Blueprint for the family: Col 3:18-21

What do I believe God wants us to know? How to have a flourishing family

Why? We all want a family that is flourishing. Our family has a direct impact on all of life

What do I believe God wants us do? Wife’s submit, husband sacrificial love, kids honor, fathers speak with love

Why? It brings flourishing to the family

One thing we all want deep down—whether we’re single, married, raising kids, non-believer or believer is: we want a healthy family, a flourishing family!

We want our family to be marked by

- love, not war

- Respect, not resentment.

- Peace, not chaos.

-Flouring children,

Flouring home

But here’s the tension: wanting it doesn’t mean we will have it

We need a blueprint

On top of that

In fact, for many of us, family has been the place of our deepest wounds, not our greatest joys. We carry scars from what went wrong in the homes we grew up in. Now we’re trying to raise kids while still healing from how we were raised. We long for connection but often end up in conflict. We want to break unhealthy cycles but don’t always know how.

Here’s the good news: God hasn’t left us guessing.

God gives us a blue print. HOUSE HOLD CODES. The family was HIS IDEA and it he wants it to flourish

In Colossians 3:18–21, He gives us a clear blueprint for family life. Not just tips or tricks—but truths that, when lived out, can transform our homes from the inside out. Some of these will be a challenge to our modern culture and some were a challenge to ancient culture, especially when you discover that there were household codes of the time

Today, we’re going to look at God’s vision for the family—not just what it should look like, but how His grace makes it possible.

Let’s lean in—because this message isn’t just about family structure, it’s about family healing.

4 Roles of the family

Let’s read the first two together, make some observersations then view them seperatly

Colossians 3:18–19 ESV

Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.

Now, let’s be honest—I MAYBE OPENED A CAN OF WORDS with some folks. Why? What is the word that has been abused? these verses make a lot of people uncomfortable. We read the word “submit” and alarms start going off. We hear words like “control,” or “abuse” in our mind.

And we have seen it. And truthfully, there are reasons for the resistance….in the church and home two places in scripture God calls MEN to LEAD

-We’ve seen submission distorted—used as a weapon instead of a gift.

- We’ve watched men use “headship” as an excuse to dominate rather than serve.

Submit…not matter what…my way or the high way

“The male is by nature superior and the female inferior, and the one rules and the other is ruled; this principle, of necessity, extends to all mankind.” - Aristotle

“The courage of a man is shown in commanding, of a woman in obeying.” - Aristotle

SEE THIS TODAY

This isn’t God’s design.It is never oppression—but protection, leadership, flourishing, and MORE IMPORTANTLY SACRIFICAL LOVE.

Let’s unpack it: what does it actually mean to submit?

1. “Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.” (v.18)

What does the Word submit mean?

It is a military term meaning to placing oneself under the authority, leadership, or care of another. as he submits to the authority of Christ

Does it mean to for wives to OBEY their husbands? No it says SUBMIT

Does it mean for the wife to SUBMIT in everything?

NO, there is not unilateral human submission called for in scripture.

Cheat on taxes, lie, get drunk and etc. the wife is not to submit

NOr Does this mean the husband always get His way?

No, vehicle wife…Husband says 3:18…Wife says

Ephesians 5:25 ESV

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,

ALso, SUBMISSION… This doesn’t mean the wife is less than. That is

This isn't about inferiority. You are not less than. Submission in the biblical sense is about willingly coming under leadership—not because you're less. It is because it is the way that good has designed.

Jesus submitted himself to the FATHER…Is he less than God?

The WIFE IS TO SUBMIT TO THE AUTHORITY OF THE MAN

The husband is to lead…Lead the family, lead spriritually, lead relatoinally,

BUT WHAT KIND OF LEADERSHIP IS HE TO HAVE…

WE ARE JIBING WITH YOU WITH THE WOMAN SUBMITTING.

We are in agreement

Ancient household codes were written by men, and they emphasized authority, control, and the hierarchy of power. Men were the undisputed heads of households, and the roles of women and children, terms of obedience and subordination.

- Wives were to obey their husbands.

- Children were to fear their fathers.

Men were rarely told how to treat others—they were simply expected to rule well, often with strict discipline.

2. “Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.” (v.19)

Love? Agape love. is the highest and most selfless form of love described in the New Testament. It’s God’s kind of love—unconditional, sacrificial, and chosen, not just felt.

Wife is suppose to agape love me!

IRONIC is THE HUSBAND IS COMMANDED TO LOVE THE WIFE IS NOT… in the house hold codes and the only other place is titust 2:4 Philo love

Ephesians 5:25 says it even more clearly: FURTHERS THIS

“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”

If you’re a husband, your role is not to dominate—it’s to die to yourself.

PRETTY BIG TASK

NOT HARSH…THE VOICE OF GOD TO US IS NOT HARSH … how am I supposed to lead? LIKE JESUS

You are to be gentle, loving, kind, warm,

The questions for the husbands, ask yourself:

- Are you leading like Jesus, laying down your life—or trying to get my way?

- Are you you gentle with her heart, or harsh with my words?

God calls us in marriage a mutual submission What mutual submission looks like:

She respects him. Submits to his authority

He sacrifices for her.

Ephesians 5:21 ESV

submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.

when we do this we have a flourishing marriage

Let’s wrestle with a couple of the reasons we do not live into this?

WORLD

Don’t submit we are empowered woman.

Don’t die to self. Do what you want

HOW has that worked in our world? Divorce at over 50%….

PRIDE

I want what I want.

I don’t want to come second. I want to be first.

