The Power of Mutual Submission

Bible Passage: Ephesians 5:21–33, Colossians 3:18–19

Submission is a fun word isn’t it? I mean, who doesn’t love hearing that they need to submit to authority.

A lot of this feeling comes from the fact we don’t have a good understanding of the word. It has been abused, used to manipulate others, and to keep people in line. It’s been used to silence those who would question the status quo and push back against tyranny.

For many years I had this view of submission. I had been at the wrong end of leaders and authority figures that kept me in check by insisting that I not ask questions and fall in line. Then I met a man of God that challenged me on that.

For years I served in ministry with this man. Always receiving my questions with humility and grace, but no weakness.

About 8 years ago this was put to the test. I was leading a youth group trip to 6 Flags in California. A couple of the students, including our pastor’s son, had a baseball tournament so they would be meeting us the day after we got there. Pastor Jeremy would be hanging with us and then taking a couple students back with him when we left.

At this point Pastor Jeremy is technically my boss. He is the lead pastor and I am the youth pastor. I should always be submitted to him. But this was a youth trip, which makes the youth pastor the main leader. How is this going to work?

My pastor checked in with me, just like the rest of the leaders on the trip. When he had an idea, he brought it to me privately and asked if it was ok before bringing it up with my other leaders around. He not only honored me by his actions, he submitted to me on that trip. Specifically in front of the other youth leaders on the trip.

What does this have to do with mutual submission?

Pastor Jeremy could pull rank whenever he wanted, but he didn’t. I could have coward and completely gave him all authority. By him allowing me to still lead, he elevated me in the eyes of the youth leaders there. He submitted to me in my area, which made it all the easier to submit to him in other areas.

There is a very telling story in the Gospel concerning Jesus and a Roman general.

Matthew 8:5–13 NLT

When Jesus returned to Capernaum, a Roman officer came and pleaded with him, “Lord, my young servant lies in bed, paralyzed and in terrible pain.” Jesus said, “I will come and heal him.” But the officer said, “Lord, I am not worthy to have you come into my home. Just say the word from where you are, and my servant will be healed. I know this because I am under the authority of my superior officers, and I have authority over my soldiers. I only need to say, ‘Go,’ and they go, or ‘Come,’ and they come. And if I say to my slaves, ‘Do this,’ they do it.” When Jesus heard this, he was amazed. Turning to those who were following him, he said, “I tell you the truth, I haven’t seen faith like this in all Israel! And I tell you this, that many Gentiles will come from all over the world—from east and west—and sit down with Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob at the feast in the Kingdom of Heaven. But many Israelites—those for whom the Kingdom was prepared—will be thrown into outer darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.” Then Jesus said to the Roman officer, “Go back home. Because you believed, it has happened.” And the young servant was healed that same hour.

I have a theory. I think Paul was reflecting on this story while writing about submission within the family of God in Ephesians. I really think it was in the back of his mind as he wrote the section we are looking at today.

1. Submit: Reverence in Action

Ephesians 5:21–24 NLT

And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything.

This is an area where the Bible being broken into chapter and verse, I believe, does us a disservice. Often vs 21 and 22 are treated almost as one sentence. Vs 21 is speaking of mutual submission of Christ followers to each other. Though there are different levels of authority and responsibility, that does not equate inferiority. You see vs 21 is setting up the portion of scripture discussing the order of the household. This means everything following is based on the assumption that all are submitting to each other. Paul then goes on to explain what that will look like for each member of the household.

Our culture has really messed up what submission is supposed to look like. Submission is not about one person being inferior or less than another. That’s not what it means at all. There is great power in submission. Let’s look back at the first wife and see what God said about her.

Genesis 2:18 NLT

Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.”

Genesis 2:21–23 NLT

So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep. While the man slept, the Lord God took out one of the man’s ribs and closed up the opening. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib, and he brought her to the man. “At last!” the man exclaimed. “This one is bone from my bone, and flesh from my flesh! She will be called ‘woman,’ because she was taken from ‘man.’ ”

So God created Eve to be a helper, right? So she must somehow be less than Adam, right? THat’s why a wife submits to her husband. Then explain this..

