Walking Wisely: The Holy Helper of the Home

The wife of an Episcopalian priest passed away suddenly one Thursday evening. Next morning the grief-stricken husband telephoned his bishop: “My wife passed away last night. Please send a substitute for the weekend.”

—Brian O’Hara

Lowell D. Streiker, Nelson’s Big Book of Laughter: Thousands of Smiles from A to Z, electronic ed. (Nashville: Thomas Nelson Publishers, 2000), 442.

1. God’s Good Design for the Marriage and Home

A. God Does all things Good

Give Thanks for the Lord, for he Is GOOD, his steadfast love endures forever.  

No one is good but God alone” (Luke 18:19)

Wayne Grudem -goodness is “worthy of approval...Good” is what God approves. We may ask then, why is what God approves good? We must answer, “Because he approves it.” That is to say, there is no higher standard of goodness than God’s own character and his approval of whatever is consistent with that character.” 

God created the earth in Sox days and everyday of creation, he declared that what he created was “good.”

B. Man needed companionship

The first instance of the narrative of creation where God’s creation was stated as “not good” was  as God was creating man.  It doesn’t mean that God made a mistake in only creating man first but that the creation was incomplete.  The man, Adam needed a suitable companion.  

Genesis 2:18 (ESV)18 Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.”

Animals were created but unfit)

Genesis 2:20 (ESV)20 The man gave names to all livestock and to the birds of the heavens and to every beast of the field. But for Adam there was not found a helper fit for him.

 Eve was created and was suitable

That companionship points back to God

1 Corinthians 11:3 (ESV)3 But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God.

C. Equal in Essence

All three persons of the Godhead are equally God.  There has never been a moment in time or before time that The Father, Son and Spirit were ever not equally God.  They have always been three persons, in one God and they always will be.  This means that Jesus did not give up his essence as God when He became a man.  Instead be fully retained his essence as God.  

As they are equal in essence, they are also distinct in personhood.  The Father is not the Son and the Son is not the Spirit.  With that distinctiveness, comes the differing function or responsibility. The Father did not come upon the earth to die for sins, nor did the Spirit.  That was distinctly the work of redemption carried out through the Son, by the power of the Spirit, and according to the plan of the Father.  

This is very important to our discussion today about biblical marriage because men and woman are a shadow of the Godhead in their own existence.  What I mean, is there is a similar reality that both men and women are equal in their essence as human beings, being made in the image of God.  God values men and women equally, saves men and women equally, and he uses men and women equally to display his glory on the earth.  Man is not more human than woman and woman is not more important to God than man.  They are both image-beaers of God and those who look to Christ alone for salvation, both inherit the grace of life offered in Jesus’ name.  

D. Distinct in Function 

While they are equal to God in their essence, the created order in Gen. 1-2 also reveal, like the Godhead, a distinctiveness of roles and functions.  This is by no means a parallel to the godhead, but it reflects a similar idea.  

One can possess a different function and still be equal in essence and worth. Women are equal to men in essence and in being; there is no ontological distinction, and yet they have a different function or role in church and home. Such differences do not logically imply inequality or inferiority, just as Christ’s subjection to the Father does not imply His inferiority.

The primary distinction of these roles between man and woman in marriage is the headship of the husband and the submission of the wife.  We talked last week about how that role of headship was given by God in the covenant of marriage to the man, before the fall into sin.  Christ-centered husbands seek first to center their lives under the authority of Christ.  In doing so, they will be filled with His Spirit as they lead their wives/families and provide for their needs.

In Gen 2, Eve is created from Adam’s rib, signifying the unity they have, she came from him, and yet she is called a suitable helper fit for him.  The reference to “helper” means that she is the support of the husband. For some, support is considered a derogatory term but like I said last week, the same term is used of God himself.  

Psalm 70:5 (ESV)5 But I am poor and needy; hasten to me, O God! You are my help and my deliverer; O Lord, do not delay!

In addition, the idea that the wife is a helper fit for him, implies that the husband demonstrates weakness that are complemented by her strengths and vice versa.  The marriage union is a practical faith in God to work his providence out so that pairing two people together in marriage is a sovereign act of care towards them.  He blesses them with partners that complement them and serve as companions for this earthly life.  

