A Husband's Love

Introduction

Colossians 3:18–19 ESV

Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.

Good morning LFF. If you have looked at the bulletin, you may be wondering why after we concluded last week with Colossians chapter 4, we are returning to chapter 3. Paul and I felt as though we did not give enough attention to husbands when we moved through this section the first time. My assignment for this summer is to preach from the wisdom literature in the Bible—and for June or wedding season—I really wanted to do a sermon from Song of Songs. And so the point at which those two reasons intersect is the sermon that I have today. We will do that by looking through the lens of the poetic Old Testament book of Song of Songs paying particular attention to what it teaches us about how husbands should love their wives as Colossians 3:19 instructs. I have listed in your bulletin some of the characteristics of the love of a husband that we find there.

But before we begin, there is one thing I think is so important to remember when reading and applying the book of the Song of Songs.

It is more a description of love than it is a prescription for love. It is a song that tells a story of one couple’s loving courtship from which we can derive principles that can be applied to every marriage relationship. It shouldn’t be read and applied as if every single marriage relationship is to be a carbon copy of this relationship. I think that is why the Spirit of God determined to leave it uninterpreted in metaphorical language. It leaves plenty of room for interpretation. Each husband and each wife can think about how each characteristic might be applied to their particular situation. Would would apply it wrongly if we see it as a formula for a great marriage experienc.

The Song is a story told from the perspective of a young woman. A young woman who, has an overwhelming desire to yield herself to the young man in the story, the object of her love. That is how we could summarize The Song of Solomon in a sentence. A song that tells a story of a young woman who is so overcome with love for the man in the story that she desires to give herself to him in marriage, and he her.

Prior to their wedding, at one point she says of him, Song of Solomon 1:13 “My beloved is to me a sachet of myrrh that lies between my breasts.” This “sachet of myrrh” may have been a wedding gift, which she would open on their wedding day. In modern language, “I can’t sleep because I am consumed with the thought of when I finally get to be with my betrothed”.

Wouldn’t it be nice to have your wife feel like that about you? What kind of characteristics define a man’s love that results in this woman desiring to yield herself to his love? What are some characteristics of the love Paul calls husbands to in Colossians 3?

Patient

The first characteristic is patience. I thought we might as well start with the easiest one. We find this principle right at the end of Colossians 3:19. “Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.” This balances out the call to the wives to submit in verse 18. Yes the expectation of the wife is that she yield to the authority and headship of her husband. But the expectation put on the husband, is that he would be a patient and reasonable person to submit to. Someone who doesn’t have idealistic and unreasonable expectations of his wife.

One of the first things you might notice about the Song, is that the setting of the story takes place in a garden. Solomon had cultivated many gardens for himself full of plants that were beautiful both visually and aromatically. The experience of falling in love is so enjoyable, that the only way it could be described is to borrow language that is reminiscent of what took place in the garden of Eden. It is like the story is saying, “This experience of loving this person is so wonderful, it is comparable to Paradise.” Now of course we understand that the world we now live in is not in that kind of state. We do not live in an ideal sinless paradise. We are still in the betrothal period in our relationship with Christ. And so for a husband to love his wife as if he has already been raised with Christ, which is the prerequisite with which Paul begins this set of instructions to the Colossian church, he will have to be patient and reasonable. Because there is no wife who is perfect, and the state in which we live is not perfect—our marriages will not be perfect. Christ has not yet returned. Remember what Paul instructs the Colossians just a few verses before this in verse 13? Forgive one another, just as God has forgiven you. To be a loving husband will require patience, having reasonable expectations, and a forgiving Spirit. And when we do that, we actual sanctify and make holy our marriage relationships. We love like Christ.

Provides

Secondly, a husbands love provides. Now, I don’t want you to take this to mean something too narrow. I can’t stress enough that the Song of Solomon is one couple’s story from which we can derive characteristics of a husband’s love that apply to all husbands. In chapter one of the Song, the woman is mistreated by members of her family. She is forced to care for the vineyard’s of her mother’s sons, and as a result, her own vineyard was not cared for. Solomon invites her to her come to where he pastures his flock, and she is promised jewelry of gold, studded with silver. He provides for her in the exact area of her need.

A husband can provide for his wife in a number of ways. It doesn’t necessarily need to mean his career choice. It may include that, but I think it would be wrong to make it exclusively that. A husband who seeks to provide for his wife will see where and when and with what she is in need, and his heart’s desire will be to make provision to meet those needs. This characteristic pictures the gospel well. We were cruelly treated by sin, enslaved by it. From sin we need to be delivered. Christ calls us away from that place and invites us to follow him to where he pastures his flock, and everything that is of value to him, he shares with us. Ephesians 2:7 says, “so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus.” Everything that Christ is to God the Father, we also are to God the Father. In the same way, a loving husband will see all he has as belonging to his wife. Whatever is his, is also hers.

