Misconceptions about Friendship and How the Gospel helps
Friendship • Sermon • Submitted • Presented
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Friendship...
In 2023, the US Surgeon General issued an advisory (they do that from time to time) and this particular one warned about an “Epidemic of Loneliness and isolation.”
the Surgeon General went on a listening tour he said of the USA, and he was alarmed to find out how many Americans felt isolated, invisible, and insignificant.
He said about 1 in 2 adults in America report experiencing loneliness.
and the effects are extremely harmful. According to the report—loneliness has a higher risk of cardiovascular disease, dementia, stroke, depression, anxiety, and premature death. The mortality impact of being socially disconnected is similar to that caused by smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day...and get this...even greater than that associated with obesity and physical inactivity.
and in the report, he called all of us now to strengthen our connections and relationships. Our individual relationships are an untapped resource—a source of healing hiding in plain sight. they can help us live better more fulfilled lives. so answer that phone call from a friend. Make time to share a meal. Listen without the distraction of your phone. Perform an act of service. express yourself authentically.
This getting at not just social connection—but friendship.
friendship matters...and thankfully we have a resource even greater than the US Surgeon General’s Warnings—and that’s the Bible.
The Bible shows how important friends are — even more:
24 One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.
20 Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm.
Logan, our Student Ministries Pastor, kicked off our series on friendship last week, and I want to continue it this week—I want to look at some Misconceptions we have about friendship, and how the Bible, God’s Word, and the Gospel corrects them.
but before we do that...it’s worth reflecting on the
uniqueness...of friendship too by way of intro...
2 of my favorite writers on friendship—CS Lewis and Tim Keller talk about this.
Keller says this:
Tim Keller on the Christian Life: The Transforming Power of the Gospel Tenacity and Trust
Erotic attraction and family relationships push themselves on you in various ways, but friendship will not. It must be carefully, intentionally cultivated through face-to-face time spent together. And in a busy culture like ours, it is one thing that is often squeezed out.52
in other words—you kind of inherit your family and their love and often family obligations just keep coming (that’s not bad—just reality)—
but friendship is unique in that it must be carefully pursue, forged, discovered. it is freely chosen—and CS Lewis argue may then because of be the most profound type of love.
and Lewis and Keller give 3 ingredients for friendship:
Sympathy - they use it slightly differently - sym - pathos—a common (sym) passion.
Tim Keller on the Christian Life: The Transforming Power of the Gospel Three Ingredients
Lewis: Friendship arises … when two or more of the companions discover that they have in common some insight or interest or even taste which the others do not share and which, till that moment, each believed to be his own unique treasure (or burden). The typical expression of opening friendship would be something like, “What? You too? I thought I was the only one.” … It is then that friendship is born. 29
you ever had that experience— “What you too?”
Tim Keller on the Christian Life: The Transforming Power of the Gospel Three Ingredients
And this means, simply, that friendship must not exist for its own sake. Lewis observes,
The very condition of having friends is that we should want something else besides friends. Where the truthful answer to the question Do you see the same truth? If someone says “I see nothing and I don’t care about the truth; I only want a friend,” no friendship can arise. … There would be nothing for the friendship to be about. … Those who have nothing can share nothing; those who are going nowhere can have no fellow travelers.30
Tim Keller on the Christian Life: The Transforming Power of the Gospel Three Ingredients
Friendship, in other words, is always about something besides friendship. Keller often invoked the observation that whereas the profile of romantic love is face to face, friendship love is shoulder to shoulder. Why? Because you’re staring at the same thing.
so a sym - pathos - a sympathy — maybe it arises over a common hobby, a sport—golfing, political views, a favorite author, movies, books. or common life stage—newly married, or have young kids. or went to the same school.
if you are an IU Basketball fan, we all feel a common bond of going through trials together the last few years.
As Christians—we can have uniquely Christian friendship—because we have the same Lord, and the same mission.
2. Transparency
5 Better is open rebuke than hidden love.
6 Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.
friends must be vulnerable and honest and authentic. deeper, level 3 friends require more of this.
17 As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.
Lewis and Keller says true friends will have constructive clashes!!
sometimes, sadly, we run when a friend challenges us— “I will only find friends who always agree with me.” that’s not true friendship. there is transparency.
(I will talk more about transparency later)
3. Constancy
17 A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.
We are going to look at some Misconceptions about friendships...and some responses along the way:
Some Misconceptions about Friendship:
“I don’t need friends.” I am good on my own—people let me down.
You are an independent spirit!
