife to submit?

It is a command from the Lord, meaning it is not optional.

But voluntary and not forced by the husband (submit is in the middle voice).

What it does not mean:

Subjugation: Forced submission

Servitude: Second-Class citizens only alive to serve the husband and do every request he asks.

Make sure to remember that both women and men are made in God’s image and equal in the sight of God.

Jesus fully submitted to the Father’s will, yet this did not remove his divinity, was was still equal with the Father being fully God.

“Exercising authority does not increase my status or value, any more than submitting to authority reduces my status or value.” -Christopher Ash

What it does mean:

Submission as recognition

You recognize the God given order in which God has established marriage and the family.

Notice in this section and the next two with parents and servants, the one under authority is addressed first (wives, children, servants), then the person in authority (husbands, parents, masters),

You recognize that God has placed the burden of responsibility on the husband to lead, guide, and care for his wife and family.

Submission as response

You have an inclination to receive and affirm your husband’s leadership.

This does not mean you can never initiate or disagree with things he says, but you have a posture that affirms and respects his leadership.

*notice vs 22 says, “own husbands” not every man…when you marry someone you are vowing to submit to him…so be careful who you marry.

Notice where the motivation to submit lies in verse 22… “submit to your own husbands...as to the Lord.”

Wives should submit to their husbands out of first submitting themselves to the Lord and for the purpose of loving and obeying the Lord.

Wives, you should not necessarily submit to your husbands because he is worthy of it, but because Christ, who is worthy of your submission, commands you to do so.

Also, Paul gives the reason for submission because the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church

The wife’s submission to her husband should reflect the Church’s submission to Christ.

Paul says in verse 24, “in the same way the church submits to Christ…wives submit to your husbands.”

This is a tall order…wives, you are commanded to submit to your husbands just as you submit to Christ.

Paul also says, “in everything.” Does that literally mean EVERYTHING??

It does not mean if your husband tells you to sin against God, you are obligated to do so.

But essentially, everything means everything. Just as the church submits their lives fully to Christ, wives are called to submit to their husbands in everything.

This essentially means that your husband has a voice into every area of your life.

Again, this is weighty command…so consider this as you look for a godly husband…is he the person that you would be willing to submit to in everything out of submission to Christ?

In Ephesians 5:33, God also calls wives to respect their husbands.

Respect goes along with submission, for one of the best ways you can respect your husband is through submitting and affirming his leadership.

Ultimately, ladies, know that if you lovingly submit and respect your husband and affirm his leadership, you will be a beautiful picture of the church’s love for Jesus and an example for others to follow in submitting and respecting Jesus.

The Husband’s Role: Sacrificial Love

Guys, if you think women have the tough role…just wait. Paul devotes three times more space to lay out the husband’s duty than the wives.

To summarize the husband’s role, Ben Stewart says, “A husband’s job is to initiate and sacrifice so that his wife might flourish under God.”

Verse 25 says the role of the husband is to love his wife JUST AS Christ loved the church…how did Christ love the church? He gave up His life for her.

This first command shows it is impossible for a husband to rule over his wife in a dictatorship if he is obeying God’s word.

Guys, you are not called to love your wife only when she is nice, respects you, submits to you, etc…Did Christ only love and give Himself for us when we loved him??

“At every stage of married life the husband should do a crucifixion audit on the way he is behaving. That is, he measures up the way he actually treats his wife against the way Christ treated the church when he went to the cross for her.” -Christopher Ash

Notice also that Jesus initiated his love for his church by coming and dying for them…he did not wait to let his people desire him…Jesus initiated…Therefore, if husbands are to love their wives in this same way…they should initiate.

Initiate in four ways:

Romance

Date your wife…the fire of love and romance go out because you have not been tending to it.

Communication

Don’t go to bed angry, pray together each night.

Spiritual leadership

Sacrifice

To help husbands know how to love their wives, Paul demonstrates what Christ does for his church in verses 26-27.

These verses are specifically speaking to the truth that Jesus laid down his life for the church in order to purify and sanctify her so that he would present her holy and blameless in the last day.

Jesus is the one who sanctifies his bride, not the husband, but the husband should promote their wives holiness by pointing them to Christ and leading his wife as they walk with Christ together.

Just as Christ protected his bride, he took her sin, he sought to do everything to make her holy and blameless, husbands should seek to protect their wives.

Verses 28-30 say that just as Christ loves the church and seeks to do all that he can to provide for her needs, husbands are called to provide all that their wives need and nourish and cherish them as they would their own flesh.

This means we need to be experts in knowing and understanding our wives to know how to serve them, because in serving them, we are serving ourselves.

Essentially, whatever you would want to do for yourself, do for your wife.

When you get married, there is nothing that is “yours” anymore…everything is now “ours.”

Verses 31-32 say that since as the church, we are members of Christ’s body, and a husband should love his wife as he loves himself, this proves the point that was made during the first marriage at the beginning of creation…in that when we get married, we become one flesh with our spouse.

Paul was blown away with how Jesus was the fulfillment of this first marriage in creation with his marriage to the church…and in part how a husband and wife can emulate these roles of the relationship between Christ and the church in marriage.

Fathom this…the institution of marriage, that was to be a picture of Christ redeeming his bride for a relationship with himself, was given in Genesis 2 before the fall of man and sin entering the world that occured in Genesis 3.

Jesus redeeming his bride was not plan B.

Ultimately, if you get married one day, your marriage should show people that God exists and what he has done in Christ to bring us into a relationship with him.

Our marriages should be the Rolls-Royce of God’s glory to be put on display for the world to see...

Response

Marriage is a picture of the gospel, it is a picture of God’s unconditional love for his people.

I know, besides the adults in the room, none of you are married yet, so how do you need to respond to God’s truth tonight?

There are two ways you need to respond that are quite simple to say but very hard to do. . .

First, you need to submit to Jesus as your King.

Second, you need to love others just as Jesus has loved you.

Both of these responses must be motivated by a deep love and affection for Jesus.

But now we face a dilemma, because we often fail to do both of these things because we lack love for Christ.

Our hearts are often hard, cold, and apathetic. We have become numb to the good news of the gospel and love of Christ.

Why? Because we reject Christ as our King in the moment of our sin and buy into the lies of the enemy.

Our sin and moral guilt prevent us from submitting to God in loving submission and loving others because we have gone after a counterfeit love.

Adam and Eve went after counterfeit love. . . But God was there the whole time “I am here!”

Israel went after counterfeit love. . . But God was there the whole time “I am here!”

They continued in their rebellion, so even though God was always there, he chose to fully make himself known and come to his people so they would see that he is all they’ve ever wanted and needed.

Yet, even still, after God has come to us through Christ. . . We have gone after counterfeit love. . . But God was there the whole time. . . “I am here”

Don’t go after the gods of counterfeit love, Jesus is here, and he is all you need.