Illustrate: Dowry’s

Protects

The third characteristic of a husbands love you will find on your outline is protects. In her dream in chapter three, the bride describes her beloved as Soloomn, being surrounded by an army of 60 men who are armed and trained in war. The image is one of protection. This may include physical protection, but taken in context, I think it is metaphor for protecting the love that they have.

At the end of chapter 2, prior to the consummation of their wedding, after both the young woman and young man have described the intensity of their feelings for one another, in verse 17, she asks him to turn, and be like a gazelle. She is asking him to leave. Listen to Song of Solomon 2:15 “Catch the foxes for us, the little foxes that spoil the vineyards, for our vineyards are in blossom.” She is heeding her own advice given to her other young lady friends in the Chorus of the the song—Song of Solomon 2:7 “I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, by the gazelles or the does of the field, that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases.” She describes their vineyard as being in blossom, it is not yet time, it is still in the betrothal stage. She asks him to leave until the time is right, specifically when it is time to consummate the marriage.

And how does the husband figure respond? He says in Song of Solomon 4:6 “Until the day breathes and the shadows flee (a reference to the time when they will consummate), I will go away to the mountain of myrrh and the hill of frankincense.” Myrrh and frankincense were two fragrant substances used in the temple to sanctify the utensils. He might be indicating here that he intends to keep himself pure until the time to consummate the wedding. A husband’s love protects.

Pleasant

The fourth word I have on the outline is pleasant. Now I mentioned the end of Colossians 3:19 already, “Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.” The word translated “harsh” is actually a metaphor in Greek. Paul is using imagery. The word is “pikraino” and it means to be bitter to the taste, or to make bitter.

Illustrate: Chokecherries as a kid by the pool

Do you get the idea of what he is saying? Can you think of someone you have had in your life like that? You see them, or you think of them and suddenly a cloud has just come over your day. Sadly, that happens in marriages! Don’t be like that to your wife! Don’t embitter her.

In contrast to this bitter experience, listen to how the bride to be describes her betrothed husband in Song of Solomon 2:3 “As an apple tree among the trees of the forest, so is my beloved among the young men. With great delight I sat in his shadow, and his fruit was sweet to my taste.”

The idea of being in his presence is a great delight to her. It’s like I’ve been out all done slaving away in the sun at my brother’s vineyards, and then I step into the shade and bite into the sweetness of a refreshing apple. That is what being in my husband’s company is like for me. Now, again, I think it is significant that both Paul, and the writer use metaphorical language here. Because for each one of us this might be different, because our wives our different and desire different things at different times. On Tuesday evening, being a pleasant shade tree to your wife might mean putting your arm around her in the kitchen. But if you wake up and do that same thing Wednesday morning, you might embitter her. Because what she really needed on Wednesday morning was not a hug, but someone to take out the trash. Husbands need to dwell with their wives according to knowledge as Peter says (1 Peter 3) in order to know how to best love them in each and every moment Just as the gospel is “cold water to a thirsty soul” Proverbs 25:25, so too, a loving husband is a pleasant and refreshing presence to his wife.

Possessive

Listen to Song of Solomon 8:6 “Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm, for love is strong as death, jealousy is fierce as the grave. Its flashes are flashes of fire, the very flame of the Lord.”

This is after the marriage has been consummated. Do you hear the bride’s instruction to her husband? In modern language, 8:6 says, “No one but me gets access to your heart; no one but me gets access to your body.” 1 Corinthians 7 seems to indicate the same principle is true for the husband.

The kind of possessiveness that is unhealthy is warned against in 1 Corinthians 13:4 which informs us that love does not envy. That kind of possessiveness seeks to control without considering the good of the other person. That kind of jealousy is not loving but self-seeking.

Platonic

This is another I have been excited to get to. Five times in the Song, the man addresses his bride as his sister. After describing her physical beauty at the beginning of chapter 4, he then changes to describing the beauty of her love. When he makes this transition, he addresses her as his sister. The kind of love that a husband should have for his wife is not purely based on what she looks like. A husband should desire his wife in ways that exceed physical attraction. That is what the husband figure is saying at the end of chapter 4 of the Song of Solomon. Song of Solomon 4:10 “How beautiful is your love, my sister, my bride! How much better is your love than wine, and the fragrance of your oils than any spice!” He doesn’t just want her now. He wants to be a family with her. By calling her “sister”, he is saying, “I want to be a family with you.”