Or maybe you have been hurt in the past, and don’t want to try to have friends again, or you think it’s weak to need someone else. or maybe you don’t go that far, but you say, “friendship is not that important.”
certainly in response the US Surgeon General would disagree.
but look at Genesis chapter 2. Genesis 2:18
18 The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”
this is an amazing statement! This is said BEFORE sin enters the world. Before the Fall in chapter 3. everything is paradise and perfect, and yet God says “It is not good for the man to be alone.”
b. so this is Response #1 - God designed us for friendships...relationships with others—for I would say “FRIENDS.” Now you may say isn’t this Genesis 2 passage on marriage—Eve will be created for Adam, and yes it is about marriage, but it also broadly speaks to the idea that we need a relationship not just with God and the created order—but other humans. we need FRIENDS. God designed us for it.
so if you are here today and think that it is weak to need other people in your life, it is not weak. It is part of God’s good design for you to have friends.
this is all based on Genesis 1:26
26 Then God said, “Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness, so that they may rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky, over the livestock and all the wild animals, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.”
c. and not only are we designed for friendships...friendship reflects the Trinity, the very being of God!
Tim Keller, in one of his sermons on friendship said this:
Tim Keller on the Christian Life: The Transforming Power of the Gospel How the Gospel Transforms Relationships
“Friendship was never created. There was never a time in which friendship was not, because from all eternity, the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit were knowing and loving and delighting in each other. … Friendship is at the roots of reality.”
So when you have good, godly friends, you reflect the very being of God.
2. 2nd Miconception: “I have lots of friends and can be friends with everyone.” while yes, in one sense that is true. We are called to befriend one another...there are different levels of friendship that Logan eluded to last week. While we are called to be friends with one another...
we are also called to depth.
Part of friendship is depth. a certain transparency and authenticity—which you can’t be with everyone. Friendship, true friendship. deep friendship requires risk—what is that person going to think of me if I get vulnerable and share private information about myself.
I think we see this modeled so well in Jesus’ life.
Jesus’ mission in Scripture is clear—He says He came to give His life as a ransom for many, but as part of that mission, He invested in 12 disciples—12 men.
He calls them his friends in John 15—which must have been shocking for a teacher and leader like Jesus to do it...but He brings them in—shares life with them, travels together, eats together, ministers together. and he calls them friends, so that the Holy Spirit can come and empower them to carry on the mission of the Church.
15 I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.
Jesus becomes vulnerable with them—shows them His mission.
We even see within Jesus’ relationships with these 12 men—-there were 3 he invited into a deeper level with Him—Peter, James, and John. They were invited to see Jesus transfigured in his glory on one of the mountains. The other 9 did not get that invitation.
and then even within the 3, there was the 1—the one who Jesus loved John.
Jesus also had friends outside of this, for sure...he calls Lazarus his friend in John 11.
True friendship requires some type of depth and authenticity and realness—you can’t have that with everyone (you don’t have the relational capacity for it) but should have with maybe 1 or 2 or 3.
If you are the kind of person that claims to have tons of friends but don’t have a close friend or 2, why?
Maybe it is a season of life you find yourself in...your best friend moved away.
Maybe it is hard for you to get close to someone, or you fear what people will think of you if they really get to know you, so you keep them at arm’s length.
Maybe it is time—it takes a lot of time to develop that kind of relationship.
What is keeping you from depth in friendship?
one of the beautiful ways that the Good News of Jesus helps...is that it reminds us that we are sinners before a holy God. and you say how does that help? it reminds us that even though we don’t deserve life with God, we have turned our backs on God—God knows our deepest flaws, yet He loves us so much—He sent His Son to die for me so I could be His son.
I am known and loved by God...if I really know that...that will give me confidence to take risks in friendships, to open up to others.
3rd Misconception: My friend(s) will fulfill everything I need. My friend will complete me.
This is the opposite of the first one that doesn’t need friends; this person puts all their eggs in the friendship basket.
that if I only have the perfect friend or friends, everything will be all right.
that the perfect friend or friends will solve all my inner emotional, social, and relational needs. that if I just find those perfect friends...everything will be great.
While certainly friends can absolutely help with that...if we are looking to our friends to provide everything for us—we are dangerously putting them in the place of God.
Exodus 20:3, part of the 10 commandments.
3 “You shall have no other gods before me.
This verse is getting at idolatry. a substitute for God.
and what’s tricky about this verse in application—is that obvious things can be idols (things like money, sex, power), and unobvious things, (things like certain people, even friendships, or ministry) when we look to it for what only Jesus Christ can give us.
The best friends, the best Christian friends will regularly point us back to Jesus.
The best friendships we can develop, flow out of a relationship with Jesus. if we are getting life from Jesus, we will have something to give in friendship.
4th Misconception: Romantic love is the most important and highest love, even more than friendship.
In other words, if I had to choose between romantic love and friendship love in life, I would choose romantic love.
We see this is all the time in the movies and shows we watch—often at the center of these shows—is romantic love. “Will that person get together with this person or not!” almost every movie has this, too.
There are exceptions of course.
One of my favorite series reading and watching is JRR Tolkien’s The Lord of the Rings.
and at the center of the book is friendship. Frodo and his buddy Sam along with Merry and Pippen. there really is not much romantic love talked about between any characters in the book.
