Ordering the Family - Ephesians 5:15-6:4

Introduction

I am not preaching this sermon as a guru or as a perfect example. Nothing that I say today should be received as though I have all this nailed down in practice. I do not. I am striving, but I am still sinful, and I have all sorts of blind spots to expose and dangers to avoid.

And yet, I want to be quick to say that I am indeed striving toward the ideal of what I believe Scripture teaches – the design which God has intended. I truly believe that God has designed the family to function well within a certain order of authority, so that the whole family will flourish. And I believe that God’s design is good – and that any deviation from God’s design will be bad (in big ways and small ones).

Cassie and I both want to honor Christ with our marriage and our family, and we both believe that living in light of God’s instructions – His teaching for husbands, for wives, for parenting, and for children – we believe that embracing God’s instructions is our best opportunity to experience harmony and joy in our family.

Some of you will remember that I have argued (in my last sermon in this topical series) that marriage is God’s designed institution which is meant to forge boys into men and girls into women. But this forging process is overturned (or at least hindered) when God’s designed order for the family is neglected or outright jettisoned. On the other hand, if we will consider God’s design, and if we will aim to live in keeping with it, then we will see godly manhood and womanhood flourish, and we will experience benefits all around.

Friends, in this monthly topical series (on The Well-Ordered Life), I’ve been attempting to lay out a life of wisdom and stability from the Christian (or biblical) perspective. I’ve argued (1) that God intends for us to walk the path of wisdom, (2) that this path begins with fearing and trusting God, and (3) that we must personally discipline ourselves (on a daily basis) to conform to God’s instructions and design.

Today, we are focusing on the order of the family, (1) because the family is the most basic institution of society, (2) because the family is the first place we are to learn and grow as godly men and women, and (3) because ordered families are an unmeasurable benefit to themselves and to the whole of society.

May God help us to grow in our understanding today, and may He help us to embody the sort of order He’s prescribed for our families… for our good, for the good of those around us, and for God’s glory.

Please stand with me as I read our main passage – Ephesians 5:15-6:4.

Scripture Reading

Ephesians 5:15–6:4 (ESV)

5:15 Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, 16 making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. 17 Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is.

18 And do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit, 19 addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with your heart, 20 giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, 21 submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.

22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.

28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. 31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”

32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. 33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

6:1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), 3 “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.”

4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Main Idea:

It is the Lord’s will that husbands love and lead their family, that wives submit to and respect their husband, and that children obey and honor their parents.

Sermon

1. Walk in Wisdom

It is Christ’s will or intent or command that those who love and trust Him should walk in wisdom (i.e., according to His instructions and directions).

As some of you might know, this whole letter from the Apostle Paul to the church in Ephesus has two larger sections.

Part one is an explanation of God’s gracious salvation, which was “predestined” by the Father (Eph. 1:3-6), “obtained” through or in Christ the Son (Eph. 1:7-11), and “sealed” or applied by God’s Spirit (Eph. 1:13-14).

And part two is a bunch of pastoral applications for Christian living in light of God’s gracious salvation.

Friends, it is imperative that we understand part one before we try to work our way through all the implications and applications in part two. We must understand that God has lavished the riches of His grace upon guilty sinners by sending Jesus to redeem all who repent and believe. We must come to grips with our own sin and guilt, we must look to Christ (who is the only sacrifice for sinners), and we must have the eyes of our hearts enlightened to see the immeasurable greatness of God’s power toward those who believe.

And you can read all about this stuff in the first 3 chapters of Ephesians.

Apart from Christ, we are dead in our sins. And God is the one who has initiated this great salvation, which He has brought to everyone who trusts or believes or has faith in Christ. We come into this world separated and alienated from God and His blessings, but in or through Christ (especially trusting in His death upon the cross for us), we can be brought near to God, we can be reconciled with Him, and we can enter into God’s own household as adopted children.

Once His enemies, we can now be seated at His family table, not because of any good in us, but on the basis of what God has done in Christ to make us His own.

Friends, let’s make it our aim to understand this gospel better and better. And if you don’t understand it, or if you’d like to discuss how you can receive forgiveness and reconciliation and adoption into God’s family today, then let’s talk about it after the service dismisses.