Psalm 115:9 NLT

O Israel, trust the Lord! He is your helper and your shield.

Same word is used here to describe God Almighty. You see, we each display a characteristic of God to the world.

Destiny is in no way less than me, but she will probably never preach a message. Not because she can’t or I won’t let her. Her gifts are different than mine. She helps me prepare. She helps me stay on track. She is invaluable to me as a help, because no one knows me like she does. She helps me.

I have met very few wives who struggle with this when their husband is submitted to God completely. There is safety and protection.

But when the husband is not submitted to God, that is a different story. Why?

2. Sacrifice: Love Like Christ

Ephesians 5:25–30 NLT

For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. And we are members of his body.

Men, we must love our wives as Jesus loves the church.

John 15:13 NLT

There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.

Men, husbands, our job is to lay down our lives for our wife. This means our preferences, hobbies, comfort. We are to die for our wife just as Jesus died for the church. Think about the garden before Jesus was arrested.

Luke 22:42–44 NLT

“Father, if you are willing, please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine.” Then an angel from heaven appeared and strengthened him. He prayed more fervently, and he was in such agony of spirit that his sweat fell to the ground like great drops of blood.

Jesus did not want to go to the cross, but He knew He had to in order to accomplish something greater. We must be willing to do hard things for our wife. Yes, we can work hard, make money, and make her DIY dreams come true. But can we watch the kids so she has a night out? Can we listen to her feelings without being overwhelmed or logical? Can we do the hard things for her that we don’t want to do?

Let’s look again at the first husband.

Genesis 2:15–18 NLT

The Lord God placed the man in the Garden of Eden to tend and watch over it. But the Lord God warned him, “You may freely eat the fruit of every tree in the garden—except the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. If you eat its fruit, you are sure to die.” Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.”

Dest and I work together. I don’t make big decisions without her input and guidance. Why? Because I was never meant to do this alone. She also knows that I am submitted to Jesus, so she isn’t fearful of me making a call if one needs to be made.

Men, if you don’t feel respected by your wife maybe you should learn to love her better.

3. Symbol: Marriage Mysteries

Ephesians 5:31–33 NLT

As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

The Bible rarely tells us to do something that comes easy or natural. My wife loves me naturally, but respecting me can be a struggle. I respect my wife with every fiber of my being, but sometimes treating her lovingly is hard. So God, in His goodness, reminds both of us what the other needs. Destiny doesn’t need to hear that I love her. She needs to see it and feel it. I don’t always need to hear Dest loves me, but I do need to see and feel respected. Why? Because the person you are married to knows you inside and out. Every flaw and imperfection. If you aren’t having these needs met by them, life gets really hard.

A man leaves his father and mother. That means you cover and protect your wife. That means that this new family you are creating is your priority, not you family of origin. Does that mean you ignore or neglect your parents and siblings? No. It does mean that when push comes to shove, your wife wins. She gets the best of you, not the leftovers. This is coming from a mama’s boy btw……

Let me tell you something. When you prioritize your wife over everything else, you will have her respect.

Now, just to make sure I am offending everyone, this also means the wife makes this new family her priority. Again, this doesn’t mean you neglect or ignore you family of origin. What it does mean is that your husband is now your main focus, not them.

For both, it means not running to your family with problems in the marriage. This is huge. Do not go to your family with issues you have with your spouse just because you know they will side with you. One of the quickest ways to destroy trust and make holidays awkward is to involve your family in things between you and your spouse.

Something Destiny and I learned a long time ago. We have specific couples in our life that we have agreed we can go to about anything. Sometimes you need an outside perspective. By agreeing on the couples before you get in a fight, you can be sure that your spouse will receive Godly counsel. Why? You have chosen people that will fight for your marriage, not just you. This is so important. Dest and I both know that if we go to these people we have agreed upon, they will not pick sides. They will tell us honestly and the other can trust what is said.

This also goes beyond marriage. Like the story I shared at the beginning, mutual submission is a key difference of the church from the world. We mutually submit. That makes us all better.

Love and respect which is an illustration of Christ and the Church.