Proverbs 22:6 ESV

Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.

Proverbs 13:1 ESV

A wise son hears his father’s instruction, but a scoffer does not listen to rebuke.

Proverbs 13:24 ESV

Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.

The Bible is our guidebook for life. God put on the hearts of men to write down poems, stories, and historic accounts of God’s interaction with mankind so that we can know who He is and who we are meant to be in him.

And God gives us instruction for every aspect of our lives. The proverbs listed above are a good example of clear teaching from God about how to raise our children. But God also teaches us about fatherhood and parenting through examples. Many of the examples we find in Scripture would be best described as cautionary tales. Today, we are going to look at one of those less-than-stellar fathers.

King David: A Lesson On How (Not) To Parent

1 Chronicles 3:1–9 ESV

These are the sons of David who were born to him in Hebron: the firstborn, Amnon, by Ahinoam the Jezreelite; the second, Daniel, by Abigail the Carmelite, the third, Absalom, whose mother was Maacah, the daughter of Talmai, king of Geshur; the fourth, Adonijah, whose mother was Haggith; the fifth, Shephatiah, by Abital; the sixth, Ithream, by his wife Eglah; six were born to him in Hebron, where he reigned for seven years and six months. And he reigned thirty-three years in Jerusalem. These were born to him in Jerusalem: Shimea, Shobab, Nathan and Solomon, four by Bath-shua, the daughter of Ammiel; then Ibhar, Elishama, Eliphelet, Nogah, Nepheg, Japhia, Elishama, Eliada, and Eliphelet, nine. All these were David’s sons, besides the sons of the concubines, and Tamar was their sister.

When we first meet David, he is a young shepherd, the youngest of eight sons of a man named Jesse. The prophet Samuel has come to Jesse’s house to anoint David as Israel’s next king after Saul.

David might be young, but he is brave, full of faith, and passionate about the things of God. When Israel is at war with the Philistines, David is too young to fight, but he is the only person brave enough to face Goliath, the champion of the Philistines.

David is honorable. When Saul becomes jealous of David’s growing popularity among the people, he tries to kill David. But even though David becomes a fugitive constantly running and hiding from Saul, he refuses to speak evil against his king or even do anything to harm him.

Once David comes to power, he does great things for Israel. He is able to bring the Ark of the Covenant back to Jerusalem. Israel becomes a strong kingdom under him.

But as great as David is, he is not perfect. He apparently has a problem with what psychologists would call impulse control. When a man refuses to give David and his soldiers food, David decides to kill the man, but he’s stopped by the man’s wife. Just a few days later the man dies anyway, and David comes back to claim the woman for his harem of wives.

Another time, when David is at home in his castle, he happens to see a beautiful woman sunbathing, and he decides he has to have her. He sends messengers to bring her to the castle, where he seduces her. Not too long after that, he finds out she’s pregnant—and married to one of David’s most loyal soldiers, who is off fighting in the war against the Philistines. David tries to manipulate the soldier into coming back home for a few days so that he can pass the baby off as the soldier’s. When that doesn’t work, he has the soldier sent to the worst part of the war, and sets it up for the man to be killed in action. David then adds the woman to his harem of wives.

So, as great as David is, we can see that he has trouble keeping his emotions in control, especially when he decides he wants something. He is capable of deceit, and will do whatever it takes to protect his good image.

Like Father, Like Sons

Recently, we have been looking at the concept of emotionally healthy spirituality. Last week, we talked about facing our past so that we can discover why we do what we do and then deal with those things and move forward to becoming who God created us to be. We learned that the greatest influence on our lives is our family, and how that influence includes things our ancestors did going back several generations. The choices they made affected their children, which affected their relationships with their children, and so on down to you.

Everything we just discussed about David—his impulsiveness, his compulsion to take what he wants and to cover up his misdeeds—we see these same qualities show up in his sons.

Amnon (2 Samuel 13)

David’s firstborn son, Amnon, took a liking to his half-sister, Tamar. He convinced himself that he was in love with her. He and his advisor devised a scheme to get his father David to send the very proper Tamar to come to his rooms alone. Once she was there, Amnon forced himself on her, then sent her on her way in shame. She moved into her brother Absalom’s house to live a life of destitution.

And what was David’s response when he heard about it? He got angry, but he did nothing. Amnon was firstborn and heir to the kingdom. Anything David did would reveal the scandal. But David’s inaction led to even darker consequences.

Absalom

Absalom loved his sister Tamar. Because of what Amnon did to Tamar, Absalom hated him. And he hated his father for choosing Amnon rather than defend the lost innocence of Tamar. But Absalom was clever. He waited for two years to get revenge. He played Amon’s game, getting David to send Amnon to Absalom’s house for a party. Absalom got Amnon drunk, then had his servants kill him.