For those of us who are turning from our sin and who are believing or faithing in Christ, we want to hear the instructions in our passage today about how to now live in light of that salvation we have received. We are now to “walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God” (Eph. 5:2). We are now to “be imitators of God, as [His] beloved children” (Eph. 5:1). We are to (as our passage says it in v15) “look carefully… how you walk, not as unwise but as wise” (Eph. 5:15). And v17, we are not to be “foolish, but [instead to wisely] understand what the will of the Lord is” (Eph. 5:17).

Once again, we see the biblical call for those who believe or trust in Christ is to walk in the way of wisdom. And once again, we see that wisdom begins with a reverence or fear or dependence on God, having knowledge or understanding of what God has commanded. We are to know what the Lord’s will is, and we are to do it.

2. Husbands Love and Lead

It is the Lord’s will that husbands love and lead their family.

As I’ve argued many times now (especially over the last couple of years), God has designed all human relationships to be organized or ordered by a hierarchy. A hierarchy is the ordering of a group according to relative responsibility and authority. This word has fallen on hard times in our culture because it is easy to see where those with authority and power have taken advantage of their position.

We hear stories of parents who have neglected or abused their children. We know of pastors who have used their authority to exploit those under their shepherding care. And many of us have personal experience with husbands and fathers who have treated their wives and/or children with less than genuine love.

Friends, it may seem like the best solution for the problem of bad authority is the eradication of authority – “Since authority can be abused, then no one should have it!” But that’s no solution at all. Someone is always going to have authority. It is inevitable. The solution to bad authority is not no authority, but good authority.

We naturally know this, and we even assume it regularly. When children think they have been wronged, where do they run for defense and restitution? To their mom or dad, of course! When a bad guy is breaking the law, what do we expect? Don’t we expect the police to restrain him? When judges are punishing good people or failing to punish criminals, do we call for the abolition of courts and judges? No, we call for those bad judges to be prosecuted by good judges who will actually deliver justice.

The short of it is… we want… we need… we must have… good authority. And the Bible teaches us that husbands and fathers have a God-ordained authority in the home – they are to love and lead their families with a unique kind of authority and responsibility. Men are always going to fail to do this perfectly, but the response to their failures is that they would strive to improve (not that they would be discharged from their duty… at least not typically).

Let’s consider three ways that God commands husbands and fathers to love and lead their families from this passage this morning.

First, husbands are to love their wives sacrificially. We see it there in v25, “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Eph. 5:25).

What an example Christ has already given us! And what a high calling and command this is! Christ gave Himself to the task of loving His people (i.e., “the church”) by humbly enduring all manner of hardship and pain for their benefit. Christ did not live His earthly life for Himself, but He gave every effort to meet His people where they are, to forgive and wash them of their shame, and to beautify them with an honor that they did not earn or deserve.

Brothers, if we are going to fulfill our responsibility (to the Lord and to our wives), then we must love her sacrificially. We must give ourselves to the task of enduring hardship and responsibility on her behalf, we must treat her with understanding and patience, we must forgive her when she sins against us, we must hide her shame, and we must honor her more than she deserves.

Second, husbands are to lead their wives toward trust in Christ and growth in holiness. We see this in v26-27. The Apostle Paul pointed to Christ’s example of “washing” His people “with the word” (i.e., God’s word), and working to “present” His people “without spot or wrinkle” (Eph. 5:26-27).

Brothers, it is our duty (to Christ and to our wives) to lovingly lead her toward knowing and believing and obeying God’s word. This means that we should regularly point our wives to Scripture – we should read the Bible with her, we should urge and persuade her to believe the Bible, and we must (as much as we are able) demonstrate what it looks like to believe and obey the Bible in our own lives.

So too, we ought to make it our goal to lead our wives toward growth in holiness. We should encourage her to trust God’s promises and to obey God’s commands. We should praise her when she progresses in godliness. And we should call her to repentance when she sins.

