1 Peter 3:1-7 - Bearing Witness in Marriage

Introduction

If you are a Christian husband, does your treatment of your wife make her glad that you are a Christian? Does your treatment of her make her grateful to God? Is she drawn toward Christ by your husbanding?

If you are a Christian wife, does your treatment of your husband make him glad that you are a Christian? Does he thank God for your attitude, your conduct, and your virtue? Is he drawn toward Christ by your wifing?

And what about non-Christians around you? Do they notice that your marriage is distinctly Christian? Or does it look pretty much like any other marriage where Christians are not involved?

And if you’re young and not yet married, what sort of husband or wife should you aim to be? What sort of man or woman should you be looking for?

Just a few weeks ago, I preached a sermon on the relational ordering of marriage. I argued (from the Bible) that (1) husbands ought to love and lead their wives and children, (2) that wives ought to submit to and respect their husbands, and (3) that children ought to obey and honor their parents. My goal then was to outline a Christian design and arrangement for marriage – the sort of order of the home that is necessary for us to live a well-ordered life.

Some of you probably know that I plan our preaching calendar pretty far in advance. For example, I know what passages and who’s preaching on most every Sunday from now until December. I planned this whole year by November of last year, and that is typical of my sermon planning. I also outline the whole book of the Bible I’m going to preach through before I ever preach the first sermon in it.

That said, I don’t actually get into a deep study of each passage until the week of preaching it, and I don’t organize the whole preaching calendar according to topics or themes. So, there’s a chance that my topical sermon series each year will sometimes overlap a bit with our expositional series.

Now, the reason I’m telling you all of this is because it’s happening today. Our passage today is part of the expositional series through 1 Peter, and I did not intentionally set it up to fall so closely beside my topical sermon on a well-ordered marriage. Our passage today also focuses on marriage, and it also highlights the ordered relationship between husband and wife.

I think, though, there is a distinct emphasis in our passage today – distinct from the topical message I preached a few weeks ago. My topical message emphasized the importance of order in the home for the purpose of arranging ourselves according to God’s design and intention for marriage. We will enjoy better harmony in our home if we will give ourselves to living within the boundaries and structures God has intentionally created for our good.

Today (in 1 Peter 3:1-7), the emphasis is on distinctly Christian conduct in the marital relationship for the purpose of Christian witness. We not only want to enjoy better harmony, but we also want to bear witness to Christ in our marriage – bearing witness to unbelievers around us and even bearing witness to an unbelieving spouse (if that is our present situation).

Brothers and sisters (those of us who love and trust the Lord Jesus Christ), we want to live “honorable” and “holy” lives – as “children of God” – in our daily activity and conduct, and this includes our politics, our vocation, and our marriage (1 Pet. 1:14, 2:9-12). In fact, I believe Christians bear witness (to non-Christians around them)… Christians bear witness of their allegiance to Christ in these various relationships, and this is most especially true in the relationship of marriage.

May God help us to understand, to trust, and to obey His word today.

Scripture Reading

1 Peter 3:1-7 (ESV)

1 Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, 2 when they see your respectful and pure conduct.

3 Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— 4 but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.

5 For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, 6 as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.

7 Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.

Main Idea:

Christians are to bear witness of their allegiance to Christ in their marriage, women submitting without fear and men honoring with understanding.

Sermon

1. Bearing Witness in Marriage (v1)

Christians are to bear witness of their allegiance to Christ in their marriage.

Friends, very few efforts in our everyday lives will distinguish us as Christians in the world like our efforts to initiate, to maintain, to order, and to persevere in biblical marriage. Those young people in America who marry earlier (rather than later) often have a Christian view of marriage. Those people staying married over the long hall usually view marriage in the way the Bible defines it. And those people who experience orderly marriages (not constantly renegotiating the relational structure of it) have often embraced traditional Christian marriage.

Now, I’m not saying that heterosexual and monogamous and lengthy marriages are always an indicator that husband and wife are spiritually-alive followers of Christ. But I am saying that these are common indicators (in our culture) that husband and wife are aiming to live according to biblical principles and ethics – whether they have a meaningful relationship with Christ or not.

