Real-Life Relationships

INTRODUCTION

Today we’re concluding a series entitled “Faith IRL.” We’ve been exploring what faith looks like lived out in “real life.”

We said if Christianity is “true” it ought to have a positive and practical impact on your day to day experience.

Real truth ought to work in the real lives of real people.

We’ve examined questions around worship, authority, love and suffering. This week we arrive at an even more pressing issue: relationships.

Following Jesus should transform how you relate to other people.

This is true at every level. Believers and unbelievers. Friends and foe. Family or not.

While our text could apply to any relationship, it’s focus is on those between believers in a local church.

Our text begins in Hebrews 12:12.

Set the Table

If you’re new to the book of Hebrews it was written to Jewish coverts in a crisis of faith.

They had converted from 1st century Judaism to Christianity.

They started out strong. But, over time, their suffering had worn them down. The persecution and social alienation had become too much to bear.

The author pens this letter to encourage and call them out.

He called them out for their immaturity and their unwillingness to grow in faith.

He encouraged them to persevere and remember that God was with them.

This culminates in Hebrews 11 (a now famous chapter of Scripture.) He highlights important characters from the OT and their perseverance through suffering.

His greatest illustration was the suffering of Jesus on the cross.

He exhorted them to view their suffering through the framework of their Lord’s.

Their suffering wasn’t punishment for some wrong they had committed.

God was a loving Father not some temperamental cosmic judge.

Their suffering had redemptive purpose no matter it’s earthly cause.

Having established a framework for how to view their suffering, he closes with exhortations about their corporate life together.

Hebrews 12:12–13 CSB

12 Therefore, strengthen your tired hands and weakened knees, 13 and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be dislocated but healed instead.

It’s okay to apply these commands at an individual level. But as we’ll see today they’re corporate in nature.

We need other believers who can help…

strengthen us when we’re feeling weak. (arms and knees)

straighten up paths that have gotten crooked. (obstacles in the path)

focus our attention on God’s healing purpose

fix our eyes on the Lord Jesus.

A Christian without community will soon be conquered by pain and suffering.

Perseverance requires life-giving community.

Read The Text

As if anticipating an objection, the discussion then shifts to what Christian community looks like.

He also describes the things that threaten such community: apathy, bitterness and unrepentant hearts.

Hebrews 12:14–17 CSB

14 Pursue peace with everyone, and holiness—without it no one will see the Lord. 15 Make sure that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no root of bitterness springs up, causing trouble and defiling many. 16 And make sure that there isn’t any immoral or irreverent person like Esau, who sold his birthright in exchange for a single meal. 17 For you know that later, when he wanted to inherit the blessing, he was rejected, even though he sought it with tears, because he didn’t find any opportunity for repentance.

Reading this in the original language made things really pop out I didn’t see in the English.

There’s one command (Pursue peace and holiness with everyone…)

There’s one strategy (See to it…)

There are three different ways to apply it. (no falling short, no bitter roots, no godless hearts)

He doesn’t use this phrase exactly but I’m going to call these “grace-based relationships.”

The Christian religion is unique in it’s centralizing of grace. It’s the core of the Gospel.

It’s also THE biggest stumbling block for why people don’t follow Jesus.

People might agree with the ethics and philosophy. They will even acknowledge the social utility of Christian doctrine.

Where they stumble is admitting their spiritual poverty before God and accepting God’s mercy as a free gift of grace.

GRACE BASED RELATIONSHIPS

Just as grace makes Christian theism unique from other religions, grace makes Christian community unique from every counterfeit.

Christian community runs on “grace-based relationships.”

I use the word “runs” intentionally. It’s the idea behind the command in verse 14.

CSB translates it “pursue.” ESV “strive.” NIV “Make every effort” and NLT “Work at it.”

In other contexts it conveys the idea of hunting or persecution. The sense is one of intense zealous energy applied towards a certain goal. (Some use the illustration of a hound chasing after a fox)

Christian community doesn’t just happen by accident. It requires effort, diligence and intentional investment.

What’s wonderful about this passage is it doesn’t just tell us to work hard and be intentional.

It also tells us WHAT to pursue, why it matters and how to do it.

Let’s begin with the what.

The What

The two objects of our pursuit are peace and holiness. These are popular words in the New Testament but widely misunderstood.