Third, husbands and fathers are to discipline and instruct their children toward knowing and obeying Christ. We see this on display in chapter 6, verses 1-4. The Apostle Paul alluded to the Proverbs (especially Prov. 1:8, 6:20, and 23:22), and he cited the fifth commandment – “Children, obey your parents in the Lord… [and] ‘Honor your father and mother’” (Eph. 6:1-2; cf. Ex. 20:12). And then he commanded fathers (specifically), “do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Eph. 6:4).

Now, this is a command to children, but let’s notice that fathers are the ones primarily responsible for “disciplining” and “instructing” their children. And fathers are to do this so that their children might know and obey Christ. This does not mean that mothers bear none of this responsibility (the Bible clearly teaches mothers to do it too), but fathers ought to lead in this effort.

It’s also important to note here that no father can coerce or force his children to believe in Christ. Belief in the gospel (or trusting in Jesus) is something that we all must do for ourselves, and no amount of training or discipline is guaranteed to make it happen. But fathers must make a great effort to teach, to correct, to exemplify, and to call their children to know who Christ is and to follow Him as Lord and Savior.

Brothers, any potent man can be a dad, but it takes commitment and intentional effort to be a father. We must discipline our children, demanding that they conform themselves to a biblical ethic in their behavior. We must teach our children what to believe, how to believe, and why they should believe. We must give them a good and consistent example of godly Christian living, so that they will not only have a head knowledge, but also a practical model to follow.

Friends, this passage and many others make it clear, the leadership role in marriage and family is God-given to the husband and father. This is a weighty and glorious responsibility. I thank God most nights (in prayer with my youngest son) for the privilege of fatherhood, and specifically for the privilege of being father to my two sons. And I also pray regularly that God will help me be a better dad and husband, so that my family will benefit. May God help all of us men in this way.

3. Wives Submit and Respect

It is the Lord’s will that wives submit to and respect their husband.

I’ve laid a heavy responsibility on men so far, and now we turn our attention toward women. As I’ve already said, the potential for abuse, neglect, and bad authority is ever-present, and this makes it all the more difficult for women to resist their natural tendency toward rebelling or usurping the authority of their husbands.

Since the first sin in the garden, men have been inclined to avoid or abuse their God-given role, and women have been inclined to resist theirs too. The feminine temptation is different than the masculine one – women tend to want some check on their husband’s authority or to claim it for themselves.

But God has not designed marriage or the family with “equal branches of power,” and He has not given women any approval to avoid their obligations or position just because their husbands are not the sort of loving leader Christ has exemplified. Just as God commands husbands to loving lead their sinful wives, so too, God commands wives to submit to and respect their sinful husbands.

Of course, there are limitations to this submission, and we will get to the exceptions in a bit, but let’s consider together three ways that God commands wives to embrace their role as the feminine partner in marriage.

First, God commands wives to submit to their own husbands. We see it there in v22 – “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord” (Eph. 5:22).

This is not a blanket submission of all women to all men, but a specific submission of a wife to her own husband. Women are not inferior to men, nor are they to obey or give deference to all men everywhere.

However, wives are commanded and obligated to submit to the husband they have. This is a clear demarcation of responsibility and authority. The husband is to lead, and the wife is to follow. The husband is to decide, and the wife is to support his decision. The husband is to set priorities and goals and strategies, and the wife is to give herself to helping him align their marriage and their family accordingly.

Sisters, if you are to fulfill your responsibility (to the Lord and to your husband), then you must submit to his leadership. You must resist the temptation to expect him to justify his every decision and action in order to satisfy you. You must reject the worldly notion that vulnerability and risk are your enemy, and you must embrace the benefits of not having to bear the greater responsibility to lead your marriage and your home. That is your husband’s job. It is for you not only to let him bear that responsibility but to joyfully follow his lead.

Second, God commands wives to relate to their husbands as a body does a head. We see this in v23, as the Apostle Paul returns to his analogy of Christ and the church – “For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church” (Eph. 5:23).

The head considers, the head intends, and the head directs and acts; whereas the body obeys – it receives direction, it executes the action, and it experiences (with the head) all the joys and pains. The head and the body are united as one, and neither can operate by itself. But each must play its part, and the two are not interchangeable.