Philippians 2:3–5 ESV

Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus,

FEAR

Things won’t go welll

AND TO TOP IT OFF YOU HAVE SEEN YOUR SPOUSE NOT LIVE INTO THEIR ROLE, for day or season.

We want our own way and we afraid if we give our way up and we will not be loved.

I like what Tim Keller says as it relates to PRIDE and FEAR

In Western culture today, you decide to get married because you feel an attraction to the other person. You think he or she is wonderful. But then a year or two later – or, just as often, a month or two – three things usually happen. First, you begin to find out how selfish this wonderful person is that you are married too. Second, you discover that the wonderful person has been going through a similar experience and he or she begins to tell you how selfish you are. And third, though you acknowledge your selfishness, you conclude that your spouse’s selfishness is more problematic than your own. This is especially true if you feel you’ve had a hard life and have experienced a lot of hurt. You say silently, “OK, I shouldn’t do that – but you don’t understand me.” The woundedness makes us minimize our own selfishness. And that’s the point at which many married couples arrive at after a relatively brief period of time.

So what do you do then? There are at least two paths to take. First, you could decide that your woundedness is more fundamental than your self-centeredness and determine that unless your spouse sees the problems you have and takes care of you, it's not going to work out. Of course, your spouse will probably not do this-especially if he or she is thinking almost the exact same thing about you! And so what follows is the development of emotional distance and, perhaps, a slowly negotiated kind of détente or ceasefire. There is an unspoken agreement not to talk about some things. There are some things your spouse does that you hate, but you stop talking about them as long as he or she stops bothering you about certain other things. No one changes for the other; there is only tit-for-tat bargaining.

Couples who settle for this kind of relationship may look happily married after forty years, but when it's time for the anniversary photo op, the kiss will be forced.

The alternative to this truce-marriage is to determine to see your own selfishness as a fundamental problem and to treat it more seriously than you do your spouse's. Why? Only you have complete access to your own selfish-ness, and only you have complete responsibility for it. So each spouse should take the Bible seriously, should make a commitment to "give yourself up." You should stop making excuses for selfishness, you should begin to root it out as it's revealed to you, and you should do so regardless of what your spouse is doing. If two spouses each say, "I'm going to treat my self-centeredness as the main problem in the marriage," you have the prospect of a truly great marriage.

Wives Submit

Husbands scarcifically love

Children obey you parents

Colossians 3:20–21"

Let’s keep reading in Colossians 3:20

Colossians 3:20 ESV

Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.

3. “Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.” (v.20)

Obey in everything? NO!

Not sinful things

Lie, cheat, fudge the truth

But it does mean if your parents say

Clean the room, you clean the room without complaining or agruing

Forgive your sibling

Get off the video games

Follow their advice

1. Why? HONOR GOD - it’s an act of worship.

In a world that often teaches kids to “follow your heart” or “challenge authority,” God says something different: “Honor your father and mother.”

Not only does it HONOR GOD it helps you live long in the land.

In Ephesians 6:1–3, Paul adds:

“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ‘Honor your father and mother’—which is the first commandment with a promise—‘so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.’”

2. Kids do your parents know more than you?

They are trying to lead you on the right path and they often know what is best and they often have your best insterst at heart.

4. . “Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.” (v.21)

Notice Paul speaks directly to fathers here. He’s not saying don’t provoke but it was written in the GREECO ROMAN HOUSEHOLD it was a good for you to PROVOKE

ἐρεθίζετε (erethizete), cause someone to feel resentment towards you that can often come through a continuous action of criticism, harsh language, unreasonalbe demands, inconsistant disicple, yelling

- Such behavior can lead children to feel disheartened or lose motivation or hopelessness

Paul’s words are a warning: You can win the argument and lose the child. You can demand obedience and yet damage the relationship.

Instead Fathers:

Christ like Communicate

Positively: Offer constructive feedback instead of constant criticism.

Set Realistic Expectations: Understand each child's unique abilities and avoid imposing undue pressure.

Be Consistent: Ensure that rules and consequences are clear and applied fairly.

Encourage Open Dialogue: Create a safe space for children to express their thoughts and feelings.

NOT YELL

Friends we have journey a long way today. We have unpacked a lot and HAVE been blessed that God give us a blue print in how to life

- Wives, willing submission rooted in trust.

- Husbands, sacrificial love that mirrors Jesus.

- Children, obedient honor that pleases the Lord.

- Fathers, gentle leadership that builds up, not tears down.

But if we’re honest, these things don’t come naturally. - Pride gets in the way. - Fear gets in the way. - Wounds from the past and bad examples we’ve seen—get in the way.

But here's the good news: Jesus gets in the way too.

Jesus stepped into the brokenness of our families, and through His death and resurrection, He gives us:

- Forgiveness for where we’ve failed,

- Grace for where we’re weak,

- Healing for what’s been broken,

- Power to live out His design for family.

So the question isn’t: “Is a flourishing family even possible?” The question is: “Will I trust God’s design and step into His grace?”

You don’t have to be perfect—but you do have to be willing.

- Willing to lead with love.

- Willing to submit with trust.

- Willing to parent with patience.

- Willing to honor, even when it’s hard.

Because the flourishing family doesn’t start with them—it starts with me and you. with God helping you.

🙏 Call to Response

As we close, ask yourself:

- What do I need to work on in our family?

- Where do I need to repent?

Where do I need to ask for forgivness?

Let’s surrender our families to the One who created the family. Let’s ask Him to rebuild what’s broken and breathe life into what feels dry.

Knowing through HIm all thing are possible

That’s where flourishing begins. Let’s pray.