The word translated peace, in this context, conveys the Hebrews idea of “shalom.”

Shalom is not just the absence of conflict. It’s the settled assurance that everything is as it should be.

We know what peace feels like in a relational context. But this extends beyond the individuals to our corporate life together.

It’s not just that we experience peace between individual Christians. It’s that our relationships produce greater peace in our church and through our lives.

We’re essentially unleashing the peace of heaven into the earth through our relationships with one other.

But peace is not the only spiritual investment we should pursue. We also pursue “holiness.” Another common word widely misunderstood.

NASB use the word “sanctification.” It’s the general idea of being “set apart,” “other” or “sacred unto the Lord.”

The idea is not limited to personal moral virtue. It’s at least that but so much more.

This command is aimed corporately for believers in a local church. He’s saying the subtext for our relationships ought to be “sanctification.”

Grace-based relationships pursue regular spiritual investments in others.

The other day I was speaking on a panel for the Empower Evangelism Conference. I was sitting with a fellow panelist having dinner before our presentation. 10 words into the conversation he asked, “So what did the Lord show you in your quiet time today?” I was expecting, “How’s the weather in West Texas.” I was taken aback.

He also asked if was engaged in 1 on 1 discipleship and questioned the last time I verbally shared the gospel with another individual. Part of me rose up and said, “Bro, I barely know you. This is none of your business.” But part of me also recognized, “Man, I needed that today.”

While it might strange for a total stranger to ask those questions (even in they’re a Christian,) that SHOULD NOT be strange for us to be asking one another.

The aim of our relationships in a local church ought to be greater peace and holiness.

Who and When

Not only should our relationships pursue regular spiritual investments, we should seek those things for the life of every person.

Don’t you just hate those “universal adjectives” in the Bible? All. Everyone. They can be inconvenient and uncomfortable.

While the emphasis seems to be on relationships in a local church, I think this could also apply to those outside the church.

God is not willing that any should perish but that all would come to repentance. (2 Peter 3:9)

If God’s heart is for every person to know peace and sanctification then we should show that same sentiment in our dealings with other people.

We should also pursue peace and holiness with other people we don’t like. Especially if those people are in the context of our congregation.

We pursue these spiritual investments regardless of who or when.

Obviously, there are times where peace might not be possible.

The apostle Paul said in Romans, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” (Romans 12:18)

This text isn’t saying you have to be friends with every person. It is saying, however, that you cannot be an enemy of any person.

Questions of physical abuse or illegal behavior aside, no Christian should be content to live at enmity with another Christian.

It’s a word that means to feel or be actively opposed to another person.

Just as our Lord showed compassion to those who nailed him to a cross, so also should we show grace to those who make our life more difficult.

There may not be reconciliation. Intimacy might not return. But hatred and resentment must not be tolerated in our heart.

The Why

Having established the command, what it is and who it’s for - the author moves on to the reason why it matters.

It’s a parenthetical clause in the original Greek. It’s even hyphenated in the CSB translation. Grammatically there’s a very tight connection between them.

We pursue peace and sanctification in our relationships with each other because the absence of those things keep other people from seeing Jesus.

“Without it NO ONE will see the Lord.” (Heb 12:14b)

Some say this means we won’t see God in heaven (as in we won’t be saved) but I don’t think that’s in mind. We’re saved by grace through faith not relational investments.

The idea seems to be that God has chosen Christian community as a powerful public platform for his glory and grace.

When we fail to pursue peace and holiness in our relationships, we conceal the beauty and glory of God’s grace.

Even Jesus said the world will know we are his by the way we love one another. (John 13:35)

Public Platform

I know this is what the author has in mind because of the words he chose for the objects of our pursuit.

Why did he say “peace and holiness?” He could’ve chosen any number of other words. He didn’t do that by accident.

It’s not just because they’re important. They’re what GOD produces in our heart though discipline as we suffer!

Do you remember last week? Hebrews 12:10–11

Hebrews 12:10–11 CSB

10 For they disciplined us for a short time based on what seemed good to them, but he does it for our benefit, so that we can share his holiness. 11 No discipline seems enjoyable at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.

We pursue peace and holiness in each other because those are the graces God is working within us.

It’s a principle of Christian sanctification. We work work out what God works in.