In modern times we sometimes separate emotional intimacy and physical intimacy. It’s like we try to divide people up into neat little parts as if we are not one whole being. We do not have an emotional self, and a physical self, as the gnostics believed. And as counter-cultural as it may be, husbands need to learn to love our wives passionately on the level of our emotions. One suggestion to you for doing this is to pray together. I remember Doug Shada giving clear instruction to Kelley and I not to pray together prior to our wedding during our courtship because of the emotional intimacy that could develop. What was Doug concerned about? Why did he give us that counsel?

Just as Christ spent long days and late nights healing people and in prayer, agonizing in love for them, so to, as husbands we should be emotionally invested in our love for our wives.

Persistent (Unwavering)

The final characteristic of a husband’s love is persistence. What I mean by this is not wavering. Iain Duguid makes the observation in his commentary on the Song of Solomon, that at various points in the story of the Song, the attention of the woman is here and there. She primarily is focused on her beloved, but she also speaks to her other female friends, she focuses on the mistreatment she received from her brothers, she is occupied with other things. But every time the man is the speaker, the subject of his words is always and directly his bride. Her response or lack of response does not seem to effect his persistent pursuit of her. His love is unconditional. He continually and often reminds her that finds her physically desirable. He speaks to her about her beauty and his desire for her love. Song of Solomon 4:7 “You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you.” Obviously this is an exaggeration. The woman was not physically flawless. But to him he is. It is just like Christ’s love for us. We are insecure, and don’t understand why he would desire us, we are aware of the fact that we are not flawless. But because he is able to make us perfectly pure and holy, in his eyes, we are without flaw. And he is unwavering in his affirmation of this.

Conclusion/Application

So those are some characteristics of what it means for husbands to “love their wives” in a Christ-like way. And so what kind of application can we make?

I try to ask myself that as I am preparing a sermon, what do we do with this information about a husband’s love? What is it here for? Wives, what should you do with this information? Husbands, what should you do with this information? Well, what does the writer of the Song of Songs do with it?

Listen to Song of Solomon 8:7 “Many waters cannot quench love, neither can floods drown it. If a man offered for love all the wealth of his house, he would be utterly despised.”

See what he doesn’t say. He doesn’t say, “Now, all of you who are husbands and wives ought to do your best to live up to the standard set in this book. No he doesn’t wag the finger. He steps back in wonder. The idea is that of celebration, or praise, of the beauty and goodness of this kind of love. And rather than criticize and find fault with our spouse, I think that is what we should do also.

Husbands, recognize the great gift that you have been given from God. To your wife, you have the privilege of loving her as Christ loved the church. Not everyone gets to participate in the enjoyment of that. We as husbands to wonder more at the high calling we have been given to love our wives. What things could you say? What things could you do, that would cause your wife to view your presence to be as sitting in the shade of a refreshing apple tree, and biting into its sweet fruit, rather than being a bitter or sour taste? What are her needs that you can provide for? What are her fears that you can protect her from? What are some areas where she needs a persistent, unwavering partner to support her? What qualities do you love about her that are not connected to her physical appearance?

And if you are a wife, my concern is that you would take this information and use it as a stick to beat your husband with. That’s not why the Song of Solomon is in the Bible. As I said in the introduction, the Song of Solomon is more description of love than prescription for love. The bride is saying, to me, this is what the love of my husband is like. She focuses on what he is to her even to the point of exaggeration, rather than what he is not.

I’m sure there are areas where your husband is not so Christ-like, and needs to improve.

Maybe his arms are no longer rods of gold, maybe his body is now less like polished ivory, and more like a marshmallow. But I invite you to do with your husband what this bride does with her beloved. Celebrate what he is, what he does have, how he is Christ to you. Song of Solomon 5:14

Illustrate: Ukrainian Wife—I’m not leaving my pastor

Ken and Jamie—These brothers are doing something right when it comes to loving their wives

There was one perspective that the man in the song is not actually Solomon. It is just in the woman’s dream, that is what her lover seems to be to him. Women I don’t think often recognize the power they have over their husbands. Because I think when and if you begin to do these things, you will see him transform into the great and mighty king Solomon of the woman’s dream in chapter 3. Those are some examples of how you can encourage your husband to love you with the love of Christ.

Pray for husbands to be loving, and for Christ to be to us what we need in the areas where our love is deficient. Help us as husbands to extend the same patience, mercy, grace, and love that Christ has shown us in our marriage relationships.