When David heard what happened, how did he respond? By grieving for Amnon and banishing Absalom for three years. In fact, he considered going after Absalom to make him pay for what happened to Amnon, completely disregarding what Amnon had done to Tamar. Eventually, he allowed Absalom to return to Israel, but the son was not allowed in his father’s presence.

Of course, this builds even more resentment in Absalom toward his father. He devised a plan to regain his father’s trust. Then he started going out in public to build his popularity until he reached a point where he could launch a rebellion against David. David and his loyal followers barely escaped with their lives to go into hiding. War breaks out and Absalom is killed in battle.

Again, what is David’s response? He wanted to execute the man who killed his son. Why? Because, ultimately, David had a problem with holding his children accountable for their actions. He had been angrier with Absalom for getting revenge on the favorite son Amnon than for nearly bringing Israel to ruin.

Adonijah

As David got older, he realized he needed to choose a successor. Since the two oldest sons had proven themselves unworthy—and died in the process—David decided to look for the most worthy son, rather than just do the traditional, “the-next-oldest gets the crown” thing. He picks Solomon, the son of Bathsheba, the wife he got by having her first husband killed in battle.

However, Adonijah decided he was going to be king anyway. He took certain officials and all his brothers, except Solomon, and proceeded to perform the ritual sacrifices associated with claiming the throne.

The prophet Nathan and Solomon’s mom found out and informed David, who put together a team to publicly anoint Solomon as king. Adonijah, however is not disciplined in any way. Later, after David dies, Adonijah tricks Bathsheba into asking Solomon to give him a certain woman as a wife. Solomon realizes that the woman, Abishag the Shunammite, was the woman chosen to be David’s nurse in his final days. Marrying her would give Adonijah a strong chance of winning popular support to overthrow Solomon. So Adonijah was executed.

Solomon

Solomon was famous for the wisdom he supernaturally received from God. He did great things for his country. But when it came to his personal life, he lived as foolishly as his father. He started making political marriages, marrying the daughters of other kings as part of treaties and trade agreements. He ended up with over 700 wives and concubines, the majority of them being from nations that did not fear God. He allowed these women to continue worshiping their national idols. The result is that Solomon’s children grew up not fearing God.

Each succeeding generation strayed further and further from God. Eventually, Israel split into Israel and Judah. After a time, God allowed both nations to be invaded and overthrown because of their sin.

What a heartwarming Father’s Day message!

The point of all this is that being a father—being a parent—is more than just procreating. God has given us a command to raise up our children in the fear and knowledge of the Lord. This means more than just telling them what is right and wrong; we need to have meaningful discussions with our kids so they understand WHY these things are right or wrong.

And then we have to do more than tell them these things; we have to live them out. Kids learn far more from our actions than they do from our word.

Remember when Jesus said in Matthew 28:19-20

Matthew 28:19–20 ESV

Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.”

He told us to make disciples. That’s what we are supposed to do with our children—make them disciples of Jesus. As a pastor, I have to be especially careful about getting this one right! My daughter’s spiritual growth must never take second place to someone else. God entrusted her to me and Zenetta.

Unfortunately, I mess it up, a lot!

The good news is, we have a Heavenly Father who is perfect. And he will help us become the fathers we were meant to be. He can help us restore broken relationships with our children. You might be thinking, “It’s too late for me. My child hates me.” Guess what. There is not a person out there who wants to hate their parent. It may take a long time, and a lot of work, but God can help you rebuild trust with that child and move forward to healing. Some of you might be thinking, “The only father I ever knew was terrible. Now he’s gone. I will never have the kind of father I hoped for.” But the creator of the universe loves you.

Romans 8:15 ESV

For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!”

Through Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross, we have been given direct access to God, who offers us more than citizenship in his kingdom. He offers us membership into his family as sons and daughters. When we call him “Father”, it’s not just a figure of speech. It’s a declaration of an intimate familial relationship. He is, in every way that counts, father, daddy, papa.

I know that some of those titles might feel irreverent. Well, get over it. Yes, he is God. He is the final authority of all things. But he is also your papa who loves you.

He loves you enough to discipline you when you need correction. He loves you enough to show you mercy when you fall.

Like the father in the parable of the prodigal son, Gold loves you enough to let you bear the consequences of your own rebellion, but he also is eager to welcome you home with open arms.

He loves you enough to accept you in all your brokenness, but he loves you too much to allow you to remain in that broken state.

Fathers, we have all messed up. Our hope is that our children look at what we got right more than what we got wrong. But as we look honestly at our children and see the things they learned from us that weighed them down rather than built them up, we can hold on to the fact that our Heavenly Father is more than capable to do for our kids what we couldn’t.

As we allow God to work in our lives and bring healing and deliverance in us, we can trust that our kids will see that. We can pray that God will do that same work in them to break sinful patterns that had passed from generation to generation, so that the next generation will not bear that curse.

Jesus came to bring freedom. Freedom from our past. Freedom to be who we were created to be, including being the parent our kids deserve.