Proverbs 31:11–12 (ESV)11 The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. 12 She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life….23 Her husband is known in the gates when he sits among the elders of the land.

An important word you need to learn today is complementarity which is a recognition, that men and women are created equal before God as image bearers, have equal value and worth and yet their distinctive roles as men and women in society, the home and the church serve the good of humanity and the glory of God. Complementarianism is simply a word that describes the framework of God’s design between the man and woman at creation.  To deny this truth is to deny what God ordained from the beginning of creation.  

When I think of helper, I think of the pier at the beach you may be visiting this summer.  The pier reaches far past the beach into the ocean.  Fisherman earn a living because of it.  Families find joy visiting the pier by walking upon her decks and marveling at the beauty of ocean.  The pier accomplishes its great feat because of the structure beneath it, upholding it against the waves and the storm.  Marveling at the boardwalk or pillars is not the ultimate purpose.  The ultimate purpose is to enjoy the beauty of the vast ocean.  Its the glory of the ocean that is the purpose of the pier.  

In this picture, the husband is the boardwalk and the wife is the pillar.  Both of them work together to complement each other.  Remove one from the partnership and the purpose of the pier cannot be achieved.  Neither of them exist to receive the ultimate glory for the ultimate glory is God.  He is the ocean and the marriage simply exists to assist people in seeing God’s glory more clearly and intimately.  The pillars are physically under boardwalk and yet their value is no less important. The wife may be under the headship and leadership of her husband, but together their purpose in the marriage relationship is for God’s supreme glory.  

E. Corrupted by sin

The fall of mankind into sin corrupted the respected roles of husband and wife.  

In the Gen 3 narrative that brother Terry read earlier, we see that immediately the rebellion against God manifested a rebellion against his authority and design of husband and wife.  Last week, I taught how Adam did not lead his wife the way that he should.  He did not serve as her protector when Satan came around tempting her.  He did not lead her spiritually to turn away from temptation and remember the words of the Lord, 

Genesis 2:16–17 (ESV)

16 And the Lord God commanded the man, saying, “You may surely eat of every tree of the garden, 17 but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat of it you shall surely die.”

What we see in the Gen 3 passage when Eve is tempted by Satan is that Eve is tempted to deny the authority of God and disbelieve the promises and goodness of God.  Instead, she gave into the temptation of her eyes and her quest for wisdom outside of God’s word and the world fell into sin.  Both Adam and Eve are to blame for their own rebellion against God and yet Adam is the one, as head of the home, that God confronts first (V9).

Now notice the result of the fall of man into sin, the consequences of that sin have lasting effects throughout the generations.  Not only is mankind now at odds with God but they are at odds with each other.  Husbands and wives are now so effected by sin, that sin fights against the created order of God’s design from biblical marriage.  Adam and Eve are both guilty before God of usurping his authority and the effects of sin throughout the world that is born from these two is that humanity continues to rebel against God’s created order and His authority.  Therefore, both husband and wife experience the corrupted desire to rebel against God in their roles has husbands and wives.  Husbands are continually tempted to ignore the leadership God has called them to exhibit, just as Adam did.  They are driven to laziness, passivity, and a lack of courage.  This is sins effect on man in his calling to manhood as its expressed in the world.  

The woman likewise feels the weight of sin’s effects.  In v 16, we read the multiplied pain in childbearing.  This immediately answers the questions that childbearing would always be painful just as Adam working the garden would always be hard work.  There is actually a parallel used in the Hebrew where “painful labor” is used to describe both Adam’s garden tending and Eve’s child bearing.  Both curses still bring forth the blessings of life at the expense of hard work but neither excluded toil before sin cursed the earth.  

Secondly, vs 16 reveals a difficult translation.  What does it mean when God says, 

Genesis 3:16 (ESV)…Your desire shall be contrary to your husband, but he shall rule over you.”