“…work out your own salvation with fear and trembling. For it is God who is working in you both to will and to work according to his good purpose.” (Phil 2:12-13)

Grace-based relationships visibly reveal to others the glory of God’s grace.

For God’s Glory

Our relationships with other Christians are not primary FOR US or even ABOUT US. They’re about God’s grace for God’s glory.

The motivation for forgiveness or uncomfortable conversations need not come from a selfish motivation. It’s doesn’t have to be about the person who hurt your heart.

Our relationships are God’s pulpit. They’re how we see God in others and how others see God in us.

This is intuitive when you think about. So many people struggle with the disconnect between what Jesus taught and how Christians live.

Imagine if the world saw Christian community as Spirit-filled people helping each other find a fuller life in Jesus. Would they not want to be part?

It’s not even something we have to do in our own strength.

All we’re doing is working out through each other what God already worked inside of our heart.

Forgive one another as God in Christ has forgiven you.

Be patient with one another as God in Christ has shown patience towards you.

The idea is that as you go deeper and deeper into the Gospel of grace, you also grow stronger in pouring that out to other people.

The Strategy

Now that we know what these relationships are, who they’re for and why they matter. How are we to go about this business?

That’s what verses 15-17 are all about. All of which fall under one important word at the beginning of verse 15.

The CSB translates it, “See to it.” KJV/NKJV use the phrase “looking diligently/carefully.” NLT “look after each other.”

It shows up again in verse 16 (though it’s only implied in the original Greek.)

It’s the Greek word “episkopos.”

Today it describes a bishop or church leader. But the word has a broader meaning oversight or responsibility.

Think “overseer, guardian or person in charge.”

Grace-based relationships respond to any thing in need of attention.

This is true of any good friendship. But our culture has redefined what is and isn’t allowed.

The author of Hebrews doesn’t just say we’re generally responsible for each other.

He gives us particular things to look for and the way to go about it.

That’s what makes this passage so practical. It’s a blueprint for creating Christian community in a local church.

But before we get to those practical examples I just want to emphasize the spirit behind this action.

We KNOW when our relationships are in need of attention. We intuit when things are out of whack for other people.

It’s pretty standard in Western culture to say, “that’s none of my business.” But the aim of Christian relationships are peace and sanctification!

So when we see something we need to say something. See something, do something.

Pastor David used to say, “Everybody’s business is nobody’s business.” It’s so true when it comes to keeping up a facility or general chores around the house.

The spiritual flourishing of other Christians can’t be “nobody’s business.” You’ve got to treat yourself like a guardian for your brothers and sisters in Christ.

Just like a medical guardian will advocate for the interest of their loved one, so also should orient ourselves towards advocation of one another.

I know this is so foreign in our individualistic culture. But we need THIS culture if we’re going to grow into the fullness of Christ.

Thankfully, the author doesn’t leave it super generic. He gives three specific examples. They’re all prefaced by a Greek negation in the original language.

Through Grace-based relationships we…

revive every weary struggler unable to continue.

resist every bitter root undermining grace

rebuke every godless hearts unwilling to repent.

Revive the Weary

Let’s read verse 15 again.

Hebrews 12:15 “Make sure that no one falls short of the grace of God...”

God has given us each other as a means of perseverance.

Christians who try and fly solo rarely make it to the finish line.

We must restore every weary struggler falling short of grace.

This hit home for me this week with a young pastor friend of mine. He was in a cohort I led through the SBTC. Unfortunately, he only attended like one or two of our meetings.

Doing ministry in isolation, sin began to spread within his heart. Gradually, that sin developed into something very nasty. Privately then publicly Satan used it to destroy his life. He lost his family, his ministry, his honor and hope.

He’s not the only pastor this has happened to nor the only one I know. But when I put myself in his shoes I imagine, “What would I be thinking? What would I need to hear?”

I would need something to come alongside me and say, “This is bad. This is terrible. It’s sinful and inexcusable. And yet God’s grace is still sufficient if you’re willing to keep believing.”

Falling Short of Grace?

Can we “fall short of grace” in that we “lose our salvation?” Certainly, in the final sense, that’s true of unbelief.

But the author of Hebrews describes salvation as a life-long process of keeping faith. Only those who keep believing fully participate in God’s grace.

He’s not saying they “fall short of grace” because of their immorality or sin. They fall short of grace because they stop trusting in Christ alone.

