Loving The Person By Confrontation
Biblical Peacemaking • Sermon • Submitted • Presented
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Handout
Three-Step Conflict Resolution Model:
Step #1 – Please God
Step #2 – Repent
Step #3 – Love
A. Attitudes of Grace
B. Forgive
C. Confront
D. Serve
Introduction
1) With a commitment to please the God who has saved us (step 1), having examined our sins, confessed to God and the other person our offenses (step 2), and forgiven the person attitudinally (step 3 previous), we must love the other person (step 3 continued) by confronting him about his offenses, as needed.
2) While words like “rebuke, reprove, confront, admonish,” etc. are unpopular in our society and (sadly) among most Christians, God commands us to minister to each other in these ways and God says these are reflections of true love for the person.
I. When to Overlook and When to Confront an Offender
I. When to Overlook and When to Confront an Offender
The dilemma:
Many texts call you to overlook or cover over someone’s sin:
12 Hatred stirs up strife,
but love covers all offenses.
16 The vexation of a fool is known at once,
but the prudent ignores an insult.
9 Whoever covers an offense seeks love,
but he who repeats a matter separates close friends.
14 The beginning of strife is like letting out water,
so quit before the quarrel breaks out.
11 Good sense makes one slow to anger,
and it is his glory to overlook an offense.
5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;
8 Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.
39 But I say to you, Do not resist the one who is evil. But if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also.
Many texts call you to confront or rebuke his sin:
17 “You shall not hate your brother in your heart, but you shall reason frankly with your neighbor, lest you incur sin because of him. 18 You shall not take vengeance or bear a grudge against the sons of your own people, but you shall love your neighbor as yourself: I am the Lord.
8 Do not reprove a scoffer, or he will hate you;
reprove a wise man, and he will love you.
25 Strike a scoffer, and the simple will learn prudence;
reprove a man of understanding, and he will gain knowledge.
5 Better is open rebuke
than hidden love.
6 Faithful are the wounds of a friend;
profuse are the kisses of an enemy.
23 Whoever rebukes a man will afterward find more favor
than he who flatters with his tongue.
5 You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.
15 “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.
3 Pay attention to yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him, 4 and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him.”
1 It is actually reported that there is sexual immorality among you, and of a kind that is not tolerated even among pagans, for a man has his father’s wife. 2 And you are arrogant! Ought you not rather to mourn? Let him who has done this be removed from among you.
3 For though absent in body, I am present in spirit; and as if present, I have already pronounced judgment on the one who did such a thing. 4 When you are assembled in the name of the Lord Jesus and my spirit is present, with the power of our Lord Jesus, 5 you are to deliver this man to Satan for the destruction of the flesh, so that his spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord.
11 But now I am writing to you not to associate with anyone who bears the name of brother if he is guilty of sexual immorality or greed, or is an idolater, reviler, drunkard, or swindler—not even to eat with such a one. 12 For what have I to do with judging outsiders? Is it not those inside the church whom you are to judge? 13 God judges those outside. “Purge the evil person from among you.”
1 Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. 2 Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.
20 As for those who persist in sin, rebuke them in the presence of all, so that the rest may stand in fear.
10 As for a person who stirs up division, after warning him once and then twice, have nothing more to do with him,
19 My brothers, if anyone among you wanders from the truth and someone brings him back, 20 let him know that whoever brings back a sinner from his wandering will save his soul from death and will cover a multitude of sins.
Which do we do when?
Wrong approaches:
Iron-clad rules, simplistic answers, and unbiblical extremes:
“Devotional theology” (Doing whatever you read in your Bible that morning and not taking a systematic approach to understanding what the whole Bible says)
Do neither: Neither confront nor cover, but cook it
Our rule of thumb as Christians is to overlook offenses.
But there are times when confronting is wise and loving:
1) When the person is “caught” (trapped) in a sin or a pattern of sin (Gal 6:1-2). Note: A related factor might be whether you believe he might welcome your help (Prov 23:9; 26:4-5; 27:5-6; Matt 7:6).