When the books became movies, you will see that Hollywood took 2 of the characters — Aragorn and his elf princess — and made their romance a key part of the movies—even though the book hardly talked about it.
and we are even seeing that with 2 males or 2 females on our favorite TV shows. unfortunately, our culture is telling us that friendship love between 2 males or between 2 females is not enough—but they must explore a romantic love.
Certainly romantic love is important—the Bible speaks to the centrality of marriage between a man and a woman and what that teaches us about God. we learn of parent and child love. This is important too.
Rebecca McGlaughlin says:
No Greater Love: A Biblical Vision for Friendship Chapter 1: No Greater Love
In modern Western culture, we are primed to think of friendship as a nice-to-have, while sexual and romantic love and parent-child love are vital to our thriving.
but then she says Jesus flips the script in John 15.
Instead of telling his disciples that they must get married and have children in the upper room, He tells his followers they must love each other, even to the point of death.
12 My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.
13 Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.
she says “Jesus was inscribing the good news of His unfathomable love for us onto Christian friendship with indelible ink.”
in other friendship love is just important as the other loves—family love, romantic love, parent-child love.
and Jesus uses the image of friendship with a close connection to the Gospel. (and remember Jesus never got married, but had the most fulfilling life ever)
a similar misperception that I won’t address in full—but is related is the idea that if I just have my spouse or my family, that’s enough. I don’t need friends.
While having a spouse is a blessing, and your spouse should be your friend—friendship is the foundation of that—your spouse can’t bear the weight of all of it.
Sometimes I will counsel a husband who is struggling with pornography, and by the way, I am always amazed when someone admits that to me—that takes real strength to admit something like this.
and if they haven’t talked to their wife yet, they need to come clean and tell her, which will be so hard.
but for ongoing support and accountability...they need a guy friend or a mentor who can understand that. they need more than just their spouse to help.
4th Misconception: I should able to make friends quickly or it’s easy to make friends.
5th Misperception: We can do friendship on our own. No...we need help.
We need Jesus Christ...
Look at John 15:12-17
12 My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.
13 Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.
14 You are my friends if you do what I command.
15 I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.
16 You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you.
17 This is my command: Love each other.
Jesus Christ is the perfect friend for us.
right after Jesus said this, think about what He experienced with His friends.
he went to the Garden of Gethsemane to pray—he picked the 3 - Peter, John, and James to watch with Him and pray. these 3 had been with Jesus through all sorts of amazing experiences like miracles and the transfiguration—and yet when Jesus came back from praying passionately to His Father, this is what He finds
Jesus says
40 Then he returned to his disciples and found them sleeping. “Couldn’t you men keep watch with me for one hour?” he asked Peter.
when Jesus was arrested and betrayed by Judas, which Jesus knew would happen, we see this interaction between Judas and Jesus
48 Now the betrayer had arranged a signal with them: “The one I kiss is the man; arrest him.”
49 Going at once to Jesus, Judas said, “Greetings, Rabbi!” and kissed him.
50 Jesus replied, “Do what you came for, friend.” Then the men stepped forward, seized Jesus and arrested him.
Rebecca McGlaughlin says strikingly the word that Jesus uses is not philos but hetairos, which communicates a less intimate form of friendship: more like a comrade or companion. Judas had spent a lot of time with Jesus. but he hadn’t given Jesus his heart. This is a picture of false friendship.
a little bit later Peter, just as Jesus predicted, denied knowing Jesus 3x.
75 Then Peter remembered the word Jesus had spoken: “Before the rooster crows, you will disown me three times.” And he went outside and wept bitterly.
Peter probably thought his relationship with Jesus was over, but Jesus had other plans by forgiving Peter and restoring him to ministry.
and of course the other disciples fled, too, when Jesus was arrested and went to the cross.
Rebecca says we could imagine Jesus getting rid of the 12 disciples and starting fresh. “I will choose better people to follow me.”
but Jesus sticks with them, pursues them, confronts them.
Jesus laid down his life for his friends—sacrificial love is part of the heart of friendship, a love that emulates Jesus...
The book of Proverbs has great wisdom, Biblical street smarts, about so many topics, including friends:
24 One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.
Jesus stuck closer than a brother to us.
17 A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.
Jesus loves us at all times (even when He disciples us), and he was born for adversity.
6 Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.
Jesus can wound us at times—but He is our ultimate friend, doing it for our good. A real friend is not afraid to tell us the truth in love.
and he doesn’t just wound us in love, He was wounded for us!
17 As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.
Jesus was perfect at this.
These are describing wonderful traits of friendship—sticking with a friend especially thru adversity, accountability, love, truth-telling
and WE CAN’T DO THIS ON OUR OWN STRENGTH.
We need Jesus’ power by the Holy Spirit.
what does that look like?
admitting we need help?
admitting we have hurt friendships by either our too high of expectations (Or too low)
admitting when we have hurt others
looking to what Jesus Christ did for us...that on the cross, Jesus laid down His life for me—His friend. looking to the ultimate friend.