In their case, it was a return to Judaism and legalistic self-reliance. We have a similar inclination to turn inward on ourselves. It’s the turning away from Jesus that removes us from God’s grace.

God’s grace is greater than all our sin and all our suffering. But that grace is received as we keep trusting in the person of Jesus. We need people to revive that faith when our souls have gotten weary.

Application:

Failure can weaken the strongest of hearts.

I’m so thankful for other brothers who come beside me when I’m struggling.

I’m thankful for our staff. I’m thankful for my small group. I’m thankful for my pastoral cohort. I’m thankful for my family. I’m even thankful for the Southern Baptist Convention. And you should be thankful for your Christian friendships as well.

Not only does every Christian need these kind of people in their life. If you are a Christian you need to play that part for others.

If you keep waiting for someone else, what if they never come? What if, by then it’s too late.

Remember, the command is to chase these people down. It’s not that we have to wait for these struggling people to come to us. That will likely never happen.

Jesus left the 99 so he could go after the 1. We might have to make ourselves uncomfortable or the person needing the encouragement. But this is what grace-based relationships will do.

Resolve Bitter Roots

The second half of verse 15 gives the second application.

We’re not just responsible for weary strugglers we’re also responsible for bitter roots.

Hebrews 12:15–16 CSB

15 Make sure that… no root of bitterness springs up, causing trouble and defiling many.

This phrase “root of bitterness” comes from Deuteronomy 29:18. It was a warning given by God to the Exodus Generation. (a favorite illustration by the author of Hebrews)

The “bitter root” for that generation was a persistent attitude of complaining so that they turned away from God and began to worship other idols.

It was “bitter” in that their attitude was like a poison in the heart. It produced a bitter fruit and bitter consequences in their life.

The author of Hebrews is repurposing that language and applying it to resentment.

Unresolved resentment will destroy a culture of grace. (The same is true for marriages or other institutions)

Unresolved resentment is what the Bible calls “bitterness.” It takes root in the human heart and begins to spread when left unchecked.

They usually spread to some degree because they live beneath the surface. They’re roots, they’re hard to see. But they’re growing nonetheless.

A heart committed to grace will resolve that resentment because the presence of resentment is like a poison for grace.

Grace-based relationships resolve every root of bitterness undermining grace.

Unresolved Resentment

If you’ve ever struggled with resentment you know how powerful it can be. It’s intense and consuming.

It can even be medicinal and have a soothing effect. People often use resentment to nurse their anger, grief or shame.

We don’t have to focus on our failures when we consume our heart with the failure of others. Because they can do nothing right, then you must do nothing wrong!

Resentment remove you from the community of sinners and it removes the person you hate from the community of regular humans. You become more than human and they become less.

I’ve never tried cocaine but I hear it makes you feel invincible. Resentment is the devil’s cocaine.

But the greatest tragedy of resentment is the undermining of grace.

Super humans don’t need grace and less than humans are disqualified. No grace for them because they’re undeserving. No grace for you because it isn’t necessary.

One by shame, the other by pride - a culture of grace will be denied.

It can happen to any church. It can poison any heart. It will only stay hidden so long before it sprouts. When it does finally surface it brings collateral damage.

I remember my first big conflict in our own local church and I emailed one of our deacons, “I hate this because I feel like people are having to take sides. And no matter which side wins everybody is going to lose.”

Poisoning The Well

The word used by the author of Hebrews is translated “defile.” It’s a powerful image.

It conveys the idea of being tainted or discolored with foreign matter.

Resentment can stain the purest of hearts.

Like West Texas red dirt in a white cotton shirt - once it’s in the fabric you can’t ever get it out. It’s contaminated.

The damage doesn’t stop with the person feeling bitter. It also defiles the one standing nearby.

Resentment will often use half-truths and distortions to present a one-sided picture. Us in our best, them in their worst. We demonize or trivialize depending on the audience and the ears they have to heart.

If they’re not careful resentment will take root in their heart. Your poison has spread and now grows in their heart. And usually those who take up a grievance for others are MORE aggrieved than the first. (the greater the deception the more compounding it is.)

Application

That’s why we MUST RESOLVE every bitter root undermining grace. We must do this work in our own hearts as well as in the hearts of others.

The greatest weapon against bitterness is a fresh reminder of God’s grace.