In our sexually deviant and overtly sexualized and individualized culture, one of the main ways that non-Christians can notice our distinctly Christian way of life is in the way we treat marriage (Christians honor it, they invest in it, and they defend it). The non-Christians around us will notice how we treat marriage, and our non-Christian spouse (if we have one) will most certainly notice.

Peter emphasizes this very reality in his call for Christian wives to “be subject to your own husbands” (1 Pet. 3:1). He commands Christian women to do this “so that (v1) even if some [husbands] do not obey the word” or “do not know and believe the gospel,” then “they may be won [or “converted to Christ”] without a word by the conduct of their wives” (1 Pet. 3:1).

Now, Peter is not advocating for non-verbal evangelism here. He’s not saying that we should “preach the gospel at all times” and only “use words when necessary.” He is saying that faith in Christ, belief in Christ, or allegiance to Christ will show up in our daily “conduct” (1 Pet. 3:2). And Peter is saying that consistent Christian conduct will bear compelling witness to those who encounter it.

Friends, consistent Christian conduct – living like we believe the gospel is true, like we believe Christ is Lord, like we believe the last day is fast approaching – this sort of living is a compelling way to bear witness of the Lord Jesus Christ. Our words have more weight when our actions generally match up with them.

To use an old familiar phrase, “We must practice what we preach.”

We should also note that Peter used the connecting word “Likewise” twice in our passage this morning. It does not seem to me that Peter means the husband-wife relationship is analogous to the master-slave relationship, which he addressed just above. In other words, Peter is not saying, “Likewise, wives, be subject to your husbands in the same way that servants are subject to their masters.”

Rather (it seems to me), Peter is using “Likewise” here to indicate that he is still talking about various relationships in which his overarching command ought to be applied – “Keep your conduct among the Gentiles [or “non-Christians”] honorable” (1 Pet. 2:12). Indeed, marriage is yet another “human institution” or “creaturely authority structure” in which Christian conduct must be lived out for the purpose of bearing faithful witness to our Lord Jesus Christ (1 Pet. 2:13).

To summarize I think what Peter is saying throughout this larger section of his letter is, “Christian, honor the emperor or king (2:13-17), be subject to those with authority over you in your labors (2:18-25), and if you are a wife, then be subject to your own husband (3:1-6).” Peter’s mind seems to be moving from the broadest category of submission under creaturely authority to the narrower categories: civil rulers of the state (big circle), bosses on the job or in our vocation (tighter circle), and husbands in the home (smallest circle of all).

Peter addresses husbands in this passage too, but he focuses more on the wife (6 verses to 1). I think he did this because (in the context of this letter) Peter was emphasizing the need for consistent Christian conduct for those believers under authority – those who are vulnerable, those who (like the Christian church in the ancient Roman empire) found themselves called to faithfulness amid a world that would often take advantage of them or even persecute them.

This was a major theme of our passage from last Sunday, where Peter addressed submission to authority in our labors (1 Pet. 2:18-25). Peter pointed to Christ as the perfect example of “doing good,” and even suffering “injustice” for it, as He “continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly” (1 Pet. 2:23). Jesus did more than just give us an example – He “bore our sins in his body on the tree” (v24) – but Jesus most certainly exemplified godly living in a hostile world.

God will judge all sin and sinners justly on the last day, and this perspective can free us to conduct ourselves honorably, even to endure injustice, as we aim to bear witness to Christ by living faithfully when we are vulnerable.

Brothers and sisters, I can’t think of any relationship that makes us more vulnerable or more exposed than marriage. We share every part of our lives with our spouse. We share joint bank accounts, we share our whole lives, and we expose our complete nakedness (in every sense of the term). We raise children together, and we share the same bathroom, bed, and breakfast table.

Our wagons are hitched, and every road we travel, we do it together. When we make bad decisions, we both suffer. When we succeed, we both celebrate. Whether life gives us hardships or advantages, we experience them together.

Thus, marriage is the most basic and obvious relationship where Christian conduct can shine the brightest in a dark and hostile world. And this is Peter’s call – that Christians bear witness of our allegiance to Christ in our marriages.

