Handling Conflict Biblically

As we continue our "Practical Christian Living" series, we now focus on one of the most personal and challenging aspects of life in the church: conflict. Jesus gives us a clear, step-by-step process for handling disagreements among believers, emphasizing reconciliation over retribution. This passage is not merely procedural—it's profoundly theological, rooted in God's character and the redemptive work of Christ.

Historical Context

In first-century Jewish culture, conflict resolution was often handled within the community through structured, communal processes. The idea of bringing one or two witnesses comes from Deuteronomy 19:15, reflecting established legal practices among Jews for confirming truth and promoting justice. Jesus adopts and transforms this framework for the community of His followers—not to punish but to restore.

The early church, as seen in Acts and the Epistles, took these instructions seriously. Paul frequently addressed conflicts in his letters, urging believers to pursue unity (Philippians 2:1-4) and reconciliation (2 Corinthians 5:18-20). The church was meant to be a counter-cultural community where conflicts were handled differently than in the surrounding Roman and Greek societies, which often emphasized honor, shame, and retribution.

Let's explore the three progressive stages Jesus lays out:

Reclaiming, Not Rebuking

Matthew 18:15 NKJV

15 “Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother.

Cultural Insight

In Jewish tradition, private rebuke was already valued. Leviticus 19:17 says, "You shall surely rebuke your neighbor, and not bear sin because of him." Jesus affirms this, but makes it about winning the relationship, not winning the argument. The rabbis taught that public embarrassment was a serious offense—equivalent to "shedding blood" in its social consequences.

Key Term – "Gain your brother" (Greek: kerdaino)

This is a commercial term meaning to profit or win something of great value. The goal isn't punishment—it's reconciliation. Jesus isn't advocating for confrontation to condemn, but to reclaim. This same term appears in 1 Peter 3:1, where believing spouses might "win" their unbelieving partners through godly conduct—highlighting that gentle influence, not forceful condemnation, is the Christian way.

Scriptural Connections

Proverbs 25:9 – “9 Debate your case with your neighbor, And do not disclose the secret to another;”

Galatians 6:1 – “1 Brethren, if a man is overtaken in any trespass, you who are spiritual restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness, considering yourself lest you also be tempted.”

James 5:19-20 – “19 Brethren, if anyone among you wanders from the truth, and someone turns him back, 20 let him know that he who turns a sinner from the error of his way will save a soul from death and cover a multitude of sins.”

Contemporary Example

Consider Miguel and David, who serve together in the church's worship ministry. Miguel notices that David has been consistently late, causing rehearsals to start behind schedule. Instead of complaining to the worship pastor or venting to other team members, Miguel respectfully asks David for coffee after service. In private, he shares his concern about how the tardiness affects the team. David explains he's been caring for his ill mother before service—something no one knew. Rather than creating division, their private conversation leads to mutual understanding, schedule adjustments, and a stronger friendship.

Application

Handle issues directly, not through gossip or social media

Ask clarifying questions before making accusations

Choose an appropriate private setting and timing

Use "I" statements instead of accusatory language

Pray before confronting, seeking God's wisdom and examining your own motives

Remember, the goal is restoration, not winning an argument

2. Partnering for Peace

Matthew 18:16 NKJV

16 But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that ‘by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.’

Jesus draws on Deuteronomy 19:15, a law meant to ensure justice in disputes. Witnesses weren't just spectators—they were mediators and protectors of truth. In Jewish courts (Sanhedrin), witnesses played an active role in establishing facts and seeking resolution. By invoking this legal principle in interpersonal conflicts, Jesus elevates the seriousness of broken relationships while providing a pathway to healing.

Theological Reflection

This step reflects the heart of the gospel—God does not abandon the unrepentant but lovingly persists. It mirrors how the Father sent prophets and ultimately His Son to call wayward people back. In Isaiah 1:18, God says, "Come now, and let us reason together," showing His commitment to dialogue even amidst human rebellion. The persistence of bringing others reflects God's relentless pursuit of reconciliation.

Scriptural Connections

Proverbs 11:14 – Proverbs 11:14 “14 Where there is no counsel, the people fall; But in the multitude of counselors there is safety.”

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 – “9 Two are better than one, Because they have a good reward for their labor. 10 For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, For he has no one to help him up.”

Contemporary Example

Jennifer discovered that Thomas, a fellow church member, had been spreading a mischaracterization of her views on a sensitive theological issue. After attempting to speak with him privately with no resolution, Jennifer asked their small group leader, Marcus, and a respected elder, Sarah, to join them for a conversation. Marcus and Sarah weren't there to "take sides" but to help both Jennifer and Thomas articulate their perspectives clearly and to offer biblical wisdom. Their presence created accountability and perspective that wouldn't have been possible one-on-one. Thomas realized he had misunderstood Jennifer's position, and Jennifer recognized how her communication could have been clearer. The mediators helped them establish a better pattern of communication moving forward.