Just like bitterness displaces the grace of God in our heart - the grace of God displaces the defiling root of bitterness.

When you look to the cross of Christ and behold the great love of God for sinners - it immediately goes to war against the deception of resentment.

You’re reminded that you’re a sinner is desperate need of grace.

You’re reminded of God’s love for sinners of whom you are chief.

Just as the blood of Jesus washed away your stain of sin, so also can his love remove the defiling stain of resentment.

God’s love can penetrate the hardest of hearts. The more we sit and ponder it the more power it unleashes.

You have need of the Gospel more than apologies or revenge. The best way to solve resentment is by looking to the cross.

See him there, his hands his feet. Not only is there strength for the weary. There is cleansing for the darkest stain.

Jesus said, “It is finished.” The payment has been made. Your demanding of repayment will only make you poorer and poorer.

Through repaying our debt, our Lord became richer instead of poor. God has highly exalted him and can do the same for you.

Rebuke Unwilling Hearts

Grace-based relationships revive every weary struggler. They will resolve every root of bitterness. But there’s one more thing these relationships do.

His last example is the longest but we’ll be quicker in our treatment. Hebrews 12:16

Hebrews 12:16 CSB

16 And make sure that there isn’t any immoral or irreverent person like Esau, who sold his birthright in exchange for a single meal.

If you were here for our study of Genesis you’ll be familiar with this story. If not, it’s recorded in Genesis 25:19-33.

The author of Hebrews is focused on WHY Esau sold his birthright to his brother. The two adjectives he uses are “immoral and irreverent.” (Gk. pornos & bebelos)

Some translations say “sexually immoral” but it’s probably applied in a more general sense. The idea is that Esau did not concern himself with the things of God. Today, we might use the world “worldliness.”

Christians are not immune from taking on a worldly spirit. If you doubt it, remove yourself for a month from any godly influence and see what happens in your heart. It becomes worldly! It doesn’t matter who you are!

Grace-based relationships rebuke every worldly heart unwilling to repent.

Understanding Worldliness

Worldliness like bitterness is a subtle little drug. It sneaks in under the radar, gradually growing beneath the surface.

It starts with a growing apathy for the things of God. Reading the Bible, prayer and regular involvement with a local church.

Esau’s problem was his casual treatment of God’s will and God’s design. He might’ve “known” what God expected but he didn’t believe it really matter. It’s “whatever.”

It wasn’t until those chickens came home to roost that he finally realized the error of his ways.

But by that time, it was too late. The blessing had already been given to Jacob. His godless marriages had already tortured his parents.

Application

Hebrews 12:17 CSB

17 For you know that later, when he wanted to inherit the blessing, he was rejected, even though he sought it with tears, because he didn’t find any opportunity for repentance.

He cried real tears. He as really sorry. He was really passionate. He was even really sorry for what his actions had caused.

But his repentance wasn’t genuine because he heart was for THIS WORLD.

Irreverence can mislead a heart that is sincere.

His sadness wasn’t in displeasing God but the worldly consequences for his behavior. As a result, he could not repent or remedy what had happened.

That’s what worldliness does. It deadens your heart against the things of God so that even your sorrow is worldly at best.

I see this all the time in biblical counseling.

There’s sorrow. There’s repentance. There’s a desire to change. But it’s often directed at something other than the Lord.

It requires honest conversation and Biblical revelation to open people’s eyes to the real victim of sin and the real evidence of repentance.

We need each other to drive worldly irreverence from our heart.

God will forgive every sinner who truly repents of their sin. But real repentance desires union with God by grace - not a temporary fix or worldly gain here and now.

CONCLUSION:

So as we close let me ask you, do you have these kind of relationships? Has following Jesus pushed you to relate to others in this way?

Or, would you say, they’re shaped by worldly counterfeits? We’ve let the culture of this world compromise a culture of true grace.

Could you imagine the impact of a church filled with these people?

We would still be the same sinful broken people. But we would have place in which God’s grace grew hands and feet.

We could be honest and open about our struggles. We could be fearless and truthful while also humble and encouraging.

Oh that God would give us grace-based relationships. Oh that we could be the hands and feet of Jesus.

Is this not exactly what he demonstrated through his life and through his death?

His Spirit is now at work in us to bring about the same. It’s your move… what will you do next?