Some say desire means that there will still be intimacy between husband and wife regardless of the pain of childbearing.  But that does not sound much like a judgment rendered from God or a negative result of the curse that is similar to the rest of the verses.  Instead, we turn to the next chapter in Gen 4:7 with Adam and Eve’s children.  In Gen 4:7 we see the same two words “desire” and “rule” being used in regards to sin in Cain’s life, 

Genesis 4:7 (ESV)7 If you do well, will you not be accepted? And if you do not do well, sin is crouching at the door. Its desire is contrary to you, but you must rule over it.”

This is no coincidence.  Both verses speak of the longing that sin creates contrary to the purposes and word of God.  For Cain, his desire was to be jealous of and kill his brother, a desire that was rebellion against God’s created order to choose and protect life.  Cain was commanded by God to master that desire instead of it mastering him.  

Similarly, the desire of the wife is also contrary to God’s creation order whereby she seeks to rule over her husband, thus rebelling against his authority and God’s authority.  Instead, Eve is reminded that her husband instead will rule over her.  That rule is not referring to tyranny by the husband and actually harkens back to his leadership in the home.  

Ladies, as you consider this passage, and as you evaluate your heart, you understand sin’s desire in you to usurp the leadership of your husband and rule your home.  This is great effect that sin has on both husband and wife that would leave us hopeless if it wasn’t for the following promise to the woman.

Genesis 3:15 (ESV)

15 I will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your offspring and her offspring; he shall bruise your head, and you shall bruise his heel.”

V 15 is often referred to as the PROTOEVANGLIUM or the ”first of the good news.”  This good news is the promise of redemption and restoration between God and man.  The seed of the woman would be bruised by the seed of the snake but the seed of the woman would be the one to crush his head.  We understand this to point to Jesus Christ, who was bruised upon the cross when he came to offer up his life as a sacrifice for sinners and it was Jesus who crushed the head of the snake, who is Satan when he died for the salvation of many and rose victoriously from the grave, defeating death and sin.  

This hope that we have in Jesus is the hope that husbands and wives must depend on as they live their lives as reflectors of God’s glory.  It takes God powerfully making new creations out of men and women their faith in Christ for biblical marriage to reflect his glory.  Wives, you cannot truly fulfill your duties as a biblical wife if you first do not submit to Christ and allow the holy Spirit to create in you new life in Jesus name.  

This is why Paul again prefaces Eph 5 as first being people who are submitted to Christ before they can be biblical husbands, wives, parents, or works for the glory of God.  

2. The Holy Head of the Home

A. Wives must be Christ-honoring,  Spirit filled women

Ephesians 5:15–18 (ESV)

15 Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, 16 making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. 17 Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is. 18 And do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit,

Ephesians 5:22–24 (ESV)

22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

Ladies, first and foremost, you must examine your heart to see if you are in the faith.  Countless women in the world have good marriage outside of Christ but they do not experience the best of marriage because Christ must be center of both the husband and the wife for the purpose of marriage to be reached.  Being Spirit-filled only comes when a person is saved by the blood of Christ for their sins and he empowers them to do what is unnatural in their own selves to do.  

Ladies, understand that sin desires for you to rebell against the created order of God and HIS AUTHORITY OVER YOUR LIFE.  The same effect of sin is upon your husband as well for sin is impartial.  True faith in Christ is a repentance from sin and a faith in Jesus Christ alone for salvation.  You must trust in Him to save you from the wrath of God and you must hope in his power to help you accomplish all that He has purposed for you as a woman.  

Paul states it is foolish to live against the authority of God in our lives, therefore seek the wisdom of God and his good purposes for us.  

B. Wives must be humble and submissive women

Ephesians 5:22–24 (ESV)

22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. 

The term submission always causes such great alarm because the world around us defines submission of wives to husbands as oppression.  Biblical submission is not oppressive to the woman when it is done with heart that seeks after God.  Submission, as I explained last week, means to be under the authority and leadership of another.  Because companionship and complementarity is so key to the relationship of the husband and wife, then submission does not have to be an offensive term.  Submission is the role the wife plays in a biblical marriage without losing dignity or worth in this life.  