2. Submission Without Fear (v1-6)

As I said earlier, Peter gives the bulk of his words here to addressing wives. It is wives who are the more vulnerable of the two in marriage, and Peter wants Christian wives to know that their witness for Christ will best be displayed… not by avoiding or trying to overcome their vulnerability… but rather by embracing it, by submitting to their husbands, and by trusting the Lord.

I’d like to note three observations about Peter’s instructions for wives: first, Christian wives are to “be subject to [their] own husbands” (v1); second, Christian wives are to “conduct” themselves with “respect” and “purity” (v2); and third, Christian wives are to imitate other faithful women without “fear” (v6).

First, Christian wives are to “be subject to [their] own husbands” (v1).

We’ve covered this ground quite a bit recently, but (as the Apostle Paul wrote to the church in Philippi), “to [say] the same things to you is no trouble to me and is safe for you” (Phil. 3:1). There’s a reason that basic commands for Christian living are repeated in the Bible. We need reminders, because we are prone to forget and tempted to wonder from what we know is true.

Friends, we must understand and accept that the biblical structure of the marriage relationship is not egalitarian – it is not one of equal authority and responsibility. No doubt, the Bible clearly teaches us that men and women are equal in dignity, in value, and in deserving respect.

But this does not mean that men and women are interchangeable or that they are absolutely equal (in every way). God has created men (not women) to be husbands and fathers, and God has created women (not men) to be wives and mothers. And these are not a circumstantial or accidental features of manhood and womanhood. These different roles in marriage reveal an intentional design (on God’s part) in the ontological distinctions between men and women.

Manhood – expressed in husbanding and fathering – is of the nature or ontology of men. And womanhood – expressed in wifing and mothering – is of the nature or ontology of women. Husbands and wives are different and complementary, and marriage showcases these complementary differences.

One fundamental feature of womanhood expressed in marriage is that the wife is to “be subject to” or to “submit to” her husband (1 Pet. 3:1). This repeated command in the NT calls wives not only to let their husbands lead but to gladly affirm their husband’s leadership and to willingly follow.

Sisters (as I said a few Sundays ago), you will help your husband best not by telling him how to lead or by directing him to lead, but by following his leadership and encouraging him in it. He may not be leading your and/or your children as well as you’d like, but give him time and encouragement, and he just may surprise you. He’ll never be without his flaws, but he is sure to grow as a leader if he aims to do so and if he is able to learn by experience.

Second, Christian wives are to “conduct” themselves with “respect” and “purity” (v2).

Most of Peter’s instructions for wives here are aimed at describing distinctly feminine good behavior. He mentions “respectful and pure conduct” in v2, and then he explains what he means in v3-6. And consider also that Peter knows at least some of the Christian women who will read this letter have husbands who “do not obey the word” or “do not believe and follow Christ” (1 Pet. 3:1).

Q: What does it look like for a Christian woman to bear witness to her allegiance to Christ in marriage (even if her husband is not a believer)?

A: She is to “respect” her husband as the leader of her home and family, and she is to have “pure conduct” distinctly expressed as a woman (1 Pet. 3:2).

Note how Peter contrasts here the kind of female attributes that are commonly emphasized among non-Christians and those female attributes that are truly commendable (or “very precious”) in “God’s sight” (v4). He is not talking about “respectful and pure conduct” of a general kind, but specifically the sort of “respectful and pure conduct” that a wife is to demonstrate in her role as a woman. Peter says, “Do not let your adorning [or the “ordering” of yourself] be [merely] external… but let your adorning [the “ordering” yourself] be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit” (1 Pet. 3:3-4).

In an episode of The Briefing this last week (it’s a daily news podcast from a Christian perspective), Al Mohler cited a Financial Times article, highlighting a lady named Trinny Woodall. She makes quite a lot of money selling a self-care philosophy online. Supposedly, Miss Woodall “starts [her own] day with lemon water, collagen powder, lion’s mane extract, and turmeric chai… and sometimes, a personal trainer.” Her own expense on haircare alone is about $13,000 a year. Miss Woodall’s life-philosophy is “You are what you look like.”