2) When the offense is serious (as suggested by sin lists like 1 Cor 5; 6; Gal 5; Rom 1; Rev 22)
3) When the person’s Christian testimony or ministry usefulness is jeopardized by his sin.
4) When your relationship with person is strained or undermined.
5) When the reputation of God, Christ, or his church is threatened or injured
6) When the unity of Christ’s church is disrupted
17 I appeal to you, brothers, to watch out for those who cause divisions and create obstacles contrary to the doctrine that you have been taught; avoid them. 18 For such persons do not serve our Lord Christ, but their own appetites, and by smooth talk and flattery they deceive the hearts of the naive.
7) When others are harmed by the person’s sin
11 Rescue those who are being taken away to death;
hold back those who are stumbling to the slaughter.
II. Essential Prerequisites for Wise, Loving Confrontation
II. Essential Prerequisites for Wise, Loving Confrontation
Examine yourself. It may be wise to invite a trusted mature Christian friend to help you assess your readiness.
1) Have you confessed your sins to God and the other person and received their respective forgiveness (Matt 7:1-5)?
2) Are you already forgiving him attitudinally, in your heart (Mark 11:25; Luke 23:34a)? You must start here.
3) Do you know your goal? To “show him his fault” to “win” the person (Matt 18:15), to “rebuke him” (Luke 17:3), and “restore him gently” (Gal 6:1).
4) Do you really believe – are you convinced – that this is the most loving action you can take (Gal 6:1-2; Lev 19:17-18; Prov 27:5-6; Jas 5:19-20)?
5) Do you have the proper Christlike attitudes(consider the “grace” qualities in passages like Gal 5:22-23; 6:1-2; Eph 4:1-3; Col 3:12-17; 1 Pet 3:8; 1 Cor 13:4-7; Matt 5:3-12; Jas 3:17-18)?
6) Are you willing to take any or all of the next step(s) in Matthew 18:15-17 (and other texts) that God might require?
7) Are you seeking to please and fear God more than people (Ps 56:3-4; Prov 29:25; John 12:42-43; Gal 2:11-13)?
8) Do you need any biblical counsel first about these matters?
III. Steps in Approaching and Confronting the Person
III. Steps in Approaching and Confronting the Person
1) Contact the person to express your desire to talk to him privately about something very important, either at that time of contact or at a scheduled time that is mutually convenient. Seek and secure his willingness to talk.
2) Talk with him privately, alone. (Only use postal mail, email, text, or telephone to set up a face-to-face meeting.) If he prefers someone else present, accommodate him within reason.
3) State your concern humbly, using “I” messages. “John, I’m concerned about something and it’s been on my mind….”
4) Ask about the apparent offense; don’t assume and don’t accuse. Even if you have evidence, start by asking so as to give him opportunity to voluntarily repent.
A question pricks the conscience. An accusation hardens the conscience.
5) Listen well, with Christlike compassion and wisdom.
6) If he repents, grant him Level 2 Transacted Forgiveness. Like God, you too decide, declare and promise to not raise the matter again…
To yourself (dwell, brood)
To others (gossip)
To the person (use against, raise later)
7) Encourage him to deal properly with this sin area with Jesus’ help, offer to help in appropriate ways, suggest helpful people and resources, “breathe grace”
8) Then seek to resolve any remaining issues between you and to restore the relationship to its proper level. Note: Beware of an “I forgive him, but I don’t want to have anything to do with him” attitude.
9) If he is unwilling to meet with you, or to repent, or if he needs more time, don’t despair. Rejoice, you have sought to please God and served as God’s instrument to restore the other person. Pray for him. Be patient.
10) Consider making second or third efforts to talk with him. Give God time to soften his heart. Pray.
11) If things still remain unresolved, ask or appeal to him about involving a third party (Matt 18:16).
Note: While his agreement to this is ideal, it is not required; you unilaterally can (and may need to) invite a third party.
Conclusion:
At every point, seek to please God in your actions, and seek to entrust the person to God his ultimate Savior and Judge.
Practical counsel: Think through three ways the other person may respond and how you will deal with it.
