Testimony

Early

I grew up in a non Christian home. I have two sisters one who is much older and one that is close in age to me. I had a pretty typical upbringing. I went to a catholic school, my family had some sort of religious influence and I dont remember a time where I didn’t believe that there was a God. However before I can to know him I didn’t think he wanted anything to do with me. this lead to me being pretty confused and even professing to be an atheist at times

Conversion

One day I was invited to a youth group. now I didn't think positively. I used to make fun of the idea of youth group I thought it was group of dorks and geeks who met in a community centre having orange soda boys on one side girls on the other.

I showed up, and to my surprise people were pretty normal

I told a youth leader who was there that I was an atheist and his only response was Im glad your here.

Some time along the line I started really enjoying going to youth group. I made it a priority in my life. I really loved going to the church.

High School

In high school I kept going to the church and got very close with my youth leaders, pastors and others the attended the church.

The school I went to didn't have christian clubs, this is the first time I actually ever heard about that was at a 604 chapel. in my School it was really my self, a guy named Jordan who went to cornerstone church and my good friend Rogan.

I kinda felt between two world through out high school. I felt like I didn’t belonged fully in the school as I didn't want to drink party and smoke, but I also didn’t feel like a I truly belonged at church at times as I was one of the few students who didn’t have a christian family. at school it got to the point where I was nicknamed Christian Bail

I found my self serving a lot at church and really feeling at home through high school

The relationships I formed showed me what Godly relationships, communion, and fellowship looked like. However, as I grew closer to others in this church context, I wasn’t aware that I was opening myself up to a whole world of vulnerability and pain.

Crisis

While I was in youth there was a change in the leadership structure and many of the leaders and pastor I was close with ended up leaving the church.

I felt pretty alone and isolated. The church moved someone to cover the leadership of youth. However this leader wasn’t the best man and ill save the details. this person hurt me deeply and as a result I left the church for a while

Return

I didn’t stay out of the church long, I returned and became connected again and participated

I met a man named Derek who was the youth pastor the time and he recruited me for leadership.

I told him I didn’t wanna do it but he brought up how it was wrong how what had happened to me and prayed with and for me that I may be healed

University

While I still served and attended church. when I was in university I didn't feel like i belonged with all my friends.

Everyone was partying, drinking, smoking, having sex, I wasn’t comfortable with this and I felt very much at odds with it. my friends would poke fun at me for leaving to go to church and other things like that

one thing i learned was its a lot easier to pull people down then it is to pull others up

at one point I had enough and decided i was tired of being different. and I ended up walking deeply in patterns of sinfulness. things I was appauled by and things I said I would never do.

I lived a double life. leading at youth the worship team and everything else. I was the model christian but behind the seen’s I was anything but.

This lead me into deep darkness and depression.

It is in this darkness where I actually got to experience who God was

Conclusion

in this time I realized My relationship with God was dependent on what I could do rather then who I was

I had focused a lot of my energy in to curating an identity based on what I could do for the church. All of things I could do well all of the ways I would be good enough for God.

I focused so much on my works that I forgot about the grace of God and repentance

Reckless story

Luke 15:1–7 ESV

1 Now the tax collectors and sinners were all drawing near to hear him. 2 And the Pharisees and the scribes grumbled, saying, “This man receives sinners and eats with them.” 3 So he told them this parable: 4 “What man of you, having a hundred sheep, if he has lost one of them, does not leave the ninety-nine in the open country, and go after the one that is lost, until he finds it? 5 And when he has found it, he lays it on his shoulders, rejoicing. 6 And when he comes home, he calls together his friends and his neighbours, saying to them, ‘Rejoice with me, for I have found my sheep that was lost.’ 7 Just so, I tell you, there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who need no repentance.

I was a sinner lost on the road to hell, I was so caught up in pretending to be perfect that I lost my way, I lost hold on who Jesus was. The one who saved me from my sin and self. In my own way i replaced Jesus.

I was scared to come back to God I know I needed to

I can tell you i dont know when or how but in the darkness I cried out to god and surrendered to his ways over my own. I knew I needed him. I knew I couldn't do it on my own anymore. My problem was that I was lord of my own life. I followed my own ways and didn’t trust the goodness of God for my life. However I learned what repentance meant. I also learned that God was there even despite my rebelion I experience his love and grace like never before. I felt his presence and his warm embrace like a sheep held over the shepherds shoulders.

Now the story doesn't stop there. I was always easy and still isn't easy to walk to life that Christ calls us to

“When Christ calls a man, he bids him come and die.”

― Deitrich Bonhoeffer, The Cost of Discipleship

however what made following the christ easier was realizing It wasn’t based on how perfect I was

Titus 3:5 ESV

5 he saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit,

It is truly by the power of the spirit that we are saved and called Jesus own people

not on our good works

for to long I though Jesus would want me more if i did more for him, ill remind all of you what my pastor reminded me theres you can do to make Jesus love you anymore or any less then he already does.

your values is in Jesus. nothing you can do but who you are.

the fact that you are hear proves that you beautifully and wonderfully made and that there is a perfect God willing die for our imperfection.

Our value as people does not come from what we do rather it comes who you are. and friends you are Gods children who he loves and sent his son to ransom redeem and save.