This typifies the sort of female beauty valued most by non-Christians (not just today, but in the ancient world as well). Men and women alike are sinfully superficial, and many women spend a lot of time, money, and effort on external beauty. But this is fleeting (at best) – it won’t last – and many women are simply never going to be as attractive to the eye as they’d like to be.

Peter is not saying here that women should give no attention to hygiene or their external appearance (we would all do well to take care of ourselves), but he is highlighting the greater importance of internal beauty (the kind that shows on the outside in far greater ways and for much longer).

Holiness, dignity, virtue, diligence, kindness, and modesty are commanded and described here in a particularly feminine expression that will shine and never fade. In fact, the longer and more consistently a woman displays these attributes, the more attractive and compelling she becomes over time.

Sisters, the world would have you believe that your femininity is best expressed in your sensuality, in your assertiveness, and in your strength. But the Bible teaches us that your femininity is better expressed in your virtue, in your humility, and in your gentleness. This is the sort of conduct that is becoming of a wife, and this sort of wife is a testimony to unbelievers that she trusts and seeks her approval from King Jesus (not the debased and superficial men of this world).

Third, Christian wives are to imitate faithful women without “fear” (v6).

This is what I think Peter was getting at when he urged Christian women to “do good and do not fear anything,” and I think this is why Peter used the illustration or analogy of Abraham and Sarah of old (1 Pet. 3:5-6).

It seems to me that an obvious response, or at least a question that Christian women might have to all of this is, “What if my husband (or other men, for that matter) takes advantage of my humility and gentleness?” In other words, “If I submit to my husband, and if I commit myself to live with gentleness (and not assertiveness), then who is going to stick up for me?”

This is a real “fear,” and it is valid. From Genesis 3 on, women have often been taken advantage of by men. But Peter calls Christian women here to imitate faithful or “holy” women (like Sarah) who “hoped in God” (1 Pet. 3:5). Peter says that you will be Sarah’s “children” if “you do good and do not fear” (1 Pet. 3:6). In other words, you are to follow her good example (i.e., be “her children”) by “submitting to [your] own husband” and by “hoping” or trusting “in God” (v5).

Sisters, this does not eliminate your vulnerability, but it does put it into context. Living as a faithful wife (virtuously, humbly, gently) does expose your vulnerability, but there is no scenario in which you can avoid such exposure.

There is a kind of vulnerability that all women have in relationship to men. And this is why it’s so offensive and scandalous to think that our culture has welcomed males into female spaces. By the very nature of who we are as men and women, females are more vulnerable (in various ways) than men. This is why the Bible teaches that men are responsible to honor and protect female vulnerability (which we’ll get to in just a moment). And this is also why Peter reminds women here that God Himself is the avenger of his children, and you can count on Him to judge rightly on the last day.

Sarah was vulnerable in ways that Abraham never was, and so too were “holy women [throughout the OT] who hoped in God” vulnerable in ways that the men in their lives never were (1 Pet. 3:5-6). But Peter’s call to vulnerable wives is not to protect their own vulnerabilities, but rather to “do good and do not fear” (v6). Virtuous men who live in keeping with God’s design will honor and protect feminine vulnerability, and the Lord Himself will right all wrongs on the last day.

Today, in our culture, what I’m saying here is the worst. Feminists all over the place demand independence and proclaim their own self-reliance. But this is a sham, and it simply does not work in real life. Women don’t need to put on masculinity in order to fend for themselves – indeed women cannot. And those women who try to put on masculinity (dressing like men, talking like men, acting like men) are a walking absurdity.

What Peter calls for here is for women to put on real beauty, feminine beauty, “respectful and pure conduct” that will testify to the watching world that this woman is a Christian who does not “fear” to “do good” (as a distinct and truly beautiful woman) because she knows that this is “very precious” or “costly” or “valuable” in “God’s sight” (1 Pet. 3:4).

3. Honor With Understanding (v7)

After Peter devotes the bulk of his instruction here to Christian wives, he turns to Christian husbands, and he commands them to “keep their conduct… honorable” in two specific ways regarding their wives (1 Pet. 2:12). First, Christian husbands are to “honor” their wives, and second, they are to “live with [their] wives in an understanding way” (1 Pet. 3:7). Let’s consider each of these together.