Application

Bringing others is not about ganging up but gaining clarity and offering grace

Choose spiritually mature believers who aim for peace, not drama

Seek mediators who will be honest with both parties

The additional people should understand their role is to facilitate reconciliation, not judge

Consider using trained church mediators if available

Be humble enough to hear if the mediators see fault on both sides

3. Community with Conviction

Matthew 18:17 17 And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector.

Cultural Insight

In Jesus' time, the synagogue had authority over its members, including expulsion for unrepentant behavior (e.g., John 9:22). Jesus speaks of a new community—the church (ekklesia)—with real spiritual responsibility. The term "ekklesia" was used in Greek city-states for the assembly of citizens who governed the community, suggesting Jesus intended His church to have genuine authority in matters of spiritual accountability.

Key Phrase – "Let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector"

Jesus' audience would think of outsiders, yet how did Jesus treat tax collectors and sinners? He ate with them, called them to repentance, and offered grace. This is not permission to hate or ignore, but to change the relational posture—with boundaries, yes, but with a continued invitation to repentance. Remember Matthew himself—the author of this gospel—was a tax collector whom Jesus called to discipleship!

Theological Note

Church discipline is restorative, not retributive. It upholds holiness and holds the door open for the prodigal's return. The pattern echoes God's covenant dealings with Israel—establishing boundaries while extending mercy. In 1 Corinthians 5, Paul addresses a case requiring church discipline, but in 2 Corinthians 2:5-11, he urges the church to reaffirm their love for the repentant person, "so that Satan will not outsmart us."

Scriptural Connections

1 Corinthians 5:1-13 – Paul instructs the church to address unrepentant sin collectively

2 Thessalonians 3:14-15 – 2 Thessalonians 3:14–15 “14 And if anyone does not obey our word in this epistle, note that person and do not keep company with him, that he may be ashamed. 15 Yet do not count him as an enemy, but admonish him as a brother.”

Titus 3:10-11 – Guidance for handling divisive persons after multiple warnings Titus 3:10–11 “10 Reject a divisive man after the first and second admonition, 11 knowing that such a person is warped and sinning, being self-condemned.”

2 Corinthians 2:5-11 – The importance of restoration and forgiveness after repentance

Contemporary Example

A church leadership team discovered that John, who led a ministry to college students, was promoting teachings that contradicted essential doctrines. After two rounds of private meetings showed John was unwilling to align with the church's statement of faith, the elders brought the matter before the congregation in a carefully structured members' meeting. They explained the process they had followed, the specific theological concerns, and their continued love for John. The church established boundaries—John would step down from leadership and teaching—while making clear that he was welcome to attend services and that the door remained open for restoration to ministry if he returned to theological alignment. A designated elder maintained contact with John, inviting him to coffee monthly, showing that "treating him as a tax collector" meant continued evangelistic and pastoral outreach, not rejection.

Application

The church isn't a courtroom, but a spiritual family

We must protect both truth and love

Discipline is a last resort, never a first instinct

Community involvement should be appropriately limited—not sharing unnecessary details

Church leadership bears special responsibility in guiding this process

Even in separation, we continue to pray for and reach out to those who have stepped away

Different issues require different levels of response—discernment is crucial

Conclusion: Building a Culture of Graceful Correction

Matthew 18 is about restoration, not excommunication. The goal is not to win arguments but to win hearts. When handled biblically, conflict becomes a tool for growth, not division. In a cancel culture, the church is called to be a grace culture.

The church should model what healthy conflict resolution looks like in a world quick to attack, block, and "cancel" others. This means:

We seek understanding before judgment – James 1:19 reminds us to be "quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger." Our first response should be curiosity, not condemnation.

We recognize the log in our own eye – Matthew 7:3-5 calls us to self-examination before confronting others. Approaching conflict with humility transforms the conversation.

We speak truth in love – Ephesians 4:15 provides the dual mandate that should guide every difficult conversation. Truth without love is harsh; love without truth is hollow.

We forgive as we have been forgiven – Colossians 3:13 reminds us that our ability to forgive flows from our experience of Christ's forgiveness. The church should be the most forgiving community on earth.

We trust God's redemptive purposes – Romans 8:28 assures us that God works all things, even painful conflicts, for good. Joseph told his brothers, "You meant evil against me, but God meant it for good" (Genesis 50:20).

Broader Application

In an age of toxic discourse, political polarization, and online outrage, the church has an opportunity to model a better way. Jesus' pattern for conflict resolution can inform how we engage difficult conversations beyond church walls—in our families, workplaces, and even public discourse.

Final Thought

When Peter asked Jesus, "Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven" (Matthew 18:21-22). This remarkable command follows immediately after the instructions on church discipline, reminding us that even our most structured accountability must be saturated with a spirit of forgiveness.

In the words of Dietrich Bonhoeffer: "The Church is the Church only when it exists for others... The Church must share in the secular problems of ordinary human life, not dominating, but helping and serving."

May we be known as people who take sin seriously but grace even more seriously—who hate conflict but love reconciliation enough to walk through it faithfully.

Prayer Focus:

For wisdom in addressing conflicts in our lives

For courage to have difficult conversations with grace

For healing of broken relationships in our church family

For our church to be a witness through how we handle disagreements

For our community to see Christ through our love for one another