Opponents of Biblical submission often tout that submission of the wife means a loss of freedom and self-worth but that is far from the truth.  Remember we already saw how submitting to the plan and authority of God means  that women are equally valuable to God.  Secondly, is usurping biblical submission really freedom in this life? If you rebel against God’s authority and design, are you actually experiencing freedom, or are you simply just enslaved under something that appears to offer freedom but in actuality is just a transference of authority.  John Piper comments, 

There are sensations of unbounded independence that are not true freedom because they deny truth and are destined for calamity. For example, two women may jump from an airplane and experience the thrilling freedom of free-falling. But there is a difference: one is encumbered by a parachute on her back and the other is free from this burden. Which person is most free? The one without the parachute feels free—even freer, since she does not feel the constraints of the parachute straps. But she is not truly free. She is in bondage to the force of gravity and to the deception that all is well because she feels unencumbered. This false sense of freedom is in fact bondage to calamity which is sure to happen after a fleeting moment of pleasure….Freedom does include doing what we want to do. But the mature and wise woman does not seek this freedom by bending reality to fit her desires. She seeks it by being transformed in the renewal of her desires to fit in with God’s perfect will (Romans 12:2). The greatest freedom is found in being so changed by God’s Spirit that you can do what you love to do and know that it conforms to the design of God and leads to life and glory.

Please don’t believe the lie the world is trying to sell you that autonomy gives you greater value as a person.  You were not created to be independent.  You were made to depend upon your Creator for all things and He has provided a husband to guide you, lead you and protect you on this earth.  If you marry, then you are dependent on your companion and partner. If single, you are still dependent upon and under the authority of on your church. There is not a scenario where independence is a God’s plan.

Submission to your husband is also not about his perfection or worthiness as good leader.  He may be a very bad leader but understand that your submission is first to the Lord, who is perfect in every way and he has gifted you with your husband and his imperfections.  Bryan Chapell writes, 

'Submission motivated by love for the Savior who suffered on the cross for us can help a woman whose friends or her own inclinations encourage her to base her submissive actions or non actions on her husbands worthiness. Such false encouragers may whisper , “why should you serve the good of a person like that if he treat you so poorly or is so unappealing or has so little potential for making you happy.”  These voices tempt us to submit to God’s purpose only when the person we serve make it worthwhile for us to do so."

Peter speaks of the biblical form of submission of the wife which is founded in humility, a humility that is only derived from a relationship with Christ.  Peter is addressing women in particularly hard situations where the husband is an unbeliever, but the humble submission is universally needed.  

1 Peter 3:1–6 (ESV)

1 Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, 2 when they see your respectful and pure conduct. 3 Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— 4 but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious. 5 For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, 6 as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord.

B. A Holy Helper strives for being respectful and pure conduct

honor your husbands as you honor Christ: to revere to acknowledge proper authority

This does not mean that a wife follows her husband’s requests into sinful situations or habits.  A husband who asks his life to participate in immoral actions, unethical actions or to ignore the clear teachings of Christ is grounds for the wife to respectfully refuse based on her love for Christ over her love for her husband.  

This does mean a wife shows her husband the appropriate respect in relationship to his role as leader.  She must encourage him to lead well and humbly and patiently wait on him to do so.  Impatiently stepping in to lead in his absence might be the final action but should first be preceded with patience and continual encouragement to do so.  Honoring him is to see the good gift that He is from the Lord while looking past his weaknesses and failures.  

A Gentle and quiet spirit is not one that demands to be in leadership or takes leadership on her own authority. Instead, it is one who leads by honoring those leaders in authority over her in her home and in her church.  Some take gentle and quiet to mean that women do not have a voice in matters of the home but that is far from the truth.  Instead a complementarity in marriage acknowledges the importance of marital discussion and participation in all matters of this life and beyond.  Decisions should be made in tandem and not in tyrannical forms.  The husband as head takes responsibility of those decisions made by the couple and ultimately may have the final say on matters that cannot be agreed upon, but he nor she should operate as dictators of their desires nor the decisions in the marriage.  

Instead, the gentle and quiet spirit is a wife who leads in her home while submitting to her husband’s leadership.  She undergirds his leadership and complements his weaknesses.  She does so with humility, with consistent prayer for him and honoring him chiefly above all earthly men.  