First, Christian husbands are to “honor” their wives.

The language Peter used here is that husbands are to “show honor,” “assign value,” or “be considerate” with their wives “as the weaker vessel” (1 Pet. 3:7).

The “weakness” Peter has in mind seems certainly to refer to physical stature. Of course, some women are bigger and/or stronger than some men, but on the whole, men are far bigger and stronger than women. This is a biological and physical reality. To argue against it is foolish and ridiculous.

But physical strength and weakness is not the only way Peter’s language is used in the NT. For example, the Apostle Paul contrasted “strong” and “weak” Christians in Romans 14-15, and there the weakness in view is the weakness of understanding or conscience. The more mature Christians are “stronger,” thus Paul calls them to be patient or to “bear with the failings of the weak” (Rom. 15:1).

So too, the Apostle Paul teaches us that “God chose what is foolish… what is weak… [and] what is low and despised in the world” (that is, God chose insignificant people to be His own) in order that “no human being might boast” that he or she was chosen by God for salvation because of some strong quality of their own (1 Cor. 1:27-31).

Indeed, the Apostle Paul (in 1 Timothy 2) seems to indicate (I think he clearly does) that there is a distinction between how men and women are to act in the gathered church, based upon constitutional differences between men and women. Paul even pointed back to Eve’s being deceived in the garden as a first and fundamental example of a particular feminine vulnerability.

Let me be clear about what I’m saying here.

It was Adam’s sin (and not Eve’s) that condemned all humanity under God’s curse, but Eve was vulnerable to a different kind of temptation.

Females are not less than men in value, in dignity, or in righteousness, but boys and girls are distinct in more than mere biology.

At the end of it, we really do only have two options here:

Either, women are only “weaker” in the sense of physical strength, and therefore men ought to treat women (in every other way) as exactly the same as men.

Or, women are “weaker” than men in various ways (not just physical), and therefore men ought to treat women with distinct “honor” or “value” (as fragile and expensive).

If we choose option one, then the only question we’re asking is “Which weight class does this woman or that man fit into?” There’s no real difference between men and women, and especially in our day of technological advances, there’s no reason that a woman should be treated any differently than a man.

But if we take the second option – that women are, in fact, “weaker” in other ways besides just physical – then size and strength actually have very little to do with how men ought to treat women. Indeed, men (however big or small) ought to be the ones protecting and defending the honor of the women around them (whatever their stature)… especially the honor of their own wives.

It seems to me that Peter’s command for Christian husbands to “show honor,” to “assign value,” or to “be considerate” with their wives “as the weaker vessel” only makes sense if men are stronger than women in ways other than mere physical strength (1 Pet. 3:7).

Indeed, I believe it is the responsibility of Christian men to honor, to protect, and to cherish their wives in ways far beyond the mere physical. This includes providing for their wives (i.e., working and taking responsibility for the family economy). This includes protecting their wives (i.e., creating and arranging for relative safety and stability). And this includes patiently and lovingly leading their wives (i.e., taking her feelings into consideration, but ultimately making decisions that are rational and good, whether they feel that way or not).

Brothers, if we have a wife, then God has given us a tremendous stewardship. Our wife is a fellow image-bearer of our Creator, and God Himself has given her care and honor to our charge.

The world is full of men who would readily subject your wife to all manner of manipulation and objectification, but it is your assignment to stand between her and those who would treat her with anything less than honor. It is your charge (strong man) to absorb the barbs and arrows of stress, of responsibility, and of leadership… and to shield your wife from such things.

It is my understanding of this call to “honor the woman as the weaker vessel” that should lead us men to use our greater strength (in all the ways we have it) to protect, to provide, and to patiently and lovingly lead our wives so that they are perceived as honored in the world. This is our witness to the watching world that we are neither barbarians nor sluggards – we are men who love and follow Christ. And our wives (though weaker in various ways) are prized and cherished.

The second command for Christian husbands here is that they are to “live with [their] wives in an understanding way.”