Sisters, if you want to experience the benefits of better leadership, then you are going to have to let your husband learn, you must follow him in the direction he leads, and you must be patient with him as he grows in wisdom. There is no scenario where you get to avoid an imperfect husband. He came into marriage knowing almost nothing about what it really feels like to lead a wife or a family, and he will always fall short of the man he wants to be. But you can rejoice to see your own husband grow and develop… as you encourage his headship, as you follow his lead, and as you make it your aim to treat him as your head.

See the summary of v22-32 there in v33 – “let each one of you [husbands] love his wife and himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband” (Eph. 5:33). This is a call for wives to give their husbands respect or fear or reverence as the head. It is a grave or serious responsibility that God has placed upon your husband, and he will need all the respect and admiration you can give him in his effort to live up to it (in so far as he is able). Your disrespect undermines any hope you have to see him lead better, but your persistent respect will almost miraculously stimulate in him an unrelenting desire to be the man you are depending on him to be.

Third, God commands wives to submit in everything. This is the comprehensive command we read in v24 – “as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands” (Eph. 5:24).

I said a moment ago that submission has its limitations, but before we get to those, let’s notice here the expansive nature of this command for wives to submit. The Greek word translated “everything” means “everything” (v24). Again, God gives wives no allowance or approval to avoid their obligations or position.

Sisters, you may not understand why your husband is leading the way he is, you may not agree with the direction he’s taking you and your family, and you may have all sorts of ideas about how you would lead differently. But there is no part of your marriage or family that you are to lead apart from or in opposition to your husband. Good and wise husbands will not micromanage every detail of their families, but so too, good and godly wives will not try to parse out those areas or circumstances where they are willing to submit and others where they are not.

Now, the limitation on this submission is much the same as what we talked about last week, when we were considering a passage on the honor and obedience due to civil magistrates. If your husband commands you to sin or forbids you to obey God’s command, then you must fear and obey God (not your husband). And there are also serious ways that a husband might sin against his wife – some of them requiring radical actions. But in general, wives are to make it their goal to support, to encourage, to submit, and to respect their husbands.

Friends, this passage and others like it clearly teach that the role and responsibility of wives to their husbands is submission and respect. Neither the wife nor the husband has any easy position. Both of these require vulnerability, forgiveness, patience, and trust. I pray that the Lord will help the wives in our church to be exemplary in their patient submission and their gracious respect toward their husbands. And I pray that the Lord will grant all of you wives the joy of seeing the men among us (especially your own man) grow and flourish in their godly leadership.

4. Complementarity is Necessary and Good

I don’t know of any teaching that might be more radioactive in our culture than what I am preaching on today. But I also cannot think of any wisdom that might be more fundamental to our harmony in marriage, in family, and in our society.

From the very beginning of Christianity, in God’s revelation to OT Israel, and in the natural revelation that most every culture in human history has known and practiced, it has been understood that men and women are not the same… and that men and women have distinct roles in marriage and family. It’s only the rampant confusion of our liberal and egalitarian society (especially over the last 50-100 years) that has led us to a cultural moment where even Christians are second-guessing and sometimes arguing against the obviously biblical teaching on this subject.

It seems that western societies are bent on destroying the institutions of family and the church in an effort to eradicate the possibility that anyone anywhere would be required to bear the responsibility of true leadership or to feel the vulnerability of submitting to an earthly authority.

Women want to be free from the tyranny of men, not realizing that good male leadership is the only way that they will be able to experience stability, protection, and provision. Men want to be free from the risks and failures and constraints that inevitably accompany leadership, not realizing that avoiding such things is tantamount to giving up their manhood.

Friends, God did not design women to bear the responsibility of being men, and God did not design men to abdicate their responsibilities to women. In fact, this is the very opposite of what God has intended and commanded. When women aim to be men, and when men fail to reach manhood, we invite every kind of dysfunction and disharmony – in marriage, in our families, and in our society – and we can see it on display all around us.

Many in our culture refuse to say what a woman is, and they put all women in danger from this confusion. Many in our culture describe any exercise of genuine masculinity as “toxic” and “chauvinistic.” Young men are often depressed and unambitious. Young women are often anxious and empty. And we are reaping the whirlwind of our own negligence to speak and to act in keeping with God’s design.