Ladies, let me encourage you to consider this last statement “chiefly above all earthly men” in connection with your earthly fathers.  Girls are dependent upon their daddies all throughout life, but when marriage comes, a woman transfers her chief trust from daddy protection and care, to her husband.  Now her husband is the leader of her home and repsonsible in these ways her dad was before.  It is demoralizing to a man, when a wife calls her dad to fix things in life.  Sure it is a natural inclination that comes along with the phrase “ a man shall leave his father and mother and cling to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”  Typically, healthy tears flowing from a dads face at the wedding is the realization that neediness from his daughter is now transferred to her spouse and not him.  

C. Wives must be hardworking, homemakers 

Finally, we see from Scripture the call of wives to value the gift of God that He has given you with your home.  Again, the push from the a secular world is to do everything you can to escape the confinement of your home but that is Satan’s lie against what God calls you. Read Proverbs 31 with me,

Proverbs 31:10–31 (ESV)

10 An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. 11 The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. 12 She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life. 13 She seeks wool and flax, and works with willing hands. 14 She is like the ships of the merchant; she brings her food from afar. 15 She rises while it is yet night and provides food for her household and portions for her maidens. 16 She considers a field and buys it; with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard. 17 She dresses herself with strength and makes her arms strong. 18 She perceives that her merchandise is profitable. Her lamp does not go out at night. 19 She puts her hands to the distaff, and her hands hold the spindle. 20 She opens her hand to the poor and reaches out her hands to the needy. 21 She is not afraid of snow for her household, for all her household are clothed in scarlet. 22 She makes bed coverings for herself; her clothing is fine linen and purple. 23 Her husband is known in the gates when he sits among the elders of the land. 24 She makes linen garments and sells them; she delivers sashes to the merchant. 25 Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come. 26 She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. 27 She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. 28 Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: 29 “Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.” 30 Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. 31 Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates.

Without proper time to break this passage down fully, the overarching theme is the wife working hard, to provide what is needed in the home.  We see the wife described here with multiple traits:

Not Idle but Productive 

Not foolish but wise

Not weak but strong

Not selfish but generous 

Not disorganized but purposeful

Not discontent but full of joy in the Lord

The context surrounding these traits is the context of the home, her family, and serving the God-ordained roles of being a homemaker.  Likewise in the NT, the apostle Paul writes that wives should 

Titus 2:5 (ESV)

5 to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.

And younger women should 

1 Timothy 5:14 (ESV)

14 … marry, bear children, manage their households, and give the adversary no occasion for slander.

Ladies, I am not going to try and redact the word of God in order to fit the social norms of our day.  Regardless of what society may say if fulfilling, the Bible makes it clear the supreme value and importance of a wife giving first priority to making her home a place where kids are loved, cared for, and discipled for the glory of God. 

Dorothy Patterson makes a bold and true statement , 

Women have been liberated right out of the genuine freedom they enjoyed for centuries to oversee the home, rear the children, and pursue personal creativity; they have been brainwashed to believe that the absence of a titled, payroll occupation enslaves a woman to failure, boredom, and imprisonment within the confines of home. Though feminism speaks of liberation, self-fulfillment, personal rights, and breaking down barriers, these phrases inevitably mean the opposite.  In fact, the opposite is true because a salaried job and titled position can inhibit a woman’s natural nesting instinct and maternity by inverting her priorities so that failures almost inevitably come in the rearing of her own children and the building of an earthly shelter for those whom she loves most.

I would never say that a woman cannot work outside the home to help financially.  My wife works a few different ways to make money for our family but she never does it at the expense of the family itself, nor does she do it to attain some worth or value from society.

Some might object to the time and effort put into a college degree to which I would respond, when you stand before Christ one day, will he want to see a long list of accolades and business accomplishments on your resume or will he desire to see a home that was care for as he cares for you, a husband who was loved and respected, and children who were raised in the future and admonition of the Lord?

Wives,

Are you faithfully walking with the Lord chiefly, not passing that time off only when you take care of your home duties?

Are you trusting the Lord with the man that He has given you as you wait patiently, pray fervently, and care consistently for Him and your family?