Obviously, this second command is related to the first. Because men are stronger, and because men are God-designed to bear the heavier weight of responsibility and leadership in marriage, husbands must do it. But husbands (sinful as they are) are prone to become resentful toward their wives when they do.

There are few chores I hate as much as I hate moving. I hate packing, I hate loading the moving vehicle, I hate unloading everything, and I hate paying for all the expenses associated with the whole ordeal. And the older I get, the more my disdain grows (largely because I can’t carry the stuff I used to be able to do).

But it would be a selfish and childish thing indeed if I were to resent my wife for not being able to carry the other end of the heavy furniture.

And yet, as I’ve been arguing, it’s not just physical stuff that men are to take responsibility for in marriage. What if I were to resent my wife for not helping me bear the weight of providing for her and our children? What if I were to take offense at my wife for not bearing more of the weight of life’s stresses and hardships? What if I were to blame my wife for not bearing more of the leadership responsibilities that are mine by nature and design?

Brothers, God did not intend for our wives to bear such loads. God has designed us for it, and He has assigned these heavy weights to our shoulders.

Our culture would have us believe that men and women are exactly the same, and it’s really up to us how we want to negotiate the various responsibilities of marriage and family. Given such an environment, it is easy for husbands to start expecting their wives to pick up the other end of the heavy stuff with the same strength and fortitude as men (maybe shorter men, maybe lighter men, maybe weaker men, but men).

But, brothers, our wives are not men. And even if our wives sometimes believe the false worldly assumptions, and they fuss and berate us for not giving them the heavier load, it is not theirs to bear. We must “live with [them] in an understanding way, showing honor to [our wives] as the weaker vessel” (v7).

Once again, if God has given us a wife, He has given us a “good thing” (Prob. 18:22). “An excellent wife is the crown of her husband” (Prov. 12:4)… and “she is far more precious than jewels” (Prov. 31:10).

Brothers, our wives are not merely our business partners or our teammates or our co-workers. If we have a wife, then we are to bear with her weakness, we are to understand our differences, and we are to honor her as our wife.

Conclusion

Brothers and sisters, in the Lord’s providence (and at least in part due to my less than meticulous planning for the preaching calendar) we’ve spent a good deal of time recently focusing on the biblical order and design for marriage. Though I’ve said a lot about it over the last few weeks, there is so much more we might consider.

What about those of us who are not married?

What about those of us who have failed marriages?

How are we to apply these principles to our specific marital circumstances?

Like with every sermon, there are many questions (especially those of application) that I’ve left on the table. I have made a strong effort to explain and begin to apply the principles here, but the Christian life is lived by pressing God’s instructions and commands further into the corners and edges of our lives.

I hope this morning that we will be able to do at least a couple things with all of this. One, I hope that we will be able to confess our sins (our distinct sins as men and as women), and that we will run to Christ. God does not love sinners because they’ve learned to be saints. God loves sinners and makes them saints by His sheer grace.

If we are not the men we should be, or if we are not the women we should be, then we can know that Christ is ready to receive us with all our faults and failures. Christ is our righteousness (if we will look to Him for it), and He delights in giving grace to the humble.

May God help us to confess our sins and look to Christ.

Two, I hope that we will be able to trust that God’s word, God’s instructions, and God’s design is exceedingly good. Once we confess our sins and trust in Christ as Savior, we also begin to follow Him as Lord… and His lordship is so good.

We do not obey God’s law in order to earn righteousness – indeed, we cannot do it. But once we trust in Christ to give us His righteousness, we look to God’s law as the standard for the good life. We want to obey, not because we have to, but because we get to… and because God’s law is a reflection of His own character, which is pure and beautiful, it is wise and noble, and it is the sort of character we were designed to mimic in our own lives.

May God help us to trust and obey His word.

Friends, Christians are to bear witness of their allegiance to Christ in their marriage, women submitting without fear and men honoring with understanding.

May God help us to bear witness of our allegiance to Christ in our marriages… and may He grant that our marriages will be a glorious testimony of Christian conduct… distinctly as husbands and as wives… shining brightly as lights in a dark world.