If we want to see a recovery of some sort of stability and harmony in our society, in our churches, and in our own homes, then the only way to do it is to stop apologizing and making excuses for the counter-cultural way that God has intended His people to live – especially with regard to this most fundamental reality, marriage and the family, manhood and womanhood.

Brothers and sisters, most of us probably do not realize just how tainted we’ve become by the water we’re swimming in. Some of what I’ve said today might even be offensive to some of us because our perspective of manhood and womanhood has been so shaped by something other than Scripture and historic Christian behavior.

I’m presenting a biblical model for Christian marriage and family today, and I’m doing it without supplying any caveats for those who might have experienced heartache or abuse. Yes, there are dangers and risks to living the way I am calling us to live – men are going to be hurt by wives who take advantage of their willingness to bear responsibility, women are going to be hurt by husbands who take advantage of their willingness to submit, and children are going to be hurt by all sorts of dysfunctions that come along with sinful men and sinful women acting out of selfishness, pride, fear, lust, or greed.

But the solution to chaos is order. The solution to dysfunction is proper function. The solution to our disharmony, as we compete to see who can gain the upper hand, is harmony. And this will only come through our commitment to embrace femininity for what it is and masculinity for what it is.

What we need to recover is complementarity – where men and women understand themselves to be the same in dignity and value, but distinct in their God-designed and God-given characteristics and responsibilities.

Complementarity is necessary – it is the way God has created us as men and women. God has made us different on purpose, so that we might fit and work together.

And complementarity is good – it is God’s design for our flourishing and benefit. In every way, we will not lose by embracing complementarity, but we will gain.

It is the Lord’s will that husbands love and lead their family and that wives submit to and respect their husband.

And, finally, it is the Lord’s will that children obey and honor their parents.

5. Children Obey and Honor

I’ve spent nearly all my time this morning on husbands and wives, and it would be easy to think that this last point is merely tacked on or a throwaway. However, the reason I’ve laid it out this way is because children in the home are the least responsible for the structure and order of it. It is husbands and wives who must first get themselves in order before we can ever really talk about how orderly their children are.

But once dad is taking responsibility to lovingly lead, and mom is embracing her role as respectful supporter of her husband, then that father and mother can more consistently demand from their children obedience and honor.

We see the commands there in ch. 6, v1-2 – “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right… [and] ‘Honor your father and mother’” (Eph. 6:1-2).

Now, boys and girls, you should know that God Himself commands you to do this. God says that you should obey your parents – you should do what they say. In the Minter house, we say you should do it the first time, fully, and without fussing.

Children should obey the first time they are told.

Children should obey the full command, not just part of it.

And children should obey without fussing or grumbling about it.

This is the ideal, of course, and life is not ideal. But, mom and dad, this is what we ought to teach, and this is what we ought to discipline toward.

So too, boys and girls, God commands you to honor or respect your parents.

You should speak to them with respect.

You should listen to their instruction.

And you should assume that they know more than you do about life.

Once again, mom and dad, this is the ideal, and our children are not going to live this way unless we teach them to do it. And even when we patiently and consistently train them toward obedience and respect, they are responsible for the ways they respond to our efforts. We do our part, and they must do theirs.

Conclusion

Friends, I’ve explained and argued today that it is the Lord’s will that husbands love and lead their family, that wives submit to and respect their husband, and that children obey and honor their parents.

I believe we would all do well to first understand the grace of God in Christ – Jesus died for our sin, including our sins in the area of husbanding, wifing, fathering, and mothering. If we will confess our sins and turn away from them, trusting in God’s grace and striving for improvement, then we can rest assured that God has brought us into a new life in His kindness and blessings.

We don’t have to pretend that we’re perfect, and we don’t have to wallow in our failures. We can be honest about ourselves, and we can get on with hope that the Lord is at work even through out failures.

And once we do that, I believe we would all do well to understand what the will of the Lord is… and to do it – husbands lovingly leading their wives, wives joyfully submitting to and respecting their husbands, and children honoring and obeying their parents.

May God help us to trust Him, may God help us to obey Him, and may God grant us much good fruit from our efforts.